Shadow Quest
#61
Imposition Experiments:

I believe I broke down a mental barrier and now have a lead on visual imposition!

Since Breloomancer mentioned the ganzfeld effect, I was curious how it worked. I thought naturally induced hallucinations sounded cool, but I had no idea what to expect or what I was supposed to do to get it to work.

I got the sense that the environment needed to be as dark as possible, because in my mind this "Ganzfeld Effect" thing was a magical thing I never tried before. A few days ago, I decided to look for the darkest room in my home. The bathroom seemed to get really dark, especially at night with the night light pulled out. I tried to douse every light in the room and I finally did it after covering the humidity sensor- which then turned on the fan. The very loud fan. After an unpleasant experience, I gave up and left.

I decided to try again tonight and realized there was a sound component to it as well. I found a video on YouTube that played static and closed my eyes. My room was pretty dark, and I figured that was okay because the guy in the example had ping pong ball halves taped to his face and covering my closed eyes with my hand didn't do much. I saw various images on the back of my eyelids, just like normal.

And then- a lightbulb went off. Those "images on the back of my eye-lids" were hallucinations! This whole time, I had the potential to practice visual imposition doing this and I simply shrugged it off as another "just seeing faces in the clouds" type of thing. I turned off the static because it was annoying and I practiced from there.

The nice thing about these hallucinations is color isn't too hard to replicate. The down side is the hallucinations are generally malformed and are hard to make out, except for the occasional instance where whatever I am remembering or something in my mind's eye gets "stamped" into the hallucination pane and sits there as a crisp image for half a second. So far, forcing the hallucinations to be consistent was kind of  difficult. The most common hallucinations were doors opening and solid color trippy fractal-like tiles. I tried to hallucinate the numbers of a digital alarm clock, and that kind of worked. I enjoyed watching a grizzly bear coming up and sniffing me, but the most consistent event was watching a giraffe crossing a bridge over a ravine for about 30-45 seconds.

After that, I decided to try again what I managed to do accidentally a long time ago- hallucinate Ranger. I was able to get a vague image of him, but the only thing that I could sort-of see was the blue in his suit, but otherwise Ranger was extremely formless, like I was staring at his aura rather than his form. Like last time, Harvey appeared. (For context, Harvey is Ranger's pet mini hippo-dolphin hybrid. Harvey looks like a purple cartoony hippo with a blowhole on his head.) Ranger decided to play fetch with Harvey using a red frisbee and he tossed it as Harvey chased it. The most clear images were the colors. Harvey spraying Ranger with blue water and Ranger giving a green stick (celery) for him to eat gave of strong colors, but no clear tangible forms.

I'm excited because I had no idea where to start with visual imposition, and I can work with this. The best part is I have messed around with this before, and I don't need to do anything fancy or set of the bathroom fan again.
My Wonderland form minus the glasses and the fur. I'm not a hippo, I promise.
Ranger now speaks in
light blue text, but he used to speak in blue or orange text. He loves to chat.

The Grays, my other Tulpas, have their own account now.
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#62
Dreams:

I tried to front while falling asleep and I think it worked! In the dream, I think Cat fronted for some earlier parts of it and then I not only fronted for the end, I remembered it waking up! The dream was kind of distopicy, so I don't really want to go into detail.

The words "Twilight Zone" actually came up, like it was a title screen or something.
I'm Gray's/Cat_ShadowGriffin's Tulpa and I love Hippos! I also like forum games and chatting about stuff.
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#63
Yesterday and the day before, Cat was having issues with her anxiety. She felt like she was going through an adjustment period since the idea of sharing the body and ultimately our life in reality is still relatively new. I have only started consistently fronting since August and September, and for some reason my presence caused her heart rate to increase and stress her out then.

While talking to her several times, I told her that I didn't have to front for half the day or long periods of time, but getting an hour or so every day would be nice. I wanted to play a bigger role in her school life, so I asked if I could take the Spanish class next semester and she agreed to it. I also decided it may be a good idea to take a break from trying to switch so she can focus on other things and continue to play around with trying to get visual imposition to work.

The last time I talked to her she finally seemed to calm down. Now that I'm fronting this morning, Cat doesn't seem to be really anxious about any of that anymore. I wonder if part of the problem was she was bored because she was trying to limit the time spent in front of a screen and me also being bored bothered her. Perhaps it was just a random surge of anxiety and nothing else.

