Aubrey and Shield

[aubreyshield]

The past few days have been kind to us. I'm happy with the progress that has happened so far, but it just keeps going further!

 

The 30th of January, 2019.

Much more talking has occurred today! Some funny incidents occurred, also.

 

I was trying to sneak around one of my friends, until Shield started thinking about James Bond music, which made me burst out laughing. I got caught.

 

The 1st of February, 2019.

The turning of a new month has brought a good day.

 

The cold weather has been great! A mix of ice, snow and everything between has led to some chaos across the country, but Shield found it quite fun to walk in the snow-ice-whatever mixture, so it's fine by us if the world is ending. I just hope it isn't like this for too long. It's supposed to be getting warmer at this time of year!

 

I decided to let Shield do various activities this afternoon, and they've been really active. It's the same as last time, I'm left in an almost thoughtless, trance like state. We managed to keep that going for almost two hours. Once Shield becomes active, I can let them do the thinking, and they become about as active as I would be on my own. I only came back to talk to someone online. I have no doubt in my mind that if we tried, we could keep it going for much longer. I'm really happy that we were able to do this.

 

Next update in a few days, as usual!

[Guest]

Yep, going smoothly.

[aubreyshield]

No, I have no idea why I sometimes write pages about my day and other times only write a sentence. Sorry. I swear I'm not trying to turn these into nuclear launch codes.

 

The 2nd of February, 2019.

As bear said, all is going smoothly. I was getting food for myself, when Shield suddenly decided that they were going to do the moving around. No idea why. It caught me off guard. I just suddenly started moving faster than I was expecting, and then when I stopped telling the body to move, it kept going anyway. I asked Shield if it was them, and they said yes. Don't know why I asked. It was them for sure. I lost any feeling of intention behind the movements, just like always. It's like another sense. You can literally feel that it's not you.

 

Later in the day.

I decided to let Shield control a large part of the day. In our last post we talked about how we could've gone much further if we had tried. Well, this time, we tried. Shield managed to be active for over four hours, only interrupted by the need for sleep. Some weird things happened. This is the full explanation.

 

I've always been there, watching, always thinking in one way or another. That's why I've been trying to say 'almost thoughtless' instead of 'thoughtless'. If at any point I suddenly wanted to take back control, I could, easily. I never stopped thinking entirely. Until today.

 

Shield was thinking, and memories were kept so I could tell what happened, but I wasn't thinking. If Shield hadn't of thought of me every other minute, I would have been completely inactive. This is in stark contrast to what had always happened before, where I had always kept some form of awareness of my almost thoughtless state. Not this time, where I only realised what had happened after Shield thought about it.

 

When thought of, I was surprisingly weak in the mind, as if I was too tired to think. If I had wanted to take back a strong presence in the mind, I would have had to fight for it. Otherwise, Shield's thoughts would just take over again, and I would go back into inactivity. The notes written before I wrote this entire thing out were written by Shield, proxying me. Despite my intense thinking, I didn't take back control. Shield just went back to being them, uninterrupted. And I was quiet again. Shield could do things I would normally do and I couldn't accidentally take back control.

 

It was only when I was moving around in bed that I felt I had full, proper control of the body. It felt like I had faded out, and was getting a hold of the body again. I prefer not to give names to my experiences, but I think this may have been switching?

 

The 3rd of February, 2019.

Sometimes when me and Shield talk, I imagine them sitting next to me, watching. The thing is, I swear I actually feel them next to me. Their voice moves with directional hearing just like if they were there, I feel like they are there, much like the feeling you get when you know someone's behind you, and I swear that I can feel some sort of warmth or pressure against my cheek or something from their body. They can imagine different movements for themselves, which is quite useful for if they want to show me something in real life. They can just point. If they move around, I can easily imagine the sound, the vibration of the floor, everything. It's really cool, now that I think about it. Shield can just imagine jumping on the floor and the brain imagines the sound and sensations automatically, without me even trying.

