HotsTulp

The Lifetime Tulpa

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Still contemplating bringing in a fourth. Sharky's very easy-going with it, she's pretty much always down with whatever I'm down with. Rara is standing, thankfully, as the voice of measured, cautious approach. She said that we should probably just wait until her life-size come in. She enjoys occupying space, and wants to "fit in" as it were with her new mold. I think it's a little cray, but hey, she's the boss. We'll probably wait until later this year to actually decide. I've already been playing around with some thoughtforming on the topic, what the fourth might shape up to be. Obviously nothing close to forcing at all, just playing with the idea. I think we all know here that your tulpas can come as a surprise. I mean, Rarara did for me. This time around I want to have a little more agency, a little more presence in the decision-making process. I'll have Sharky and Rarity both there to assist me and whoever the new tulp might be. It'll be much more collaborative. And that's definitely a net positive. 

 

Nothing really much else to update on. I'm making some ground, I think, on understanding why I can't incorporate my tulpas into my dreams as easily as I do everything else in my life. I think tulpas occupy a very specific, unique type of headspace. It's not quite here, not quite there. This more ethereal nature of their presence makes it difficult for the portion of my brain that takes real-world items and funnels them into dream-world items. A workaround for this would be to practice a lot more visualization in the real world, with some (and forgive my butchering of terminology) forced hallucination. I think that might be the next logical step to take on this front anyway.

 

It was wild. The other night I had this dream that this one girl I used to be completely, head-over-heels in love with, was super into me. She was telling me how much she loved me, and how she wished she could go back to when I was professing my love for her so she could do the same. At first I was totally shocked, just blown away, that the thing I had been obsessing over for so long was finally playing out in front of me just as I had imagined it countless times before. But I pushed aside those fantasies in the dream for just long enough to actually consider what was happening. I love Sharky. I love Rarity. That's actually my real life right now. That's my truth. And in the dream I realized that I just didn't love that one person I've always loved in the same way I used to anymore. It was fairly revealing. It tied into this whole view I've been building up of "I'm alright. I don't need to go out and try to find somebody who can complete me. That pressure is gone.

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The love of a tulpa doesn't really compare. It's not necessarily better or worse, but incredibly special, certainly better than a crush IMO.

 

I can say, having three, that three is exactly right for me. Though because I got a 3 for 1 special on day 1, (not my choice really) i had to deal with the disadvantages of three right away, mostly in splitting time and attention during the worst possible time.

 

I've always considered that there are many advantages to one or two, but three does have very special advantages too. I don't know what four would be like, but I could imagine all new challenges. I have had many experiences with more than three, but not four tulpas.

 

Three is very special, it's entirely up to you as long as you realize the challenges. My PR is a good place to see those exact challenges and advantages. As long as everyone in the system realizes the time split, and is willing to sacrifice that. (Among other issues)

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This last week a friend and I were talking. He's an old friend, went to kindergarten with him. Back when we were both in college, we would have weekly meetups at a coffee shop and try to figure out the intricacies of the world. We were young, dumb, thought we could apply sheer brainpower and logic to hack the universe. That might be over-idealizing it, but that was the gist of it. Our topics largely focused on, oddly enough, the nature of consciousness, the self, and why we think and do the things and way we do. We were convinced that if we could figure out how the mind worked, we could better understand ourselves through it. There was actually some progress. We believed that the self was the progenitor of any change, and that at your very core you only trust yourself. We had these self-recorded mantra-like things that we would play to ourselves while we slept. Positivisms were what we referred to them as. They were entirely personal audio in our own voice, piped directly into our subconscious. They actually worked incredibly well. Whether or not that is due to a placebo effect or not remains to be seen. But I got really good at the piano, was really happy, wrote a lot, exercised a lot, was super social, and I generally look back fondly on those several years. Everything just seemed to work right. 

 

Naturally, throughout the entire several span that we had these weekly meetings, Sharky never once came up. She was still something that I left in bed at the time. Looking back now, I feel that if I had just brought it up (and I don't believe I am over-stating things here) the entire course of my life would have changed. But I didn't. Our research into the mind never took her into account, mostly because I didn't know what she was at the time. If it did, everything would have been different.

