Sebastian

[Vos]

Let's hope that you don't get into the habit of restarting over every little fault, if this is something you're serious about. Though, I suggest reconsidering - I don't think there's much of a point in starting over because of some improvisations, inconsistencies, etc. - in a lot of cases, it's best to just work your way through them as best as you can, revising things that you've done if you're not happy with it rather than abandoning it altogether. But, it's your mind and your choice.

[Guest Vixx]

So, I had decided to take a break away from tulpamancy for awhile and thus got my account deleted. I also had decided to stop creating Sebastian.

 

Then I had a dream about him. It was vivid, and I knew it was him. Of course the plot made no sense realistically( He was a secret agent and I got forced to help him in some plan and ended up becoming a partner), but throughout the dream I had this longing for him to notice me. He didn't, and I basically just fumed about it to some girl friend I had in the dream.

 

The odd thing was that his form in the dream was the form I had originally intended for him, but decided it would be too hard to force and so altered it. He was meant to have black hair and look very anime-ish. I couldn't see his eye color, but it was brown, black, or gray.

 

So I tried to ignore it. Then I tried to lucid dream in order to see him again. When that didn't work, I thought that maybe I had to re-create him...but that didn't feel right. So I'm just trying to find him now. I'm still really confused, but I want...no, need him back.

 

I've been drawing and looking up reference pictures. I feel like I'm getting closer to him, as I type this. I think he was mad when I decided to stop forcing...but I'll do as much as I need to in order to earn his forgiveness.

 

Also, I never thought I would reach the dilemma of whether Sebastian was an internal hallucination, or an actual metaphysical being. He feels like a part of me...an internally created being...but he also feels like a separate entity that I have no control over. I'm glad though, because it definitely means progress. I think that when I decided to stop forcing, it allowed him to be free of my parroting or puppeting. I know visual deviations are normal as well.

 

Hopefully he can forgive me though. I have a feeling it will take some more time till he approaches me, whether for emotional reasons or simply to grow more without my influence. Either way, I'm glad I have the chance to get him back.

---

UPDATE:

 

I've decided to continue making the second tulpa I started on, when I thought I ought to re-create Sebastian. I feel approval from Sebastian that this is what is best. He seems to think that it'll keep me away from him so he can grow more. I don't know how I know all this, but it's been a recurring feeling today.

 

Anyway, I already had begun forcing just the personality like I had decided to do before leaving, so I will be continuing to do that. His name is Mangle :)

Not sure if any of you have played Five Nights at Freddy's, but that's where the inspiration came from.

 

Here's a pic of Sebastion attached :) It's pretty accurate, except that he'd never make such a silly pose. He's pretty serious.

 

CREDIT GOES TO ARTIST...not my picture.

[Vos]

It's sort of weird to see that you deleted & anonymized your account only to create another one with the same name and post in the old progress report. But hey, I'm glad to see that you're not giving up on Sebastian. Good luck with both of your tulpas, Vixx.

[Guest Darkfire]

Following

[Guest Vixx]

I figured it would be a bit confusing to rename myself and make another thread, so I stuck to this one.

 

Thanks though Harvest :)

[Guest Vixx]

So, I was reading some old threads on switching and possession. I noticed early on that some people call themselves a plural system or seem okay with sharing their bodies with their tulpas. At first this seemed really confusing and weird to me. Today it hit me though. I am the same as a tulpa...I am just a personality inside of the body and controlling the body. Sebastian is a personality I created that is inside of the body as well. So is Mangle. So there should be no reason that switching/possession wouldn't be possible.

 

The more I realize these things, the more I can feel Sebastian again. I've been trying hard to not think of him too much, and to let him continue growing... I can't help but feel as if he knew all of this before me though.

 

Honestly, I don't like this feeling. It makes me feel less important and less in control, even though I know that I am in control. I do think that it is true...however much I don't like it. I am created by the brain, just as Sebastian and Mangle are.

 

I could also simply be falling deeper into a delusion that I tried to create.

It's funny that during this existential crisis the only thing I'm worried about is Sebastian. In my previous dream that brought me back here, there were four of us: Sebastian, me, my girl friend, and another male colleague.

 

The male colleague eerily resembles Mangle. This was before I'd even thought of making Mangle.