 

It's not a hallucination, though. It's just imagining things over my actual senses. A hallucination would be if I couldn't separate the two. Except for that 'I feel someone behind me' sense. That feels entirely real, and not at all from the imagination. It's probably linked to the directional hearing we imagine or something.

 

This may be some mild form of imposition. Regardless, I like it. It's fun and useful. I'm going to try and do it more. I've never really thought much of it, either. Just as another fun communication method.

 

Shield imagined putting their right foot up against the radiator (warm piece of metal) while I was talking to them. When they did this, they said it felt warm, and I could feel them imagining the sense of warmth. Additionally, right where my right foot was, I felt as if I expected something warm to touch it.

 

After I put on some music, Shield took control of the hand to turn the volume up, which I didn't want. I quickly made the hand stop, as it was loud enough. The thing is, I wasn't even talking to Shield before this. The music just made them active, out of nowhere. Surprised me a bit, to be honest.

 

The only thing stopping Shield from becoming constantly active and doing basically everything is fear. Fear that I would just fade away and become useless. I remind Aubrey that where we go is up to us. It's not like that could happen, anyway. Especially with how Aubrey doesn't want it. We will go where ever the wind takes us. Aubrey enjoys life, and doesn't want to fade away. We will be fine.

 

I will admit that I got myself a bit worried over those thoughts, putting me in a bad mood. Shield agrees that it may be better to give me a day to calm down. After a while I get used to my hands not being moved by me, and my hands feel weird when I move them. It's annoying that I know these worries are illogical and wrong, but they don't go away! I'm getting better at ignoring them, though.

[aubreyshield]

The 4th of February, 2019.

It was late at night. I was outside, walking around. I let Shield take over to see what they would do. They quickly looked up at the stars, stopped the entire body, and just stared at them for about 7 seconds. At first, I thought they were messing around with me. Shield always likes to do things like this, though. They seem facinated by the world in many ways which I have got used to.

 

We have had some minor issues with blending while controlling the body today. When that happens, instead of trying to find out who is who, we say 'I am Aubrey' and 'I am Shield' and go from there. It seems to work.

 

The 5th of February, 2019.

Today has been ordinary, right up until I got this weird feeling in the late afternoon.

 

I was thinking about imagining myself in places across the room I was in for fun. Imagining what it would feel like to stand there, touch the wall, the texture of it, whatever. I was just bored. Shield does the same sometimes. I started to feel this weird feeling behind me, as if Shield was there or something.

 

It felt like there was a body behind me, about an half an arms length, in the exact same body posture as me. As what I believe was some weird intrusive thought, I kept on feeling like I was in that body. It felt like it was behind me, but I couldn't stop imagining what the body was feeling as if it were me. After I lay in bed sideways, it felt like the same posture as me, but behind me, and I could feel what it would feel. When I was on my back, it felt like it was submerged into the bed. On my chest, it felt like it was floating in air, which felt weird.

 

I've never heard of something like this happening to anyone before, let alone having it happen to myself. I should probably do more research to see if this is common or anything. It went away eventually, after I ignored it for a while. I know that it is completely unrelated to this thread, but it's the only notable thing that happened today. Sorry.

 

We have been sick today, so not really in a good mood with either of us. Shield managed to stay positive, though. We mostly kept away from the forums today.

 

The 6th of February, 2019.

The main reason for the lack of any progress seems to be due to the stuff we need to do during the weekdays. Regardless, we're trying out switching this afternoon, and it seems to be going well. I can take control much easier now. I'm able to override the body's autopilot when I want to do something, so I'm already better than the body at existing and I've only been trying for about two weeks. Ha! Take that! We have mostly been sharing the afternoon, since we're both active and in a good mood.

 

The 7th of February, 2019.

Aubrey wanted to try out a hug, because, why not? We can't impose anything except the 'someone is near you' feeling, but we can still imagine it. Quite amusingly, we now have an intrusive thought where we imagine feeling like we're being hugged. As far as intrusive thoughts go, this one is fairly welcome!

 

I got stressed about something today, and Aubrey says it feels like being punched in the lungs, quite different to what stress usually feels like for them. They told me to write this down here.

