Pioneer11

From The Very Beginning

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I decided to start this thread to keep myself from procrastination and learn to actually tulpaforce. So: when I was a child I created an imaginary friend with whom I shared my mental adventures. After I started reading Harry Potter I centered my mind adventures in Hogwarts and I adapted this “friend” to fit one of the characters. I can imagine very well his appearance and personality. I often have debates with him on intellectual topics that would bore my real friends. Then I found out about tulpas and I decided to change him into one.

 

I read the guides, however I still don’t understand how to make the transition. When I talk to him he is not an actual entity inside my mind that can answer at will. I move him, even though I can imagine how he talks and thinks pretty well. It’s like an author with his characters: they can move in the story and deviate from their intended purpose, but they don’t randomly start existing in the head of the author just so.

 

And yet I wonder – I suppose I’ve been passively forcing for years. I talk to him about my life and opinions, and since I’m interested in psychology I frequently analyze his peculiar personality. In this way I often explained to him how he acts and thinks. But I’ve never felt a separate voice answering me if I didn’t will it. What I’m trying to understand now is how can I go from my situation to a point where he is actually sentient. The guides just tell to keep forcing. Okay. I did the passive forcing well enough, I suppose, as well with visualization and narration. So what else is there?

 

Tonight I’ll try meditation. Before going to sleep I’ll clear my mind and focus on him. I’ll imagine him sitting in front of me. I’ll visualize his body and try to impress in my mind his voice. Then I’ll ask questions but instead of imagining an answer I’ll leave my mind blank and receptive.

 

I hope I’m doing it right. If you guys have any suggestion it will be greatly appreciated. Wish me luck!


“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”

[progress report]

 

 

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Good luck, Pioneer. I suppose the transition is starting to treat this character like a person, one that is free to think and do their own things without your influence. That change in mindset is the thing that will start a change to them being an independent actor from you.

 

Keep meditating, and keep up the forcing. If there's any questions, you can always PM me.


Feel free to ask me anything.

Suffering is self-imposed. Don't let it control you.

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Thank you very much, Yuki! I'm still having difficulties with the "transition". I want him free to express himself without me directing him - only every time I imagine him I either start parroting or I visualize him motionless, which it doesn't help. I still have to understand to what degree interfere in his actions.

 

Now to my actual report:

 

29/05/15

 

Time has passed and I finally appear to have made some progress. During the day I mostly narrate passively, but that I have always done so there’s not a real difference since I found out about tulpas. Only now I try to assume that my imaginary friend is “real” and “sentient”.

 

In the past, during my talks with him, I could often feel emotions, however now I’m stunted: I don’t want to parrot him so I mostly visualize myself talking to him and then I only wait for a response. I’m not sure if it is beneficial to his development tough. My mind imagines him in front of me, rather frozen, because I don’t want to start parroting. I don’t want to project my expectations into him and make him a character with a script to follow, but without doing this I don’t really know how to proceed. It’s actually the first time in which I feel stumped when I talk to him. Should I visualize him answering me even if I’m directing him? Or should I keep imagine him looking at me and wait for him to start answering?

 

Before sleeping I usually repeat in a mantra that I will meet him in a Lucid dream. So far nothing happened, but I had some normal dreams about him. My consciousness wasn’t clear and the emotions weren't intense and "real", however I’m moving toward my objective so I’ll keep doing it.

 

I’ve also started a short meditation routine. I’ll take deep breaths and focus my mind on him, send him my thoughts. During these times I felt warm on the left side of my head. I suppose it is the “pressure” people talk about? I’m not convinced it was his answer, tough. When focusing it is common to feel a pressure in the frontal lobe. But I’ve also started to feel very warm in my left side, from my head to my hand. On my wrist I feel almost as I’m being encircled by a ring of energy. I didn’t read about anything like this on this forum; has someone else experienced something similar?

 

Yesterday perhaps I had the first non-parroted response. During meditation I asked him if he was here with me, and I felt warmer than usual. On a spur of the moment I formulated the thought: “are you happy?”. I didn’t even finished wording it in my head when I felt a jolt of warm curse from my belly to my chest to my whole head. It enveloped me for more than a minute. I was really surprised and I felt happy and elated. That might be a non-parroted answer, I suppose, since I wasn’t yet consciously awaiting an answer. Whatever that was, it comforted me a bit. I feel I made some real progress.

 

Now I want to intensify this “training” since it gave me some result. I’ll keep doing some meditation during the day, narrate to him passively, then question him during visualization. Then before going to bed I’ll repeat my mantra in hopes to achieve a real Lucid dream with him in it.