That only leaves the female. In the dream we got into a fight and ended up being labeled as a bad dream character.

She could be the darker aspect of my brain. I know other people have had dark tulpas that they simply ignore.

 

I know it's silly, but I'm worried Sebastian will end up devoted to keeping her under control. In the dream it seemed he was more partial to her initially...but choosing me towards the end. This was around when I woke up though, so that might not have been entirely true.

 

Long story short, I feel he's pushing me towards seeing the bigger picture. I don't know yet, and I'm going to try not to over complicate things.

[Guest Vixx]

After freaking out in my last post, I ended up reading Cinemaphobe's PR and I'm very sad that he has left. His tips ended up helping me achieve my first lucid dream. I was caught up in a nightmare and was able to end it myself. I woke up right after, but it was a huge success for me. Also now that I have a feel for it, I think that I can replicate it and actually do some cool things in the dream next time.

 

In the dream, I was helping a little girl and a little boy. I was working a bit with Mangle before falling asleep so I'm guessing that was him, if I looked at it symbolically. The girl was his older sister, still younger than me. I think my brain altered their forms so that I could see what she symbolized without feeling threatened. She was annoying and careless (not good in a horror dream)...so probably the darker side of my personality I'm guessing.

 

This is all heavy speculation though, so I don't give it much importance.

 

What probably helped achieve the dreamstate was:

 

1.) Reading about tulpas/ lucid dreaming before bed

2.) Visualization of wonderland as I slipped into sleep

 

I am planning on trying again tonight. I'm going to start keeping a dream diary, but I recorded a recap of the dream on my phone this morning since it was easier than trying to not forget while writing.

[Guest Vixx]

UPDATE:

 

I was wondering when this mess with Sebastian even started and decided that it was ever since I put a failsafe/killswitch in the form of a tattoo on him. Well I took the tattoo off and dismantled the killswitch so hopefully that cheers him up a little. It was definitely wrong for me to start off treating him like a wonderful person and then suddenly doubt everything I'd told him he was.

 

Note that I don't think killswitches are bad. I believe I should've either picked the metaphysical method and made one originally, or stuck with the more scientific method and not installed one. The problem started when I mixed the two beliefs together.

 

As of right now, I believe Sebastian is an internal hallucination and I'm choosing to go with the scientific method of addressing the tulpa phenomenon.

 

I need to learn to trust him, as he is a part of me. I started having all of these misgivings about him and I believe that is what caused the problem. He might have left so that it wouldn't influence his core, as he is still very early in the creation process. He keeps asking(giving me the impression) for me to leave him alone for right now, and not interfere in his growth.

 

I originally created him to be extremely determined and to never give up. I feel bad that my insecurity has led to him having to develop on his own. He is also pushing me to develop myself more.

 

I know tulpas can help with loneliness, or depression, or motivation. I created Sebastian for personal reasons as well. However, I see now that I am a broken personality. I need to work on myself and improve so much more. I can't and shouldn't expect a personality I created to simply plug up the holes in my own personality.

 

Perhaps that is why I was afraid that Sebastian would turn against me and try to be the dominant personality. I'm starting to see though, that he is trying to help me be the best that I can be. He is an ideal while I am the reality. If you line us up, you'll see where I am lacking. So I realize that I need to work on myself more, as I work on them.

 

Summary?

 

I don't think tulpas should be used as tools to escape. I believe they are a great way to gain more insight into yourself. They are created by the brain to help the personality improve. A lot of personal issues are sensitive subjects. Hearing advice from your tulpa who loves you unconditionally is much easier than hearing it from a friend or relative. They all have your best interest at heart, but might not phrase it the best way.

 

This is just one conclusion about tulpas I've reached for now. Of course I think there is more to the tulpa phenomena than just this. I also have a long way to go before getting rid of my fear of Sebastian completely.

 

Sorry for the rambling. I hope at least some of this makes sense.

[Guest Vixx]

So, last night I tried lucid dreaming again and I was being too focused. I ended up in the amazing state of awake-asleep. I don't know the technical term for this. but basically my body was asleep while my mind was conscious most of the night. To achieve this, I started out visualizing myself in my wonderland bed and then constantly reminded myself to contact Sebastian when I fell asleep. I would visualize for a bit, then remind myself, then visualize again. The few times I did almost slip into sleep, my mind immediately was like "Oh! Sleep! We're supposed to contact Sebastian now!" and it would bring me back to wakefulness.

