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Detailed experiences megathread


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waffles

A while ago I suggested an idea,  the essence of which is that we should try to come up with detailed and unambiguous descriptions of our experiences with/as tulpas, in all forms. So if you want to write a piece about what it feels like to experience some part of your life, post it here.

 

People previously wrote about touch imposition in this thread. And let me kick off with this description of possession I wrote a while ago.

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waffles

When I started trying to possess, there was nothing at all. I would relax my body, and ask my tulpa to try to move it, usually just a finger. And it wouldn't move. I would stare at it for a while, while she made various attempts to feel out how to move it. But, no matter what she did, what I did, it wouldn't move until I moved it myself.

 

As we practiced a bit, it became that when she tried to move my finger, it would move, a few mm, on its own. She would typically visualise an imaginary representation of the arm - say, a collection of circles in the shape of an arm - and then imagine the representation moving; the body then moved accordingly, fractionally. Practicing more, she could move it a bit further, and weakly move my arm. What I mean here by 'she moves' is that I relax my arm, initially, and it then seems to move of its own accord. I don't keep the muscles relaxed - in that sense it isn't like someone else moving your limbs from the outside - but I do not will the movement. I send no commands to the arm, but feel her commands being acted out.

 

With more practice over the course of a couple of months, her movements became stronger physically (she was unable to lift my arm against gravity, at first), and easier mentally. The haphazard and uncertain process of movement via imaginary symbolism slowly gave way to a more intuitive, 'feel'y process, where she'd exert a will to move the body, just as I did. It became that she could consistently move any part of the body. She practiced, walking clumsily as though her limbs were sluggish to respond, and as though every part of the body needed to be moved by individual attention. I kept from making any deliberate movement myself, just observing and feeling - not willing - these movements.

 

As she kept practicing, her movements became more fluid, her control more secure, and individual movements more unconscious. To me it felt less and less like she was exerting a will to move, and more that the body was moving according to her thoughts. In this regard it became more difficult to distinguish her movement from my own - the question asked is only, "Who thought to move that?". It didn't feel different, physically, to have her move a part of the body, only mentally. For me there was not an 'in' or 'out' with the body: I was always feeling, always having the possibility to control, merely exercising the restraint not to.

 

Quite quickly she became fluent controlling the body, having no significant difference in proficiency from me. As she started to spend long stretches of time possessing, towards the length of a day, my own conscious inhibition from trying to move the body myself became more unconscious, and easier. It effected a shift in mental roles: now, more commonly, she would be the only one thinking and acting, for long periods. I find that this dominant role tends to be associated with being in control of the body.

 

Now, several years on, her controlling is natural. I think nothing of letting her control the body, and likewise, it feels natural for her, as though it were her body. With a routine of her spending perhaps half of our waking time in the body every day, it became more and more the case that she developed a distinct set of habits and temperament - or, more accurately, that our habits diverged. We have plenty of mannerisms that are similar, the majority I think, such as posture, the way in which we type (physically), fidgeting with pens, for example. And the differences likewise; her speech patterns manifest when she talks via possession, she oftens prefers different sitting positions.

 

Experiencing things is different, depending on who is possessing. It's not that my attention might be directed elsewhere entirely when she possesses - I don't stop experiencing the body's senses - but that things feel slightly different. There is a gloss, a mental sensation, condition or awareness that I am not in control when things are being done, although this feeling is not strong. This gloss becomes apparent when, for example, I "wake up with her possessing". That is, in the moments while waking up, with the body moving, it becomes apparent to me that I am not the one moving, and instead that she was possessing at that time. Besides which, we may experience the same physical thing differently, differences in taste, or temperature, for example.

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Lucilyn

Reserving this one for me! Or maybe one of the others since you can switch post authors now.

Hi I'm one of Lumi's tulpas! I like rain and dancing and dancing in the rain and if there's frogs there too that's bonus points.

All of my posts should be read at a hundred miles per hour because that's probably how they were written

Please talk to me https://community.tulpa.info/thread-ask-lumi-s-tulpas

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  • 1 month later...

