Earthquake's PR Journal

[Earthquake]

TL;DR at the bottom.

 

I just reread this entire thread in its entirety, for the first time. I think its time to update.

 

What's going on with me:

 

Still working out, instead of 4-5 mediocre to great work outs a week, I'm down to 2-4 alright ones a week. Progress has been made but I'm losing some of my gains and I think part of it has to do with the fact that...

 

I got put on Adderall, so my current medication is Adderall, Xanax, and Ambien. My average weight before was 156 fluctuating up and down a few pounds to my current weight of 147, averaging. I need to work on my body harder I was doing great and now I'm just doing alright. I hardly have much of an appetite anymore, but Elia nags me about making sure I eat, and even more so to drink water. (Adderall can be very dehydrating.)

 

Overall, I dont see a huge difference on the Adderall in regards to forcing. When I first started I ws very manic and euphoric and I active forced a couple times without getting bored. But the manic and euphoric part is more of a side effect and is supposed to wear off after your body get used to it.That is, though a big reason many people abuse Adderall and can start to be bad once you start to chase that feeling. Now, I just get focused and less distracted. If I skip a day, my next dose might make me feel a bit buzzed and hit me stronger. I had always imagined it would help with forcing by tons but its really not a wonder drug for this.

 

Studying for my GED. I took the English portion and passed with honors. Next is stupid math. I suck at it but I'm trying. Elia helps a bit with this. She doesn't tell me the answers, she kinda just says stuff like, so if this is this, then this must be what?

 

Over a year ago in November, I promised Elia that I would stop buying packs of cigarettes. I have kept that promise. {:)} I still smoke occasionally however but it is only socially and like 99% just when I am drinking. I rarely drink, so I rarely smoke, and I always bum.

 

I've come to realize I have a chemical dependency and its something ive been struggling with for a while, and while it isn't destroying my life, It can be a slippery slope and something I want to stop before it gets worse and Elia has been helping me boats loads with it. And these past two months have been better.

 

What's going on with Elia:

 

I've had best friends over the years but I've never had anyone as fun and accepting as her. It doesn't feel the same as hanging out with your friends, but it does feel very intimate and no one has, does, or will ever know me better. She supports me in doing what is right, berates me when I'm doing something wrong, encourages me when I'm feeling lazy, and tells me everything will be alright when I'm feeling down.

 

I dont active force much at all and she asks me too and I try occasionally but it has always just been a chore to me and we have had many conversations about why I dont like it. I dont even want to to get into that here thats a post worthy of itself.

 

However I have, as I was before, been passive forcing 95% of everyday.

 

Everyday, when I wake up, the first thing I do is good morning to her. Shes the last thing on my mind at night, and the first in the morning.

 

We talk about everything, all the time, nothing is off limits.

 

I see other people saying their tulpa is gone for the moment. That they send there tulpa to hang out in the wonderland while they are busy, and other such things. But with Elia, well for the most part we use temporary wonderlands but I usually just try to close my eyes or even open-eyed, just use the room I'm in to talk to her. She doesn't go away ever, she can't, it just seems to be due to the fact I stopped using wonderlands and theres never a moment I don't want to talk to her. I dont want her to leave me anyways, she's always been by my side and that's how our relationship is. She can maybe go away and just observe for 5 minutes here and there or if I'm really busy and really focused on something, she's just in the background observing. I won't feel her or talk to her, I kinda just forget about her for the moment, but then when I think about her in the slightest she will pop back up to say something or talk.

 

I'm fine with the level of, what? Loudness? Clarity? At which she is able to talk but rarely I will have to ask, was that you or me?. Sometimes when we try we can get her a little bit louder and it feels more "whispers in my ear" than a mindvoice. I wouldn't call it auditory imposition but maybe just like the precursor to the precursor of auditory imposition maybe if that makes sense.

 

Sometimes I still have doubts about this whole thing. They never last long, but they are there. I tell her I'm sorry and shit, and she understands. No, actually I take that back. She doesn't understand but she says its ok because I have never let go. And that's the one promise I have made in my life I have no intentions of breaking.

 

I've seen people come and go on here, some who have been on here for over a year and then I wonder what happened to them and if they still have their tulpa, because some of them had really been active and just completely disappeared and it makes me sad because part of me believe that they may have let their tulpa go. I wonder about Cinemaphone the most probably. I really want an update from that guy.

 

Reading the first post on this thread hit me because I was in such a deep depression, and I wanted to die and be done, but then I adopted the beliefs, and psychologies or whatever you wanna call it of this site and I have made a lot of personal improvements since that first day.

 

A big problem I've been having is that sometimes Elia says really mean, and hurtful things and first and foremost I know its not her. It's intrusive thoughts or just my insecurities coming out through what appears to be her and I need to take breaks from talking to her for awhile. I know its not her but lately it's been happening often and it feels like I have one Elia talking all the shit in the world, and then at the same time there will be another Elia saying don't listen to that one you know me and that's not how I feel about you. And she will also encourage me to force them both out of my mind, clear it and do something else for awhile and then talk to her later.

 

Its disconcerting and I hate when it happens but just a ten minute break of occupying myself with anything that takes heavy concentration, really seems to help.

 

Other times Elia seems to get really moody and bitchy but it never lasts horribly long and I never hold grudges about it.

 

Me and Elia have been doing great, we've been fucking the world up for over a year and a half now and we still have a lot more time together, and I look forward to it. For the moment I'm content with where we are at and I want to focus on obtaining my GED asap.