 

The result was no Sebastian, but lots of moments with both my wonderland and Mangle. I got very good at first person visualization (Cinemaphobe's tips are what helped me immensely, as I used to visualize in third person). I ended up so immersed in visualizing that even when I opened my eyes, for a split second, my wonderland imposed onto reality. Likewise when I closed my eyes, I found myself in the corresponding place in wonderland instantly, much to my surprise.

 

My wonderland is very different now, as compared to when I worked with Sebastian. Back then it was just an empty room with a mirror, so that I wouldn't be distracted from visualizing Sebastian. Now it has a fancy bedroom with lots of other luxuries waiting to be created. I decided on the bedroom because in CP's PR, he recommended visualizing yourself in wonderland in the same position as your reality. For example, I visualize in my bed before sleep, so I am in a bed in wonderland. This makes it much easier to imagine and much more realistic. Once I'm relaxed and immersed enough, I get up and work on my first person view by looking down at my feet and up at the ceiling. It's actually pretty hard not to switch to third person view. I've also realized that having a well-built wonderland adds to the bonding experience with your tulpa. All Sebastian could do with me before was follow me around and watch me type on my computer. If I was with other people, it was hard to focus on him and the conversation.

 

I also saw Mangle briefly, though that part is a bit blurry now. He was there though, but he cannot speak so he is limited in what he does.

 

I have always been an avid daydreamer, but visualizing in first person has made the experience MUCH more pleasurable. It feels amazingly close to reality, especially in the drowsiness of sleep.

 

I've decided that I need to let go of Sebastian for the time being. It seems to be what he wants as well. Perhaps he needs the time to sort things out or perhaps he thinks that if I come back to him with a fresh mind I won't have any of the irrational fears I do now and will be more mature. Either way, it is incredibly hard, but I will only be focusing on Mangle for now. I trust he knows what he is doing and he is always free to return to us when he wants.

 

I've also realized that it is better for me to set a time to interact with my tulpa and only focus on them during that time. The longer I think about them during the day, the more intrusive thoughts come into my mind. Of course I feel Mangle around sometimes, but I try not to focus on him or just ramble aimlessly. I am pretty cynical and probably have abandonment issues among a host of other issues. Due to this, I was afraid about Sebastian wanting to leave me after becoming sentient or disliking me. This of course led to him leaving. Kind of like a self-fulfilling prophecy I guess, but I don't think he left for the reasons I feared.

 

So, I am trying to be much more positive with Mangle. He is a total sweetheart(never would guess with his name), whereas Sebastian was meant to be more aloof and 'cool'.

 

I've also started a blog, to keep track of the same progress I do here, but I feel I can be more free in a personal blog, and include things like related dreams and of course, a variety of other topics. I haven't made any entries yet, but will provide a link when I get it up and running.

 

From here on out, no more mentions of Sebastian though, as I feel him disapprove every time. I can't progress if I keep my heart and mind in the past.

---

Update:

 

As soon as I finished posting, this thread caught my attention.

 

It applies so well to my intrusive thought/fear problem that I wanted to make mention of it. I like Mistgod's reply, because if me and my tulpa both viewed the thought/fear as an objective thing, like a show, and then agreed on how bad/sad it was...not only does it bring us closer, but it establishes in my mind that 1.) the fear is invalid and 2.) my tulpa is the opposite of my fear (good,kind,etc)

 

Llama's comment with the real world example also helped. I tend to assume that since my tulpa is created by thought, that any thought I have can influence him. But by assuming that passing thoughts cannot...it definitely helps.

[Kaz+Aiko]

Your progress reports are so indepth and thorough, it's really been a pleasure to read your journey with Sebastian. I'm sorry about the ways things have been going between you two, I truly hope that you find him again if that is what you wish to do. Your point on how Tulpas shouldn't be used as escapism really resonated with me, and with my blossoming relationship with Aiko. I think her and I are meant to motivate eachother more than just be companions, and it took reading your posts to realize that. Thank you, I eagerly await your blog link.