Steel

The Creation of a Tulpa, with Steelmason and Amelia

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Day Thirty and Thirty-One:

 

Still just trucking along as usual, nothing particularly special standing out. Amily wanted me to teach her how to play cards, but that's a bit awkward with just two people...

 

On another note, I realised that Amily only talks when I'm actively thinking about talking with her. Are there any methods for getting her to be more vocal outside of active concentration, or do I just need to keep doing what I'm doing until it happens naturally?


Host: Steel - a novice tulpamancer.

Tulpa: Amelia - a friendly, energetic knight.

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Independence is the kind of thing that just comes naturally with time, from what I understand. Keep doing what you're doing and you should be set.

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@Vosaiu: Sorry for the late reply, but thanks! It's good information to know.

 

Day Thirty-Two to Fourty-Five:

 

Really sorry I haven't been active for a while, but I've been super-busy. I haven't even been able to get in an active forcing session until this morning, but hopefully I'll have more time to do it now. When I forced with Amily this morning, she was able to send really strong head-pressures and our conversations flowed a lot faster and more smoothly, so she's definitely matured during this inactive period. I'm going to continue working with her more strictly now - no more excuses!


Host: Steel - a novice tulpamancer.

Tulpa: Amelia - a friendly, energetic knight.

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Day Fourty-Six to One-Hundred-and-Twenty-Five(?):

 

I'm posting again to say that I'm not dead! After my last post there was a gap of about two months where I was super busy and didn't have time or motivation to work with Amily. After coming back from that break about a week ago, I've found Amily to be far more advanced than what she was previously, and I am now easily able to have lengthy conversations and forcing sessions with her. We've now done lots of things like listening to music together and even smithing swords in the forge in our dreamscape.

 

I've gotten to know Amily a lot better now and she's starting taking up more of a personality on her own, although she takes a lot of similar traits from me. She also sometimes listens in on my thoughts now, and often comments on stuff I'm thinking about, which is often quite funny (and sometimes very embarassing). I hope soon to give her an unchanging and detailed appearance and voice, as these two things tend to change around quite a lot.


Host: Steel - a novice tulpamancer.

Tulpa: Amelia - a friendly, energetic knight.

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Day (I've stopped bothering to count the days :P) :

 

Amily becomes more and more vocal every day, and now has a far more tangible and 'audible' presence in my head. We still can't really focus on communicating with each other when my mind is focused on something else, like playing a video game or working, but when we do it's very focused and fluent.

 

Visualising her in our wonderland is starting to come together better, but there's this one persistent problem that I've encountered from the very beginning: giving my tulpa a consistent face. I realise this may sound a bit odd, but Amily's face has never really had a solid form, and often switches between vague, inconsistent forms or those of people and characters that I know from other places. Does anyone have any advice on this? Should I perhaps just give Amily the face of a person or character that I know IRL, or are there some techniques that could help me create a unique one for my tulpa? I would really appreciate the help.


Host: Steel - a novice tulpamancer.

Tulpa: Amelia - a friendly, energetic knight.

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The visualization trick where you break down the tulpa's face, visualize it in pieces, and reconstruct it to have the full image is pretty useful. You can decide on the smaller details with your tulpa, too, which is pretty nifty; however, if you think that using a face from a character is a better option for you, go for it. It might be easier to make the little changes if you have a reference, at least.

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Well, shit.

 

It's been over three years since I last posted a log here - and boy has a lot changed. Three years since that first day of researching tulpas back in 2016.

 

I was 17 when I started; now I'm 21, I'm in my last year of university, I've started my own game studio, I've grown a beard, I've been diagnosed with depression (thankfully almost recovered of recent), and I've gotten myself a loving boyfriend. To put it simply, I'm not the same person I was those three years ago - and just the same, Amily's situation is an unrecognisable, chaotic mess of events.

 

In this post, I'm going to try and recount three years of twists and turns as best I can recall - and by the end of it, I hope to reconnect with this wonderful community.