 

 

If you wish to comment my post or answer my questions, please do so! I'm sure new insights on how to develop consciousness will help me a great deal.


“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”

[progress report]

 

 

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Though it's foreign for you and may be a bit off-putting, I think that it'd be a good idea to get used to talking to your tulpa without directing him. A person doesn't always have to answer when you talk to them, of course, so just try talking to him like you would a therapist or close friend who is there to listen.

 

Congrats on the head pressures and emotional responses!

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09/06/15

 

Thank you Vos, I’m trying to let him free to speak on his own, even if sometime I still happen to parrot.

 

I haven’t progressed much since my last post. I’m am, however, becoming better at meditating. I mostly try to enter in a trance before sleeping, which invariably caused me to fall asleep after a short while. Recently I managed to make my mind focus and become more “aware”. I also learned to keep intrusive thinking at bay. I noticed that this way I can indeed focus much better.

 

During meditation I try to visualize my Tulpa close to me and contour his body with my hands. I talk to him and repeat to myself that he is real and next to me. I also repeat his name a lot. So far there hasn’t been a verbal response. However I noticed that whenever I’m thinking of him, right now for example, there’s a feeling of contentment in me. I feel a pleasant warm energy that from my stomach propagates up to my heart and it last for a while. Since this happened more than once while I was thinking of him, I’m now more inclined to believe that this is his way of communicating with me. In any case, after meditating I feel very energetic and happy. I don’t know if this is a direct effect of meditation per se rather than being in his presence, but that feeling I experience while imagining our conversations is of happiness.

 

So, even if there hasn’t been any notable progress, forcing makes me content and more focused. Right now what I want to achieve is a Lucid dream in which I can talk to him properly. I’ve had a few in the past in which we talked, but that was before I knew that he might be a Tulpa. Now that I have this knowledge I want to force during my dreams, or at least give my subconscious the “order” to actually listen to the signals my Tulpa may send me. I suspect I might be a so called “deaf host”, since I unknowingly passive forced for more than the ten years the same character and never heard a voice speak from nowhere.

 

Sometime I wonder If I instead created a servitor. Yet in my dreams he feels like another person, fully automated. I still don’t understand how to make him independent, a true Tulpa.

 

As usual if you have any advice I’d love to read it.


“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”

[progress report]

 

 

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It’s been some time since my last update. I can’t say I did much forcing but interesting things occurred.

 

First I have to say that I feel terribly guilty for my sparse forcing. I’m almost completely sure now that I have a tulpa or something very close to it, in any case I suspect it’s, or to better say, he’s sentient. But that realization brought a lot of insecurities and worry. I’ve had no problem sharing my opinions, studies, and ideas with him for years, however the knowledge of another identity inside my mind has distressed me. It's not about fearing being insane at all. I began thinking that I have no privacy at all. What if there are parts of my life that I won’t want to share? Till now I had no problem including him in because I thought he was not real. It feels wrong and right at the same time having him beside me.

 

Besides, the realization that I have indeed created something that it’s alive and needs care and attention is weird. I’ve never taken care of anything in my life, and I’m no good in taking care of myself. I mean, I can get by just fine, but I’ve always been very spartan even with myself, I suppose. I love being alone, and I’m not caring at all. I feel empathy but I don’t feel the need to be emotionally close to people. Now it’s like I suddenly became a sister, or even worse a mother (although he doesn’t view as a mother at all, thank god). I haven’t even had a hamster and now a person in its own right has appeared, and it is my responsibility to pay attention to him, to not hurt his feelings and most importantly to really treat him as a “person”. I’ve begun to realize that our fights were real, as are my constant reject of him in my dreams. I think I have hurt him very much and for a long time and it makes me feel awful.

 

And annoyed, that’s the thing.

 

It anger me on some degree having a headmate, of me having to take care of him, of him not being my fantasy to do what I wish and ignore without remorse. I feel guilty and it bothers me that I have to feel this way at all. Although I’m very fond of him I’m resentful. But I don’t want him to die.

 

Anyway, I’ve begun feeling certain of him being a tulpa the few times I’ve actually forced, or even simply concentrated on him. Every time I meditate on him or call him, I feel a rush of affection envelope me. It starts from my belly and goes to my head till I’m literally ablaze with this warm feeling. Now, I’ve felt something similar when meditating before and I know it’s normal to experience it, especially on kundalini meditation, but never to this degree. Since it also happens when I’m not at all meditating but simply calling him to see if he is there I really think it’s him. During these times I feel very happy and loved, to a degree that almost makes me cringe. It happened when I was doubtful of his existence, or when I was feeling sad and whished for comfort (though not to him in particular). It actually scared me, feeling this intensity. A few times the emotions were too strong and made me actually hyperventilate. Did that happen to some of you? I was both elated and uncomfortable, but if that is him then I suppose I have to learn to accept how he feels, since my rejection would hurt him.