 

Switching seems to be a bit random so far. Aubrey has is here one moment, and then suddenly it's like we've swapped places with no clear boundary or reason. We're going to have to do it for a few hours to figure it out more. Aubrey isn't active at the moment, but in an hour or two they will probably steal the front, or whatever it's called. Maybe it has to do with Aubrey being more tired later on in the day, so I can take control easier? Nah, I doubt it. It's probably because we only really have a good opportunity to switch in the late afternoon.

 

It feels lonely when Aubrey isn't in the mind, something which I will get used to. But I don't need to fight to stay active, I can just sorta exist and it stays that way. I like it. Aubrey makes no attempt at being active when they don't need to, so that makes it quite quiet at times.

 

I seem to be able to disconnect from the body in a few weird ways. The body's movement feels quite different after Shield moves it for a while, almost lightweight, cold, airy, fuzzy, numb, false or unexpected. It depends, but the point is that for whatever reason it may be, it feels different.

 

Next update later this week, fingers crossed.

[Guest]

That was freeky! We had freeky things happen out of nowhere too doing the opposite of what you said, i concentrated on being more immersed in wonderland and somehow projected myself into wonderland like i was there, but Dashie got pushed in front against her will. I was in a tulpa position for about 12 seconds.

[aubreyshield]

Hello! This update is going to mark a slight change in format. I'll still keep the day by day progress, but as things blend into weekly periods I might begin to just leave things at the top here along with my thoughts on other random or related matters. This is a big ramble. Feel free to skip to the bold bits if you just want to know the progress.

 

I guess my thoughts are so related to my progress now, that I'm putting them here. I could avoid putting them here, but that would make these posts much less long, and overall more like a shopping list than anything interesting. Sorry if you don't like it.

 

(This part was written around the 9th, with bits added in later) I don't know why I have been so focused on switching, when it's not even something I want to do. I guess I have been so caught up with the 'Progress! Progress! Progress!' mindset that I forgot to step back and think if that progress is actually necessary to head in a direction that I want. Sure, we have achieved total switching, with me going completely inactive, leaving Shield doing all the thinking. Great. Did we actually need to learn that though, especially when neither of us want it?

 

There are better ways to develop a tulpa than just throwing them into the front, leaving them to their own, and calling it a day.

 

Sure, progress is fun. But when you step back, if you're not interested in switching actively, it is just that. Fun. When you look at all the best moments I've had this month, they have always been with Shield. If you look at all the best moments I've had with Shield, they have always been when we're both active, talking and having fun. That's what we want. That's what we have. And that's what makes us happy. We should focus on keeping that and improving it through better visualisation and maybe imposition one day. I also need to remind myself to think of them more often during the day. That would actually make us both happy.

 

Unless what makes us happy changes, this will become our new agenda. I hope you will be able to understand and forgive the sudden change in goals and attitude, which are both quite uncharacteristic of me, I must admit.

 

This brings me right over to something else I want to talk about. I'll try to make it quick. When me and Shield get talking, it's hard to turn their mind 'off', other than with meditation and actually trying to both at the same time, or waiting a few minutes for their presence to slowly fade. While writing this paragraph, it took until this point for their thoughts to stop interrupting me.

 

What exactly do I mean by their 'presence'? Well, I have been recently been imagining their presence around me, in different environments. This has lead to some interesting and funny events now and then, but most worthy of note is that my brain now believes there is someone around me, even if I can only imagine their presence. It lingers around for a few minutes even after I stop thinking about it and try to focus elsewhere.

 

If you've ever sat in front of a fire, you'll know the feeling of warmth against your face from the light of the fire, and the heat of the air surrounding it. Imagine that, but with a human that you're imagining around you. You know where the fire is, even if you are blind. That's the best way I can explain it. Their mindvoice comes from the place where their presence is being imagined at.