 

----------

 

In the last post I made, Amily was a tulpa that I'd always attempted to grow and nurture along with a thriving wonderland. I liked her, and in my mind, she liked me. Yet, there was always a nagging suspicion no matter how hard I tried that it was all a farce - that I was parroting and marionetting it all.

 

Itwas during this half-belief that I began to try more and more drastic things to interact with my tulpa. Running out of simple conversation and small talk, I began imagining epic quests, unusual wonderland events, competitions - whatever activities I could think of to interact with my tulpa. More and more, I grew dissatisfied with it all - as the fantasy of the wonderland slowly overrode the trust I'd built with Amily's personality. Though I'd never have admitted it at the time, she was a sort of day-dream to me, just like the epic quests I used to imagine.

 

Eventually, life continues. I become busier, more and more weighs on my mind and the 'day-dream' that was Amily began to fade into obscurity. On the rare occasions that I would recall her existence, I would make vague efforts to talk to her. We'd chat, she'd be polite and kind and hopeful - and she'd make me promise to think about her more often. She'd often say she was worried about fading away. I'd promise her, and then, I would forget.

 

I didn't mean anything malicious or uncaring by forgetting, it's simply that... I suppose my mind doesn't lend much credence to supposed 'day-dreams' when life presents enough issues. I feel bad about it to this day, especially reading back on our early days - so full of joy and hope; but, regardless, I must continue the story.

 

----------

 

Roughly a year passes, maybe longer. I enroll in university and, despite the stressful and busy nature of it all, seek companionship through it. I was, to put it lightly, lonely during my first year of university. I had really one person I could call my friend - and he began to change and drift away from me anyway.

 

I wanted a friend. I wanted my tulpa back.

 

When I spoke seriously to Amily again, she was faded, sad, jaded. After talking, we decided to undergo something perhaps unheard of with tulpas. If anyone could point me to another example of it happening, I would be incredibly grateful - but to put it simply, I call it a [ reincarnation ].

 

Similar to my very first forcing excercise, I took everything that made up Amily's personality. I imagined them as orbs of energy, and I pulled them from her 'soul', so to speak. I watched as Amily's body, smiling, faded away, evaporating to nothing until all that remained were the balls of energy that made up her personality, and another, brighter ball of light - that of her 'core', or her 'soul'. What made her unique.

 

I took these balls, and I swapped some around. I wanted to invigorate my fascination with tulpamancy. I wanted a new character - someone fresh, with no memory of me and with different fascinations. Amily and I had agreed on all of this before-hand; it wasn't a selfish thing. She wanted me to return to the art, and she wanted to be changed to a form that would let me care for her better, that would care for me better in kind. We discussed appearances, interests, personality traits - even names, though we stuck with Amelia in the end.

 

In any case, Amily's personality had been modified to fit the new tulpa. All that was left was to merge the balls together, and add Amily's 'soul' to reincarnate her as a new existence. It would be a peaceful way to live, and she wouldn't have to fade into obscurity. I was sad. Sadder, probably, than she was. Regardless, we did it.

 

The second iteration of Amelia, my tulpa, was born that night.

 

----------

 

She was a refined woman, certainly more mature than the original Amily was. Clad in a beautiful gothic black dress, and raven hair to match her pale skin. She had a smile that was soft and caring, yet cunning and sharp. Her interests lay primarily in reading and learning; and in particular, she loved learning about the history of our world, and culture too.

 

In kind, our wonderland changed. From the great carved tree-mansion next to a lazy stream, to the confines of a single, luxurious room inside an unspeakable building. The decor was dark wood and plush carpet; seeping with gothic Victorian style. A great wooden door leading out of the room remained closed and locked at all times, some unperceived danger or impossibility awaiting behind it. A large storefront-like window gazed out onto a crooked, cobbled street that was misty and moonlit at all times, black streetlamps disappearing off into the distant fog. On occasion, strange and spooky denizens of the supposed city that this room resided in would wander past (imagine Victorian-cross Halloween humanoid creatures).