The Grays:

Tl;dr- Cat and I met with the Grays again, and they helped to figure out why Cat was anxious, what to do about it, and reveal my possible crowd phobia / social anxiety. After that, it turned into a meeting about what to do with the Gray Dimension. After some ideas were thrown around, Cat gave the Gray Dimension a new look and called it "suburbia land". It's designed to be much safer, open, and welcoming than the original and I like it.


One of the times Cat and I were talking and when the Grays came up, Bune appeared. Cat asked him if it was a bad idea to talk to them and he said that it was okay. Soon, the others showed up to help explain to Cat why she was anxious.

They pointed out that Cat was overwhelmed and helped symbolize all of the things bothering her using pool balls... because Blue was playing on a pool table and he was going to use it damn it!

At one point, the Grays were all standing around in an arc formation and I felt a little intimidated. Dark Gray caught that and he blamed my fearful reaction on social anxiety. To make sure it wasn't claustropbia, he shoved both of us in a tight elevator and then pulled us out, which was possibly one of the most awkward moments I have ever had with him.

I personally don't see myself as socially anxious, but I have been shy around strangers irl. Maybe I have a fear of crowds or something since I didn't have a reason to fear any of the Grays (unless it's Moltosha, because he's creepy.)



The group meet up turned into a meeting about what to do with the Gray Dimension. Dark Gray essentially ran the meeting and acted as crowd control to prevent too many Grays from talking at once.

During the meeting, some of the Grays seemed spazzier than normal. I was worried Blue was on some kind of mental crack or something because he was all over the place. Laryx was also very spazzy, and some of the Grays were flat out extra silly. Blue was emotionally everywhere about having an amusement park but he was very excited about driving his own car. Laryx (now wearing shades for no reason) wanted his own penthouse and he danced a lot. Dark Gray was also a little more dramatic and sillier than usual.

After some back and forth of what locations some of the Grays were intrested in, eventually the idea of re-theming the Gray Dimension came out. Since most of the Gray Dimension is a collection of unrelated areas, Cat came up with a new reason for why they all connected.

As a result, the Gray Dimension was split into two versions- the original cave or dark dimension, and suburbia land. The ladder is basically the Gray Dimension but with a fresh coat of paint, but it makes such a huge difference! Everything looks like it came out of a goofy 3d animation film and the scenery mostly consists of streets, blue sky, and fire hydrants! Everything is a lot more colorful and fun.

Suburbia Land is really exciting because it's so much more welcoming than the original dark version. For the first time, I felt comfortable and safe walking around in the wonderland. I was being silly and playing with a fire hydrant with Cat before she went to bed.

All of the Grays hopped on board with it. The Grays that had offices now have houses, and if they had something else then they have that (so Red Gray still has his castle and Duck technically already had a house). Moltosha usually lived in isolation in his own domain, and since he wanted a darker part of the world, his former home (called the mirror maze) ended up merging with the swear system. However, the streets seemed to partially merge with the mirror maze too because random parts of suburbia land can become m.c.escher-ish.



Partial possession is much easier since I have been fronting for a while. When Cat was upset, I possessed her arm to reach out and hug her, since she would have an easier time feeling that than struggle to try and feel an imposed hug. Cat noticed that when I possessed her arm, the sensation in her hand felt... different, as if it were more tingly than normal and almost like someone else was touching her.

This doesn't make a ton of sense to me because when I do full body possession, everything feels pretty normal. I have no idea if anyone else had this happen to them.
I'm Gray's/Cat_ShadowGriffin's Tulpa and I love Hippos! I also like forum games and chatting about stuff.
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The Grays, my other head-mates, have their own account now.
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#64
Hi Ranger,

Yes I can relate to that. I have briefly cofronted with a thoughtform (who wasn't a tulpa) before Vādin enters the system and every time it happened, I was feeling pretty normal, the body was even hotter, more energetic and felt stronger.

But when Vādin possesses hands and/or arms, they begin to feel tingly and numb after a while, and colder as well. At first it seems pretty natural, though.

