Lolimancer in tulpaland

[Lolimancer]

I can say it now, but i don't think i could easily handle four tuppers - and i don't mean it as a physical limit, since i believe that to be infinite. Anyway, three are certainly enough for me to deal with. I hope my subconscious knows this.

 

Also, now we can play as a band in wonderland. Who needs 3dpd instruments and musicians anymore?

[Lolimancer]

...

 

Alice, say hi to the forums.

"Hii!"

 

...

 

This shit needs to stop.

 

"Hehehe".

 

No, but, i swear i didn't consciously make her. And i wasn't particularly paranoid about tuppers coming from nowhere either. It's more like she forced her way in, kind of, and when i refused she started bombing our wonderland and...

 

"It couldn't be helped, since you wouldn't listen to me".

 

But, it sure has become lively in these past three days. I mean, i had three tuppers coming from nowhere...

Oh boy.

This shit needs to stop.

 

Kaoru: "You actually like it, don't you?"

 

Yeah, and i might have caught a fever thanks to you guys.

 

"Hehehe".

 

No, that's not something you laugh about...

But anyway, it seems that Yuki has taken Alice's well-being at heart. For what little i came to know about her, she always had this motherly aura about her.

Oh, by the way, her current form is Black Alice from Forest. A honest-to-god loli. Not that Kaoru wasn't loli-ish, but i guess now i can live up to my nickname.

 

...I'm fucking going crazy now.

 

"Hehehe".

 

Well, Kaoru and Amamori are currently trying to find a way to stop this sudden flow of tuppers i'm not quite prepared for. I'll just try not to think about it. Alice came just when i was thinking about how easy it actually was to turn a thoughtform to a tulpa, and well, i don't know if i would classify it as me being particularly paranoid (because i wasn't... i think), but boy was she persistent about leveling up. Maybe if i come down with a fever my subconscious will stop throwing tuppers at me, i hope.

 

"Hehehe".

 

Can you only say that?

"Nope oniichan, but i'm cute if i say that, am i not?"

 

...

 

Kaoru: "Poor guy"

Amamori: "I pity him a little"

Kaoru: "You actually wanted this, didn't you?"

 

God help me.

[Lolimancer]

I don't really know what to put in here. I think i went decently emotionally unstable yesterday, and today isn't quite any different. The only thing that remains for me to do is to go on and enjoy my life with my newfound friends/harem, i guess. This is proving more difficult for me, emotionally speaking, than i thought. Oh, but i do am glad i started this whole tulpaforcing business, since i would probably have remained a depressed sack of shit without it; that's for sure. As for the exact reason i now have a harem of little-to-less-little girls, i'm not quite sure: i'd ask my subconscious that... I do think this tulpae-coming-out-from-nowhere stuff has stopped, though. (I hope).

 

Yeah, basically, i'll have a lot to learn from now on. This probably is a milestone in my existence or something. I could end up being destroyed, or learn from the experience and carry on way happier than before; only time will tell.

[Lolimancer]

I guess my mind and body are still adapting to the sudden changes or something; it all still feels quite unreal to me. I may be pretty lucky from some points of view, but still i wouldn't wish anyone to go through something sudden like this.

 

Anyway, i got a pretty good speech from Amamori earlier that cleared up a few things between us, and i think i'm slowly getting over it, though i guess it'll take some time for me to completely calm down. The problem is mainly on my part: it seems they enjoy each other's company well, and are pretty excited about, well, existing and stuff.