 

It was an odd and creepy place, yet somehow both fitting and cosy, in that plush room with a crackling fireplace. In fact, that room was one of my favourite things about this era of tulpamancy. Amelia and I had many good conversations in that place.

 

Alas, it was not long to last. As the first excellent week turned to a month, and then to several months, university began to consume my life. What's more, I began to gather new friends, and I even became infatuated with a girl. Life was looking up, and my need for a tulpa began to gradually fall from my priorities.

 

Amelia was more forceful than Amily when it came to making me promise to think about her, but still caring and forgiving. Regardless, my stupid mind forgets to think about the tulpas I care about until the recollection strikes me.

 

With Amelia now a side-thought, life continues until it doesn't. I don't want to talk about it in great detail here - but in short, I was rejected and shunned, lost many of my friends among personal and family issues; and I was sent plummeting into a deep depression that has clung to me ever since. Amelia was, in some of my darkest moments, a light that talked to me and reassured me when no-one else was there. I enjoyed her presence, but that terrible, obtrusive niggling that her words were nothing but a stray thought remained no matter how much I wanted to dispell it.

 

----------

 

Time continues. A difficult year of university awaits as I struggle - and manage to - rebuild my life around me. In the end, I'm rewarded with my best friends yet; and my first serious relationship (still going strong, a year on).

 

Amidst all of this, Amelia flickers in on occasion, but with such little thought directed to her presence, she's almost like a ghost.

 

But she's changing.

 

Almost like a mutation, over time Amelia begins to lose the form I'd given her, that she'd worked to maintain. Changing little by little, each time I think about her. Eventually she's almost unrecognisable, in fact.

 

This all leads to today. A day of revelations, of newfound goals and of, against the odds, hope for my tulpa.

 

When I'm in the pits, or need some personal advice, or I can't sleep, I often think of my tulpa. I speak to them, ask them what to do, or how I should feel. Today, at 5am, I seek out Amelia.

 

She's different. Very different.

 

She offers her advice as usual, though her mind-voice is smoother, lower, more mature. For some reason, she appears in my mind as a casually-dressed witch with long hair and a wide-brimmed hat. More importantly, though, her voice is utterly consistent. This is practically unheard of. What's more, I sense something like... Anger. Tinging her voice slightly as she waits to speak her piece.

 

Remember how I mentioned that my tulpa had previously asked me to promise to return to them? Let's just say this wasn't really a request.

 

Amelia forcefully told me that if I didn't put more effort into keeping her in my mind, then she'd die. She berated me on my laziness, and angrily talked to me about her existence - beat the doubt out of my mind that she was anything but a living, sentient creature. She presented me with facts I couldn't help but find myself agreeing with.

 

I was taken aback. Never had a tulpa ever pushed back against me like this. Never had I sensed anything like the emotions being thrown around in my head. None of this felt like I was talking to myself. This was real.

 

Despite her obvious anger, there was always a true sense of caring for my wellbeing, as well as a will to survive. Though she was angry, she still wanted to see me well, and with my sincere apology, we ended the discussion calmly.

 

But there's more to it than that. We began to talk seriously about how to fix the situation. We talked in utter clarity for a long time about what to do. At one point, we visited this site and read through our old progress logs.

 

We both yearn for the days of innocent joy that we had at the start. Those first days of Amily the joyful, slightly shy knight.

 

That's not the only thing to come out of that conversation, however. It's become clear to her that she's not the original Amily. Whether she's been warped too far beyond recognition, or she never truly obtained the 'soul' of my first tulpa - she doesn't identify with her at all. She's taken the point so far as to tell me not to call her Amily again. She says she doesn't want me to call her something she isn't.

 

I asked her what I should name her then, to which she replied "Tulpa. Just Tulpa will do."