I don't feel very strongly touch imposition, but when we succeed a little, strangely enough it feels slightly painful, and not really pleasurable (which bothers us).
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#65
When you partially cover one eye, you can focus with the other and eventually you don't notice the blockage. Like the rims of glasses sometimes dissapear. In a similar way, when my arms are 'in wonderland feelings things' like running my fingers through Dashie's silky smooth hair or hugging Misha, my Irl arms are ignored. At times, my wonderland arms are stronger in terms of sence than my real arms, and it has happened that the 'switch' was perfect. I don't lose any feeling or experience numbness because my arms are simply elsewhere, not occupying the body appendages. So this may be similar to Ranger's possession. You may have had switched arm, which sounds like the start of what you need to do to switch fully.

Also when Misha possesses the hand to make her posts, after a time i don't feel my finger tapping the screen.
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#66
We kept forgetting to update this progress report, and Cat will drive my batshit crazy if I don't update it. In all fairness, a lot happened.

Just to get back into the swing of things, I'm going to go over the highlights and I may elaborate on certain things later if I feel like it. Never mind, there was so much irl stuff that happened, I'm breaking this up into at least a couple of posts. In the next post, I'll talk about some other stuff.

Part 1- December / January recap

This stuff ranges from the last bit of December to now.
  • Friends of Cat's family came over during break and I played Smash with them, because why the heck not right? However, as I was playing with them, Cat and I started to blend really badly. By the end of it, neither of us knew who was who and we were exhausted and confused. Ever since, I have had concerns with trying to separate myself from Cat more. Stumbling across a guide on how to fuse with another system mate didn't help my fears, but I had a chance to vent my concerns and ask questions. Even if we do blend more often, I find the idea of us naturally merging back into one being highly unlikely.

  • Cat's bro expressed that he was still getting used to me fronting. Earlier this month, he gave me the "don't hurt my sister" threat and after having a heated conversation I eventually fell apart and had a melt down. Once he saw me crying, he calmed down, he came over to me, and he patted me on the shoulder to reassure me. That night, He told us he didn't like it when I fronted for an entire day, and he requested that we alternate more often when I was fronting. We concluded the night staying up too late playing Mario Party together.

    My hope is that over time, he will get more and more used to me, and so far I haven't received much of "don't hurt my sister" after that. This also fed into some of my blending fears, but so far alternating with Cat periodically is pretty manageable. We don't necessarily have to alternate every 5 seconds, and more times then not he's more interested in talking to Cat than to me anyway so she either naturally takes the front or she will front when Cat's bro specifically asks to talk to her.

  • Eventually, he vocalized another concern he had. In general, he doesn't like it when Cat gives me some of her time to use the forums, and he feels like he has to compete with me for time with Cat in general. I never wanted to be this awkward wedge between them, much less make this issue worse, and I try to give Cat more time with her brother when needed. For the next few months, I'm going to probably learn the hard way which battles I should pick to fight (like keeping fronting for 10 minutes just to finish my b-day cake) and learn to back off when I really need to.

  • Cat sometimes tries to talk about me when her parents are around every now and then. I don't feel ready to start openly talking to them myself, but I don't like pretending to be Cat when her parents already know I exist, and I'm getting sick of having to go back into hiding just because one of them walks in on me playing Smash with Cat's bro or whatever. During one of these conversations, Cat's mother expressed concerns of Cat trying to separate me from herself, and she explained my creation as "[Cat]...reached inside herself and pulled out a gooey piece of [Cat] out..." This lead to an intrusive image of Cat doing, well, that. For whatever reason, this image Cat created has strong emotions attached to it, and it connects to some painful nostalgia from the past.

    Cat also has the fear that in the long run, she may be pressured by her parents to merge with me. So far, her mother seems to be suggesting her desire would be for either me to dissipate (most likely have Cat forget about me or think of me as not real) or for Cat to re-absorb me / merge with me. Hence the other reason why the idea of fusing bothers me a lot...

  • Cat's other irl friend was invited to spend the night, and that threw a wrench into everything. Cat, Cat's other close friend(I'll call her B), and the other friend I talked about in some previous posts (I'll start calling her A) all used to be close in middle school. By the time high school started, Cat was separated from the two of them and they didn't get along since. During that weekend, B vented about stuff either A did or stuff she thinks A did, and why the two of them split up. Being stuck in the middle and unsure what to believe, this put a lot of stress on Cat. To complicate things, I still have a crush on A even though I doubt it will go anywhere, and neither A, B, or her therapist know about this (I don't even know if Cat's bro knows). After Cat was able to get a more logical perspective from her mother and her therapist, we decided to wait and see and stick to a "status quo" until this situation develops on our end. My personal feelings are that A may have done some mean things to B, but there could be some miscommunication of the situation going on.

