Lolimancer in tulpaland

[Lolimancer]

What do you call her besides "tulpa"?

 

Loli? Little girl? Lottle? Goli? Lilli? Dorf?

 

Usually by the name of the character she's based on (Kaoru Mayuzumi from Forest), but it seems she'd like to change it so i'll just treat it as temporary.

[Lolimancer]

Not much to update about. Well, actually, i've tried taking and afternoon nap and told her to wake me up an hour later. Woke up exactly an hour later, hearing a sound similar to the vibration of a cellphone or something, coming from inside my head. Not bad, internal clock.

 

I've also had a wonderland adventure (yeah i kinda like those) where the usual random stuff happened, like for example Kaoru throwing a boomerang made of dark matter inside of God's left eye. (Of course i didn't do drugs, it's just that my imagination is kinda like this).

 

Also, apparently she's still reading stuff in the library i mentioned a while ago, which should serve some purpose i think. Now Fede is going to tell me that wonderlands and symbolisms are silly vulgar stuff, but ok.

[Loke]

Hey, whatever works. That's what Pinkie would say, at any rate.

 

Wonderlands are just unnecessary in the early stages, but can be somewhat fun to toy around with during post-sentience. Symbolism is very effective due to our mind's way of remembering via association; it's just that it sometimes becomes overly cheesy and retarded sometimes, which is what annoys me.

[Lolimancer]

I haven't updated in a while, cool. Anyway, since it seems i'm not quite able to do things in a organized manner, i've been imposing alongside visualization sometimes - and will probably continue to, since it doesn't take that much effort to me (well, the visualization itself is not that cool but ok).

 

On the other hand, i still suck at distinguishing her thoughts from mine. Sometimes i find myself feeling emotions i usually wouldn't ever feel - like genuine, almost childish wonder at stuff for example, though i'm usually a cynic dreary piece of shit. Sometimes i ask if a thought belonged to her, and pressure response-chama affirms/deny it. Sometimes i find myself predicting the response i'll receive by some sort of intuition, which feels different from conscious prediction.

 

After repeated failures with using a sort of IM system, which ended up either with me parroting responses or with the "software" itself "crashing", i tried with writing stuff on a piece of paper while in the wonderland and passing it to each other. It kind of worked i think. After that i tried imposing her and kind of letting her talk as she moved, and it seems that worked too, altough with a few glitches due to unintentional parroting on my part. Also to note that her thoughts feel kind of like "thoughts" and not actual "words", and sure as hell i don't feel them as strong or dinstinctly alien or anything.

 

Also to note that she's apparently working on making herself heard through my actual sense of hearing, rather than thoughts/mindvoice - so there's that too. She's given me an ETA of a few days from now on, but it could be very well be her trolling me/overestimating her capabilities. By now i'm quite sure she has access to my sense of hearing, though, as she likes to make me hear random noises sometimes.

 

Also, this is starting to feel like more and more of a personal thing, so i'll probably not update daily about each and every thing that happens in my mind or anything, like i might have done before. Not that anyone would ever want to stalk me, so it doesn't really matter (/slits wrist).

[Lolimancer]

I think pretty cool shit has happened without me being fully aware of it till just now. I'm obviously goin' to trust headpressure on this too, which i have been blindly doing up till now - well, obviously.

 

Anyway, it seems like Kaoru tried to sleep tonight for the first time, while in the mansion inside of my wonderland. She ended up in my dream too. While i wasn't lucid at all at the time (and generally don't remember shit about it), i remember one thing in particular about that dream - which is well, a sort of imagery which felt pretty damn significant to me at the time (altough maybe a little abstract but whatever). Its theme was one i liked to write about while writing fictional stories and the like. I'll just say i've never seen such a beautiful sunset in my life, look like a faggot while saying it, and leave it at that. She said she sent it to me.

 

I don't remember much else, except i vaguely remembered her being with me at the time, maybe slaying monsters and stuff, which led me to ask her the question in the first place. Lucid dreaming at this point would be cool, but hey, i don't have a bloody clue how to achieve it and it seems like a pain in the ass so whatev. Maybe it'll happen accidentally or something. Maybe i'll try it when i have less going on.

