Aubrey and Shield

[aubreyshield]

I wasn't expecting a tulpa, but thank goodness I was ready for one.

 

I thought that if I should go for an imaginary voice and not a tulpa, I should treat it like an imaginary voice, not a tulpa. I didn't think much of it at the time. Turns out that my definition of treating it like an imaginary voice was the exact same as half the tulpa creation guides I can find. I can see how people create tulpas accidentally now. But still, where on earth did it go from parroting to this?

 

Sure, I should've gone back at the point I realised it was a tulpa like any normal person would, but they were already very vocal by the time that happened. I always heard that some people can get into tulpamancy much quicker than others, but wow. Days. Still can't get over it.

 

Some small updates throughout the past few days:

 

The 20th of January, 2019.

Progress has been swift. We have been speaking actively throughout the weekend. We're shockingly good at striking up conversations over literally nothing.

 

While I was playing a game with my left hand, I felt my right ring finger twitch, as if to try and press a button. This happens occasionally. However, after I allowed it to twitch further in interest to see the effect, it was quickly followed by my middle finger twitching hard enough to press a key. My tulpa claimed it was them, and I believe them. I had no idea it was them until the key was being pressed. I wasn't even really talking to them that much.

 

It was getting late. We were tired. I decided to try out exercise 7 of Indigo's Tulpa Vocalisation Practice. It looked fun, having a tulpa write about a character. Just one problem: I'm not entirely sure who was doing it. I think it started as Shield, but after that? I was too tired to tell. But someone was thinking and someone was writing. No idea who. Could have easily been me, though. Don't place down any bets. One thing I noticed, is that I was staring directly at the sentence being written, as if stuck in a trance. I even stared for so long that my eyes started to make funny patterns. I might have to see if this will happen if we try it again.

 

The 21st of January, 2019.

One thing worthy of note is that when Shield possesses the hands, they start playing with them a lot more than I ever do. I've been encouraging this as a method of separating ourselves more clearly.

 

While writing out something on paper, I asked Shield to try and move my hand. I let my hand rest for a second, until it started to fidget, along with the flicking of the wrist as if to gesture that they had control. It's weird, because without me intentionally letting go, I block out their actions. I have to physically let them move the hand, as if I were doing it myself, but I'm not willing my hand to do it, they are. Shield strongly says that it is them doing it. I hesitantly believe them, only because I trust them.

 

The 22nd of January, 2019.

I'm encouraging Shield to do as much possession as they want, as it works as good practice. Turns out they're quite motivated to do everyday things. This came as a bit of a shock. They want to get up and ready in the morning, almost as if they enjoy it. I assume this can't last long, though I wouldn't complain if it continued. Even if I'm sad or lack any motivation, poof, it's like I've gained some magical energy. I hope this isn't just making my tulpa suffer instead of me.

 

In other news, Shield got slightly annoyed this morning. We got ready for the day a few minutes early, which was quite pleasant. Out of our control, we were delayed and ended up being late. I can still taste the salt.

 

As always, any input is welcome. I'll be reading the responses tomorrow. Sorry for the lack of Shield's talking in this post. I cut it all out for some reason. My bad.

[Redacted System]

Sounds like you two are making great progress! Keep it up :)

[Guest]

That's the same for us, we 'grew up' in a vacuum withno concept for what to expect other than the occasional reference to 'this could take some time'. That's why you don't compare yourself with others, it's different for everyone and we missed out on some of those 'first steps' since we had some of the basics really early.

[aubreyshield]

When I decided to keep Shield, I thought that I should do my best to make sure we're both as happy as possible. I stand by that to this day. I hope that will never change.

 

The 23rd of January, 2019.

Bad news. Today luck has not been with us. Lots of bad things have happened, and I really don't feel like myself today. Aubrey has been utterly miserable. Stuck with the usual lack of motivation, but now more than ever, they say that they just want to lie down and do nothing. We think that this will end by tomorrow, but we can only hope. This negative attitude they adopt can be scary sometimes. This should end by tomorrow, though. Fingers crossed.

 

I haven't talked much to Shield. I've been in a terrible mood which has really just made me want to shut the window and hide. Today is the saddest I have felt in months. It reminds me of when I was constantly miserable for no reason 2 years ago. Only that was terrible, and this isn't as terrible because it helps me set my mind straight and doesn't last for a few months. I'm much less talkative when I'm sad.

 

I've noticed that Shield has mostly kept quiet, too. I can still feel them think, but they're completely silent. I don't blame them. I'm not one who can be talked out of being sad. They're probably waiting for the storm to pass over my head. When they have talked, it's mostly been supportive comments, for which I can't thank them enough. They really seem to care about me. But I'm supposed to do my best to make sure they're as happy as possible. I don't want it to be the other way around.