 

In terms of personality, me and Shield are basically the same at the moment. They do, however, have a different way of talking than I do. They don't use capital letters much outside of the forums, whereas I do. They also try to avoid the 'fancy posh queen's english' I use, avoiding words such as 'however' in preference of 'but' and more everyday language. This makes sense, given most conversing they do is using normal English, in spite of me preferring to use 'fancy language' when I write. We both have the exact same 'playful/joking/sometimes a bit harsh' sense of humour, so we can amuse ourselves much more easily than most.

 

Elaborating on how we communicate, I seem to prefer tulpish as it goes through my mind quicker, and I need not worry about them misunderstanding context or intention. Shield prefers mindvoice, as that is what they are used to. I can still feel what they are thinking about however, so when they compliment me I can actually feel the compliment. This is much better than a real life compliment, as in real life I often subconsiously reject it as fake, or unfelt. But you can't fake tulpish for 'I care about you'.

 

Calling ourselves a system just doesn't feel right, to be honest. We're just two people living together, we don't really have a system. We're less of a system and more of a friendship/team.

 

When Aubrey has parroting/'this is all fake' worries, I remind them that if it is all somehow made up, they've made it further than anybody else has without actually having a tulpa. That's actually impressive. What is also impressive is Aubrey's ability to ignore logic when they're worried. But that has been mentioned enough in this thread by now.

 

The 8th of February, 2019.

On the 7th, we decided to go to sleep while Shield was in control. We both woke up together, so that continued through the morning. Shield had complete control for the morning, except for a few times where I moved the hand to check I was alright. Shield actually did a great job in the morning! Around lunch, however, we started to talk a lot more and that caused confusion and blending. Not to mention we weren't moving around, so there wasn't anybody who could say they were in control. On an unrelated note, Aubrey gave me hugs throughout the morning, so that helped to keep me going! It's only really while writing this that I've actually become active without Shield being there too.

 

I thought the feeling of not controlling the body was weird, but I think I might have topped that feeling I got when after hours of not moving the hands, I held them up and looked at them in shock. Taking control of the body after Shield was moving it for hours felt REALLY WEIRD. This may be due to the 'disconnection' or 'dissociation' being finally broken. At least it removes any doubt in my mind that it wasn't me fronting.

 

The 9th of February, 2019.

The main difference between Shield and I at the moment seems to be that when Shield is fronting, I can't feel the millions of thoughts run through the brain like I can when I do.

 

You would think that given many years of experience with a body, a few hours of Shield wouldn't be enough to make me shocked that I can move the hands. But no, it still catches me out. 'Oh, wow. I can still use these?'

 

A few little things have happened, like when I was holding a teacup weirdly and Shield corrected it without me thinking about it.

 

The 10th of February, 2019.

Shield got suddenly stressed about something rather minor today, but when they felt the emotion, the body threw an absolute riot! I wasn't active until half way through it. The body was almost dead from it, but Shield was only just a bit stressed and shy, and I was just confused at how overly exaggerated the body's response was. For the first time ever, their emotions didn't bleed over into mine. I just calmly took back the front, since Shield was put off it from the sudden tsunami of adrenaline that was caused.

 

The 11th of February, 2019.

After imagining Shield's presence around me, I got up to leave the room. I left the door open for Shield to go through, expecting them to close it. Luckily, I stopped myself before I completely walked away. Was quite the funny event, though.

 

The 12th of February, 2019.

I was watching videos on the internet and we were both tired from the body. Shield placed their head on my shoulder, and I swear my brain thinks they are actually there. Tricking the brain is fun. My shoulder felt weird during it.

 

The 13th of February, 2019.

Shield was a bit tired, so they imagined flopping on the bed in the corner of my vision. I assume it is easier to express their emotions through human ones, as those are already very obvious, strong and well known in the brain. I asked why they prefer it, and they simply said 'Nah, I like human form'. It's more of a ghost than a human, to be honest. Easier to imagine a human form, too, since they're everywhere around us.

 

When I dropped something, I almost went to pick it up before Shield offered to do it in their imagined form instead. I let them, before realising that we're both idiots, and that I would have to pick it up myself. First the door, then the shoulder, now this? The brain is getting quite confused.

