Goldsmith and Lia

[Goldsmith]

I had an interesting experience today. I had a feeling of fuzzyness in my head, so I went to force. When I did I had a hard time focusing on her, almost like I was trying to see something that wasn't there. So I cleared my mind in an attempt to 'look' for her, and I saw her sleeping! I quickly made a bed for her, and forced while she slept for 5-10 minutes before deciding to leave and let her sleep. I covered her in a warm blanket before leaving and ending the session. This was really cool because it is the first time something completely unexpected has happened- I really doubt this was parroted, is it normal to get stuff like this so early?

 

I also noticed something else different and unexpected about her during this time. She is breathing now.

[Goldsmith]

7 hours and counting.

[Goldsmith]

I have decided that I haven't been giving personality the attention it should be getting, having only given maybe 45 minutes to an hour to personality so far. Compared to the 7 hours + of visualization I have going, this is pretty unbalanced. I am going to go out of my way to do at least one hour of personality for every hour of visualization from now on. My next session will be dedicated entirely to personality.

[Guest applesauce99]

In regard to lewd thoughts about your tulpa, I'm of the opinion that they will inevitably feel some degree of attraction for you, though of course whether or not to reciprocate on that is up to you.

 

I'm a little drunk atm, so feel free to ignore me.

 

i dig, and drunk glitch is awesome glitch.

[Goldsmith]

So Today I reached hour 8 and had what I think is my first wonderland 'adventure'. I started today's session with some personality work, because I feel I have been neglecting that. I basically formed core traits and started to fill them with detail traits. For example, Honesty was filled with honor, Truth,Accuracy,Exactness,Clarity, and calculating. I narrated to Lia the entire time what all of this meant, and let her know she could take what she wanted, change what she wanted, or get rid of what she wanted. I presented it all to her, and she threw some away, kept some, and I don't know if she changed any of it. Afterwords we went to the wonderland, and to her room in the mansion. I have yet to be able to hear any solid speech of hers that I am certain is her, because she appears mute most of the time, but in wonderland, or when I am really focused on her, I can understand 'intent' that she sometimes sends me. She wanted to show me something, so we went to her bedroom. She got dressed in a strange outfit I never could have imagined that I have never seen before anywhere. I don't even know how to describe it. It was like a black dress with a skirt that was horizontal and flying saucer like instead of vertical and cylinder like. She had knee high boots on. I could feel her intent to take me outside of the wonderland, and I said that might be dangerous, so take something with her for self defense. She forced a classic magicians wand and we set out on our way.

 

I should mention, it is hard as hell to simply walk in my wonderland. I have to measure every single step, otherwise I start floating or teleporting or something else. When we got outside, she started running too fast, so I had to tell her to slow down. I also noticed something interesting about the sky in my wonderland. It is always super bright. It has like a pulsar star for a sun, and the clouds are above the sun, not under it. Anyway, she brought me to a forest, and not far in there was this really zen place with floating waterfalls and stuff. My visualization is kind of crap, so this was all really blurry and not vivid at all. Imagine your vision of a dream that you are having trouble remembering. That is my visualization when I am in wonderland. So I thought of a wonderful idea. I forced a camera and took a picture of the place (with Lia posing), so I could look back at this moment clearer when my visualization improves. Also I saw a really strange and silly puppet show that overrode all of my senses for a while. At first I thought it was another intrusive thought randomly showing up, but now that I think about it, that was definitely something Lia was showing me. Thank you Lia, it was really cute.

 

I am starting to think she might actually have something for show business or magic tricks, which would be an interesting deviation if she does, because nothing I have done, personality or otherwise, has even suggested this to her.

 

Anyway, we headed back to the mansion and I had some trouble walking through the doorway because lolwonderlandphysics. We went back to her bedroom and I told her to change into something else that would be easier for me to visualize her in, and told her not to expect any more adventures tonight, so make sure it is something comfortable. I layed on her bed staring at the ceiling while rambling about something until she finally came out of her dressing room, in pajamas. They were red and in the design of pajamas you would normally expect really young children to wear. The kind that are one piece that cover the feet and everything. I warped her back to the other wonderland, which is a psuedo snapshot of my bedroom, which is where I normally practice visualization. This time, something was different. It was still a snapshot, but this time, I was out of body. As in, my wonderland self, and Lia, were looking at my real self, sitting at my computer desk, with headphones in listening to theta waves, forcing all of this.

