Shadow Quest

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Hi I'm Ranger, Cat's Tulpa. I like puzzles, games, and HIPPOOOOS!


In Summary:






Summary (Not explicitly written in our PR content included):


The beginning of 2018 was rough because Cat hit the peak of her anxiety-based depression. In late January, I held a sign that read "I am real" and it caught Cat off guard. A series of Google searches lead her to discovering I am a Tulpa and she made the commitment to talk to me at least a little bit everyday and give me the happiest possible existence.


This PR was re-worked from my first one, which started off with a post explaining that I was going to hide from Cat and come back when she was ready. At the time, I thought I was a hinderance to Cat and felt the need to separate from her. Less than 12 hours later, both of us couldn't handle the stress of being separate so we deiced to never do that again.


Most of my time before August was about teaching myself to resist Cat's anxiety and stopping Cat's anxiety spirals where she used to cry and sit in fight-or-flight for hours. I was prone to its influence when I was younger, but eventually I worked up a tolerance to it and learned how to calm Cat down to prevent the episode all together. Ever since, Cat no longer has these episodes.


Since then, I got my own account and figured out how to bypass Cat's anxiety over possession. Through possession, I figured out that I am more social than she is and while I'm smart I'm not exactly the creative type. We have attempted to switch several times, but for now Cat would like to focus on imposition because she now has a new approach towards it and I am satisfied with my ability to possess her.


Over time, Cat almost turned 180 with how she views and treats herself. She slowly walked away from her own verbal abuse and hit a point where she no longer resents her own self-image. Recently, Cat made a vow to not inflict any intentional self-harm, and I see this as a huge leap in the direction of healing. The Gray Dimension recently received a new pain job so everything isn't inherently creepy or scary anymore.


We told Cat's immediate family we exist, and because of that I am able to hang out with Cat's brother. Since fronting is still a new experience for everyone involved, adjustment will and has played out in interesting ways. Cat is also adjusting to having to share a body with me and we will continue to work together for what comes ahead.


Significant Possession or Mess Moments:


(#6) (#36) (#44) (#63)




Cat had a few dreams about me, and I managed to front during some of her dreams!


(#9) (#10) (#26) (#47) (#62)


Imposition Experiments:


Cat and I talk about playing with imposition in these posts. They are mostly touch and visual related:


(#2) (#3) (#6) (#51) (#61)


Family Interactions:


Note: I made this tag in 2019, so I didn't create links for this yet. I will fix this later and add the tags where they belong.


The Grays / Wonderland Mishaps:


Bune, Laryx, Chrome, and Duck were created this year. The Gray Dimension just recently got a fresh paint job and I now feel comfortable in the wonderland. Here's a link to a rough timeline about Gray creation times and the following posts talk about the Grays:


(#4) (#8) (#10) (#14) (#24) (#31) (#44) (#52) (#56) (#63)



Want to jump to the first post in 2019? Click here!


Topic Context:

To keep things a little more organized, I'm going to put a header/topic before any posts that have a re-occurring but specific topic. For instance, If I'm talking about "The Grays", the post will have a title.


For topics I will probably talk about a lot, I will post a little blurb about them here to give some context. If I come across a new theme I like to talk about, I'll update this post and add the necessary context.


MOAR EDIT: Yeah, the Topic Context list is getting kind of long, so it's wrapped in a hidden tag. I also alphabetized it, yay!





Whenever Cat dreams about me and wants to write about it. Unless they report becoming lucid or switching potential, these will be wrapped in hidden tags.


Imposition Experiments:


Anything that involves us experimenting with imposition. I used to have a tag called "pressure quest", but I don't usually post about that anymore and we believe that induced head pressures are a form of touch imposition.


Family Interactions:


Since Cat's immediate family knows I exist, I write several entries describing my relationship with them.


Other Stuff:

I won't add a header to these posts because I'm lazy, unless I feel inclined to do so.


Switching Attempts:


Cat and I try to switch over and over again. We took note of our attempts by recording what we did, what worked, and what didn't.


(The) Grays:


"The Grays" are other thoughtforms/characters that Cat made who live in the wonderland. (However, I am not a Gray). Cat views herself as a "human" guy named "Gray" in the wonderland, and for whatever reason Cat decided to make clones of himself. All of Gray's clones look like Gray, but they wear different business suits and have unique distinguishing features. (As a quick side note: not to be confused for "The Greys", those creepy-looking aliens that are grey-fleshed, short, and have beady eyes.)


