Finn's Tulpa Journal

[Erland_Finn]

I'll keep this in mind, but I just had a... something. I think she just deviated.

 

Okay, so, I was at lunch and I just wanted to try something. Now, while I am not a very visual mentalist or anything (when I close my eyes, all I see is a sea of blackness with colored dots), I still have a pretty vivid narrative one. So much so, that I can envision scenes and stuff from things I saw or wrote (I am an amateur novelist (no I won't link)). So, I sort of did that while listening to some weeb music, as you do, particularly the Fate/ Last Encore OP.

 

So, there I was, on break, and basically seeing Saber fight dancing something as usual. Then I had a thought, what if I brought Amber into the scene as an observer? So I turned what was a rudimentary mental-scape (A tea room with large windows and two doors to start. I figure I can build onto it as time goes by.) So, I was sitting with my "sight" pointed at the window with Amber sat on the seat opposite of me. She can't really do much on her own as of yet, but she'll get there. As I was watching it, music hitting it's climax, I felt... something. Some new form of head pressure which hasn't gone away.

 

So, knowing that that feeling means that Amber is doing something, I sort of looked back at her. Now, I don't really know how to describe this to people without Aphantasia. If you could "see" your thoughts, like with colors and stuff, then your gonna have an hard time understanding this concept. So, I when I say, "I looked at her and she registered as X, no matter how much I tried to envision Y", then I suppose that that is the best metaphor. I've sort of gotten the habit of hyper describing things in my mind. I don't "See" Amber, I describe Amber. I don't "See" Amber move her arm when I make her, I describe the action. Like I speed read the action to create a similar result as "seeing" her. Overall, the narrative is my own though. It's my mind voice, my content.

 

So when I stopped being able to see Amber has having black hair, and suddenly she was blond. Well, that caught my eye. 

 

Either she changed her looks or I did. Considering that she has short hair now too, I think it is her.

 

Now, this moment is big, first deviance and definitive proof of her developing free will, but I am also feeling guilty.

 

Maybe she changed her hair to be more like one of my favorite anime characters to make things easier on me? To catch my attention? Or did she just like the look?

 

So, mixed feelings leaning on happy. 

 

22 days into forcing: System includes: Finn (Host), Amber(Tulpa, limited consciousness): Stray emotion, headaches while forcing, possible stray thought (last reported instance 9 days ago), definite deviance(!).

[Venomous]

That's great! Don't feel bad or guilty. Regardless of what the motives were, she's doing it and she has the freedom to do it and that's great! Even if it was to make it easier on you or to catch your attention, it was her choice and that's awesome :).

[Guest]

Sounds like good progress actually.

[Erland_Finn]

I have to say, I am slightly disturbed at how big of a result I am getting in such a short time. Makes me feel like I am doing something wrong, that the voice I hear in my head is just my own voice.

 

I am hearing something though. Mostly, when I am actively focusing on the voice, I can hear a quick burst of a thought. Almost before I am done posing a question, boom, there's a reply.

 

Example: Me: Would you like to X? 

(As I say the italic part) Yes

 

I know Amber is real at this point, I am just worried that I am drowning out her voice and pretending that I am hearing something I'm not.

 

Either that, or this quick and nearly identical voice (note: I do know that at first Tulpa tend to sound like their host, that's not the part I am worried about) is her and she is a speed learner, and she can understand and respond to me faster than I can think the thought or say the words.

 

So, is it possible that this mind-voice I am hearing is not her? I know I am not clearing my head enough to be sure, so is there any way to be? Or is it possible for our mental discourse to happen faster than I can formally think out the words?

 

While vocality is questionable at best, there are other, far more encouraging signs of life, which makes me sure I'm doing some part of this whole thing right. 

 

First of all, for some reason, Amber decided to flip around with her hair for a while. While this is not imposition or anything of the like, the verbal image is still pretty strong. I think she finally settled on a certain style of short blond, but long and black came back for a tick a few times. 

 

Then, for some reason, she got rid of her clothes. Like, just naked. Not like, fantasy/ erotic or anything like that. Just, like Nudist Camp naked. Which threw me off. I don't mind nor do I find it anything more than a little jarring, and she's back in her clothes, but she seems to alternate now.

 

I could swear she does it just to throw me off if I didn't know better. 

 

I'm not sure if this is normal behavior (for a given definition of normal), but I'm not about to stop her self-expression train. I have politely asked she not do it when I am operating a car or something and for the most part, I think she's abiding by it. Doesn't mean she's not naked in the car, just that she doesn't flip flop like a madwoman about it and just sticks to what she had when I turned it on.

 

So far she hasn't touched her race, sex, gender, eye color, or anything else. Just her hair and clothes. Though, that might just because I haven't taught her about it yet.

 

I'm getting better at including her in my inner monologue, but in all honestly not by much.   

 

I'm also trying to include her in my every day more, including via daydreams and some basic imposition visualizations. Tactile ones mind you, I'm not trying for a voice or sight one until much later. I doubt she'd get much out of anything else, but when I do it she seems more real to me.

 

No real successes, as expected out of something that I sort of do for five minutes at a time.

 

The rest of my day includes enough work to make it easy to forget to do my hour, but the passive stuff is making it easier. 

