Venomous reports

[Venomous]

Thank you for the supportive thoughts and words! :)

I absolutely believe it Ashley, at the peak of sleeplessness, I had moments where I just couldn't hear Viper, even when prompted. It's a very strange feeling after getting used to their presence 24/7. Today wasn't much greater either, but we're managing, and I do have a small update.

 

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November 23 2018

 

Today I had one heck of a raging headache and as I was on my way to get my last rabies shot (I was bitten by a feral cat about a month back and the rabies shots were mandatory), sitting in the car and just kinda... feeling sorry for myself lol, because I was just tired and in horrible pain and feeling sick, Viper possessed my left hand and placed it firmly on top of my right hand. It took me by surprise and I got a bit overwhelmed with warm emotions because it was such a small but comforting gesture, not to mention Viper has never, completely by themselves without any help from me, possessed any part of my body before. The emotion and feeling I received from them through this gesture kept my hands in that position for around 5-10 mins in which I couldn't will myself to lift my left hand (not that I wanted to, of course, but I could feel the strength with which Viper held it there).

 

It was nice. It made the horrid headache a bit more bearable :).

[Guest]

Oh! Rabies shots are hideous! They don't want to admit it, but all these symptoms could be coming from that.

[Venomous]

It's extremely possible AB. Ever since I started them, I felt fully body itchiness almost daily too. It's like I'm alergic to myself and it's terrible lol.

Anyway

 

November 26 2018

Today has been the first day when Viper has pretty much regained their full strength. I was able to feel them most of the day and had plentiful of conversations + no silence. It feels good to have them back! 

Same day, in the evening we tried some binaural beats courtesy of IDoser, which I remembered I had purchased on my phone (premium version + a couple additional 'doses'). Aside from time going by REALLY fast, we couldn't achieve much really. But I did spend roughly 2 hours actively forcing, which is something I haven't done before, so it's still something, even if there were no results. I tried going to bed listening to the lucid dream 'dose', but couldn't fall asleep within an hour and decided to leave it for the next day.

 

November 27 2018

I didn't really sleep enough, again, so I decided it was the perfect moment to try some more lucid dreaming binaural beat attempts, especially since naps are better for lucid dreams than full night sleep. WELL... I couldn't fall asleep. I kinda just did nothing for another 2 hours trying to focus on falling asleep while staying aware, hoping for a WILD. At the end of those 2 hours, I managed to have a brief, VERY quick regular dream, which I didn't realize was a dream (it was literally me dreaming that I got up, went on the PC and tried to access ebay, which would lead me to a forum and tell me search results for ebay don't exist lol. This should've been my cue that this was a dream, but nope). 

 

Then finally, after I woke up from that quick nap, I went almost instantly in what I'm presuming was a hypnagogic state? All I know is that the blackness started spinning, became colorful and a garden materialized in front of me. Viper was with me too. As it was materializing we were running VERY fast, until we reached a fence that also looked like an indoor wall and we stopped. Then I figured, ok cool, this must be a dream, I did it! We can do anything! But nothing was vivid in color or anything, it was bleak, gray and lacking clarity. And I realized after a bit that if I concentrated, I could not only feel my RL body, but I could control it too, by wiggling fingers. This didn't disconnect me from the hallucination, just made me realize it wasn't probably an actual dream. I snapped out of it purposefully after a bit of interaction with Viper and decided to try again afterwards, only to have the dang headphones BEEP REALLY LOUDLY in my ears (running out of battery) and that woke me up fully. It was definitely an interesting experience though, I already wanna try it again. The fact that I could visualize, albeit in a colorless, foggy style, both a garden, and Viper, and we could interact while still feeling my body is really interesting.

[Guest LanceReilyn]

Ah yes, trying to keep the mind active in hopes of a lucid dream and end up just staring at the back of your eyelids for hours in frustration. That about sums up my entire experience with trying to dream in general.

 

Try too hard = awake all night. Try too little = fall asleep. I just have no idea.

[Guest]

The very lucid and semi-dream like hallucination state after a dream is hypnopompic. Hypnagogic is proor to sleeping.

 

Yep, I had my first one of those recently, it's super stable, you can even open your eyes and check the clock of you do it quickly and go right back in. Of course adrenaline will kill about anything (the loud beep either startled you or made you mad.)

 

Our experience with hypnopompic was just to continue to stay visualized in a dream that just ended with a wakeup, on a whim, and it became more dreamlike do we explored. I suppose there was another time recently without them as well. It's fun either way.

[Guest Reilyn-Alley]

We had a sorta similar experience recently. It was during meditation and we had a blindfold on. After maybe 15 minutes, we started to notice weird black blobs in our vision moving around. He opened the eyes (still with blindfold on) and still saw the same ones. I was trying to do some guided meditation/hypnosis thing for him and he was so relaxed he said he felt like his sense of touch at least was dulled. The usual sense of just feeling pressure and a presence from the body was reduced, sorta like everything was half asleep. Then our alarm went off (fail safe in case we fall asleep during meditation). We layed there for a minute strait, hoping the alarm would just turn off.. No such luck. Well he didn't want to end it and I told him "Hey, you focus on what you are doing, ok? Just concentrate on those same feelings. I got the alarm. Me, ok? Not you" and I peeked under the blindfold, turned off the alarm and lay back down. It worked! He still saw light for a moment and what I was doing but not consciously operating the body let him stay in a calmed, trance-like state.