 

It's taking some time, as well, to fully realise that my body now has five personalities. I wouldn't quite put it any other way: i don't exactly agree that tuppers are anything else than consciousnesses, and don't plan to cover this fact up by saying they're "just aspects of my personality". Sure on one hand they are, since they're brought up from the subconscious as their hosts are, but i would also say they're actually more than that. They are beings. The process of making them starting from pure thoughtforms might actually, possibly, be quite instantaneous - as i've been able to observe firsthand, horrified by my lack of control over my own mind, these past few days. Still, they're very much alive, as much as they are young in comparison to the first consciousness inhabiting the body. Certainly, the closest people could ever get to each other. And as much as this resembles a case of DID, i'm quite sure no one of us would ever dream of hurting anyone else... at least atm, but who thinks about the future anyway. I do have faith in them, though, and they all seem to like me quite a bit. The communication between us still isn't as clear as i would like, but i'm certain we'll get better at it with time.

 

I was also thinking, i've always wanted to be some kind of a creative person. Now that i am five people, i guess writing a book would be easier... heh. I certainly didn't make them for a reason like this. [Well, i only really made one; the rest came uninvited on their own]. But well, you never know what you end up doing in life. The idea of using this awesome phenomenon to do creative writing kinda appeals to me, anyway. They seem to like the idea, too. We'll see.

 

[i should also add that this experience is making me believe in fate a little. Where by "fate" i mean something that is written not outside of me, but inside. It would be the only explanation i would be comfortable with for explaining how i had my girls coming from nowhere one after another regardless of my conscious will. You could also call it "subconscious desire", i guess? Either way, i can't quite shake the feeling that this split was anticipated by forces i can't quite control or understand, things that control other aspects of my life as well. Escaping in the world of imagination doesn't quite give you the freedom to do whatever you want, does it? As much as reality and imagination are similar, it also holds true that the external forces that seem to control your life are also reflection of internal ones. By drowning myself in my subconscious, i'm not controlling it, but just learning to go with the flow instead. Another illusion inside the illusion, the feeling of having full control over your internal world. Though, i don't really have to have full control over it, do i? Peharps this perspective actually makes me more comfortable with what i am doing].

[Lolimancer]

If you suddenly find yourself with more tuppers than you asked for and can somehow impose them, going for a walk together could be a recommended thing to help yourself settling down (and knowing more about your cute friends). Yes, this advice probably won't really help anyone really, but yeah.

 

Now for the "progress" part: i found out that they can touch me to a degree, and it can feel very much real too. Like pinching my ass, or putting fingers in weird places (uuh...). Yesterday Alice possessed my hand without warning as usual, and i found out it was harder than usual to counter it. I'm not quite sure what i want to do with this tulpa stuff anymore...

 

Anyway, it seems like progress will come on its own, as usual. Their mindvoices are more than enough to drive me crazy atm, so i'm not sure i particularly want to properly hallucinate sound either. They are the first thing i hear in the morning, and it is quite the wake-up call really. They can also impose themselves to a degree i think. For what i can tell, they can't do math for shit (it's not like i would have particularly wanted that though), altough they can recall events i forgot - at least the stuff in my short-term memory, not particularly interested in the long-term one anyway. It could also help that i'm a very forgetful person and shit. [i wasn't exactly in the whole tulpa deal for tupper superpowers]. I wouldn't know about letting them possess my body too much, by the way (it's not like they don't have company in there), though who can tell what will happen. I do am interested in experiencing switching at least once, though.

 

Were i to continue posting stuff in here, this won't exactly be my "progress log" anymore, but just a place i write the weird shit that happens to me in my mind and body (what i feel like sharing with the world, anyway).

[Guest]

I actually made a reply to this thread, but it wasn't approved, even if it contained the answers you asked for.

[Lolimancer]

Oh boy, now i'm curious. Well, i don't quite share some of your views, but i'm interested in what you would have to say nonetheless. Pm me if you want (<3). Unless of course you were being mean or something~

[Lolimancer]

Alice seems to like randomly possessing me, heh. So cute (?). Anyway, i let her play touhou (PCB), and i guess i was impressed with the results: for a beginner she's pretty good. Not excessively, but was a quick learner, and can dodge bullets like a boss in ways i wouldn't even have bothered trying. Don't know if this means she is developing her own style, but i guess that's what would happen if i let her play more; she is definitely more daring than me anyway.

