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I'm sad and lonely, and i miss my tulpa. I stopped working with her a while ago when i realized i didn't have a reason for her to exist, and never really did.

 

it's not like i decided i didn't have a reason and then stopped spending time with her. it's that everything she existed for was being taken care of by real people, and it took me a long time to realize that was why i always had trouble staying committed.

 

Socially i'm well adjusted. i have lots of close friends, i'm charismatic, charming, and funny. Meeting new people is easy, and i always make a great impression. it doesn't take much effort for me to organize something fun with any of my friends.

 

I have a girlfriend too. I care about her, but i'm not in love with her. After my last relationship, i'm not interested in opening my heart up, but she knows all this and still sticks by me.

 

I even have a good relationship with my parents.

 

I can't think of any reason for her to exist, except this selfish feeling of loneliness. And even if i decided that was enough of a reason, my friends, girlfriend, and family already monopolize my time. Even if i managed to find a hour a day for my tulpa, she deserves to be more than just another thing on my daily to-do list.

 

At this point i feel i can't give her the life she deserves to have. I'm posting this because i want to hear other opinions on my situation, good or bad. please take a few minutes and reply, i'd really appreciate it.

"The way is in training."

- Miyamoto Musashi

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If you miss your tulpa, then there's a reason right there! As for the "selfish feeling of loneliness," I'd say that hanging out with your tulpa and keeping her alive and around is probably preferable to dissipation. That being said, I don't want to speak FOR her. I just think that existing is infinitely preferable to not existing, even if existence sucks sometimes :/ I know EXACTLY where you're coming from. I'm not great with commitments in general, and Markus is no exception. But I love her and, although she can't talk fully yet, I think she likes me :) Not to say that you don't love your tulpa, but I'm just saying that I'm not sure that yours is a great reason for dissipation. If you want my opinion, I'd say that you should talk to her about it and decide what you two want to do. But if you can find any reason at all to keep her around, even if it's just a gut feeling or feeling lonely (or, as I sometimes feel, cold/kinda empty/depressed) then I'd keep her around if I were you.

Markus is the tulpa, and I don't really have anything else to say.

 

Markus speaks in Blue!

 

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A tulpa is just another friend. And there's nothing wrong with wanting another one of those - especially since this one exists inside your head, and is easier to find time to spend with than an IRL friend, if that makes any sense. I know my tulpas often talk to me when I'm still with other people - and I don't feel like I'm multitasking or being forced to split up my attention. I'm just... hanging out with my people. And also my tulpas. I suppose that's just one more benefit to how they operate.

Pinky is not a pony. She's an imp.

Sunray is an angel-imp. Ex is humanoid. Kael is a dragon. Magnum is a dog.

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I guess for some people, it doesn’t matter how adept they seem to be when being gregarious with others, mixing around with relationships (e.g. close-knit with your family, or just being approachable to others in general) when they can’t find their center for themselves, i.e., being able to appreciate themselves without the aid of others.

 

This is mostly conjecture, as I’m sure you’re more complex than what you posted in your OP, but it seems to me that you put others before yourself; almost to the point where any circumstance where you have a chance to be by yourself, and potentially reflect on what’s going in your quotidian/daily life, you feel as if it’s a weakness rather than a strength. In other words, there’s several reasons why you could be engaging more with others rather than trying to integrate time with a tulpa you seem to miss out on:

 

- Maybe engaging with others that monopolize most of your time allows you to distract from analyzing yourself, and how you come to terms with yourself, and what you do to reach out to others. It seems that you see more of the engagement with others as a to-do list, and I presume this mostly because you feel like there’s an overbearing guilt in having your tulpa part of your typical lifestyle. In other words, maybe you’ve been so gregarious with others, and so approachable to others that it’s becoming a routine for you, and you just go about doing things you feel obligated to do.

 

- So now that you’re in circumstances of being alone more often, or at least pondering the loneliness you seem to have despite having others that could fill the gap, you’ve dived into some kind of inferiority complex where you discredit the potential you’re creating when engaging with others, because you feel associating that gregarious potential with your tulpa seems to create a selfish feeling of loneliness.