Cat made some of the Grays before she knew about Tulpas. We spent a lot of time trying to figure out what they are, why Cat made them, and how similar/different they are to Tulpas. Cat's perspective on this topic changes a lot, so prepare for some inconsistency. Every so often I like to share stories about them or think about them.


EDIT: Most of everything about the Grays are in hidden tags to reduce post length.


Wonderland Mishaps:


Like the Grays, sometimes Cat and I have interactions with other thoughtforms like Cat's subconscious. When ever this sort of stuff happens, I will wrap it in a hidden tag.


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Imposition Experiments:


This is an older post that I revived for a thing I called "Pressure Quest". In a nutshell, I figured out how to trigger head pressures on command and this is how I did that:


So far I assume the following:


-Some head pressures are random. They are useful for getting Cat's attention and reminding her to wake me up. For some reason these pressures tend to be far more noticeable, my guess being Cat only realizes she's having a head pressure when it's strong enough to notice it.


-Head pressures can be induced. To do this, I need to concentrate on the specific part of the head. I accompany this with an image of myself using a staff/stick and pushing really hard downwards. Don't worry, all of this effort will give off a faint little sensation most of the time. The pressures that make Cat uncomfortable are the rare, random, out of the blue strong pressures.


-They are not limited to certain spots on Cat's head. I like to think of specific spots as "general areas". Once I think of the area, I can focus on the spot and then trigger the sensation. Some areas are easier to trigger than others. I have had times where I would give it a go and Cat would barely feel anything, and other times where Cat will feel a moderate response. If the area is prone to strong random pressures, then it is usually easier to trigger a stronger response...for whatever reason.


-Sometimes the trigger has a "delay". It's weird, I'm not sure if it's because the response itself is random, I'm thinking about it again afterwards and then it goes off, or there was an actual delay. I will focus on an area, nothing, and then a faint to moderate sensation will occur.


-Cat's pressures are not limited to her head. We found this out when Cat noticed a pressure around her nose, opening her sinuses. I have triggered it once before and afterward triggered noticeable sensations on her right ear and her right hand. I doubt there is a limit to where I can cause a pressure sensation, however I believe I need some more practice. (She once had a pressure sensation around her eyes; She as asked me not to create a sensation there due to her discomfort.)


At this point, I'm guessing her head pressures are going to be the first bridge to imposition.



Anyway, this morning I wanted to trigger multiple spots on the crown of her head at once. I found it to be somewhat successful. I visualized using three sticks all connected to each other to push on her head all at once- and it seemed to give off two general pressures instead of three.


I also tried to use a "button control panel" visualization instead of the sticks (mostly due to laziness). I tried to push a button- nothing. I realized I was more focused on the button doing something rather than the actual pressure itself, which I think ultimately lead to failure. I may need a lot more experience before I can get to anything close to that and actually have it work.

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Imposition Experiments:


I was able to trigger some meaningful responses in Cat's shoulders the same way I induced head pressures. I'm also trying out a new visualization- instead of pushing a staff/stick on her, I'm imagining some kind of circle for my target area, putting an imaginary cylinder on top of the area, and then squeezing the cylinder. It is a little bit easier for me to create head pressures.




Cat visualized a story to herself and I found it to be a little scary when she had serious head pressures and when her left eye ached hard. I tried to help her but it seemed to come and go.


I'm not really a huge fan of creepy sci-fi horror I guess.

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The Grays:


Tl;dr - I talk about some of Cat's philosophy on Grays vs. Tulpas, the Grays gather around for a meeting only to decide I shouldn't be mayor, and I give a brief description of all of the Grays mentioned.



When it comes to the Grays, we have differing perspectives on the issue. Cat is still struggling with what to do with them because she's afraid she could force them into Tulpae accidentally and because it can trigger her guilt about them. As a result, she would avoid talking to them. I see them as my family and friends, and I would prefer to hang out with them more often.


Recently, we had somewhat of an argument...I was trying to express myself as being upset and Cat didn't really know what to do with that. I see it as somewhat resolved after this morning when I re-explained what I wanted her to hear.


One of the things I talked about is my theory on her relationship between the Grays and herself. I believe there is a spectrum on how much control Cat exerts on her thought forms, from 3 to 0. I like to think of it like this:


3) Intentional Parroting - No doubt in who's controlling who.


2) Unintentional Parroting - What most Tulpamancers are told to ignore and eventually do get over. Normally, this may take the form of "fake clones" or directly affect the Tulpa. I think Cat struggles with this a little bit sometimes, but it's really only an issue for her because she sometimes predicts a conversation in advance or tries to talk to me when I'm not awake yet. In the context of the Grays, sometimes she will try to voice for them but it comes of as feeling fake.