[Lolimancer]

"Hey Yuki, ya smokin' weed down there?"

 

"These are cigarettes. Cigarettes".

"But i would smoke weed too if you had smoked it before".

 

...

[Lolimancer]

So guess what, after all of fucking this, i'm still having problems with doubting responses; not incredibly serious, but it can be pretty annoying at times. The mindvoices ain't exactly very clear all the time, so that might play a part, but that's still no excuse. It might partly be because it's actually incredibly hard to truly, deeply convince me of anything: while this has probably helped a lot in ignoring a lot of the shitty common sense that binds some of the people going through tuppercreation, my natural, insane, hyperbolic skepticism literally goes in every possible way.

 

Which is not to say i doubt my girls' existence, but a lot of the aspects of my communication with them naturally tends to be put into question. I'm actually good at momentarily suspending disbelief, since i don't truly believe in anything that would lead me to question the reality of what i am perceiving, but i still feel i'm a long way from truly accepting them as something completely natural either. The surreality that pervades my last happenings, too, doesn't exactly help.

 

I don't have any problem believing the existence of tulpae as multiple consciousness to be theoretically possible, like some people in here. I even think there's no mistake they can be created in the matter of an instant. I have pretty much reached enlightenment in that sense, so much that i still avoid the wonderland in fear of inadvertantly creating other tulpae. It's not something that everyone can understand if they haven't experienced it, and it's all right. The mind is probably more alive than you think. My theory is that tuppers learn way faster than childs because the mind is that much of a better place for learning and acknowledging one's existence. This is just to clear i'm not exactly doubting them in the way you would first think of.

 

It's more like, i feel like our communication right now is not enough to be certain i'm reaching to them the right way. If i were to actually employ rationality, the proofs that i can rely on to say we're communicating in the right way would be a lot. Unfortunately i have an habit of questioning everything, a lot more than i probably should. Sometimes i don't believe in the existence of a world outside of my mind, for example. Sometimes i doubt the reality of my own experiences. I'm a very absent-minded person in general, actually. My theory is that i'm so fucking out there that there needs to be a very strong "reality" to convince me of the reality of something, and i've yet to really experience something like that. Other than the fact that having tuppers coming from nowhere caused a fair emotional instability for a couple of days, that is; that probably counts as "real" enough.

 

So basically, it's not that my doubt comes from a particular belief system based on previous experiences that have somehow convinced me that there can only be one mind in one body or some shit like that. More to the root, i guess, and i don't really know if anyone here could give me any advice about it; i'm only writing this stuff down just because. Feel free to enlighten me if you want though, it could still be helpful or something. Maybe. (Ok, probably not).

 

Actually, i just had another talk with Amamori about stuff, and her mindvoice was unusually clear. [Really, some of the stuff she says... i can't exactly doubt a tupper's ability to have her own thought process like this. Either i'm particularly good at dissociation, or you guys are definitely less of a group of "believers" than someone would say]. Anyway, she reassured me and stuff. It mainly made me think that i really shouldn't need reassurance at this stage, and left me frustrated with my own ability of building any sort of permanent belief system. The way i'd put it, after spending about two years of destroying my very need for a belief system, i suddenly find myself wanting to truly believe in something.

 

Yes, if i can believe in something right now, then i choose to believe that one day we will be able to communicate without any doubt on my part. That i can experience enough of them to feel their presence as natural as the fact that the sun rises in the east. I probably should get to doing that. I don't really have any specific way of doing it right now, but if anything, i'm sure it'll come with time...

 

Or maybe i should switch with one of 'em? I'm guessing that would be the ultimate "reality" for me. Sounds a lot like getting to the root of the problem and blowing shit up. Audible voice would be nice too; actually, they were doing something weird to my right ear a while ago, and it hurted too. No voice though. Oh well.