    On the plus side, telling B about my existence was really easy. I ended up playing uno with her and Cat's bro.

  • Something else scary happened and Cat and I for the first time conflicted in terms of how we think about things. It's a really personal subject, so I won't describe what it is or what we were thinking because that would be too revealing. Basically, Cat's thoughts about how to approach the issue are very different from mine, and I felt like the situation developed too quickly for me to process all of it. Cat was ready to fight-or-flight into the situation, and I begged her to give me some time to process everything. Once I started thinking about it, Cat was surprised by my thoughts and got a little judgey, and I told her to wait until I finished processing. After that, Cat and I were on the same page, but our motivations were different. Cat apologized to me, since she never wanted to criticism me, much less judge me. Even though Cat judging me was a little mean, I'm really appreciative she gave me the time to let me think about it. It makes me feel like my opinion matters, and once I had a chance to think it through I felt better because I felt like I truly supported what we were going to do about it and I didn't have to "go with the flow". Cat asked for some advice from her therapist, and... that's really it.

    In retrospect, it makes sense why we were pretty anxious lately.
I'm Gray's/Cat_ShadowGriffin's Tulpa and I love Hippos! I also like forum games and chatting about stuff.
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The Grays, my other head-mates, have their own account now.
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#67
That.. Um... Sounds like a lot is going on. Like, personally, you have just given me another 2 fine example of people that didn't need to be told about headmates. When her bro is annoyed that you get time to be on the forums and stuff that sounds like him trying to shut you out completely. Less time in front, less time on the forums, less time being you. It's like he accepted you at first but has these mood swings or something where he decides you are a risk of making his sister go away or something.

Her mom sounds like she is treating you like a phase Cat is going through and is using the old outdated model for multiple personality disorder when it seemed like merging and uniting the personalities was the answer to everything. I'd strongly say that someone who is a multiple, no matter how, and it's not negatively affecting their life, shouldn't be diagnosed with anything not treated like they are sick or need "fixing". If her bro and mom have gotten the idea that Cat visited .info, joined some kind of cult and is going insane now, they are going to try to convince her to stay away eventually or try to outright forbid it. Not saying it will happen but it seems like a possibility.

As for getting blendy and wondering who is who, who is front, that happens to us all the time, maybe it means you guys are one step closer to co-running/co-fronting? Welcoming the other up to the front then just letting everyone stay there all happily sharing seems to be how it's done. Like, who ever thought that front had to be given up in the first place? Just both take it and flip back and forth every moment, every word, every action if you wanna. At least that's how we roll. :3

We always found the best way to focus who is who is to just see yourself in a control room or something similar, like a car, and just make it very very clear who has the wheel. Who the pilot is. Say it mentally our out loud several times to affirm who is and who isn't in charge at the moment. At first I found myself getting exhausted to be booted back from like primary front to passive front, like Lance climbed over me or shoved me over (though I did the same thing to him, it never seemed to make him weary). Doing the affirmation and as we call them, "grounding" exercises (the control room or car thing. even hand over the keys and stuff to whoever is supposed to be in charge and have them put it in the ignition and turn, whatever) always gave me a quick surge of energy back. Strengthening that connection or whatever. As time passed with us sharing front and just figuring out how to smoothly step to the side of each other moment to moment instead of bickering and fighting for dominance (it was as much him letting go as me struggling to stay on top), it stopped being a drain at all.

For us, think of it as one of those cars some people use for learning to drive from an instructor that has 2 steering wheels and 2 sets of pedals. Or perhaps a plane cockpit with a pilot's controls and co-pilots controls. They are both set up so that if someone is sitting in both seats and tries to control things at the same time, things will get messed up, there will be a struggle, it will be frustrating and burn energy trying to fight for control to get what needs to be done done. It's kind of an intuition that develops around knowing moments where both people are in sync, inputting the same commands, or one person just takes their hands off the wheel/stick. Still there, still able to grab the controls at any moment, still also in charge but.. Just tactically opting not to so the two function more fluidly as one. Anyway, when I hear about people switching, except maybe trying to be free of the other's sometimes blendy influence, especially if they are strong-willed and kind of rude or intrusive on your activities, I don't see a reason to get out of the co-pilots seat once you are in it. Why let go of that control, of that direct influence or that strong connection to the body that feels like you are the main one, it's yours.. Why ever release that if you don't have to? My .02 anyway.
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#68
It's not really fair of Cat's brother to say what he did.