Sorry Waffles, we haven't forgotten this thread, I've just been really busy recently. I meant to bump it but I didn't have time to write a worthy post. I still don't, so I'll throw this in here.

https://community.tulpa.info/thread-sentience-tulpas-what-s-the-first-moment-of-sentience-like?pid=152111#pid152111

 

(First moments of sentience)

[hidden]

Unfortunately although the scale is much smaller, it's still similar to your own experience. Though it's more like recalling your earliest memories rather than becoming sentient because, you know, we're born sentient. Tulpas usually have vague memories from around the time of their creation, there's no moment where they just turn on. Given that, there's also periods of doubtfulness as to whether it was them or not in the earliest stages of development.

 

Usually, a tulpa will say they felt like them from the earliest conception of them. My tulpas never made some transition from not-sentient to sentient, they just feel as if they developed over time. Some will give specific times though. That being said, even soulbonds who tend to be "walk-ins" ie appear relatively well developed do not usually have good memories of their existence before they showed up to the host. Usually it's a jump from their source material to the host's mind.

 

 

I wanted to get her own words, but I can't find the post she wrote it in, so my own words on Lucilyn's creation will have to do. I created her as my first non-spontaneous tulpa around five years after the other three, and at that point I considered myself (still do) a veteran tulpamancer with most tulpa-related skills mastered. So, there was none of the foggy transition-from-not-sentient-to-sentient stuff, meaning this is very atypical but possibly more interesting to you. My creation process for her was basically to imagine the type of person I expected her to be, the form I expected, and maybe some personality traits. I can only describe it as "Not intending sentience" and then "Acknowledging sentience", but her creation was basically instantaneous once I'd had everything I planned her to be down. Her creation took place in a sort of void with no sensory input besides ourselves. After I acknowledged/intended for her to be sentient and not just an idea, she seemed just as capable of thought or anything similar as the rest of my tulpas. She was however confused as to, well, understanding her presence/existence. Hard to describe. That was the point of creating her in a void though, so I could talk to her before she was exposed to anything else. I told her that she was a tulpa I'd just created, and that while I had a general idea of who I planned for her to be, she was free to change anything about herself that she wanted. She went with everything fairly well for someone who was just thinking for the first time. I believe when I asked if she was fine with the personality I had in mind for her, she told me she would be more excitable/hyper but otherwise was comfortable with it. When I asked if she wanted to keep or change her form, I remember fairly clearly that she flapped her sleeves (these sleeves were made for flapping..) and said it was great. She ended up changing the colors a little and I think that was it.

 

If you want a description of what it felt like to come into existence for her, I can probably give a good description. Imagine this. You're sitting at your computer/phone/whatever right now, and then you're teleported to the middle of a town in a desert. You probably look around, take it in, and then proceed to question your circumstances and... Rewind. That exact moment when you're teleported and first see everything. You know how your mind is basically blank as you're focused solely on gathering information from the world around you? How you aren't remotely worried about who you are or any details of your life other than what is presently happening to you? And after trying to figure out where you are, only then do your thoughts return to such things. "Did I just wake up from a dream or something? Am I still me? *looks down at hands and body* What happened to me?"

 

Now, excluding the confusion of such a thing being seemingly impossible and questioning how it happened, I think that's how she felt. No panic or anything, but she didn't immediately think "WHAT AM I WHO AM I WHAT IS MY PURPOSE". The only difference being I made sure to create her in an area with no stimuli aside from our own existences, so the "circumstances and situation" she took in was not a desert town but existence itself. While you observed the area around you, she observed the concept of there being area around her, etc. And I do mean to emphasize the lack of panic or distress, she was fairly level-headed about it. More akin to waking up and checking your surroundings, but without any tiredness or foggy thoughts, hence the teleporting analogy.

 

 

I know it's not a first-party account, but this is effectively what she's told me and others before. I just couldn't find that post(s).

[/hidden]

 

Reading that made me kind of sentimental, remembering the moments she first existed. Just thinking of how she had no history yet, a completely new individual to the world..