 

It was incredibly surreal, and more than any other image thus far in this entire experience, this was the most vivid. I sat her down on the bed and explained to her exactly what she was, what all of everything was, the nature of her existence and everything. She silently listened, and the intent I got was that she understood, but it was difficult for her to understand. She is like a toddler or something right now(mentally, physically she is an older loli, middle school age I guess), which I guess is to be expected being only 8 hours in. So naturally, I told her it would be easier for her to understand as she grew and learned (I think I actually said 'live and learn' ,damn you sonic adventure 2 battle!). I then told her that I probably wouldn't force any more later tonight, but she has both the snapshot room, and the wonderland that she can go to explore whenever she pleases. I also reinforced that she has the ability to force things on her own, which I gave to her a second time in case it didn't work before. She immediately forced a classic magicians wand and classic magicians top hat thing, and then dissipated it away of her own will, as if to show me she understood. Then, like every session, I hugged and let her know that I loved her, and returned to the real world.

 

 

Some notes guys: So far the general consensus seems to be that Imagination is the most important part of creating a Tulpa, and the vital thing that creates sentience. I have a counter claim: What creates sentience in a Tulpa is belief. Not imagination. Imagination is the channel through which we can sense the tulpa: see them, hear them, touch them, smell them, ect. When these are weak or out of practice, then are ability to sense the Tulpa will be too. My imagination is pretty weak and out of touch right now. It takes all of my mental focus just to visualize these things, and even then it is blurry, like a dream that you struggle to remember. Yet I am being told that her level of sentience is advanced for this stage of her life. I do not believe that most of this parroting, if there is parroting involved, it is very minimal, and harmless. I think because I believe in my Tulpa, I am not hindering it from acting on its own. However, my imagination is weak, so I will continue to struggle with actually sensing it, mentally and physically, until I sharpen my Imagination into shape again. I would like to see what the vocal Tulpas around here actually think about this theory, they would know more than I on this subject, particularly this claim.

 

Also, another thing to ask, it was kind of mentioned in the IRC: Do tulpa normally go through development cycles of maturity as they grow? Because right now Lia is very toddler/child-like, not that I have a problem with that, but I do expect her to grow and become a more complex individual.

 

Anyway, I am particularly interested in hearing a vocal Tulpa's thoughts, opinions, and views on this development.

[Goldsmith]

Alright, another day, another wonderland adventure. Today we went swimming, played hide and seek, she decided to dress up as a witch and fly on a broom stick, and I flew with her. She showed me an abandoned city across the ocean or sea (or whatever that large body of water is) in my wonderland. Its completely empty. Don't know where it came from, and because me and Lia can't communicate well as of now (I can read some intent from her, but not much else), I didn't really learn much about it. We flew back. I noticed a weird quirk about the communication we do have- the intent reading goes both ways- which led to some interesting scenarios. Because we both think before we act, and we read the intent from each other (more like feel the intent) we can react to each other before we actually act. For example, at the pool, I struggled with her a bit, she tried to push me in, but because I can feel her intent, I not only knew how she was going to push me in, but also had a rough idea of how, so I dodged her, but she felt my intent to dodge her and redid her plan partway through, during which I also changed mine, and it became a weird and fun pseudo clairvoyant struggle to push each other into the pool.

 

I noticed that Clarity comes and goes now, with brief flashes were everything is much more vivid, and moments and periods of time wear I will completely forget what I was doing or talking about with Lia. More than once I had to stop because I had no idea what I just spent the past 5 minutes talking about or doing, with the same sensation of a dream you just woke up from but can't remember. I noticed that I have been slipping out of first person often while forcing, and going into a 'free camera' mode which feels much less taxing and more natural to me, but also lowers the quality of the visualization. I noticed that when I kept myself in a first person perspective, things would become a little bit more vivid (what I can call vivid at least, it is still hard to see details) but it is extremely difficult and almost painful to stay in first person. I often found myself slipping out of first person without even knowing. The 'free look' mode is just so much easier for me, but I know it is something I am going to have to break if I want my visualization to get any better and to increase my perception of the wonderland.

 

Oh, and Lia seems to have taken a liking to 'magic'. She uses forcing to change her outfit on the fly now, and at one point flashed through outfits so fast that my imagination and visualization couldn't keep up, and my perception of her became a blurry mess for a minute or two. I think she found it funny. It seems she deviated a bit of a mischievous side, which is pretty cute, but once again, not something I personally intended. Still, I like it, a lot. Little things like that are what let me know she is alive and that it isn't me parroting everything.

 

I told her I want the next session to be more traditional and simple work on personality and visualizing her form, because that seems to be what I need work on and we appear to be ahead in the other aspects.

 

So, how is everyone? Any experiences to compare?