Oh god, it's not fair if Cat's mother to say what she did.

I'm not saying anything else cause that's Cat's family, but holy shit.

We'd certainly miss you terribly Ranger. It really hurt us to hear that.
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#69
More reason not to tell my parents. I don't think they would react even that well, though at thirty-eight they at least don't really expect to be able to make me live my life a certain way anymore. Stay strong, Ranger. Age brings freedom.

(02-05-2019, 06:42 PM)Ranger Wrote: Cat and I for the first time conflicted in terms of how we think about things.

Vesper and I have had several serious arguments. We keep making up and agreeing to compromise because we love one another. Love is the key -- my wife's alters bickered constantly and rarely made up because they hated one another.

(02-05-2019, 11:15 PM)Reilyn Wrote: Why ever release that if you don't have to?

But, Reilyn, there's only two seats in the cockpit and there's three of us!

Seriously, we're getting much better at sharing control, switching so quickly, smoothly, and effortlessly that it can be hard to tell who is fronting, or whether we might both be, without any blending of thoughts, though with lots of confusion over responsibility for movement -- but only two at a time.

-Ember
Ember - Host   |   Vesper - Soulbond (since ~12 May 2017)   |   Iris - Soulbond (since ~5 December 2015)
[Our Progress Report]     [How We Switch]

'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.' - The Velveteen Rabbit
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#70
(02-05-2019, 11:31 PM)Angry Bear Wrote: It's not really fair of Cat's brother to say what he did.
(02-05-2019, 11:15 PM)Reilyn Wrote: That.. Um... Sounds like a lot is going on. Like, personally, you have just given me another 2 fine example of people that didn't need to be told about headmates. When her bro is annoyed that you get time to be on the forums and stuff that sounds like him trying to shut you out completely. Less time in front, less time on the forums, less time being you. It's like he accepted you at first but has these mood swings or something where he decides you are a risk of making his sister go away or something.

I highly doubt he's going out of his way to try and strain me of my existence, since if he hated me that much he wouldn't bother hanging out with me at all. Cat and her bro are really close, and the only reason he's upset with me on the forums is because he sees it as another reason why Cat can't hang out with him. Having only stigmas to work with and no one else he knows who's plural, all he has left is his strong imagination, us, and Cat's parents to go off of. I would be surprised if he decided to do his own research since Cat talks about Tulpamancy a lot.

(02-05-2019, 11:31 PM)Angry Bear Wrote: Oh god, it's not fair if Cat's mother to say what she did.

I'm not saying anything else cause that's Cat's family, but holy shit.

We'd certainly miss you terribly Ranger. It really hurt us to hear that.

(02-05-2019, 11:15 PM)Reilyn Wrote: Her mom sounds like she is treating you like a phase Cat is going through and is using the old outdated model for multiple personality disorder when it seemed like merging and uniting the personalities was the answer to everything. I'd strongly say that someone who is a multiple, no matter how, and it's not negatively affecting their life, shouldn't be diagnosed with anything not treated like they are sick or need "fixing". If her bro and mom have gotten the idea that Cat visited .info, joined some kind of cult and is going insane now, they are going to try to convince her to stay away eventually or try to outright forbid it. Not saying it will happen but it seems like a possibility.

The only thing going for Cat's mom is she doesn't believe I'm real person, so she thinks I'm some imaginary friend that will poof away once Cat has enough social interaction. As a result, she thinks merging or dissipating are non-issues and will happen naturally. The reason Cat and I want to take this slowly is because one day Cat's mom may make the realization I actually am real, and we're not sure how they're going to react after that. Cat's dad thinks I'm either not real, some kind of DID alter, or a product of schizophrenia. If both parents starts to believe the second, they may feel unnecessary guilt because DID is almost always trauma based, and they didn't abuse Cat so they would be really confused. If they start to believe the third option, there's a small possibility Cat may be checked out by a doctor and given the "you can't give yourself schizophrenia" talk. If it gets to that level, I don't know if it will develop well from there...