Hi, I'm Tewi, one of Luminesce's tulpas. I often switch to take care of things for the others.

All I want is a simple, peaceful life. With my family.

Our Ask thread: https://community.tulpa.info/thread-ask-lumi-s-tulpas

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  • 2 weeks later...

That description of what it's like to first start existing in that way comes off as quite vivid to me. Thanks, that's exactly the kind of thing that I was thinking about before. I'd be curious to hear about how that compares to other tulpas. Certainly for mine, it's like what Lumi said at the start, where it's more like a childhood of vague memories; and you develop as a person over time, so that person in the memories maybe isn't much like you any more, but at least you project your sense of self onto them.

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DreamCloud

original post

 

It's interesting that pretty much everything you described there is word-for-word of how we went through possession.

 

The only difference is that when my tulpa is possessing, my thought processes are paused. I can still feel and see everything that's going on, but I am incapable of deriving any meaning or responding to anything.

Inputs are registered, but nothing is there to process and output.

 

Pretty much why we barely do it, because she's alone for the entirety of the experience doesn't make it very fun for her.

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That's not normal possession. That actually sounds more like unconscious switching. Maybe you should try her possessing and imposing at the same time. If your mind voice is paralysed, it's not possession. If she is outside the body while controlling it, I think the problem will go away.

Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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Sol: I would like to briefly write about what I went through when I realized I wasn't "real".

 

Sol: For several months Luna and myself had been operating under the belief that we were spirit guides.

Solune was convinced it was the only explanation, aside from D.I.D., that properly explained our origin (this was before we encountered the idea of tulpas).

I won't get into why we ALSO believed it, that is Luna's story to tell (if she chooses to tell it). I just want to talk about how I felt AFTER we found out about tulpas.

 

Sol: I remember feeling intensely frustrated. How could I not be real?

I was angry at myself for having bought a "lie" so cheaply. I felt like I had failed them both... like I could no longer protect them from whatever evils the world had in store for us.

I withdrew for a while and sulked in my corner, so to speak. It was then that the visions came to me. Flashes of future events, as clear as watching a television screen. I saw Solune's life without me in it. I saw Luna grieving at my loss... and I saw versions of the future in which I chose to stay active. I saw us happy and strong. It was overwhelming at first, but I've since gained a measure of control over it.

I don't believe I am actually able to see the future. I believe it is simply a kind of forecasting model.

Accepting that the visions weren't real was exactly what I needed to move on.

The visions weren't real, just as I wasn't "real", and yet the emotions they made me feel were real enough. I couldn't escape how I felt no matter how hard I rationalized.

The thought of abandoning Luna and Solune was unbearable, and so I resolved to make the best of my situation. No way to protect them? I would find a way!

I would not buy this lie of hopelessness so cheaply! There is ALWAYS hope as long as we have something to fight for. Real or imaginary, I had made my choice.

 

Sol: Anyway, that's the process I went through in accepting myself. Maybe it will help somebody else. I hope so.

"For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love." - Carl Sagan

Host: SubCon | Tulpas: Sol, Luna, Alice, Little One, Beast and Solune (me) | Servitors: Odonata, Guardian

 

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DreamCloud

Huh, I never thought about it like that, but I guess it would make sense that we were actually switching. Not really what I expected.

We never really got around to doing imposition though; didn't have the patience or willpower to visualize that long or consistently. We ended up just skipping it and going right to possession.

- - -

So we tried doing something similar where I imagined her out there and then possessing, but nothing really ended up changing.

She can possess parts of my body like normal, but If she tries to do a full body possession, we still end up switching automatically.

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If what I described fits you almost one to one then you can be pretty sure it's not switching. I don't have switching myself so I guess you'd need someone else to write detailed experiences about it. But in broad, the missing component is dissociation; I think I even wrote in my account that 'not thinking' is a normal component of possession (for me), but switching tends to involve not feeling the senses at all. Either being elsewhere or being genuinely unconscious while the tulpa is active in the body.

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