 

I would like to hear from other hosts and tulpas who are similar, or have had similar experiences, in any way. Specifically being a constant present in their daily lives, people who have moments where their tulpa seems to sporadically act mean, and how they deal with that, and basically just any input is very much welcome.

 

SIDE NOTE: In the last month Elia and I have gone on vacation with my family. We went to Nashville, TN. Tuscaloosa Alabama. New Orleans, fuckin highlight of the trip right there, we had a blast. And then on the way to Memphis, Tennessee I hit a deer and did $7,500 of damage to my moms 2 month old car in butt fuck no where Mississippi and was stranded there for two days eating food from a gas station across the street. We also have to go back to Butt Fuck in a little over a week to retrieve the car because we had to leave it there to be fixed.

 

TL;DR: Read my post please I poured my heart out.

[Earthquake]

I bought the card game Mad Gab since the last update. I had never played it before, but I had always wanted to and was explaining it to Elia a couple months ago and it's been something she's kept in mind.

 

The rules are very simple and can easily be adjusted to play with just you and your tulpa. Basically theres a nonsense collection of words on a card, and you say it out loud until it makes sense. For example, "Ace Care Remove Me". It makes no sense like that but just say it out loud, and it still might not make sense, but just keep repeating it, and try saying it fast. The answer is "A scary movie".

 

So what we have been doing is I read the words to her, and then I have her just keep repeating it and repeating it. We work on her mind voice with this, trying to make it it more distinct from mine, making it louder and clearer.

 

Technically you are supposed to say them out loud and doing it just in your head will make guessing what it says quite a bit harder.

 

Sometimes she guesses the card first, sometimes I do. Sometimes though it feels like we both figured it out together.

 

Also, we find ourselves getting distracted from the game occasionally, and just talking about other random stuff. I don't find this to be an issue, and unless you just wanted to work on just mind voice improvement, would actually encourage it because it's still active forcing.

 

I've always said I didn't like active forcing but looking back it's not a 100% true. I think the part I didn't like about it was stopping from doing whatever I was doing, or not doing something fun, and instead focusing on something I didn't look forward too just to talk. A lot of the time I would find us talking for the first 5-10 minutes, and I would be counting down the seconds. But theres been a buncha times where after a while I get into it and I start to enjoy the conversations we are having, the words are coming freely and effortlessly, and it stops feeling like a chore, and the 20 minute forcing session that I promised I would do for Elia becomes over an hour of just us sitting there and talking.

 

I think I have been more eager to force like this instead of procrastinating a session, because there is an immediate short term objective that you can accomplish rather simply.

 

I started going on the IRC a couple of days ago, not for the first time. I'd been on there before, but I had real conversations this time, instead of just lil chatter and blabber, and I really enjoyed it.

 

So we where on there today and Elia pushed for me to do something productive and we set aside time for a good workout, not just a little baby one like ive been doing, but a real session that left my arms tired. And then after that were gonna force with Mad Gab.

 

We didn't get far into the game before we eventually just put it down and went into a hour and a half conversation.

 

I think active forcing is incredibly important. Passive forcing is acceptable but I have definitely seen big differences between doing both and just doing passive. October 2014 I was doing A LOT of active, and I've always recalled that as like, our peak. I have a lot of vivid memories of what we did together from around that time, but after that, I dont even know what happened but I fell off the active hard and the development definitely took a blow. I haven't noticed a huge difference in development since starting Mad Gab, but It has been only a couple days, and I have seen a marginal increase, mainly in a stronger presence and clearer voice.

[Earthquake]

Elia has always teased me about the tulpabi "abandoned" during my first attempt. Claire was a half baked attempt 6 months before I started on Elia, and I only forced with her for 1-2 weeks. I only ever wanted one, never felt a need for any more, and after getting Elianibwas more than happy with her. She's always expressed an interest in another tulpa, despite my opinion on the matter.

 

This past week, Elia has been ribbing me extra hard about it and we had noticed another presence . I wanted to ignore it and make it go away. Elia said it was Claire and I couldn't not acknowledge her, and I just bitched and whined and told her she could stay around outta the way, chill in the wonderland. Elia would constantly reassure her I'd come around.

 

Then for the past hour I felt anxious and on edge and nervous and extremely irritable. Decided it was Claire and it's not nice to do this. I promised to take her in and take care of her. We are going to decide what we are going to do. She still has her original form I gave her, and we have obviously been using the same name. I'm not too stuck on either right now and thats gonna be something up for debate tomorrow, most of it resting in her shoulders and what she wants.

 

Elia's happy, Claire is still nervous but happier, she hasn't really talked much, I think mostly because Elia told her to be quiet while she worked me over this past week. Honestly, I'm not super happy with this, I very much only ever wanted one and, I am a little angry but irs not fair to any one and unjust and have been thinking, well maybe we can force a little bit and try to get her to go away on her own. Can't do that, wouldn't sit right by me. I'm not angry with her, maybe a little at Elia for giving Claire a buncha power this week.

 

Elia just chatters away to a silent tulpa while my nerves are, was gonna say on edge but I definitely feel a lot calmer than when I started this. Elia has only evoked strong feelings like this a handful of times, and never this long. Also been having a bunch of head pressures.

 

I guess I just needed to type this out, because now I feel pretty happy with this outcome. Will update this tomorrow for sure sure. Also new phone tomorrow, so looking like a fun day.

 

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