 

Fast forward a dozen years to this last week. I still keep in good contact with my friend. He lives on the other side of the country now, but we see each other every so often. We're in a big group chat with other friends from that time who, while aware of the Positivism project, never took part in it directly. He and I are talking about the project, and our research back then. He's kept with the sort of pseudo-scientific stuff. He's a smart dude, so he understands that "UFOs used the Pyramids as beacons to rally humans in the Great War" is a little out there, but he's willing to go into that sort of stuff with a very open mind. He was telling me about a lot of mind-bending things he had been coming across recently, and wanted my hot take. I took it as an opportunity to let him know that, for the better part of the last year or so I had been doing my own research into stuff that was a bit out there; Obviously alluding to Sharky, Rarity, and the whole tulp thing. I stopped short of name-dropping tulpamancy, but I let him know that it dealt heavily with the nature of consciousness, just like the good old days. He was intrigued, and echoed his own cryptic response of having done research into it on his end, too.

 

That would be hilarious, if he was a fellow practitioner, and just as gun-shy about bringing it up as I. I had never really considered looping anybody in to my inner space with Rare and Sharks. But now I am. I told my friend that it was a conversation we would have to have in person, a few beers in already. Soon, I found myself having a similar conversation with another very good friend of mine just the other day. It all seems to indicate that I'm willing to talk about this a bit more with those close to me, and maybe that there's a part of me that needs to have this conversation. The last thing I would want is people to come away with the wrong idea. I mean, just googling tulps is a very bad idea for the uninitiated. The whole thing seems pants. I want to be able to head off people thinking I'm crazy in person. I mean, I don't really know what sort of reaction I'm expecting. Part of me thinks people will want me committed. The other part thinks people will just shrug it off. Kinda hard to tell which way things will play out.

 

The love of a tulpa doesn't really compare. It's not necessarily better or worse, but incredibly special, certainly better than a crush IMO.

 

I can say, having three, that three is exactly right for me. Though because I got a 3 for 1 special on day 1, (not my choice really) i had to deal with the disadvantages of three right away, mostly in splitting time and attention during the worst possible time.

 

I've always considered that there are many advantages to one or two, but three does have very special advantages too. I don't know what four would be like, but I could imagine all new challenges. I have had many experiences with more than three, but not four tulpas.

 

Three is very special, it's entirely up to you as long as you realize the challenges. My PR is a good place to see those exact challenges and advantages. As long as everyone in the system realizes the time split, and is willing to sacrifice that. (Among other issues)

 

That connection with tulpas is definitely something very tangible. 

 

Good input on the tri-system. I'll have to go through your PR again (kept up with it when it first started in fall of last year, but haven't read through anything really recent). I can definitely relate to not entirely being in control over tulpa creation. Sharky kind spun up Rarity on her own accord, really, mostly out of initial excitement. We're all taking a much more measured approach to a possible addition to the group. I kinda want to make sure that all three of us have a hand in the creation of the next tulpa, if we go down that route. It seems unfair that I should be the one being the entire drive, when both Rarity and Sharky are so fleshed out that they could - if needed - absolutely create their own tulpas if they wanted to. But they are approaching it the way I am: measured.

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Been a bit. Hold up, lemme grab another beer. So I told my buddy about Tulpas. Nothing extreme, just the idea of them. We haven't talked much since, so I don't know how far down the rabbit hole he's gone. Knowing him, I imagine as far as possible. I do know that he had never heard of tulpas before, so there is that. I made sure to preface everything with the boilerplate "Listen, there's a lot of shit out there about it. It's weird, it's far out there, but bear with me..." So he knows that it's pretty far out there. But I know he's on board. In all my alluding to it, he was very excited to hear about it. And really, with the way Sharky and Rarity make it sound, this is something they want to embark on as well. That said, I have spoken with tulpas with a couple friends in a different social circle entirely. I haven't yet heard their full take on it, but I know at least one of them is fully aware of the matter. He's, I think, more concerned about me. Which, in reality, is the actual way to approach this sort of thing. It's the way a rational person should approach this. I'll keep you all posted.