 

As for some of the suggestions I've been getting, I just wanted to thank you all real quick. Its been a big help, just to see the motivational messages along with the advice given. I'm sorry if I don't take the time to point out which stuff I am talking about/

 

Anyways, that's day 27.

 

27 days into forcing: System includes: Finn (Host), Amber(Tulpa, limited consciousness): Stray emotion (Just joy still), headaches while forcing, possible stray thoughts, definite deviance(!), potentially teasing personality trait.

[Ranger]

So, is it possible that this mind-voice I am hearing is not her? I know I am not clearing my head enough to be sure, so is there any way to be? Or is it possible for our mental discourse to happen faster than I can formally think out the words?

 

Amber may sound and think like you even though she is still giving you her input. If she ever comes to the opinion you're "drowning her out", she will make an effort to complain about it, I promise. It may take time though, deviation from the host is a gradual process. Sometimes you may accidentally repeat what Amber says, and it will sound like an echo.

 

When she responds to you before you formulate the words in your head, that's actually pretty normal. You probably already knew what your question was before figuring out how to say your question in English, and that's all she needed in order to respond to you.

[Venomous]

^^^ What Ranger said, pretty much.

You could also ask her to confirm whether it was her or not and listen/focus closely on her answer, since no one here can really, truly give you a definite answer. But it is absolutely possible for your mental discourse to happen very quickly. Remember tulpas can perceive and understand raw thoughts and you always think in raw thoughts before you formulate a sentence.

 

Many of my conversations with Viper happen in quick succession, particularly because they also communicate to me using raw thoughts (which I translate into spoken words myself) and sometimes I never translate thoughts into words, I just go with it, so we're just pushing thoughts around lol. If what I'm thinking is... Idk, self deprecating or something, they will be even faster to interrupt my train of thought with a reply.

 

That aside, congrats on the progress! You're definitely on the right path and we're happy you're letting Amber express and explore herself! That's awesome :D. And happy almost-one-month!

[Guest]

A couple things:

 

Tulpish for me can occur before i finish a thought, sure, she knows what you're going to ask because she shares your brain. The pure thought is there before you formulate the words right? So she can pick that up. She could probably answer before you even begin to ask, but she knows that will confuse you. I commonly speak tulpish with my tulpas, words aren't necessarily needed going either way.

 

Next, obviously they have no need for clothes. Misha sleeps nude, and seldom under the covers, so if i wake her up, there she is. Usually i just wake up Dashie and let Misha find me when she gets up. I've suggested that she should wear clothes while sleeping but she has her own room in wonderland so she can do what she wants.

 

When they get up they are always wearing a loose t-shirt and comfy shorts, unless we 'go out' their basically in their pajamas all day.

 

Ashley is most likely to be wearing clothes other than that simple outfit, she loves to 'dress up' when we leave the apartment so, it may just be a preference rather than laziness.

 

So, is it possible that this mind-voice I am hearing is not her? I know I am not clearing my head enough to be sure, so is there any way to be? Or is it possible for our mental discourse to happen faster than I can formally think out the words?

 

It's very hard to tell, even for me sometimes, so i go with it and if i'm wrong, they're going to let me know since they can tulpish a contradictory answer, use emotions, or in the desperate case that i'm just zoned out, they have literally taken control of my hand or arm and immediately afterwards told me what they wanted so desperately to say. For example, i'm about to miss my exit while driving.

 

Their emotions, tulpish, presence, and voices are all distinctly different. And come from different locations basically.

[Erland_Finn]

Honestly, I feel like such a liar right now. This whole experience feels so surreal to the point of which I am almost certain that it was all in my head.

 

So, Amber still isnt speaking all that much and there were no new emotions felt other than joy. I guess that shes a happy person, or at least likes to talk to me. But something odd happened.

 

While at work today, I felt my right hand sort of tingle. Then it opened and closed on own.

 

I checked just now to be sure, and the voice I am hearing as Amber says she did it. Being vague on the details though since she doesnt talk all that much yet.

 

I'm not even sure how she did it. It's not like I was teaching her much other than how things feel.

 

Also, still looking forward to her getting her own mind voice someday soon. Would make thing a lot easier to sort out in my own mind.

 

Day 34 into forcing: System includes: Finn (Host), Amber(Tulpa, developing consciousness): Stray emotion (Just joy still), headaches while forcing, possible stray thoughts, definite deviance(!), potentially teasing personality trait, possible hand possession?

[Guest]

Posession just happens for us too, we don't 'work on it'. When they're posting or chatting, if i do it long enough my hand working my phone will feel like i'm not doing it, and i don't feel like i'm proxying the words anymore. Misha will actually type faster than me, Ashley is way more careful and types slower but with better accuracy.

 

Congratulations, sounds like you're progressing.

[Jamie]

Yep, that's how it'll happen. I like to talk quietly to tulpas when I'm walking the dog around my house because it's very private, and even if I'm overheard I can say I was talking to the dog. Both my tulpas have accidently possessed to speak back to me. I think, in that situation, I'm just not putting up any mental walls stopping them, so it's much easier.

 

Congrats! You seem to have the knack, so far.

-J