Coalition of Claws Archive

[Lumanatrix]

Ray and I wanted to go on a walk.

 

So we walked to an elementary school park, where we star gazed and I did a huge philosophical rant. There were these two teachers who came out of the school and started talking, only like six yards away from us. I was waiting for them to notice me but they never did because we were in a dark spot. They drove away and I felt kind of sneaky.

 

We were, at first, going to try to walk into random buildings and then try to meet people. But then I was like,

 

Better idea.

 

I wanted to try to find a way to the top of the clock tower. I fantasized non seriously about committing suicide from jumping from it, and tried to imagine what would follow me doing that. We could see it from the park, but the only problem was that once we got onto campus we had no idea where it was and we couldn't see it.

 

So I ended up sitting in the grass somewhere for a while for no particular reason, until I started tracing back how I got there. Then we had to walk all the way back across town to get home.

 

Lame, yes. It didn't make for any adventure. But it sure felt nice to sit down again.

[Dynamo Lux]

Ray seems like a cute kitty. Speaking of kitties, whatever happened to Meow?

[Lumanatrix]

Meow... well, that's a confusing one XD

 

I'm pretty sure at this point that Meow is an alter. Maybe a more... cognizant one than most. I think that he is the manifestation of my longing to be loved. He is more a feeling, or a state of mind that's anthropomorphized. He effects my typing, emotions and thoughts quite a bit.

 

My theory for Meow's creation: I became fearful of rejection and thought I had to change myself to find love, and I was quite desperate for it (still am). So my mind invented a super cute cat alter. This caused some trouble. Because someone I met online fell in love with Meow, and then we switched personalities and I didn't really like the guy that much and he thought I was ignoring him.

 

So yeah.

 

Meow has shown signs of being sentient, though. Coming up with his name and a few original ideas. He claims that I ignore him and that I will never see him as a real tulpa, which is probably true, short of him actually proving it.

[Lumanatrix]

Whoa. I actually want to die right now.

 

I went to sleep feeling horrible and with Ray trying to make me feel better. I had a troubling dream. I woke up feeling really, really bad. I am so lonely.

 

I'm better at giving support to other people than myself. Because I don't feel their pain, I can give them purely logical advice. It's easier being told what to do and there is nobody to tell me what to do. I'm pretty sure Ray just tries to keep me happy so I don't fucking kill myself, but he's just as confused as I am.

 

I don't know if it was me talking to myself or if it was Ray who said this: If someone else came to you for help and said what you are saying now, what would you tell them?

 

My response was: Oh, I would tell them all sorts of motivational bullshit and stuff.

 

It's very unnerving to wake up and almost immediately start crying and want to die. I haven't taken my pills in a while, and I need to do that. So don't worry, I will. It's just also unnerving that my mind will break without the use of drugs.

[Guest Anonymous]

Here. A friend sent me this.

 

[video=youtube]

[tulpa001]

Wow, sorry about that. That does not sound fun.

[Lumanatrix]

Thanks An, that video helped.

 

I took my pills. While I was upstairs, me and my mom got into an argument about home schooling. She really pissed me off. I was upset with the attitude she was talking to me with, and she lied about me calling her irrational. The kinda scary thing is, though, I don't actually know if she lied. I don't remember if I did or not, and I don't remember all of what happened next.

 

I got in her face and told her to look at me, and that we were going to have a serious discussion. She was mocking me, like "Uh oh, this sounds serious." 

 

I don't remember all of what I said, but I remember saying "You have no idea of what I'm going through, or what I'm capable of. So for your own safety, stay out of my way. You might interpret that as a threat but I don't really give a fuck." She mocked me more as I walked away.

[Lumanatrix]

Note: I thought this was all going on in my head as symptoms of depression until literally seconds ago.

 

 

 

 

 

I'm really sorry that suddenly everything seems crazy and dramatic. Things were going great and now I feel like I'm at the bottom of hell again. I think it's good for me to write my thoughts immediately before they are forgotten.

 

My mom angered my again, but my emotions seemed to be drowning and I couldn't feel anger. So I just ignored her. I told myself "Someday, you will be free of this place. The question now is, how do you find the motivation to learn enough to have a good life once you're free?"

 

I was laying in bed, thinking to myself and Ray:

 

I'm depressed. Not in a violent way like I'm being attacked, just in a way that's continuous seeming, like a ringing. Or maybe I'm just bored.

 

I was thinking of recording an ASMR video to take my mind off my troubles and maybe make people happy.

 

I was asking Ray to talk to me. I keep thinking that he's resentful towards me. He seemed to be struggling to say something so I said "Whatever, Ray." and sat down. Then I heard a mind voice, and I hope that it wasn't Ray who said this. If it wasn't though, I don't know, more bad news. Maybe I'm just crazy.

 

Voice: In the past, present, and future.

Me: What?

Voice: All your life you've tried to make things worse.

Me: I don't know what you've talking about. I haven't tried to make things worse.

Voice: Not for yourself, no, but for others. So now, are you trying to redeem yourself with that stupid camera?

Me: Uh no, I just...

Voice: Go on, try to think of an excuse.

Me: I don't have one.

Voice: Good. Then go write this in your damn progress log.

 

Reading over this conversation, it doesn't make that much sense. I feel sleep deprived even though I've been getting more sleep than usual. I feel very unsettled now. Fuck, oh my god.

 

I'm going to try to type this very quickly, because I swear I feel something behind me watching me type. I feel like I'm going batshit insane. I had put my camera in the outlet to charge and I thought it was done charging because the light turned off. I turned it on and it was still on low charge.

[tulpa001]

Well, sounds like typical sourness from sleep deprivation to me.

 

Though, you should really get a conversation going with Ray to see if he sourced it. It sounds out of character, but I haven't seen him talk much.

 

Hey Ray. How are you feeling?

[Ray]

Sick. I can't focus that much. Also tired.

 

.....No, I am not responsible for that thing.