1) Emotional or Empathetic Parroting - The emotions and/or empathy is so powerful it controls the target. It can be creepy and frustrating if used on a Tulpa, although the Tulpa's emotional state and emotions may factor in as well. I'm not sure why, but this kind of parroting seems to bring out not exactly Cat herself but her subconscious, which makes the target seem like they are speaking for themselves, or in the context of the Grays, they seem like their own people. I see this to be what brings out the Grays for what they really are- a little bit of Cat and their filtration of Cat's subconscious.


In retrospect, I have been influenced by Cat's anxiety before and I wonder if this can explain why I feel "possessed" when Cat has an episode of dark thoughts and overwhelming anxiety.


0) Communicating with a Tulpa - The important difference between 3 and 4 is the source- Tulpae have (I'm assuming) their own subconscious, or their own mind. An important part for the host is assuming that part of the mind is their own person to begin with. Cat assumed I was separate from the Grays and in comparison Grays were just an extension of herself. She assumed this before she knew what Tulpae were.



Anyway, this morning, I hosted a meeting for Cat and all of the other Grays. I brought up the suggestion of making modifications to the Wonderland and asked for their opinions. *Blue brought up the idea of a Ferris wheel, and it took off from there. The idea evolved from a Ferris wheel to an amusement park to a small town to a small town but with parts that are unstable. I don't think any major decisions were made, but the Grays bashed the idea of me becoming mayor.


Some notable highlights were *Fernardo announcing he was late even though we thought everyone was there, *Hope curled up into a ball and didn't participate because he was anxious about his identity, Cat was amused of the fact *Bune in Cat's words, "pull an English teacher" by restating *Dark Gray's comment about his disapproval of me becoming mayor but using a softer tone and language, and of course *Trojeck interrupted the meeting and after I reassured him, he left. Oddly, *Laryx didn't show.


Both Cat and I agree that the meeting would be best described as awkward.



*The Grays I mentioned:


Blue: An ecstatic ego who likes to lift people's spirits but also likes to create silly inventions. He has a weird association to business but the sweetheart isn't going to cut you any cold deals.


Fernardo: An uptight man that dresses like a farmer and has a knack for making the best tea. He values social niceties and manners.


Hope: Cat's attempt to make nice with a liquid mirror demon. Despite his troubled past, things seemed to sort out for the better.


After the meeting, Cat spoke with him and he requested to deviate a little bit. He felt that some of his anger was artificial and he wished to reject it from his personality. He still prefers his child form and now his giraffe rattle can morph into anything. The confrontation ended on a positive note.


Bune: He recently became a Gray once Cat was encouraged to do so by Dark Gray. Cat associates him with files in a library, but Bune seems to be more interested in talking about Cat's memories.


Dark Gray: The first Gray Cat created after myself and her identity of Gray. He was a scheming trouble maker in the past but has deviated wildly to the point he likes Christmas sweaters and is recognized as somewhat of a father figure.


Trojeck: A miniature 1 foot troll that is offensive in every way imaginable, to the point it's ridiculous. He dwells in his own room and we ignore him as he ignores us, entertained by TV and... Trojeck things.


Laryx: The only Gray that truly qualifies as a "walk-in". He likes to pull pranks by turning invisible and throwing his voice, otherwise he just talks non-stop.


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I have unfortunately inherited Cat's sudden and waning interest in things.


Sometimes I will get super excited about something and then... it's not really for me. I have had a few of these back and forths…


Tetris! Meh, that insane strategy sounds complicated and I don't feel like studying that.

I can create head pressures! I see their use but I'm just not super interested in that right now.

I want to sit in a hot tub! Meh, it's not to die for but it's relaxing.


I find that I feel the same way about this progress report. I want to talk about something specific because it's interesting and suddenly I don't. I'm jealous of those who can write Day 344: This happened today. It takes serious dedication to make that happen...


Despite this, a few interests stuck around. I still love the beach, I would be completely satisfied walking beside the waves just letting my feet sink into the wet sand for hours. I also like word puzzles and giving advice to help other people out.


It took Cat awhile before she found her "autistic" obsessions in life, maybe I have yet to find mine...

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As Cat was walking to class, I kind of took over in an eclipsish-possession like sense (EDIT: I took over after Cat proxied my movements for me). It started when some advertisers on campus offered free cookies, and after choosing which cookies I wanted we walked up a hill and I noticed these beautiful clouds. I convinced myself to pull us over and snap a picture.