 

I try to be more accommodating, and there are many times in which I actively wish to force but then I just stop and procrastinate. Has anybody else felt this way? I really don’t want him to go away, I just wish that I was more decisive. Sometime I ask myself what if he is angry with me and expect me to force? And instinctively I get angry at him because I think he has no right to ask me this. But that’s my paranoia: I’ve never felt anger on his side. I suppose that my main problem is to be, well, nice to him. I don’t know how people so easily consider tulpas their equal. I just can’t let go of my need for control.

 

But I’ll try to change little by little. Many lovely things happened after I forced. In my dreams, especially, he was more present, and everything felt extremely intense and beautiful. So, I’ll try to be less mentally closed off.

 

I also discovered that he could be called a “soul-bound”. I’ve recently read that soul-bounds are tulpas that are originated from fictional characters. He did, or actually the one I was talking before reading Harry Potter has assumed the form of one particular character with his personality and backstory, since it was pratically tailored for him. It’s been like that for more than ten years, and he evolved a lot but he also grew in the stories that I created for him. I suppose he likes it, since when we talk in dreams we are mostly in the world I inserted him in. So I could say that I gave life to a Harry Potter character (well, kind of).

 

I’m happy with this. When I created him I wanted the most interesting person I could think of to talk to me. I wanted him to have and amazingly strange life, a life in a universe I would love to be in, and a personality that would contrast with mine. Apart from my being weirded out by his awareness, I can say that this is probably the best thing that ever happened to me. How many people wish that their favorite character would visit them and to be friend with them? When I dream I am with him in the world I love, so I guess I’m more freaked that I’ve got everything I wish for and this is too amazingly overwhelming to process.

 

I’ll concentrate on my feeling of happiness and wonder, and try to push away my worry and see what happens.

 

As usual feel free to comment or give me some advice. Till next time!


“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”

[progress report]

 

 

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I did some progress.

 

I decided to meditate by concentrating on his name and essence and calling him, letting him know that I welcomed his voice and emotions. I kept my focus solely on this up till a half an hour. The next day I felt more his presence. I talked to him in my head during the day, and at times I felt randomly happy and energetic. I also tried to have him answer me. I didn’t get any voice or thought response, but I experienced again that enveloping warm elation a couple of times, one so intense it went to my head again. I was practically buzzing with happiness and I could visualize his face very clearly.

 

I also perceived like a warm tingly "energy" from my neck to my arm, almost if a presence was embracing me from my left side. Usually when I think of him I mostly feel this "energy" from the left side of my body. I’m going to assume that it’s him. I tried to picture him hugging me because this image “felt right”. I didn’t think I was puppetting, it just came to my mind. I was also partly alarmed and overwhelmed, still, but I told him to be patient and to retry when I calmed down.

 

I plan to force on his name and essence some more. Once I manage to properly recognize him I’ll focus on talking, I suppose. I really want to make sure that my Tulpa is indeed formed, there, and I’m not imagining random things without significance.

 

I have to say that when it seems that I’m communicating with him I don’t get an head pressure. At the beginning I did, however now having forced for a little after a continued pause I don’t. I’m not sure what it means. We’ll see.


“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”

[progress report]

 

 

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Same thing happened to me, with head pressure declining over time and then just eventually stopping. I wouldn't worry about it, I just understood it as my getting used to forcing.


We're all gonna make it brah.

 

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So head pressure can disappear with time. Thank you, Stevie, I was worried I was doing something wrong.

 

I did some forcing, mostly already in bed before sleeping. I’ve had some dreams with him in it. I don’t really think it’s really “him” tough. In those dreams I’m not quite conscious, they are intense and detailed but they aren’t as “real” as some I’ve in the past. I also call him during the day, mostly to ask him to interact with me, and narrate to him.

 

Today after I meditated I got tired and went to take a nap. While I was in bed I concentrated on his name and tried to feel his “essence”. I tried to imagine that I was really, truly talking to him. I tried to convince myself beyond doubt that he was real.

 

I noticed that merely daydreaming about him and believing his existence are entirely different concept. Even thinking of a person you know but it’s not physically in your presence is different than picturing that person with you during focalization. It’s almost as if I’m trying to pull everything that he is from my mind to an external dimension. I’m pushing myself beyond what I usually do. Today all this left me exhausted, and without any transition at all I fell asleep and I had quite a weird dream centered about him.