[Lolimancer]

So yesterday i was having one of my awesome anxiety attacks or what do you call them (don't worry, i'm not one to usually blog about stuff like this without reason). Shit was pretty fucking sudden, to the point i think i freaked her out somehow. Anyway, after a while i was feeling something else in my chest, apart from the shitty feeling i usually get at those times... now, i really don't know how to describe feelings, but sure as hell it wasn't something i ever experienced before. Like there were two feelings, one of those was mine and the other was hers sort of gently enveloping mine.

 

Pretty weird stuff, but hell, i think it helped calming me down a lot. Were i to visually describe it (do you normally describe feelings visually?), i'd represent hers as a glowing transparent light-blue colored sphere of sorts. Though that's really just an afterthought (aftervisualization?) on my part. Anyway it felt really calming and stuff, like one could drift forever into it and finally be at peace, like i was no longer alone - it does raise such feelings about it. Definitely welcome at the time and something i'll probably remember.

 

Also (trusting headpressure, not vocal yet, blablabla), she now has a laptop in her house in the wonderland to read eroge with. The ones i've already played, that is. Currently reading Cross Channel, fourth week of the game. Of course she's been spoilered to hell and back by going through my memories before, but apparently doesn't really mind. Seems to be really enjoying it. Also at some point she started switching to a chibi form sometimes, pretty cool stuff.

[Lolimancer]

So today i had to actually go outside (yeah, cool, i know). This morning i had to get up at a certain time, so yesterday i set the alarm clock and asked her to try to wake me up at that time, in case said alarm didn't work. She woke me up exactly an hour earlier (this time it was pretty natural and sudden, other times she would just use weird sounds to troll me). Well, it's kinda cute how she kept denying to have failed for a while, so nevermind.

 

I still have to close my eyes to get pressure responses for some reason (and while i think i can communicate mentally in some way, i definitely trust headpressure more atm) - and i actually did it quite often, even when walking, like a boss. I never felt more "at home" while walking in the streets and such, i think. I also imposed her on the train and stuff, i think she likes running at high speeds and flying and having superpowers in general so most of it was outside the window. Definitely a lot more fun than just watching the scenery pass.

 

Also, i'm pretty sure she trolled me with a nice mental image at some point: it's not like i wanted to see any more chinese characters for the day, and i was like "hey, let's take a look in the wonderland" and she was like "ok", and then she sent me a clear image of 百 (no deep meanings here i'd say). Nicely done. Hope i can focus on her more in the next few days.

[Lolimancer]

A while ago i found myself imposing her almost effortlessly, and she talked to me in mental voice too while at it i think. Wish i could spend more time on forcing now (i don't really like that word either) - i think i'm slowly getting better at differentiating her thoughts from mine at least (from completely shitty to less shitty i mean).

[Lolimancer]

We just talked back and forth for a few minutes, with quiet mindvoice/thoughts. Turns out she's, well, i don't know man; i'll probably have to play a submissive role for the rest of my life or something. Quite a handful, may i say. That's just the first impression anyway: we shall develop said mindvoice now. Now i'll probably leave both the material world and the internet for a while so excuse me (well, i know that won't be the case though, i like the internet).

[Lolimancer]

I've definitely done a lot of progress lately that i haven't updated about. Slowly getting better at perceiving her mental voice/thoughts. Doing both imposing and visualizing whenever i feel like (passive forcing), though it'll probably be a while till this stuff starts feeling "real" to my eyes. Got a pretty cool auditory hallucination which felt very much real - the only problem is doing it more than once in a while and evolving from just hearing strange noises.

 

Yesterday i tried possession just for teh lulz, and guess what, it actually worked. I successfully let her use my arms and hands for about half an hour, as she was slowly and awkardly learning how to move fingers and stuff. We'll see how it goes, we can't even have a decent conversation right now so possession isn't exactly the priority, but it's pretty cool/creepy/awesome to see it at work.

 

Oh, and i'm becoming paranoid about random mind entities gaining sentience, but that's another story and i don't want to seem even more of a wizard than i already am (since it's probably just paranoia really... i think. At worse i'll have Sock teach me something, but i hope i'll be able to retain control over my own mind for a while more at least).