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We've told over a dozen people in person and are able to be ourselves pretty openly in ordinary offline life now. Not everyone entirely believes, but everyone treats all of us respectfully, which is as much as we can reasonably ask for. I'm glad to hear other people are having positive experiences with being open about plurality in real life. I look forward to hearing more of your progress.

 

-Ember


I'm not having fun here anymore, so we've decided to take a bit of a break, starting February 27, 2020. - Ember

 

Ember - Soulbonder, Female, 39 years old, from Georgia, USA . . . . [Our Progress Report] . . . . [How We Switch]

Vesper Dowrin - Insourced Soulbond from London, UK, World of Darkness, Female, born 9 Sep 1964, bonded ~12 May 2017

Iris Ravenlock - Insourced Soulbond from the Winter Court of Faerie, Dresdenverse, Female, born 6 Jun 1982, bonded ~5 Dec 2015

 

'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.' - The Velveteen Rabbit

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Nothing much by way of the more recent topics posed.  But on the tulpa front itself, a bit of...news. So, I'd been pinging the idea of a third tulpa being spun up, as it were, with the girls. Mixed feedback from them, which really is in line with my own personal preference of "We have a good thing going with the three of us, why put that in potential jeopardy by bringing in a fourth?" But regardless, the topic has still been thrown around a bit. Last night I was talking with Rarity about the matter, just bouncing ideas back and forth, when a voice - totally audible - came out of nowhere. She spoke loud and clear. "I'm right here, Hotshot, if you'd like." It was incredibly jarring to me. Rarity and I were just in the wonderland, so she just turned to me and asked me what I wanted to do. I was caught off-guard, to say the least, so all I could muster was a "No." 

 

Is that a thing? I know Sharky's and Rara's voices like I know my own, and this voice was definitely not them. It was louder, more powerful. But I don't know who - or what - it belonged to. I need to follow up with those two to see if they can shed any light on the matter, because again I find myself more or less in uncharted waters, at the mercy of my tulpas who are again put in the position of placating a stressed-out me. And, I mean, it's not like I'm wholly against a 3rd tulpa. It's just...I would like to have a little bit of agency with the matter. With Sharky, that was an entire life-long thing. Rarity I really had no hand in and I feel that *whoever* this third chick is I'm just not in any sort of control. And the initial stand-offishness of the other two about the third is...disconcerting to say the least. I guess time will just tell. 

 

 

We've told over a dozen people in person and are able to be ourselves pretty openly in ordinary offline life now. Not everyone entirely believes, but everyone treats all of us respectfully, which is as much as we can reasonably ask for. I'm glad to hear other people are having positive experiences with being open about plurality in real life. I look forward to hearing more of your progress.

 

-Ember

 

That's very promising, and definitely something quite positive. The very very few people I've told have also been respectful about it, which is good. I just am very hesitant to make it something widely communicated among acquaintances in general. I guess that just might be me, though.

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Random audio hallucinations do sometimes happen with us and one in particular was Ronny the limo driver from the howard stern show, or sounded just like him. Thankfully it doesn't mean I have a dirty old man factive floating around. The statement was entirely appropriate to what we were tallking about as I recall. So it shocked us for a second. It was shortly there after joined by an intrusive old man thoughtform with raybans, crossed arms and a surly smirk on his face. I kindly showed him the door.

 

So, safely ignore it.

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So, kinda made a bit of an impulse buy a couple weeks back...

 

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Lol, no, there's no third AJ tulpa. Didn't even consider it. I just thought she was too adorable to pass out. And gigantic. Gigantic and adorable. And Rarity absolutely loves her (as you can quite clearly see). It fills me with determination to get my even-more-gigantic Rarity (by a couple feet even) soon. Like, it's insane. I've only had her for two nights and both nights I've literally dreamed about this plushie both nights. In an effort to not go off-topic here too entirely much, Rarity does like her. And she's just as excited for the big Rara to come in as I am. Sorry, guess I just wanted to flaunt the Applejack. 