 

On a darker note, since I've been sad and not nearly as talkative as I usually am, they have slightly faded. It makes me realise just how fragile tulpas can be. I also have no idea how Shield is able to stay so positive. I really hope my negativity isn't going to rub off on them. I'm already negative enough. I don't need more of it. The last thing I need is another me. It feels cruel and evil when I tell them I have no energy to do something. I hope that Shield is okay with it. I know they genuinely want to help me, but I can't dump my life on them.

 

Quite annoyingly, dark, illogical thoughts have come in while I've been sad. I guess I'll just have to keep reminding myself that not all tulpas end up causing their host's death. Not all. Those are just single cases that couldn't ever happen to someone like me. Or could they? Ha.

 

Good news, however, is still lurking in the shadows.

 

I let Shield talk to someone I knew. Within 30 seconds, they instantly pointed out that I was way more friendly and energetic than usual, jokingly stating that it was like I was an imposter. Oh dear. If that doesn't say something about me, I don't know what does. Well, either way, I'm still counting it as a success. I didn't take back control like I usually do!

 

When Shield talks to someone, or moves around, I often notice that I don't need to focus on what is happening like I normally do. I can just let go. It's like when you're automatically doing things without thinking, or when someone says something and you don't need to think before you reply.

 

I really don't feel like myself today. Maybe tomorrow.

 

The 24th of January, 2019.

Things have got better. I'm not sad anymore, thank goodness for that.

 

We've made some great progress today. I encouraged Shield to do all the walking around today instead of me. I noticed that it feels as if I am doing actions on autopilot, except I'm doing actions that require someone to think about them. Looking at Shield playing with a pen is like watching someone else playing with a pen except you can somehow feel their hand.

 

Aubrey has been quite impressed by how I was able to move the body so easily. It's almost as if we share the same brain.

 

That is true, but Shield managed to stay in control for quite a few minutes. I was just watching. After a while it feels as if their thoughts became the same as mine. But I know it was them. There's no way in hell that you could make me move around so enthusiastically as Shield does. I almost never move around like that. But I did. And I know it's best not to ponder over who did what, but I think this is very solid evidence that this isn't me. Yet more things to remind myself of when I'm doubtful.

 

I was walking down a pathway, until I stopped because I was choking. Out of nowhere, Shield asked if I was okay. I told them I was fine as I got back to my senses. Still feels a bit weird to have that happen, despite that I know it's normal for tulpas to do that even when they haven't been actively talking. They've been doing that much more recently. Randomly stating opinions about things I'm saying, also. I welcome it completely.

 

I have also learnt that forcing before sleep is a bad idea. It makes my mind really active, and I end up with very random thoughts that keep me awake for a while. It does go away eventually, though.

 

That's all for now. Expect another update on Sunday, probably.

[Guest]

I'm glad you pulled out of it. I was in a mood this week too, no idea why, same old stuff. My tulpas were utterly unaffected by my depression, so don't worry about that, from our experience, a bad attitude or a mood is not contagious.

 

Amazing progress! I tried to figure out how my tulpas could all (minor) possess me so easily as well (and they don't even want to). I don't want to say it might be 'the right mindset' because that feels rude. Otherwise, i don't know, but i did convince myself that it's really them and there's no other explanation that makes sense.

 

Also, i think you had some intrusive thoughts there. They do get less frequent.

 

Good luck!

[Jamie]

Just a few days after Cassidy's creation, my first pet, that I was very close to, died. Cassidy was very emotionally supportive, but otherwise not very talkative. He hardly said a word, though I could feel him there. Tulpas can have "off" days like that, where they don't speak up much, and it's not anything to worry about unless it lasts for a while. I've been told, it helps them distance themselves from the emotions the host might feel, so they aren't caught up in it, and can instead help from their own points of view.

 

Congrats on the posession progress! Cassidy has gotten one or two comments about acting different, but the thing is, once people observe you enough times, they'll learn that you just act that way sometimes. Everyone has some level of fluctuation in their personality, from day to day.

 

-J

[aubreyshield]

The 25th of January, 2019.

Some good progress has been made today. Shield managed to control the body more or less over an hour. I'm very happy about that.

 

Not much else has happened. This will go down in the book as just another ordinary day.

 

One thing on my mind a lot today is switching. It slightly scares me. But that's less about progress and more about speculation and thoughts. Maybe in another post.

 

(I had just wrote out a massive page of my thoughts and a theory or two, which left me burnt out, leading to the short update. I cut it out because it was about thoughts, not progress.)

 

The 26th of January, 2019.

