Life of Felights

[Lucilyn]

I dunno, we can't really agree with putting switching on a possession spectrum, since there are lots of people who've practiced years of full-body possession for switching-like results and they still call it possession.. it's like a sort of middle branch? but mostly, the awareness thing bothers me, I know this chart is mostly for you guys so that's fine but just know you're committed to that middle branch if that's how you think of switching, most hosts are as "aware" as a tulpa when switching and tulpas can obviously be pretty "aware" while not fronting

 

good luck though, that middle branch has been done practically as much as just switching as far as we've seen, TONS of people on the IRC back in the day got to basically-switching levels of full-body possession following this route (I say "basically-switching" because those tulpas could remain fronting for over a week at a time while their host was not-totally-conscious, but again a host should be able to be fully conscious while actually switching)

[Piano Soul]

[hidden]Luxio's been added to the system. We all definitely think he's earned his place by now. We're very much aware that 4 members is a lot, which is the main reason why everyone was so hesitant on the matter, however he's not a "new" tulpa by any stretch, he's older than Indigo. He's just coming back home, and we're going to make room for him. Everyone had sort of hoped that Tass would come back one day, but he's made it clear time and time again that he doesn't want to, meanwhile Luxio's existed in tulpa purgatory when he never really deserved to in the first place. He's committed himself to becoming part of the family again and helping us as he can, none of us think he doesn't belong here. He has some worries/hesitations about the whole thing, but I think those will pass with time.[/hidden]

[Apollo Fire]

Last night, Ranger and I talked about switching, and then we tried to make our own attempts at the same time. I developed a plan for what to do based on the awareness dissociation theory that we developed. Ranger's own plan was pretty similar to mine, just with different wording I suppose.

 

1. Increase the original's (who we will call Radio for the time being) awareness dissociation by both taking over the awareness myself, and blocking out their awareness

2. Transfer Radio into a form outside of the body, similar to forcing a tulpa

3. Allow Radio to stop thinking and go inactive

 

I realized that this seemed to be a reverse process to getting a tulpa to attach to the front. First they become active and start thinking, then they transport their sense of self into the body, then they focus on the body and becoming aware of it. This seems promising to me, that the method I've come up with seems like an actual useful method of getting one to leave the front/back and enter the peripherals, which is what we call the space where non-fronting and non-backing tulpas occupy.

 

I attempted step #1 for a good amount of time, and while they didn't end up losing awareness beyond small amounts, they did end up feeling depersonalized from my own awareness. It started to feel more like the awareness was mine rather than shared, even though it was still shared, if that makes sense. When it reached this point, I figured it wasn't going to go much farther for that attempt, so I went on to step #2. While doing this, I fell asleep for some short amount of time, but when I woke up, things felt much different. It became very easy for me to transfer Radio's sense of self into a form, however they were still in the back simultaneously. My own control over the front felt more clear, more direct. My sense of presence in the brain was gone, instead it felt like I was just in control over the entire brain, I couldn't directly feel Radio's presence there even though he was still there.

 

At this point it was 3 am and I felt too tired to continue, so I went to bed. Throughout my sleep, all of my thoughts and actions felt completely like my own, and not Radio or the body OS. I woke up, and this feeling continued, but I decided I didn't get enough sleep and went back to bed, and the next time I woke up, it had worn off.

 

This would be the second time one of us had entered a state like this, the first time was when Indigo spent time meditating and ended up like this, as well. However, I don't think it lasted as long for him.

 

I think this may have been a stronger "switch in" on my end, with maybe a 25% "switch out" on Radio's end, minus any substantial awareness dissociation. I became concerned that this was as far as our switching will go, however I think repeated attempts might at least set the stage for it becoming a full switch eventually, and then maybe step 3 will be attained successfully. 

 

[align=justify]

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In other news, here's a slight update on the whole merging thing. Luxio decided he wanted to try merging, so here's a list of the merges so far

Solace: Me + Piano

Sterling: Me + Indigo

Serpent: Piano + Indigo

Sabbath: Piano + Luxio

Science: Me + Luxio

 

The only one missing is the Luxio + Indigo merge, which they did do, but quickly decided they didn't want to merge with each other quite yet, and didn't end up picking a name for it yet.

[Dynamo Lux]

[hidden]Indigo wanted to make a switching attempt following the retraction model we came up with, where the host is meant to retract their control first for a switch to occur. He decided that we'd have Radio actually front and lead a meditation session on his own, and see if he could fade out or something. So, Indigo stepped back and gave him the front.

 

To Radio, it was a weird experience. It felt like how it feels for a tulpa to be fronting/full-body possessing, only it was clear that it was him and not a tulpa. This is a very different feeling from when we're reacting to things automatically, so I think it's probably safe to say that those events are the body OS and not Radio. This feeling was encouraging to him, like he was on his way to becoming more disconnected for a switch.