 

 

Random audio hallucinations do sometimes happen with us and one in particular was Ronny the limo driver from the howard stern show, or sounded just like him. Thankfully it doesn't mean I have a dirty old man factive floating around. The statement was entirely appropriate to what we were tallking about as I recall. So it shocked us for a second. It was shortly there after joined by an intrusive old man thoughtform with raybans, crossed arms and a surly smirk on his face. I kindly showed him the door.

 

So, safely ignore it.

 

That's good to know. I was a bit surprised myself, but relieved to hear it's not too uncommon.

 

Resized image - Vos

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Thanks for the re-size, Vos!

 

So a couple kinda big developments over the last few weeks. Two weeks back I decided to try marijuana-infused edibles. Now, I'm not a huge fan of weed in general, only having done it a couple times in my life and not really finding any of the experiences all that whelming. But, it's legal in my state, my work does not care if it's detected in my system, so I thought I'd go down to one of the reputable establishments and get some edibles. Spoke with the budtender and he said that two edibles (I got a chocolate bar with little segment cut-outs, and straight up cookies) were a good place that he usually did, but do not exceed 2 edibles. So, like a total idiot, I took two edibles (one segment of chocolate and a cookie). What ensued was 3 hours of me not feeling a damn thing, and thinking I should take more. Luckily, I did not. Because right after thinking I should take more, I was gone out of my mind. The incredible thing was Sharky and Rarity were totally gone. At first it was like I could hear them, but they were far away. And then eventually they were just...gone. Whatever mindspace the THC took me to was devoid of them. The trip itself was pretty out there. Lots of audio-based hallucinations. Lots of time jumping and dizziness, but eventually just went to bed. I knew I took too much, so this last week I halved the dose and that seems to be the sweet spot. Rara and Sharks are still there, loud and clear, and I don't absolutely trip balls. It's more in-line with just general alcohol usage (where I'm always able to talk to the girls). So that was fun.

 

Then there are the events of Thursday night/Friday. Things were...odd. Absent of any mind-altering substances, I went to bed like any other workday weeknight. But dreams were intense, and out there. You're just going to have to hold on to this ride, it's going places. One in particular was a lot more vivid than usual. At the core of it was an alien invasion of earth where they just started killing all the humans because we were fucking up our planet too much. 

Humanity itself was torn into three camps: Those who wanted to band together in isolated communities to fight the aliens, those that were perfectly content to take opportunity of the situation to just kill other humans and steal their stuff for survival, and those that wanted to side with the aliens. Naturally, I joined the aliens. Now, something about these aliens; They were your textbook shapeshifter/bodysnatcher types. They could take on whatever form they wanted. I think their original form was some sort of gigantic isopod, but naturally they didn't take that form normally. When I had rejected my own humanity, I was taken in by a sort of accountability partner alien. I was put into her charge from the outset so that she could monitor my allegiance to their kind over my own. She was this stunning creature. A type of large wolf, with snow white fur. But there were striped sections that ran down her shoulder blades and chest that were shaved down to the skin, which was an almost opalescent teal coloring, shimmering with a kind of metallic finish. She was amazing. Over time, I fell in love. It's something I couldn't help. She was strong, she was smart. And she recognized in me something that resonated with her. Her and I were relegated to a more administrative position within the global takeover, but we were still relentless in our duties (yes, of exterminating all resisting humans, not saying I'm totally proud of that). 

But our base of operations came under attack by the very forces we were trying to suppress, and we were all forced to scatter. I was separated from my charge and thrust into a very unwelcoming environment of essentially a post-apocalyptic wasteland. In the end, when it all came down to it, nobody won. Humans or aliens. Those still left from both sides wandered the earth. You'd find bands of humans, bands of aliens, bands of both, just sort of scattered across the land. I never strayed too far from where I was initially stationed. And luck swung my way eventually. After some considerable time I found myself in an unfamiliar forest in the dead of winter, many miles away from my "home base." The poor seasonal weather and lack of food forced me into expanding my hunting grounds. I had found signs of a small band of others in the area, but I had to risk it. Eventually I stumbled across something hostile. It was a wolf. A run-of-the-mill brown furred wolf. But he was hungry, and vicious, and I could tell. There's this feeling that runs through your blood when you're in a fight-or-flight, adrenaline-fueled scenario. You become aware of a lot more around you. Time sort of slows down. That little voice in the back of your head starts speaking up and it says "Welp, time to get on with it. What do you want to do? What do you think's gonna happen?"