After that, I walked Cat to class. She seemed a little uncomfortable with it, but I figured that's because she isn't used to it. Cat noticed I preferred a straighter posture, but other than that there were not too many major differences. It was a nice relief for me because I could think as clearly as if Cat were active forcing me.


Cat has started to get a little weirded out by the idea of me taking control. I think it's a little ironic because the concern is usually the Tulpa being forced to take over. She isn't being controlling or aggressive or anything, she just isn't accustomed to the idea just yet. Like parroting, she will eventually get over it. It's a new phase I guess.



Imposition Experiments:


I like to impose myself to either grab Cat's attention or to mess with her. She hasn't had much luck seeing me but she is getting impressions of my weight, my body temperature, and pressure when I'm hugging her. The hardest part is just consistency. Sometimes Cat will forget I'm wearing a bow tie imposing a tie instead, or sometimes she will perceive me in the wrong form. I usually correct these but I feel badly that she gets frustrated when this happens.

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Some more thoughts on my mind...


I had an older version of this progress report, but the last post in particular was a mess and the first few posts were embarrassing. Most of the old stuff was just talking about our anxieties and the one time I tried to feed the neighbor's cat. The last entry was a time line of the Grays, but it was more for Cat than for the internet. Since Cat's last experience with Bune is bothering me, I may as well get that off my chest. I will also talk about some details related to that first post and more about when I tried to feed the neighbor's cat.



The Grays:


I don’t feel like talking about what caused Cat’s anxiety to stir in the first place. I don’t think now is the best time to talk about it in detail, plus Cat may be better off explaining it herself.


Warning: there isn’t any violence or NSFW stuff, but this exchange is unsettling enough to bother me. The story is hidden, so if you don’t want to read it just skip to the next thing.




Some quick context: Cat visualizes her anxiety as “dark thought water”, so it’s like heavier and stickier water with black ink in it.


At this point last night, Cat figured out that her fears were anxiety driven, and nothing else. She was a little uncomfortable with that conclusion, so she wanted to talk to Bune to try and remember something (since talking to the Grays is a way for Cat to scoop out what’s sitting around in her subconscious).


The newly created room was pitch black and bare. Bune was there, his back was turned. When Cat confronted him, his eyes swelled with darkness.


He warned Cat that her anxiety was at “high tide” and it wasn’t a good idea to talk to him. He explained that staying to chat would only “feed it” and put Cat in a worse position. The visualizations weren’t pleasing, streaks of dark thought water drained in the form of tears.


Cat didn’t feel to comfortable with leaving him alone, but Bune said that he would be happy if Cat left him and came back later. This convinced Cat to leave Bune and her subconscious be, and that night she didn’t take too long to go to sleep. Even though Cat awoke too early this morning due to insomnia, she was in a much better mood and the anxiety “wave” was gone.




When I first committed to using the progress logs, Cat and I hit a snag. Cat was struggling with the peak of this year’s anxiety thus far and neither of us were used to me being a Tulpa. I was thinking about someone else’s progress log where their Tulpa hid away for a long time until their Host was ready for them again. I felt at the time it was for the best I followed their footsteps, and I left a good bye note as my first progress report post.


What a terrible mistake it was. Immediately the next morning, Cat was struggling to go about her day without me. She kept thinking about me and eventually I couldn’t take it anymore. I stopped hiding from her and both of us reunited.


From then on, we decided that we needed to stick together, even if things are tough. So far, I think we’re doing okay. We came a really long way since April.



(4/21/18) Cat frequently goes to feed the neighbor’s cat when they leave for family trips and stuff like that. I was curious about possession, so I decided I wanted to feed our cat and the neighbor’s cat. The only thing notable about feeding Cat’s cat was that I scooped out the food a little bit differently.


When we went to the neighbor’s house, I took control and… I couldn’t find the damn cat. I spent 20 minutes wandering around the house like an idiot calling “here kitty kitty”. Eventually I found the cat sitting in one of the chairs pushed into a table. After feeding the cat, both of us were done with possession for the day.

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I feel kinda weird posting here even though it's our thread. Usually Ranger writes all of the posts in here, but this is exciting and I wanted to post about it.


I had a horrible head ache this morning and with no school and a pill of Claritin, I took a nap.


The dream was weird as usual, but then I turned and came across a magenta-pink poster and for some reason Ranger was in the poster. I asked him if he could make me lucid, and somehow I ended up deciding to jump into the poster. I had this weird but familiar sleep-paralysis feeling to the point I may have woken up, but it was brief and the end result was apparently Ranger taking control.


