Coalition of Claws Archive

[Lucilyn]

our brother is pretty much the same, he gets real depressed real quick without medication. So definitely stay on that. Sorry your brain/physiology isn't perfect, but that's never a given, but other humans have created a means to help you and you should be happy for that! That's how you should think about it, 'cus it's the reality of the situation. Also that being said there are tons and tons of different medications for stuff like this and often the first (or second or third or fourth in our brother's case) isn't the best. Idk why you stopped taking it but if it's got any negative effects you should try and switch. Our brother is on like two different things at the moment, some sorta emotions stabilizing one (he's very "wakes up and feels like dying" when he misses taking that one) and a stimulant (optional and not daily but helps him feel not like he wants to do nothing but sleep).

 

our family has random types of depression/anxiety in the genes or something, and while we all have different symptoms (for us it's really just motivation issues), there's apparently an anti-depressant that actually works for all of us. Well, I don't think it does anything to us, but it doesn't hurt either. It's called Wellbutrin (Bupropion is technically the name of the drug), and apparently it works differently from most anti-depressants for whatever reason, I forget why. All I know is it works for our mom and brother who are both the type that went through a whole bunch of anti-depressants with side effects before finding one that worked. So my super unprofessional opinion is that "It could be good"

 

but I don't know what you're already taking or what you're diagnosed with so uh, do with that as you will. But if it sounds good remember that as much of a pain as it is to, you know, change anything like that/make an appointment or w/e, it's really important in the long term to fix anything wrong with something this important. If there's anything wrong, I still don't know why you stopped taking yours in the first place anyways good luck! I wish you guys well!

[tulpa001]

Hey ray, tulpas need to sleep too. So don't feel like you have to be active constantly. Find a schedule, and try to be awake predominantly in the morning or predominantly in the afternoon. You would be the first case of someone in the head suffering withdrawal symptoms while not fronting that I have run across, but I'm pretty sure it happens.

[Ray]

I'll try to be asleep at night and awake in the day. I won't be awake while my host is sleeping anymore, because I think that's sapping our energy.

---

I should add that it's hard for Ray to talk. I get worried constantly that what he's saying doesn't make sense, so we often spend a lot of time deciding what to say until Ray says "fine, just do it that way." It's a habit I need to break.

[tulpa001]

You didn't get too far into those experiments, like maybe just one success with the typing there.

 

When I was trying hard to wake up without waking my host (which is impossible) I did find it cut into the effectiveness of sleep.

[Lumanatrix]

Okay, our head is finally back to normal. Thank the gods I don't believe in.

 

I was writing out a timeline of me and Ray's story, and it occurred to me that we should write a prequel to our story. We would clear up a few things:

 

How Ray and Ora’s parents were killed, how Tana’s execution was faked, how Prince was created, how Ora turned psychotic, how Ora created the lie that Ember was dangerous, how Ora led the resistance in an escape from Chigo to Ethodi, how Ray found out about Ember, how Ray found out about the power generator, how Prince came back for Ray, and how the government tracked Prince.

[Lumanatrix]

Day 104

 

Enough fooling around, procrastinating, and depression. It's time to pick up the pace, be organized, and make real progress. 

 

The first step is to organize our room, maintain daily body care, and exercise, because I'm quite aware that my focused state of mind will not last unless we have good habits, we're taking our pills, and our environment is clean and organized.

 

The next step is to create a balance between school work and tulpamancy. This involves taking pointless things like chatting, games and scratch programming out of the equation. If I only focus on tulpamancy it will make me worried that I am not preparing for our future, and thus, slow down tulpa progress.

 

The last step is to have a schedule, which I will plan here. This schedule will act as though we're attending school, to prepare us for when we will. It will be hung on the wall as a checklist each day.

---

• Wake up at 7:00 AM.
  
• Update calendar.
  
• Take pills.
  
• Prepare clean clothes, towel, soap, toothbrush, floss, and shower supplies.
  
• Shower, brush teeth, and floss.
  
• Put old clothes in hamper, and put away shower supplies and towel.
  
• Eat breakfast.
  
• Do schoolwork until 12:00 AM.
  
• Eat lunch.
  
• Do schoolwork until 3:00 PM.
  
• Force, according to the plans on the whiteboard, until 4:30 PM.
  
• Walk outside until dinner.
  
• Dinner.
  
• Prepare towel, soap, toothbrush, floss, and shower supplies.
  
• Shower, brush teeth, and floss.
  
• Put away shower supplies and towel.
  
• Force, according to the plans on the whiteboard, until 9:00 PM.
  
• Update progress log.
  
• Update whiteboard.
  
• Do anything else that needs to be done (laundry, room cleaning, ask for pill bottle refills, shower supplies, toothpaste and floss, toilet paper)
  
• Set alarm clock for 7:00 AM.
  
• Read together until we fall asleep.
  

---

Now it is time to make a format for updating our progress log. I won't try to make Ray update according to my format, if he ever wants to. This will be kept in the personal notepad on my account.