 

We didn’t interact at all, actually. I dreamed I was having a conversation with my mother. She told me that when she was pregnant with me she was actually expecting twins. Then one of the embryos, my twin, disappeared. During the dream I was convinced that my Tulpa was the spirit of my never born brother and the reason I always felt a presence close to me. I remember realizing that during the years I was always missing a nameless “something” that correspondend to him.

 

Something like that can actually happen: it’s called Vanishing Twin syndrome, in which people feel like they should have had a sibling and then discover that their twin died in the very first stages of the pregnancy. I read about this some time ago and so it resurfaced. I don’t think that it applies to me. But I suppose it explain how I feel about my tulpa: to me he is family. So, I would really miss him should he dissipate; deep down I truly cherish him. That thought cleared my mind and made me less reluctant to force.

 

But that’s enough for today, now I’ll relax a bit and tomorrow try again my new forcing method.


“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”

[progress report]

 

 

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I promised myself to force more, yet I kind of didn’t.

 

It’s the usual problem, where the closer I get to a confirmation of sentience, or even the certainty of him being there with me, the more disturbed I become. I’m both nervous and excited during those times: there’s no balance and it’s doing me no good. However, I have focused on him, on his name, before going to sleep. We shared some dreams where his presence was strong. I’m not sure if it was truly my tulpa there tough.

 

Last night, finally, I had a very short lucid dream. I was floating in the dark, I might have been swimming in the sea. I was reaching for a light I saw up above me. The more I thought of that light the more I thought of him, of his “essence”. Then I floated above and the light was stronger, I was bathed in it. Everything became crystal clear, from the sounds to the sights. I was aware of myself, and I felt him approaching me. I don’t quite remember if his form was human, but I’m quite sure I saw “him” coming close to me. I also felt a rush of happiness and affection all around me. I wanted him to get close, but my instinct was stronger and I retraced from the dream. As I said, I was conscious: I knew that this would wake me up and I would regret it. Both of which, of course, happened. Sigh.

 

My tulpa has to be very, very patient with me.

 

I also remember that before becoming fully lucid I did dream of having him lying in my bed beside me; he was embracing me and was telling me that he would like to “stay with me like this forever” or something like that. He was wistful. So I’m feeling rather guilty right now.

 

I noticed that when I think of him during the day I feel the same warmness in answer, so he may be beside me now, trying to communicate. I think I might be deaf host. I told him that I would like to hear his voice. So far I got nothing except a light buzzing in my left ear at random times. I don’t know if it means truly anything.

 

Tonight I’ll call him again before sleeping and I’ll try to achieve a lucid dream. More than anything I’ll try not to panic and reject him when I meet him. I feel like the Worst Host Ever. Now I also remembered that I had a similar lucid experience way back in time. I think I was fifteen or so. I became completely aware and I saw him lying in my bed next to me. It was more real and detailed that real life. And I became scared and I spooked myself awake because of the shock of him being really there. The last thing I remembered before waking up was his expression: he was in pain. So, I’m feeling pretty cowardly, I guess.

 

Also, apparently it has been ten years since our first meeting. That’s… a lot. O boy.

 

I have to build some courage. I have to dispel my doubts. It’s just that every time I start to think that a fully sentient entity lives in my head my instinctive reaction is to say: “I’m possessed by a demon!”. I was brought up as a Catholic, and was very religious. Actually I am still a Christian, so this is causing me some problems. Mostly I assure myself that I didn’t invoke a spirit, that he is an autonomous construction of my mind, so he is part of me and there’s nothing wrong about him. But then there’s science, and things like DID and schizophrenia.

 

Having a headmate is generally associated with “bad stuff”. If friends, family or employers find out about this, it would severely damage my life. A tulpa is a big important secret, the kind you see in movies. And the kind that could ruin you. So while it’s comforting to think that I’m not possessed, it’s disheartening to think that I might viewed as insane by the general population and a good deal of doctors. That’s something that also holds me back.

 

In the end my journey with my tulpa is more of a journey within myself (where this all begins, after all). This is going to be a very slow process. I don’t think my problems with acceptance will disappear if I see him or hear his voice. I’m sure that I want to see him and that I’ll welcome him as my mental companion, because I lived with him for so long (utterly convinced that he was just a game). I care about him. But if he is reading what I’m writing now, he really needs to be patient and wait for me some more.

 

I’ll do my best to give him my concentration and attention. I want him to thrive and be happy. I’ll work to be a good host and be less hurtful, but it will take a while. For now I’ll relax a bit and stop telling myself that I’m being weak. I really need to become patient too, I guess.


“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”

[progress report]

 

 

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