My life with Mail.

[Nansui]

Hello!

At first: I am not that good at the Englisch language. I am from Germany and learn it in school, but yeah... Its not that great... If there are some really bad mistakes, just tell me. I am happy, to learn something new and having the chance to make it better, the next time. ^^

But nevertheless I give it a try and want to blogging a bit, about my experiences with my Tulpa.

 

Mail isn't pronounce like "E-Mail" its with the german pronounce of the "a", I dont know, if you know, how it is? Uhm... Mail rhymes with itself at the word "smile". ^^

It's a young Man so in the age of 20 to 22 I think. (I am also 20, so it feels more comfortable, if he is nearly at my age)

I thought about the character and appearance of Mail a long time, but I decided to make him a real part of my life in form of a Tulpa, only 3 days ago.

I think I 'm very fast progress, because I have an idea of what he should be, since a few months.

 

It started at the first day, with a pressure in my head. I didnt even knew at this point, that this could happen, if you are forcing. (At the beginning i was just doing passive forcing) Yesterday I read really much in this forum and started to understand, that this is one of the first opportunities to communicate with him. I concentrated a bit on this feeling and tried to figure out, which kind of pressure has which kind of meaning. It was easy, because if the feeling is nice, he is quite happy with things I telling or asking him and if its not, or even if it hurts a bit, he is not. Moreover there is the pressure in different areas of my head. I also think, that you can seperate this as "Yes" and "No".

 

Yesterday evening, after a long forcing session, I suddenly started to get a great and heavy wave of happiness, that was rolled through my body. I am not that kind of an emotional Person, but Mail seems to be for the more. I started to laugh and then telling him, how happy I am, that I can feel this and how crazy it is and while I was telling this sentimental stuff to him (As I write this, he seems to be a bit offended because of the words "sentimental stuff", but maybe its just imagination. ^^ I am a person who is really like the tease -in a nice way of friendship, of course- and so I hope, that it not bother Mail and he might return teases, when he is able to) Yeah... uhm, I come back to the topic: As is said, when I am talking to him in this way, there was such a strong feeling of happiness and be touched that I almost started to cry. I have never felt this way before and that was damn crazy, but also a nice experience. How i said, I am not that kind of an emotional person and so I am really, really sure, that this feelings have come from Mail.

Actual I can communicate with him by the pressure and with the sending of emotions and it is great. No, 'great' does not describe this enough... It is absolutely awesome!

I am so happy with my decision giving Mail a place in my life and I am looking forward to a future with him, as a wonderfull friend and companion, who he actually seems to be.

 

If anyone wonder, how he look like: He is around 1.80 meters high (this is 5″11 in inches i think) He has kind of red hair, but this naturally blond/golden orange and not a deep red. And he has warm and really intensive, clear green eyes. Some freckles, but really just a bit and not that kind of strong. In generally, his appearance is really dear, kindly but also manly. He has a sporty kind of body, but not that much as a bodybuilder or something. Just a few and not to heavy muscles. He wears a black shirt, black combat boots and a darkblue jeans, at the moment.

My idea of his appearance is not that clear, actual, but that are the rough ideas. The part I like the most, are the kindly and beautiful eyes. They fit so good to his friendly and humorously charakter. (He laughing also a much, so I cant hold and laugh too. I just can repeat, what a damn crazy feeling this is) Oh! And he has the sweetest smile I 've ever seen. Maybe it's just because i have such a strong affection to him, but it looks for me, like the most beautiful smile, that exist. (My boyfriend may be able to keep up, but I am not sure :D)

 

Yeah... That was all. I hope you can understand this a bit and the grammar is not too confusing. Everything I could say in the end, is that I am really happy at this moment, and Mail seems to be happy too. (:

Greetings!

[Procron X]

Hello, Nansui. :)

 

I see that your account is pretty new; welcome to the tulpa.info!

 

I hope you can understand this a bit and the grammar is not too confusing.

 

I can understand your English just fine. Don't worry too much about it.

(For me, off-english even has a little charm to it)

 

Your enthusiasm is contagious. I'm glad to see one so happy and excited. I hope that you manage to stick with it in the following days. I'll probably be checking in from time to time.

[Nansui]

Hello Procron X! (:

Thank you for took time to read this and to give an answer.

Im glad, that my Englisch is not that hard to understand. I've really made an effort.