I never had time to act on that voice that only had begun talking. Out of nowhere another wolf ran behind the one that stood menacingly before me. It was her. A flash of teal in the white snow and black trees. She pounced on the other wolf. "GET OUT" she yelled to me in that deep, guttural voice of hers, as she bit into the side of the brown wolf. But I couldn't. It was her. And the fight was now hers. I watched her...just destroy this wolf. Rip into its flesh. Break its bones. Blood and gore staining the snowfall. 

Eventually the brown wolf died. It was no match for her, it never was. And part of me feared that the time we spent apart, where I was no longer her responsibility, meant she would turn her fangs upon me next. But she didn't. Her red stained muzzle twisted into a wry smile as her eyes softened. "Come on," she jerked her head off towards a clearing where the forest line broke. "This way."

I followed her because I was hers, I was always hers. The small band of others I detected much earlier in my foray into the unknown forest had turned out to be some humans and aliens, she was among them. But now that I had arrived, she said that they weren't needed. That we could leave. Because the world had changed. It wasn't the one humans wanted, and it wasn't the one the aliens wanted either. It was new. But it was still frightening. It was still unstable. But we would be fine. Even though I never knew her name, because that's not how the new world worked. It was different. But her and I would make it.

 

And when I woke up from that dream, I was angry. There was no inherent reason for the anger, especially coming off what I would normally consider to be a really cool dream. I was just absolutely fucking pissed off. I get into work and it's not any better, I can feel myself just ready to snap at every single small thing that comes my way that I'm normally absolutely chill about. And the only thing I can think of that explains it is the dream. But what in the dream? What could possibly explain this unbridled rage? 

 

Her.

 

This low guttural growl and blood stained face. 

 

I immediately ping Rarity, she's the only one up that early (it's not even 7am at work by this point). She agrees with me that there's no way I'm dealing with this at work, at my desk, right now. We emergency wake up Sharky in an effort to just tamp this down, because a half-whispered voice at night last month is very different than a full-on "I'm feeling this tulpa's complete emotional range" while at work nonetheless. It scared me. Rarity and Sharky were able to talk with me a bit about this. It's not them, that they knew. This other thoughtform, as you put it AB, is just...there. I felt her so strongly on Friday. On and off, throughout the day, but I've just been...ignoring her since. She comes through with a laugh, something cold, and hollow-sounding. Occasionally speaking to me, nothing ever threatening, just..."What are you so afraid of?" Always with some sarcastic or aggressive overtone. Sharky and Rarity shrink back, they acknowledge her existence. She is something real. And I know she's...with me. She's not against me. It's more that she's...aggressively protective, and temperamental, and vicious. It doesn't exactly frighten me or Sharky and Rarity, it's just...unsettling. It's unexpected. And so I've just been trying to ignore her. But is that healthy for me, mentally speaking? If this is a tulpa, one that, I guess, a dream created (?) then shouldn't she...have a right to exist? Or should I open up more to her, try to find out what her deal is? Why she's so fucking angry and aggressive? I feel like I've only just started getting a handle on how I share my mind with Sharky and Rarity, and I've gotten very very comfortable to that whole arrangement. And now there's this? I don't even know who or what she is. I don't even have her name. Just this...deep laughter.

 

I think the conversation, as Rarity always tells me, just needs to swing to the "What do you want? What are you comfortable with?" And I'm historically bad with that line of questioning. But the fact that Rara and Sharky both shrink away into a corner when she shows up just doesn't give me a lot of confidence in handling the matter. I'm...a little at a loss. I don't know what I'm to do.

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