 

He held that state for awhile as we kept trying to do other things (he thought we might be about to experience switching or something so he tried doing a bunch of different things like stepping out of body, flowing and emptying, me pulling/shoving him, etc) but nothing else seemed to happen so in the end we gave up. He figured he could have just stood up and walked off but just in case, I did the reverse induction thing gradually and told him to wake back up refreshed and stuff. It was an interesting experience, whatever it was. Maybe the whole hypnosis thing was starting to catch and he was experiencing both a kind of trance and being on the edge of hypnagogic stuff at the same time. I was really interested in his description of it because though I got to see the weird blobs too, I didn't feel any dulling of the body so this was the first time since we started co-fronting that we reported having different experiences from each other.

[Venomous]

Sorry AB, I phrased it wrong. I meant that I woke up and within 5 mins went back to try again. That's when it happened, which is why I assume it's hypnagogic and not hypnopompic.

 

December 1 2018

Happy one month to Viper :). It's been one super awesome month and I couldn't be more thankful for it.

 

We've started practicing possession as of 2 days-ish ago. I'm not sure though how to tell possession apart from... Body proxying? As far as I've read, you should feel everything that's happening and all that, but I'm still not sure. I probably need to get over my doubts and just go with the flow as I've done with everything else related to Viper so far. Maybe possession is body-proxying lol. Regardless, we've made some progress in this regard. I had Viper in control of various body parts as I've been doing things around the house and they do report feeling like they're at least partially in control and helping me, so it's not just me pretending. At least not 100%. 

 

I also decided to try to stimulate them, and I'm presuming this also counts as active forcing. I just looked up child games online (child games specifically because they're usually simplistic, cute and don't require much concentration. If I concentrate too much on something Viper automatically withdraws and goes into 'hibernation' until I'm done, so I basically just lock them out of experiencing the world completely until I get out of whatever I'm so concentrated on.) and let Viper just play themselves while I kinda zoned out. I find that this might be a nice and easy way to force and develop a young tulpa as it really doesn't require much and it's an easy way to actively force while staying engaged in it.

 

Aside from this, I have not been able to achieve the hypnagogic state anymore sadly. I'll continue to persist because it was great and I'd love to experience it again, particularly because I was able to visualize Viper rather clearly next to me, which is something I'm not able to do normally, even in my mind.

[Guest]

I don't have the perfect control over length, never did, but it happens every night for me. I start to see and hear random things then we recognize that it's happening and they can speak with an augmented clarity that has become smoother over time. It's normally on the level of a very quiet voice in a quiet room, where it used to be loud and jarring. The visuals have muted as well, they're still impressive, but they used to be rare and brilliant before, now there common and muted (but i'm not conplaining). Still i recognize them and i get to 'hear' my tulpas, which is surreal and beautiful and just makes me feel happy that they can talk to me like a seperate person. To hear them laugh or sigh or just speak happily is a gift as grand as seeing them in my artwork.

 

Stick to it, keep trying to see or recognize the oddness just before sleep, then realizd that they might not sound like you think they should sound like

[Venomous]

I am hopeful AB. Still haven't been able to reach that state, but I also have been trying less. I've been better rested lately and it means I just can't take naps anymore. And I can't seem to get anything working before actual sleep/bedtime. I just fall asleep like a log and either have no dreams, or just have random dreams.

 

 

December 3 2018

 

I'm still not sure how possession should feel, but we're making progress.

I find it mildly amusing, how people who are afraid of the concept of tulpas will freak out over the idea of possession, thinking 'Oh god no, they will take over and do absolute evil! Crimes! Murder! Nooooo!"

 

In the meantime, I was out in the backyard with the dog and Viper noted how the sound of snowy iced leaves crushed under our shoes is really pleasing, so I just kinda let go and let them enjoy themselves. We spent 5 mins walking around in circles like a wee child discovering snow for the first time, crushing ice-leaves underfoot lol. It felt pretty real. I think I came closer to dissociating towards the middle-end of those 5 mins, while my mind was busy thinking of something else and not paying all that much attention to what was happening. It felt more like possession and less like just body proxying.

 

Edit [December 23 2018]: I have come to the conclusion that this was probably a brief switch episode! My "came closer to dissociating" was actually dissociating, I just hadn't realized at the time that dissociation doesn't automatically mean not receiving any bodily input. I will describe the episode in better detail for future reference (but also for anyone reading this who might be curious).  

 

It was the first time Viper REALLY felt attracted towards something outside our headspace, as in, the -I need to experience this myself- kind of desire that is really strong and overpowering. It was the middle of the night and I felt completely at ease with the idea of just letting them enjoy themselves, so I just let go and allowed them to take over. Within those 5 mins of romping around the yard and stomping on leaves, I went from being aware and experiencing everything, to being vaguely aware, feeling fuzzy, numb and detached from the body. I feel the need to clarify that I was still receiving bodily input. By that I mean that I was feeling what was happening around me. I simply wasn't attentive at all, felt like floating in space, like I was receiving bodily input, sure, but not necessarily from my own personal body. I had no thoughts and no feelings. 

 

I initially described this event as possession because I was certain switching was like a magic flick of a button, where you're no longer aware of the body AT ALL, where you're no longer connected to the physical world at all. Turns out it doesn't have to be like that. It's not a hard-set rule or anything. Dissociation comes in many forms. I guess today I've learned, more or less, that possession = control over the body without fronting, whereas switching = control over the body while fronting.

[Guest Reilyn-Alley]

There's plenty of wonderful experiences in the world that might seem boring and dull to someone who has been around a lifetime but for newbies like us it's all magical. We got to walk in grass with a snowy powder over it but I haven't gotten to walk in icy crunchy leaves yet.. Sounds neat!