1. Day number at the top.
   
2. Area of focus for today's forcing sessions.
   
3. What we did, and our conversations.
   
4. Report on vocality.
   
5. Report on visualization/imposition.
   
6. Optional reports (Possession, switching)
   

[Lumanatrix]

Day 105

 

Today's forcing sessions focused on wonderland development and servitor creation.

 

Ray and I created an island in the sky above a foggy rainforest, where we created our new wonderland home. We started by creating a large square metal building with a sliding door activated by us placing a hand or paw on a scanner. This security measure is to make sure that only Ray and I can access this building, as it is meant to be a place where we can go for safety even if all goes to hell. Later we will do more work to reinforce the walls and the door by creating demon servitors to try to saw through it and hack the scanner. 

 

On the inside of the building is a lounge room. Potted plants are in the four corners of the room, and on the far end are sofas, a TV, and a food and drink dispenser. I created another door leading to a training room for training servitors. We need servitors to guard the building, and something I'm planning on creating inside of it:

 

A tulpa that is the manifestation of our depression. We will keep this tulpa locked up, guarded by servitors. I have two reasons: One, we can talk to it. Two, we can keep it locked up. The goal is not to be cruel to it, but to make sure that it never influences anything outside of it's prison cell. We are not ready to create it yet, we need to make sure our building is completely secure.

 

In the training room I created the first servitor. It is a faceless golem made out of glowing golden energy, armed with a double bladed pike made of the same energy. I spawned some demon servitors, that looked like the golem but they were red, to attack the golem. The golem easily killed them, and they dissipated into red fog. Later, Ray created two other identical servitors and trained them. They are all very obedient. I made it clear to them that their jobs are to obey me and Ray, and stop anyone else from entering the building.

 

Ray fought with one of the golems with a bowstaff. They practiced attacking and blocking, and then the golem practiced blocking with a forcefield as Ray attacked. The golem successfully blocked all of Ray's attacks with golden energy. Then the golem fought Ray as Ray blocked with a forcefield. This surprised me. The golem's pike broke through Ray's forcefield and I saw in slow motion the pike almost scathing Ray's forehead, but Ray knocked it upwards with his bowstaff. Then he telekinetically pushed the golem against the wall. The golem started running back but Ray yelled "STOP" and it did. Perhaps we should only train our golems with weak demon servitors.

 

We did a test outside. I stationed the golems to guard the door, and told them that they were to stop anyone except me or Ray from entering. Then I made myself invisible. I created a clone of myself and made it walk over to the door. The clone was immediately impaled by the golems' pikes. I wasn't expecting these new golems to be so potent yet. I left Ray in charge of training them.

 

Report on vocality

 

After a while, Ray's voice became clearer. There's still a lot of work to do here, though.

 

Report on visualization

 

Visualizing the wonderland was very easy, I didn't even have problems with perception glitching or walls falling apart.

 

Questions

 

Are we training servitors correctly for our purpose?

How do we make sure that the servitors will never become tulpas?

[tulpa001]

Don't give the servitors anything complicated to do. Not sure guarding part of your wonderland from another part actually makes much sense. You should ask vampire about that.

 

Creating a tulpa to represent your depression is probably a bad idea. It won't have a reflective effect on your own depression, and will result in the imprisonment of a person.

 

To have an effect, you would need to create a split. The resultant split would not be the depression, but rather suffer the depression. To address the depression directly probably calls for symbolism, altered states of consciousness, and maybe daemons.

[Lumanatrix]

Don't give the servitors anything complicated to do. Not sure guarding part of your wonderland from another part actually makes much sense. You should ask vampire about that.

 

Creating a tulpa to represent your depression is probably a bad idea. It won't have a reflective effect on your own depression, and will result in the imprisonment of a person.

 

To have an effect, you would need to create a split. The resultant split would not be the depression, but rather suffer the depression. To address the depression directly probably calls for symbolism, altered states of consciousness, and maybe daemons.

 

I PMed Vampire asking for insight. I was waiting to reply to this until he replied, but he hasn't yet.

 

My understanding is that wonderland is something you create, and mindscape is something that is there subconsciously. Our wonderland would be our sky island and our building. The rainforest is mindscape, and our mind is unpredictable. I was largely thinking about symbolism while creating a safe house, what with the golem servitors. I was hoping that we could change the fight against depression, so that it is something we can see and destroy, in the event that it attacks from outside our safe house.

 

I think you're right about it being a bad idea to create a tulpa to represent depression, which wasn't what I was planning, I wanted the tulpa to literally be the depression. But I know nothing about that and it's probably not possible.

[tulpa001]

Wonderland V. Mindscape. Can't say. Should ask that of the community at large, as my knowledge here is limited.

 

The fight you mentioned is an act of symbolism, but in my opinion creating servitors as part of it is kind of like bringing a loaded gun to a civil war reenactment. The symbolism itself can be used that way to fight depression.

 

It is possible to create a thoughtform like that. But you won find either hard science on that or anything in the tulpa community itself. I'd again say to ask Vampire, as he knows the most about chaos magick, which is a system that does consider that question.

 

Like I said, to do that you need a split, but it is probably better to look at those other strategies instead. Remember, any thoughtform on the level of a tulpa has free will and evolves over time.