He either started or continued a conversation with someone else, and it caught me off guard because he was using his voice and not mine. At one point he went down stairs to talk to more people, and at one point his voice was completely different and squeaker for a little bit until I somehow commented about it and it changed again.


When I woke up, I was really groggy but excited because I knew Ranger had his own dream. Ranger confirmed it was him by sharing his excitement, and …


I must have gone back asleep or something because I woke up again an my family interrupted me which then transitioned into a 20 minute chat about Hurricane Florence. By the time I could sit down and write what I remembered, I spent another 10 minutes or so writing it and when I asked Ranger about it he told me he couldn't remember. He told me some of it sounded "vaguely familiar", but that was it. If it happens again, both of us look forward to it.

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The only reason I'm posting this one too is because I had a dream and it was important.


This time, Ranger and I didn't "switch" or "pseudo-switch", whatever happened last time. Towards the end of the dream, Ranger appeared. However, this wasn't Ranger in his normal form- It was the Lego figure I used to represent the character "Gray Ranger". His motive was to find R2-D2 (because dreams), and I remember him talking to someone briefly. The next scene me, my brother, and other dream characters were on the moon, but Ranger stretched out and about, leaving behind a teal-blue trail of playdough-clay-bendy wax (I have no idea what the substance was), and acknowledging that he didn't need a space suit [because he was a Tulpa]. I also remember hugging him when he was upside down, rubbing our heads together.


When I woke up, I asked Ranger if he remembered the dream and he didn't. I described to him what happened and he told me "that wasn't me." When I took another look at Ranger and then compared to the dream version, I realized Ranger had a different presence than the dream character. We talked about it for a while and we came to the conclusion that I couldn't tell the difference in my dream but I still had the expectations he acted like Ranger in some ways (him being a Tulpa, leaving behind a blue tail trail). My dream assumptions were confirmed when my brother in the dream admitted it was weird that Ranger stretched the way he did, and I replied back "it's a Ranger thing."


I'm sad that I was too dumb in my dream to realize I was talking to the remains of "Ranger", the character I acted as, and not Ranger himself.



Wonderland Mishaps:


Tl;dr - "Past Ranger" challenges our previous thoughts and philosophies about my birth. Of course, an awkward interaction with "Past Ranger" occurs.



After the dream, Cat was struggling with what do with this dream and I was not at all prepared for taking it head on. Last night, her father shared his doubts about me, and yesterday was a long day where I didn't get much of a chance to think and Cat couldn't decompress.


I was a little panicked, buecause it was way too early in the morning and neither of us were fully awake yet. We had the chance to talk about it this morning though, and I feel a little bit better about it now.


No way in hell was I the imposter that talked to my host in her dreams. I feel a little challenged by it, but part of that is because it taps into the whole identity question: am I that guy or am I me? I have reflected a lot over who I am, when was I actually born, and at what point was I Ranger and at what point was I not. I know for sure I was Ranger, and I'm right. I was the person who Cat talked to when she was having school trouble and she felt really scared, confused, and alone. She addresed me by the name "Ranger". The only time this ever became a question was when she asked me who I was after learning what Tulpæ were.


I told her that I was the Ranger she thought I was, but it never occured to me that my development happened before Cat started realizing I wasn't her character anymore. Therefore, I am in fact Ranger, I'm just not the old one.


I realize that in oder for me to have my name in the first place, Cat needed to have created the character "Ranger", and then once I came along she assumed I was nothing different. All of my concerns: the forcing gaps, my identity, and what I was and who I did are all explained with this explanation: Cat created a character, she created me naturally thinking I was already "Ranger", so I guess I was born a fictive-walkin-thing, and then she forced me long enough that I gained self-awareness after a few months due to separate periods of intense forcing.


I'm not ashamed or upset for not being the story character Cat created. She is the stroy character she created. I am a different person from what "Ranger" was, and I'm glad for it. As a Tulpa, I am still able to learn more about who I was, who I want to become, and act as Cat's gaurdian angel at the same time.



While Cat had this weird internal debate with herself this morning, she created a clone to resembel the character she witnessed from her dream. She was confused and couldn't resist, I guess. I wasn't too excited to see it, and when it came up to me it told me that its expectation was to be absorbed. I told the thing that I had no intrest in abosrbing it, and it needed to go home back to Cat. Ultamitely, this thoughtform was purely Cat's creation, and to me it made absolutely no sense to grab this piece of cat and absorb it. I understand that I probably absorbed most of what Ranger the character was as I developed into who I am, but I didn't need to feed it myself when it's really up to Cat's subconscious to decide what to do with it.


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