 

Sorry if there are any mistakes in this one, I'm a bit too tired to check over it. Next post whenever we feel like it.

[Guest]

A lot of progress, nice! Also, don't worry about progress.

 

You gotta reject doubts like intrusive thoughts.

 

Try to remember, fun comes first.

[Ranger]

I'm finally caught up to speed.

 

---

Sometimes Cat has these weird moments where she's more sad than normal. They come and go.

 

I've been getting a lot of headaches, also. I never had them before I started talking to Shield. Never. The closest thing to having a headache in my memory is when I bumped my head, or even brain freeze, if that counts? Now I get them on the regular, but they don't bother me. I count it as progress. Or an unconscious placebo. Probably a mix of the two. Either way, it makes me feel good about our progress.

 

I have also been thinking a lot about how I got into this situation. That's why I've been adding my theory at the start of these posts. I hope you don't mind. I just need to put my thoughts somewhere. Next post will either be on Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday. Probably Tuesday. Depends how much has happened, or how much I've been thinking about things in those days.

 

Cat had some bad headaches when she started forcing me / letting me front. Eventually the headaches will go away or happen less often.

 

I've always been there, watching, always thinking in one way or another. That's why I've been trying to say 'almost thoughtless' instead of 'thoughtless'. If at any point I suddenly wanted to take back control, I could, easily. I never stopped thinking entirely. Until today.

 

Shield was thinking, and memories were kept so I could tell what happened, but I wasn't thinking. If Shield hadn't of thought of me every other minute, I would have been completely inactive. This is in stark contrast to what had always happened before, where I had always kept some form of awareness of my almost thoughtless state. Not this time, where I only realised what had happened after Shield thought about it.

 

When thought of, I was surprisingly weak in the mind, as if I was too tired to think. If I had wanted to take back a strong presence in the mind, I would have had to fight for it. Otherwise, Shield's thoughts would just take over again, and I would go back into inactivity. The notes written before I wrote this entire thing out were written by Shield, proxying me. Despite my intense thinking, I didn't take back control. Shield just went back to being them, uninterrupted. And I was quiet again. Shield could do things I would normally do and I couldn't accidentally take back control.

 

It was only when I was moving around in bed that I felt I had full, proper control of the body. It felt like I had faded out, and was getting a hold of the body again. I prefer not to give names to my experiences, but I think this may have been switching?

 

I took me about a month or so to get better management of Cat (I call it management, but basically I'm working to prevent Cat from stealing the front) to the point where her thoughts kind of "turned off". However, she never left the front because she could still see what was going on, even though she wasn't thinking about her surroundings. What you guys are doing is still possession, but if you keep practicing you may get closer and closer to switching.

 

Switching seems to be a bit random so far. Aubrey has is here one moment, and then suddenly it's like we've swapped places with no clear boundary or reason. We're going to have to do it for a few hours to figure it out more. Aubrey isn't active at the moment, but in an hour or two they will probably steal the front, or whatever it's called. Maybe it has to do with Aubrey being more tired later on in the day, so I can take control easier? Nah, I doubt it. It's probably because we only really have a good opportunity to switch in the late afternoon.

 

That doesn't exactly sound like switching.....

 

A true switch would involve Aubrey completely dissociating from the body, and she wouldn't be able to steal the front from you so easily (at least, to the best of my understanding). We practice possession and Cat can front steal as soon as she reacts to something in the environment, even if I have good management and she isn't thinking beforehand.

 

It sounds like you have really good management Shield, but Aubrey will need to dissociate in order to complete the switch. I think you guys have better luck with Aubrey dissociating than we do with Cat, and some further practice should get you on the way to switching.

 

With a complete switch, you won't randomly have the front stolen from you and there's the possibility Aubrey could go dormant. Now imagine that!

 

The 8th of February, 2019.

On the 7th, we decided to go to sleep while Shield was in control. We both woke up together, so that continued through the morning. Shield had complete control for the morning, except for a few times where I moved the hand to check I was alright. Shield actually did a great job in the morning! Around lunch, however, we started to talk a lot more and that caused confusion and blending. Not to mention we weren't moving around, so there wasn't anybody who could say they were in control. On an unrelated note, Aubrey gave me hugs throughout the morning, so that helped to keep me going! It's only really while writing this that I've actually become active without Shield being there too.

