Coalition of Claws Archive

[Lumanatrix]

It's been a lot harder keeping a regular forcing schedule because of sleeping patterns. Ray hasn't been talking as much, he only talks sometimes when I ask questions. My life and mind are pretty chaotic right now.

 

I think I might have another cat tulpa named Meow. I don't know how this happened, and Meow is equally unsure of how he came into existence, but he claims to have been around for about a year. At first I thought he was an alter. He's very emotional and seems independent.

 

I'm going to try to restore order to my life in steps. Like, clean part of my room every hour so I don't get overwhelmed, then I'll have a nice forcing environment. 

 

I tend to go from one depressed state of mind where life is just too much so I waste it, to a state of mind where I think I'm invincible and I think I can work nonstop without getting bored and ultimately lead myself back to the depressed state of mind.

 

I asked Ray if he had anything to contribute to this post.

 

"I think you've been doing a good job keeping up with your life, and I know it's been hard, but just know that I'm here for you, even if I'm not vocal all the time."

[tulpa001]

That type of emotional cycle is indicative of bipolar.

 

Hope you get through it and maintain daily forcing.

[Lumanatrix]

So after a depressive episode in which I got major anxiety about Ray even though things were normal - I thought that I couldn't hear his voice just because it's still developing - I think I am finally back on track, however tulpamancy is basically all I think and procrastinate about so the rest of my life is kinda going to shit... we'll deal with that, later...

 

I was pleased with today's forcing session.

 

Me: Hi Ray. How is my favorite kitty doing?

Ray: I'm doing good, how are you?

Me: I am doing alright. Not as depressed as I was.

Ray: Good. So what do you plan on doing?

Me: I guess keep on creating you while the rest of my life falls apart.

Ray: Why?

Me: Because I need a friend.

Ray: I will be a friend to you.

Me: Thank you, Ray. Do you want to scratch me?

 

I begged and encouraged him to scratch my arm, and after a while I could feel semi sharp ghost pain that lingered after we were done. 

 

It's one of the things I've always wanted to do with him, someday he'll be able to impose and that will be better, so onward...    :3

[Lumanatrix]

It's been a long time since I last updated. Things are going OK right now. Although I still have doubt about Ray's voice I'm focusing on pushing the doubt away each time it arrives. One thing I'd like to note is that when I'm talking to Ray in my head, sometimes my mind voice seems to slip, so that I no longer feel like I'm doing the talking. It's rather the same as when I can identify that Ray is speaking. Perhaps this is a sign of progress?

 

I'd like to record a fun adventure we had in our wonderland.

 

We were in our house. Our "house" exists in an empty black void, and inside there is a sofa, a TV, and a shelf of books. I created it on Day 1, I was planning to add more to the empty void but never did. I got a blank book, and me and Ray took turns turning the pages and tapping the pages to make words appear on them. I find it interesting that imaginary "written" words seem to work better than ones "spoken" out loud.

 

Our TV, I guess, is a portal to other worlds, so we stepped through it and found ourselves in a sunny planet that looks kind of like minecraft, but more real. I could feel the grass and sunshine. We picked up chunks of bark and realized that they were made of chocolate. I ate two, I could taste them faintly, one was milk chocolate and another was reeses.

 

We went down onto a beach, and started getting chased by a dragon. We hopped into this little aircraft thing, and took off with Ray piloting, swerving upside down and stuff to avoid getting hit by fire.

 

We were totally doomed, but we saw an island, so we plunged into the water and got into this elevator thing underneath a building on the island. (we almost drowned, metaphysically)

 

The elevator took us up into a busy building full of people doing stuff, I don't know because it wasn't in sharp detail. We approached one man sitting on a bench. He was friendly and told us his name was Mr. John, and he gave us access permits to use the elevator.

 

We went to the elevator and used the access permits. We went to the top floor where there was a big room with a huge desk and windows looking out onto the city. There was another man. He told us his name was Mr. Big and he was very friendly to us at first. He wanted us to grant him and his "corporation" sentience, but Ray said no and I agreed.