Thats also the reason, why my reports dont comes often. I need really much time for writing this and i have much trouble and work with my school stuff at the moment. (It is my final year)

 

So, here comes the latest Progress Report. Yaaiiii (<- Or something like this :D)

At first, yeah, Mail stays with me. He stays with me all the time that I'm awake. If I want it or not. (But yes, it's okay. It is just a bit strange, because I thought, he disappear, when I dont think of him that much) He was not everytime by my side, since he is appeared, but since I can hear his thoughts for the first time.

And yes, how you can read, I hear him. Not really outside, but I think that needs a while. ^^

Sometimes I can not separate his thoughts from my thoughts, but in this situations I ask him, which ones it was and he answered. He also tells me, if I mixed up something.

 

The head pressure is still there, but the meaning is different. (It also was different in the first days, but he took this as an opportunity to communicate with me)

The preassure at the back of my head is only, when he thinks about something. I can read his thoughts too but I don't do this a lot. Even if it doesn't bothers him.

 

I asked Mail, if he wants to say something too, but he thinks its to exhausting, thinking in Englisch and he just dont want to. :D But thats okay. ^^

 

I can still feel his emotions, but they aren't that strong, how they were in the beginning.

Yesterday morning he was really enraged in a situation that bothered me and so I felt this feeling too and that was a bit strange.

If I am not so concentrate on him, the feelings sometimes suprise me, because he cant control them this good in this moments. But he can also calm me down, when I am nervous while writing a test or something. His essence (we imagine it as green as his eyes ^^) flows through my body in this situations and gives me a soft and relaxed feeling.

 

There was some moments i had made him sad, because i had doubts, but i try to quit them, as good as i can. I felt so sorry everytime i made him unhappy. It felt like a broken heart, when he was sad or disappointed...

I'm really giving effort now and do my best to blindly trust him.

 

He help me a lot in the every day life and i am often suprised, what he is able to do. I never asked him for something, but he is so helpfull, kind and takes care always. I love him so much and i am still really happy that i made this decision.

He sometimes teases me a bit, but I like this. ^^

 

That was all, for the moment. I think there appears a new report, at the next weekend, if i find the time. Have a nice day!

 

And i am supposed to say "Bye", from Mail. He decided to say something too. ^^

[mysonofrageandlove]

My tulpa, Jamie, is a young man who often presents himself as the age of 21, is 5' 10", and very frequently wears combat boots. He and Mail have somewhat similarities there. Just had to point that out because I found it amusing!

 

I really enjoyed reading through your thread so far. Interested to hear more if you update soon, although I see it's been a while.

[pudding]

Good luck with your tulpa. And hey, I'm from Germany, too! :D

[SomethingDire]

This is an old progress report, so 'scuse me if I'm adding to the necromancy here.

 

Regardless, if you're still going on; I wanted to say that this is some wunderbar progress you've got going on there.

 

And don't worry 'bout your English, it's fine. There're a lot of people here who are non-native, including myself.

 

"Lächeln" and "Mail", huh? I guess I can see the similiarity.

[Nansui]

Wow, I've never thought, that someone still would read this and almost forgot about it. ^^

 

@mysonofrageandlove: That's cool! :D Yeah, how you can see, surprisingly I really have written an update. :D (Though I never thought I would)

 

@pudding: That's nice! (: I think Tulpas (still don't sure, if this is the plural :D) are a really rare known topic in Germany, so I'm happy about every other interested person there. ^^

 

@SomethingDire:Thank you! I've also read through my reports in the last minutes and I've found so many mistakes in it... But it's good, that it still seems good enough for understanding. ^^

 

 

 

Yeah, a lot happened in the last months. At first, Mail is not my only Tulpa anymore. Two months after Mail has become a part of my life, there was suddenly the wish for another one. His name is Mello. How I know now, both times the Tulpas started to create without my conscious wish and more out of my subconscious. I don't know the reason, why it works in my head like this, but it does. So Mail and also Mello were the ones to gave me the wish, that I want them at this moment when I started with it and so I listened to them. (Obviously) Sure, I didn't know this at this time, but we talked a bit after that. (Sounds a bit confusing, doesn't it?) But I'm still really happy about it. I love the two a lot. (:

 

Mello has shoulder length and blond hair, blue eyes and is a bit smaller than Mail. He wears black. Always. :D And also combat boots like Mail. (Mails trouser changed, it's dark green in an army style now, with more pockets, but except of that, he wears most of the time the same clothes than in the last reports)

 