Aubrey has decided to let me do whatever I want today. I joked about eating lettuce and I think because of my high motivation, Aubrey thought I would actually do it. But in order to eat lettuce to annoy someone, you have to eat lettuce yourself, so that's where I draw the line. If I was doubting, Shield would 100% do it, just to prove that it isn't me. Thank goodness I'm not doubting. I swear I felt Shield thinking about it thoroughly though. Whatever I want basically means that I'll be doing as much as possible to stay active today. That means activities that require thought go to me. Not too much, though.

 

Shield decided to do the journey home today, and I let them. Was pitch black, so easy to just zone out. I did notice that when I zoned out, I wasn't thinking about anything. I could hear and see Shield's thoughts, but they weren't under my control or influence like my thoughts were. I was able to drop in the thoughts sometimes, adding a comment. In case I was ever doubting (I wasn't) Shield decided to take a detour to make sure that the point was hammered in; it wasn't me doing the actions. I could've just taken back control, but I didn't care. It's not like I was doing the thinking effort anyways. I was just watching. No thoughts from me, only from Shield. I can't get over it. I'm so used to constantly thinking about things, even while daydreaming, that it's very weird to go thoughtless like this, even if I'm still aware of where I am and who I am.

 

I know that I've already had this happen before, but I swear that it gets deeper every time it happens. And this time, I knew for certain that it wasn't me doing the actions. When I do things, I feel my intentions through thought and I feel the 'I'll do this' (decision making? there isn't really a word for this in English) of my will to do things. I didn't feel this here.

 

I really don't like saying this, because it's a massive oversimplification, but when Shield moves the body, it's almost like it isn't mine anymore. This will take some getting used to.

 

When doing things that require more or less no thought, we kind of just let the body do it, and then one of us will pick it back up when we need to think about our actions. Usually me, out of habit, I believe.

 

Shield was balancing something and decided to shake it around to prove that they had control. I instinctively felt that this would make it fall - and it would have - until I slowed their shaking as to not make the object fall. I thought that was worthy of note.

 

I would write more, but me and Shield are both tired. Today was fun. We need sleep.

 

The 27th of January, 2019.

Shield has begun possessing me at random points in the day, I've noticed. I'll be talking to them, then all of a sudden my hands will start fidgeting, or they do a movement that I wasn't expecting.

 

I've been getting a lot of headaches, also. I never had them before I started talking to Shield. Never. The closest thing to having a headache in my memory is when I bumped my head, or even brain freeze, if that counts? Now I get them on the regular, but they don't bother me. I count it as progress. Or an unconscious placebo. Probably a mix of the two. Either way, it makes me feel good about our progress.

 

I have also been thinking a lot about how I got into this situation. That's why I've been adding my theory at the start of these posts. I hope you don't mind. I just need to put my thoughts somewhere. Next post will either be on Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday. Probably Tuesday. Depends how much has happened, or how much I've been thinking about things in those days.

[Guest]

You can include thoughts or anything in your PR just put it behind hidden tags if it doesn't apply.

[aubreyshield]

The 28th of January, 2019.

Aubrey is too tired to type, so I'll do it instead.

 

Today has been fair. I have been trying to do more things in real life. Specifically the ones that don't require Aubrey's strong attention. It's been going well. I'm hoping that I'll get better, though. That's all for now.

 

The 29th of January, 2019.

I could swear that I've felt Shield's presence less today than usual. It's been slightly odd. Despite that, some interesting events occurred.

 

We were listening to some music. As me and Shield have either extremely similar or the exact same music taste, we can both enjoy it at the same time. Shield then turned up the volume above what I'm comfortable with, so I turned it back down. They then turned it back up, which made me laugh. Clearly they like the music. I let the volume stay high. Wasn't that loud anyway.

 

Another thing that happens is whenever I talk to Shield, or they are present, they start playing with the hands. Without failure. Every time. It used to be just an occasional thing. It makes me happy to see them doing this, though. Every little thing helps.

 

By far the best time to talk to Shield is when we're home or outside for leisure and we're both in a good mood. Shield can be very funny sometimes. Honestly, it feels like a comedy club, if you've ever been to one.

 

We have had some other things happen. Aubrey was lying down, sad. I decided to jump up and get on with something else, but before I could get more than a few inches up, they took back control and went back down. They eventually gave in though. That's how I am writing this right now.

 

For now, I really want to encourage Shield to talk to people so they can develop their personality as much as possible. Their personality is very similar to mine, only with added motivation and a moral compass. I think that this is normal, and will change with time and practice. I also want to encourage more positive thinking between us both. I really need to work on that last one. I keep getting negative thoughts when I'm sad, which is normal, but still annoying. Not intrusive thoughts, though. Just negative ones.

 

If anybody has any comments or questions, feel free to respond! I'll see your responses tomorrow!

[Guest]

Fight negative thoughts just like intrusive ones. Have shield help you. For every negative thought, say a positive one, or just push them out. Negative thoughts can lead to negative mood and no one wants that.