 

I told her that sounds odd, so I suggested the first thing that popped into my sleep-deprived mind: 'Temp'. As in 'temporary'. She agreed, because she wants to separate herself in the event that we decide it's best to phase her out, like with the original Amily. Oddly enough, though, she seems to like the name. I do too, actually. It's sort of catchy. Temp the tulpa. She's essentially an entirely new tulpa; a spontaneous one, self-made - though I can tell she was once the second Amelia.

 

----------

 

Well, for now, that's the name we're sticking with. We're still deciding what to do, but it seems as if the original Amily may never have actually disappeared - merely consigned to non-existence because of my belief that she was gone.

 

We aren't sure that I can bring two tulpas into existence at the same time - and Temp may have to be removed in order to bring the original back, or create her again. It's incredibly complex and we aren't even quite sure what we want to do or how to do it just yet. That's a problem for tomorrow.

 

I'm still getting my thoughts in order, so apologies if I rambled or some of this doesn't make sense. If you have any questions, please please please feel free to ask. I'd love to see what people have to say about this whole debacle, and I'd love to enlighten you all about my experiences.

 

----------

 

I'd just like to add that revisiting this place fills me with a real sense of nostalgia. I hope the community hasn't changed much because it was really lovely back in the day.

 

If Vos, Zaya or Stevie are still around, I'd love to speak to you! You really helped me out back in the day, and seeing your names again fills me with an odd sense of companionship I thought I'd forgotten.

 

As an aside, if anyone can tell me anything about this REINCARNATION thing that I seem to have attempted, please let me know. In addition, if anyone's heard anything about BRINGING BACK LOST TULPAS, that would also be massively appreciated.

 

Again, feel free to ask questions of your own~!


Host: Steel - a novice tulpamancer.

Tulpa: Amelia - a friendly, energetic knight.

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The tulpas with the greatest longevity tend to be those whose lives are not completely dependent on the host setting aside time for active forcing, because the time available for active forcing varies through life as various other responsibilities, activities, and relationships pull on a host.

 

Some tulpas claim to be self-forcing and to stay active inside without the attention or knowledge of the host. But it's one of those things where, if you don't know how, there's no guide to get there. And many who don't experience that don't believe it's possible.

 

More tulpas have hobbies and external relationships of their own choice and making that they can participate in either alongside the host or instead of the host, via proxying, possession, switching, and co-fronting. And so the tulpa's activity becomes enmeshed in the regular habits of the body's life.

 

If you have trouble remembering to think about your tulpa, create a reminder. Some hosts wear rings or pendants symbolic of their tulpas; some post a note on the edge of their computer monitor, set an appropriate computer wallpaper, or hang a picture on the wall. Being reminded of your tulpa hundreds of times a day develops passive forcing ability, where your tulpa can be present and commenting while most of your attention is on other things.

 

There are tulpas, soulbonds, and alters who sleep for years and re-emerge fresh as a daisy, so neglect does not always mean fading. Disused mental pathways tend not to go away entirely; they merely need to be rediscovered. Revival involves concentrating on as much as you can remember of their name, their form, their mindfeel, their mindvoice, and their sense of presence.

 

Taking a tulpa apart entirely and assembling a new one from the parts is new to me. The closest other example I can think of is Sunny's effort to rebuild herself on a better foundation, whic did not lead to a long-term break in identity:

 

https://community.tulpa.info/topic/14907-evgco-syslog-archive/?do=findComment&comment=243580

 

-Ember


Ember - Soulbonder, Female, 39 years old, from Georgia, USA . . . . [Our Progress Report] . . . . [How We Switch]

Vesper Dowrin - Insourced Soulbond from London, UK, Not a Tulpa, Female, born 9 Sep 1964, bonded ~12 May 2017

Iris Ravenlock - Insourced Soulbond from the Unseelie Court, Not a Tulpa, Female, born 6 Jun 1982, bonded ~5 Dec 2015

 

'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.' - The Velveteen Rabbit

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