 

 

 

- Now, maybe you have a different perception of loneliness, but for your post to have that word when there’s other words that contradict it (e.g. socially, close friends), and especially your generalization of your relationship with your girlfriend, you seem more afraid of opening your heart more to others; all you really seem to be doing is sustaining a persona that you know can make people feel at ease and relate to you easily, but not relatable on things like validating yourself through existential matters, or deeper philosophical inquiry.

 

- So maybe something lingering on your mind that you can’t bring into awareness, and into direct words is that you feel it’s probably time to go back to the concept of your tulpa, and trying to bring her back to existence. Maybe you’ve brought back that inclination to reconnect with her because unlike the people you seem to have a decent time, there’s potential to engage in self-reflection, and maybe re-evaluating your life, albeit with someone in your head whom you could actually open your heart out to more than anyone else in your life right now.

 

- And when you stated how it is with your girlfriend, you have a general respect for her well-being, but not enough to where you would share your deepest and darkest secrets with her. And yet maybe what’s going on in her mind is that she finds that more attractive, and is probably understanding of your position, and is willing to wait it out to gauge out who you really are beyond the persona you’ve built up to handle yourself with others.

 

- Maybe you feel that when you open your heart up to others, and I’m talking about deep stuff, you feel there’s a risk for conflict between that individual. So that creates a dead-end in development with others; you have a neutral disposition towards others that allows them to approach to you because they feel you could be a reliable person (and maybe you do/don’t feel the same way) to talk things out with; sufferings, things that happened throughout the day, etc.

 

 

 

- You’ve probably grown tired of this, and probably had numerous thoughts of going back to developing your tulpa, but there’s probably a nagging feeling in your head that you’re doing it for selfish reasons, e.g., to fill whatever void you have inside of you. You seem to feel, for the sake of conjecture, there’s more value when others that you can easily see and expect to look forward rather than someone you probably have to find a silver lining of optimism despite uncertainty on whether or not they can still exist, but not too extreme to where you feel it’s blind faith that can’t be reciprocated as breakthroughs (e.g. hearing her voice again, things that add on to the cumulative list of assurances you have of your tulpa potentially being there again for you).

 

- And with the various methodologies, philosophies, morals, ethics, and such created by societal mediums like this forum, you probably feel the more you dive into that, the lonelier you feel because you start being more aware of you, your authenticity of self, self-complexity, and such. And if you have to go through so much efforts, and apply some kind of faith that you can share that with your tulpa, the more you reflect back to your family and friends.

 

 

 

- Which leads me back to how you seem to want to put others before yourself, because engaging with your tulpa seems to be putting yourself before others; you don’t seem to like that because it just augments the propensity to feel you’re really lonely inside. You rather see people whom you don’t really have “direct” control over, or at least aren’t partially sustained by how you consistently behave to match those beliefs of who they should be, or could be. Just like how your girlfriend seems to be resonating with you despite you not having a deeper sense of love for her; you know that she initiated it through her own volition. Just like your family and friends who have their own lives to live that you get the chance to be a part of, it seems to be a different story with your tulpa.

 

- So maybe there’s a detached justification you’ve made that it’s not as selfish in being gregarious with others outside of your mind, but mostly selfish if you partake in some inward attention towards yourself and your tulpas, and potentially developing rapport with yourself. Maybe you have some backstory you don’t want to deal with, and feel maybe bringing back your tulpa while you bring those memories to light in some way can help you reach ways to assess a challenge like not being as restrictive in opening out your heart more to others.

 

 

So maybe it’s just a matter of reflecting and re-evaluating the difference between being selfish, and wanting to be an individual that can find their center, and yet still engage in relationships with others to sustain that center when trying to gradually find authenticity of themselves; whether it’s through others, or someone you want to treat as sentient in your head.

 

Again, this is just conjecture.

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Thank you everyone who's responded so far. I'm going to reflect on what you've all said.

 

To LinkZelda specifically: Your impressive response is based on only a single post, but more than a bit of it is accurate to me. It's going to take me longer to read through it a few times, digest what you've said, and reflect on it. Please bear with me.

"The way is in training."

- Miyamoto Musashi

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