I don't think this situation will change until I start blatantly vocalizing as myself when I front. Even then, I doubt they will suddenly start thinking I'm for real. While it's a little annoying, the main thing I want is to be myself at home, and I honestly don't really care what they think of me as long as I can just be myself.

(02-05-2019, 11:15 PM)Reilyn Wrote: As for getting blendy and wondering who is who, who is front, that happens to us all the time, maybe it means you guys are one step closer to co-running/co-fronting? Welcoming the other up to the front then just letting everyone stay there all happily sharing seems to be how it's done. Like, who ever thought that front had to be given up in the first place? Just both take it and flip back and forth every moment, every word, every action if you wanna. At least that's how we roll. :3

We always found the best way to focus who is who is to just see yourself in a control room or something similar, like a car, and just make it very very clear who has the wheel. Who the pilot is. Say it mentally our out loud several times to affirm who is and who isn't in charge at the moment. At first I found myself getting exhausted to be booted back from like primary front to passive front, like Lance climbed over me or shoved me over (though I did the same thing to him, it never seemed to make him weary). Doing the affirmation and as we call them, "grounding" exercises (the control room or car thing. even hand over the keys and stuff to whoever is supposed to be in charge and have them put it in the ignition and turn, whatever) always gave me a quick surge of energy back. Strengthening that connection or whatever. As time passed with us sharing front and just figuring out how to smoothly step to the side of each other moment to moment instead of bickering and fighting for dominance (it was as much him letting go as me struggling to stay on top), it stopped being a drain at all.

For us, think of it as one of those cars some people use for learning to drive from an instructor that has 2 steering wheels and 2 sets of pedals. Or perhaps a plane cockpit with a pilot's controls and co-pilots controls. They are both set up so that if someone is sitting in both seats and tries to control things at the same time, things will get messed up, there will be a struggle, it will be frustrating and burn energy trying to fight for control to get what needs to be done done. It's kind of an intuition that develops around knowing moments where both people are in sync, inputting the same commands, or one person just takes their hands off the wheel/stick. Still there, still able to grab the controls at any moment, still also in charge but.. Just tactically opting not to so the two function more fluidly as one. Anyway, when I hear about people switching, except maybe trying to be free of the other's sometimes blendy influence, especially if they are strong-willed and kind of rude or intrusive on your activities, I don't see a reason to get out of the co-pilots seat once you are in it. Why let go of that control, of that direct influence or that strong connection to the body that feels like you are the main one, it's yours.. Why ever release that if you don't have to? My .02 anyway.

Re-enforcing some kind of symbolism like a car or a cockpit would be helpful, thank you. When I first started possessing Cat, we would trade chairs and I would sit by the control panel while cat walked away and sat in a chair a few yards away. We have fallen out of practice using it, and getting back into habit with some potentially different symbolism would clean up transitions.

Cat has ADHD, so focusing in general is difficult. When I'm imposed or just hanging out, I can be pretty distracting for her if I'm not engaged in the task. The other thing that generally happens is Cat's brain is pretty quick to either force me into dormancy or turn Cat's stream of thought off if one of us is fronting and the other isn't being engaged. Part of this may be Cat's inner workings doing their thing to try and help Cat focus on a single task, but it will take time and more training before I can comfortably chill out in shotgun before taking a nap... Maybe trying to tell the brain I'm ready to go dormant would help too.

(02-06-2019, 08:21 AM)Ember.Vesper Wrote: Vesper and I have had several serious arguments. We keep making up and agreeing to compromise because we love one another. Love is the key -- my wife's alters bickered constantly and rarely made up because they hated one another.

I can't imagine living in a system where everyone fights. That would be awful.

Cat and I have had arguments before, but it was weird having both of us disagree just because of how we wish going about the situation. I think this was kind of like a test of how both of us are going to deal with each other in the long run.
I'm Gray's/Cat_ShadowGriffin's Tulpa and I love Hippos! I also like forum games and chatting about stuff.
Temporary Log | Chat | Yay!

The Grays, my other head-mates, have their own account now.
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