[Goldsmith]

Did a 45 minute session tonight, about 10 minutes on personality, and the rest was visualization/narration. Nothing particularly special or interesting outside of a magic trick Lia showed me. My bad imagination skills kept me from being able to truly appreciate what she was showing me. Also, in an attempt to completely cut out any parroting I may have been doing I imagined she had glowing gold threads tied to her like a puppet, and then a pair of scissors cutting those, followed by the threads vaporizing. She was immediately over joyed and hugged me. I asked if I was parroting to much before and I felt a very clear 'not at all' coming from her (not vocal, just thought) so that made me happy.

 

Hearing her intentions/thoughts throws me off sometimes because I sometimes feel like it might be my thoughts, but I am pretty assured now it is just me picking up her thoughts too. Considering she seems to be able to react strictly to my thoughts and feels, this makes sense. I asked if she could try harder to communicate with me outside of forcing and the wonderland, through head pressure, feel sends, thoughts, voice, or whatever she feels comfortable with, because otherwise I get worried about her.

 

Also, I think my brain is getting more used to visualizing, because the usual headaches from forcing are a thing of the past. Now if only my visualization was actually better.

 

I am also getting a little better at staying in first person and walking around, but I still snap out of it sometimes. I don't understand why it is so difficult.

[Goldsmith]

So, either today was a breakthrough or I am actually starting to lose my mind and not know when I am parroting at all.

 

I was about 20 minutes into my hour long session today. I decided to try to coax her into talking. Nothing really happened, but I also noticed that she never tried to open her mouth to talk either. So I asked her to try, and she started saying stuff. I was immediately thinking 'welp, this is puppetting for sure', and me and her got into a short argument over whether she was actually talking or not. I ended it by just saying 'prove it'. Then everything went black. I began to feel a weird sensation in my head, as if there were ocean waves crashing against the inside of my skull. I kept trying to go back to the wonderland, but I couldn't no matter how hard I tried. Then I heard her talking, very clearly, that she was blocking the wonderland and most outside thoughts. I was still believing that this was all crazy ass parroting that I was doing somehow. After about 3 minutes of unsuccessfully trying to bring back the wonderland, control Lia, or otherwise prove to her that I wasn't parroting by trying to and failing to parrot her, I conceded and decided to talk it out.

 

According to her, she doesn't talk much because I have bad focus. She says this is also the reason why my visualization is blurry. I have a lot of outside thoughts that interfere she says, and even when I ignore them, they wilt away my focus. She says she simply can't talk well when my focus is being divided between ignoring thoughts, and in real life, my focus isn't good enough to pick her out of all of my thoughts. She says when she has tried to talk before, she got drowned out by my other thoughts or ignored as another one of my random thoughts. She also said that my thoughts have a weird tendency to completely go off topic or shift focus at the very end, causing very fragmented 'trash thoughts' (her words) that she has to overpower when she tries to speak.

 

She began pointing out how there wasn't a single intrusive or rogue thought during the time since she blocked them, and said that she knows I still doubt her, and says if I still doubt her, then explain why my mind is suddenly clear, and why I cant focus on the wonderland or anything even if I try. So I decided to accept that this was indeed her. We began talking about all sorts of things, and I began to test her abilities and knowledge.

 

Apparently the computer room in the mansion lets her see anything I have seen on a computer before, and she has taken specific interest in watching my activities on this site. She wanted me let everyone know she says 'Hi', so there is that. She doesn't know math or anything such as that- yet. I tested her to some quick fire math that she got wrong. (10 x 10 x 5 x 2; she said it was 2500, Its 1000)

 

I asked her things like what she does during the day. She says she splits her time between watching what I do irl, sleeping, playing in wonderland, and messing around on the computer in the mansion.

 

We continued talking about a lot of things that I don't even remember right now. I am so happy it is almost indescribable. I said at one point what I could do better. She said just making sure I spend time with her everyday would be good enough at this point, but to make sure I work on my focus.

 

At the end of the conversation, she wrapped everything up by telling me to stop worrying about her so much. She said that she believes in me completely, that if I were to stop forcing for a month completely, she would hold on because she believes in, so in return, the only thing she wants from me is for me to believe in her.

 

We ended by her lifting the mental block thing she had on me, returning to wonderland, and me tucking her into bed and kissing her good night.

 

This was utterly fantastic.

 

What do you think everyone?

[Nevermore]

It sounds like everything is going very well, I still worry about parroting so I hope something akin to this will come my way eventually. I think it is definitely a sign that you are heading in the right direction.

[Goldsmith]

Fede saying I am parroting no matter what has me a little paranoid though. I am just going to have to trust my tupper.