 

I thought the feeling of not controlling the body was weird, but I think I might have topped that feeling I got when after hours of not moving the hands, I held them up and looked at them in shock. Taking control of the body after Shield was moving it for hours felt REALLY WEIRD. This may be due to the 'disconnection' or 'dissociation' being finally broken. At least it removes any doubt in my mind that it wasn't me fronting.

 

The 9th of February, 2019.

The main difference between Shield and I at the moment seems to be that when Shield is fronting, I can't feel the millions of thoughts run through the brain like I can when I do.

 

You would think that given many years of experience with a body, a few hours of Shield wouldn't be enough to make me shocked that I can move the hands. But no, it still catches me out. 'Oh, wow. I can still use these?'

 

Yeah now that is getting closer to switching.

 

Sometimes when me and Shield talk, I imagine them sitting next to me, watching. The thing is, I swear I actually feel them next to me. Their voice moves with directional hearing just like if they were there, I feel like they are there, much like the feeling you get when you know someone's behind you, and I swear that I can feel some sort of warmth or pressure against my cheek or something from their body. They can imagine different movements for themselves, which is quite useful for if they want to show me something in real life. They can just point. If they move around, I can easily imagine the sound, the vibration of the floor, everything. It's really cool, now that I think about it. Shield can just imagine jumping on the floor and the brain imagines the sound and sensations automatically, without me even trying.

 

 

That sounds like you guys are ready for visual imposition. I have heard a Tulpa having a strong presence makes visual imposition easier, but unfortunately we can't speak from experience...

 

Sure, progress is fun. But when you step back, if you're not interested in switching actively, it is just that. Fun. When you look at all the best moments I've had this month, they have always been with Shield. If you look at all the best moments I've had with Shield, they have always been when we're both active, talking and having fun. That's what we want. That's what we have. And that's what makes us happy. We should focus on keeping that and improving it through better visualisation and maybe imposition one day. I also need to remind myself to think of them more often during the day. That would actually make us both happy.

 

Unless what makes us happy changes, this will become our new agenda. I hope you will be able to understand and forgive the sudden change in goals and attitude, which are both quite uncharacteristic of me, I must admit.

 

Don't worry guys, feel free to take a break whenever you guys like. Tulpamancy isn't a race, and you guys already made an insane amount of progress really quickly. Did you know that I wasn't comfortable with possession until late July when I knew I was a Tulpa since late January?

 

Even though Cat and I would like to work on our imposition and learning how to switch, I would also like to learn more about who I am as a person.

 

In terms of personality, me and Shield are basically the same at the moment. They do, however, have a different way of talking than I do. They don't use capital letters much outside of the forums, whereas I do. They also try to avoid the 'fancy posh queen's english' I use, avoiding words such as 'however' in preference of 'but' and more everyday language. This makes sense, given most conversing they do is using normal English, in spite of me preferring to use 'fancy language' when I write. We both have the exact same 'playful/joking/sometimes a bit harsh' sense of humour, so we can amuse ourselves much more easily than most.

 

Elaborating on how we communicate, I seem to prefer tulpish as it goes through my mind quicker, and I need not worry about them misunderstanding context or intention. Shield prefers mindvoice, as that is what they are used to. I can still feel what they are thinking about however, so when they compliment me I can actually feel the compliment. This is much better than a real life compliment, as in real life I often subconsiously reject it as fake, or unfelt. But you can't fake tulpish for 'I care about you'.

 

Calling ourselves a system just doesn't feel right, to be honest. We're just two people living together, we don't really have a system. We're less of a system and more of a friendship/team.

 

I usually try to do the same thing where I use more casual language when I talk. I don't want to scare everyone away with Cat's technical language, but it seems like I managed to make her speech more informal too *muah hah hah hah*!