 

He meditated for a while, ultimately it didn't end up being successful and he's still there in the back, ofc. But, I feel perhaps every little attempt is another chip in whatever wall is keeping us from switching.[/hidden]

[Luminesce]

I know your host obviously doesn't want to be fronting, but at this point I think having some more time for him clearly fronting would do you all good. If you achieve switching from your host being zombie'd for months at a time, it sure won't be in a healthy or necessarily repeatable kind of way.

[Dynamo Lux]

Spoiler

 

[hidden]Host being zombied out isn't how we're trying to achieve switching, it's just what's happening since like you said he really hates fronting. He got fatigued after like 30 minutes and wanted Indigo to take back over. I do agree that getting him to front more would be good but for a different reason, I think it might make him switching out easier somehow.

 

Zombie isn't how I'd describe it anyway but that's a different matter.[/hidden]

 

 

Edited March 13, 2020 by Apollo Fire

[Luminesce]

Of course, I did mean it as a way to make switching out easier. If your host isn't able to switch out after months of doing whatever you're doing, I think it would help to have him more active for a while (more than half an hour, unfortunately), to make their presence more defined and manageable. Which as I see it, is rather important to have a good grasp on when switching.

 

Zombie is just how I see it, lol, but it was sort of a joke.

[Apollo Fire]

[align=justify]I'm highly frustrated. Around other people, host is always the one to front. Since right now we're at home for winter break, host is there constantly, and we never get much time to do anything. Even when they're not around he's still unintentionally fronting, since he's just used to it here I guess. This isn't surprising, of course. We knew this would happen. Still, it's annoying. I really wish we could just learn how to switch already and get it over with, not have to worry about it anymore, or at least focus our worries on other things like perfecting switching or things like that, not accomplishing switching for the first time. I just feel like it's gone on for too long and I don't know what to do to make it over with. Obviously, I know switching won't solve all our problems, but at least we could exist without fighting such an uphill battle all the time. I really just want to lose my switchinity, then we'll figure out what to do from there.

 

I just wanted to rant a little, not really much else to say.[/align]

[Luminesce]

Yeah, that's exactly how I've felt about lucid dreaming for like six years, but especially the last 3. I feel like my entire life is on hold in the sense that I can't dedicate myself to wanting to accomplish something else as much as this, until I do it.

 

Philosophically, I feel like there's some kind of answer or lesson I'm missing, like wanting one thing so badly for so long is a mistake or foolhardy. Though, switching is rather practical by comparison, so whatever it is might or might not apply to you guys anyways.

 

As always, all I can say is you're probably thinking about how switching would be accomplished wrong. Might even be thinking about what switching would be like wrong. Though, Ranger posted here a very possession-sounding experience, with his host still being very attached to what was going on, annoyed by the body being hot and such. I know it's obvious (especially to you guys) but I felt like describing switching as distinctly not like that was helpful. The state you're going for, you are "the host" for the duration. Even if you have to make the mind be you and not the host by force (if it's particularly resistant), constantly correcting it to think like you and not your host, your host still shouldn't feel like they're around for it.

 

Though in more recent members' experiences they keep describing more and more new states that non-fronters can be in, and I feel like just knowing about those experiences unfortunately opens them up to you, so I can't say anymore that your host will just be inactive or 100% tulpa when switched. I guess they could be "co-fronting" or "in the background but not dormant" or some random crap like that that really just complicates things, but maybe one of those things fits how your system works more, I don't know.

 

 

Well anyways, if you ever do manage to switch, remember systems with a frequently front-stuck host will probably require more affirmations the tulpa is switched more frequently than others, and you may have to fight your mind to think like you by default even if you think pretty similarly (ie in my system, Tewi thought very differently from me when she started switching and had to discipline the mind to accommodate her more or less - if your host is very stuck to the front, probably any tulpa in the system will experience this)

[Apollo Fire]

I wanted to report on a switching experience last night.

 

The common (lackluster) advice we hear regarding switching is usually "just believe it worked and it will." You can't really force yourself to believe something you don't. Last night, however, I did somehow make myself believe that I had actually switched. Me and Radio talked a bit, tried a few things, and then I felt something go off in my mind that convinced me that it had worked, though Radio was still in the same spot he always is. I figured if it was a real switch, he'd go inactive on his own. I was pretty amped and ngl got a little teary-eyed. But... as time went on and I focused on other things, I faded out and Radio took back control. Not an actual switch, it seems, even if I had convinced myself that it was. I don't think a real switch would fade out like that. Radio should be the one fading out, not me.

 

So it seems that that piece of advice, at least in that scenario, didn't work out.

 

But even if it wasn't a real breakthrough, hopefully practicing switching makes some sort of headway, even if not significant.

 

Radio always feels like he's stuck with glue or gum. He can pull away from his spot a little bit, but always snaps back. We have to think about him fading out in order for him to feel a little misty, and that only lasts as long as we're thinking about it.

 

The way I see it, there are two options:

 

1. Either we learn how to switch, which leads to Radio fading out.

2. Or Radio fades out, which leads to a switch.

 

I'll continue making my attempts, as always, and see if we can replicate the experience I had and hopefully improve upon it. At the very least, I've been fronting pretty well today.