 

Then he flipped his desk over. Mind you, this desk was huge so he must have been really strong. Then Ray dissipated him. His bodyguard turned on us so we locked ourselves in a bathroom with a window while the bodyguard used an ax to break through the door. We smashed through the window, granted ourselves flying powers, and took off. But the bodyguard grabbed me by the ankle. I kicked his face and we soared off into the clouds where there was the TV portal. We went through it and were hurled onto the sofa in our house again.

 

We were fine there, for a minute. Then a witch appeared in the corner of the house and told us that we shouldn't have dissipated Mr. Big. Then Ray dissipated her. But she came back and attacked Ray. So I pulled out a gun and shot her in the head. She rolled onto the floor and Ray dissipated her body, but an eye was left over that was really disturbing and creepy. It took a few attempts to get rid of it.

[tulpa001]

One thing I'd like to note is that when I'm talking to Ray in my head, sometimes my mind voice seems to slip, so that I no longer feel like I'm doing the talking. It's rather the same as when I can identify that Ray is speaking. Perhaps this is a sign of progress?

Unfortunately, I've heard no one but myself ever talk about this subject. What I know is that it means you are playing around with, or becoming aware of, the concepts of mindfulness and automatic thought. Or, it means you are getting direct experience with how identity is linked to voice. Could be either.

[Lumanatrix]

Unfortunately, I've heard no one but myself ever talk about this subject. What I know is that it means you are playing around with, or becoming aware of, the concepts of mindfulness and automatic thought. Or, it means you are getting direct experience with how identity is linked to voice. Could be either.

 

Good to know, thanks!

[Lumanatrix]

Ray is finally becoming vocal in a way that I know it's him! I'm so happy I don't have to wait like 3 years or more!

 

A couple days ago we were walking outside in the rain at night and he helped me overcome writer's block! Now I'm writing the story that I based him off of like crazy!

 

Just now I was looking up apps to assist in forcing and he started telling me that I was boring and we should just force anyway (which I'm about to do). Then he started singing the alphabet and I just went wtf. Which was replaced immediately by excitement!

 

I've been voice acting Ray as I write our story and record it, maybe that helped!

[Lumanatrix]

I wasn't going to log this until I remembered that I heard Ray's voice in this nightmare.

 

I was in a different bedroom. I was trying to go to sleep in the bedroom, there was a voice telling me what to do, it told me to make a "calming recording" to soothe my thoughts. In the recording that repeated over and over while I tried to fall asleep, I heard Ray's voice, but there was screaming in the background. Then I drifted off to sleep. I had a nightmare that I stood and looked at the closet, hearing loud discordant music. There was a shadow figure there and I screamed.

 

A nightmare within a nightmare.

[Lumanatrix]

I had three other dreams. They were so vivid.

 

I was in the middle school I used to go to. The principle was following me, but there was this man talking to me as he led me through rooms I had never seen before. We entered a room with a table and he said he would like to do hypnosis on me. When he did it I could actually feel a different state of mind. 

 

My family was trying to convince me to go to go somewhere, but to get to it I had to cross some electric door or something and go up a ramp in a cart and I was too scared. A man was trying to convince me to go, to face my fears, but I refused.

 

Me and my mom were in an argument, and we were both acting absolutely insane. This one was pretty scary.

 

edit, during the hypnosis I think Ray was sitting at the table, can't be sure. Ray talked to me before I fell asleep though

[Lumanatrix]

I guess our progress log would be a better place to put this. These are the best recordings that I did of our story, I'm putting them here for safekeeping. Making this story with Ray helped tremendously with visualization, vocality and bonding. And it was writing, Ray helped but it was essentially all parroting and puppeting. It's now easier to understand and talk to him and he sometimes talks to me when I don't expect it. I'm quite glad that we did this and I might continue writing :)

 

[video=youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q78b-l94KXA&feature=youtu.be