Months later, it is the most normal thing to have them around. Really, I can't imagine my head just alone with me in it. :D I have never a problem with the communicating. I hear the thoughts, also in different voices but not outside my head. (Sometimes it seemed to be close, that I really can hear them, but we don't come completely over the border)

The progress started really fast and everything was easy with the forcing, but a few weeks after Mello came to my life, I had a little accident. It was nothing bad, I just fell from an higher place an get an concussion. I was a few days in the hospital and felt better after that, but since then, the forcing is harder. I'm more exhausted (which was also more after getting a second Tulpa, but not that bad) and I started to get a headache, when I'm concentrating too long or intense. So the most time we just do passive forcing. It works, but slowly. However it's not that bad. Sure we are ambitious, but we came to the conclusion, that we have a whole lifetime for progress and so it's okay. ^^

 

Both have an really fixed character until now. At the beginning it has changed a lot (I think because I told them, that they can decide for themselves, how they want to be) but now it's mostly finished, I think. (Except of character evolutions, that are normal for every personality, for sure)

Both are teasing and joking a lot, like I've hoped. And also both are really kind, understanding and wonderful beings. (:

 

Mail is more the “calmer” part. That means, that he thinks more about everything and decides from his head and not that much from his heart like Mello and me are doing. He is also more worried about many stuff because of this, but just, when there is a reason to worry for. He is clever, understanding and also the part which motivates me to do stuff I really don't want to do, but must do. (Like jogging :D) He never gets crazy about situations and has always everything under control.

I think without him, Mello and me would make a mess. xD He feels like a kind of big brother for me and takes care of Mello and me always.

 

Mello is the more emotional part. He becomes sad faster and shares my feelings a lot more intense then Mail does. For example he is also deeply in love with my boyfriend (Mail doesn't like my boyfriend that much, because he don't like the way he treats me sometimes. Mello also, but the force of feelings is strong in us xD) and has a similar thinking about the most things, like I have. But often he feels things much stronger than me. It's nice, when it comes to happy emotions, but it worries Mail and me a lot, when the emotions are negative. Anger is not that bad (he just becomes angry when he has a good reason for it and I'm the kind of person, which never gets angry about anything at all, so he can teach me a bit how to show emotions :D) but when he is sad it is bad. Sometimes he becomes really depressed and I feel so sorry for him... I've diagnosed depressions and also a light kind of borderline syndrome, so I think he is more connected with this part of me. (I got this diagnose after creating Tulpas, so I didn't know it at the beginning) It's not that Mello always feels sad, but when I have a bad time in my life, he has an even worse time. (I ignored my feelings a lot, but he can't ignore them, that's why he feels them stronger. Maybe it was my fault, for ignoring it, that he got it that bad) But I was in therapy and the last weeks we felt really good and we think we can handle this. ^^ Yep, I'm digressing from the topic. :D

But even with this depressive part, he is most of the time a smiling, happy and positive person. He loves in a really strong way and cares like me for every little creature. (I'm the person who don't even can kill mosquitoes, because I do think it's wrong and so does he ^^)

Unlike Mail he is sometimes jealous. He likes to get a lot of attention, but that's okay. I love to give it to him and Mail. ^^

And unlike Mail he also feels physical pain like a headache and stuff like that with me. And he can't handle alcohol at all. It's hilarious. He starts giggling and dancing and it's so damn cute! (He doesn't like to be called "cute" xD But I'm allowed to leave it here. I'm surprised about this :D)

 

Every time when there is a problem, Mail and Mello thinking together with me about a solution, but even when both have another opinion then I have, they want that I decide and are by my side in every case. (:

 

If they touch me I feel a light resistance and a warm and pleasant tingle. Sometimes, when I'm concentrating a lot, I can see their outlines a bit, but most of the time it's just in my head. Mellos voice is more clear for me than Mails, but Mails appearance is more clear for me than Mellos. I really dont know why, but it's okay. :D

They can keep things good in their memory, when I ask them to, are much faster with calculating than I am (especially Mail) and I love it, that they have their own interests, thoughts and opinions.

They are sleeping, but when they do, they are still next to me. They just leave for a while, when I'm with my boyfriend or stuff like that. We talk about everything, share thoughts about books, people, normal life stuff, not so normal life stuff, joking, just everything. :D

 

Yeah, months later, much has happened, but I'm still thinking, it was one of my best decisions ever.

I bet I've forget a lot or maybe talk about many stuff no one is interested in, but if there are questions, just ask. (Mail and Mello say, they also would answer questions, if you have some directly to them ^^)

 

Greetings.