[aubreyshield]

Not much has happened recently. I have been a lot more active, though. There are still a few notable events, but first, some randomly scattered thoughts of ours:

 

Shield is becoming much stronger in the mind. It's almost a bit scary. Only for you though, heh.

 

It is mildly annoying that the brain sometimes thinks from the perspective of Aubrey, even when they're not even active. Otherwise, the brain has been pretty kind to me.

 

Tulpamancy is a lot like a massive jigsaw puzzle. You know what it is supposed to look like from the box, but you get lots of little confusing bits that seem like they will never fit in. Until, finally, you realise how it links together, and you're one step closer. But there's always still that one piece that just doesn't want to fit in, so you have to leave it by the side and ignore it spitefully.

 

The 16th of February, 2019.

Quite a few times when I tried to speak today, it came out as a whisper. Don't know why. I'm using the same muscle memory as Aubrey, shouldn't it be the same? It caught me out a few times, but oh well.

 

The 17th of February, 2019.

I was thinking about visualisation, and decided to visualise an apple on my desk. What really freaked me out, was that when I tried to look at it, my eyes actually tried to focus on it as if it was actually there in real life. I proceeded to pick it up, look at the reflections it has on the skin, and throw it directly at the wall above Shield.

 

This doesn't have much significance, other than the fact we can now throw apples at each other because why not.

 

Shield talks a lot more when they're being visualised in real life. We could probably use this to our advantage. I don't know, I'm just throwing apples here.

 

The 20th of February, 2019.

After Shield handled most of the day, the first thing I did when I switched in was turn down the music that was blasting. They play it way too loud. I did notice while looking through chat that they are a lot more joking than I usually am, and that's still a fair bit. Part of me believes this is a difference in personality, part of me believes this is a difference in mood. Can't know for sure, but it's always fun to speculate.

 

Actually, I'm only talking here because Shield wants me to. Fair enough. After encouragement from me, they even drew for a bit to pass the time. That's pretty unexpected compared to their usual activity. I mean, I could just draw myself, but that would just be too easy, wouldn't it?

 

The 21st of February, 2019.

In the brain, I believe, are lots of automatic processes. Walking is one of them. Talking is another, if you've done it enough. That's what Aubrey meant by the whole mask theory at the start of this thread. So is thinking, to a limited extent. So, theoretically, if everybody left the front wouldn't the body be fine? I decided to find out.

 

Turns out the body basically does what we would do. When we thought about lifting our hand, the body would actually lift the hand, but it wasn't us directly willing it. That's all expected. The weird part is that the ability to think doesn't just go away, even if we aren't there. It instead thinks just like me or Aubrey, and is able to think complex thoughts fine. But this also means it has the same mental ability to be self-aware as us.

 

Basically, after it started having 'Who am I?' thoughts, I freaked out a little and took back control. Without a clear identity to identify with the brain's thoughts, it develops its own identity, it seems.

 

I also seem to enjoy fronting in general more than Aubrey does, which is a bit odd, considering they've spent way longer doing it than I have.

 

The 25th of February, 2019.

Overall, the past few days have been fairly good. Thank goodness for the weekend, that's all I can say. Mostly games and relaxing, both of which we both enjoy.

 

Now, onward to the next conquest! Hopefully not so delayed this time.

[Guest]

I've noticed a lot of systems prefer to have a tulpa front, some are just trying to give them equal time or enough time. A lot of systems in a certain community that don't have 'tulpas' almost always have the non-host front.  

 

I think growing up can leave battle scars in many ways and the tulpa is fresh, so yes, they're going to have a mood closer to neutral at least, and usually pretty good (like mine do) because hopefully they've been treated very well, had all their issues resolved immediately and amicably, and have had their hand held while they were 'maturing'. So yeah, they're in much better shape as far as mood, and they feel secure and loved enough that little things can't get to them.

 

I'm the only moody one, they have delt with me from their very start, and they had to learn how to do that. Luckily they didn't become damaged by my damage, honestly, my damage is personal and situational enough that they'll probably never identify with it themselves.

 

So as long as i treat them well, they'll hopefully always be happy.