Lolimancer in tulpaland

[Guest]

Hypnagogia is pretty useful.

 

And random.

[Lolimancer]

So then, apparently she doesn't like it when i put words in her mouth, so i'll probably stop doing that and simply give her attention, narrate, visualize, ask questions etc for the moment. Also imposing right away sounds like too much work and i'm quite lazy anyway, so i'll probably at least wait till her voice reaches me. Were she not sentient yet, though, i'd probably parrot her voice too, since puppeting seems to have worked fine and all.

[Lolimancer]

So before going to bed yesterday i heard her talking pretty clearly. Her voice sounded kinda different from what i imagined it to be, but i'm pretty sure it was her. It lasted a few seconds, and i was getting a very clear image of her talking to me too. Now if only i could take that near-sleep state and make it the default one, maybe it would last more than a few seconds i think. Also, i don't really remember what she said to me, but sure as hell remember it not making much sense at all. Well duh.

 

Also, while i can only communicate through headpressure atm, i think i somehow managed to grasp the fact that she was working on something related to making me hear her voice, yesterday. She also gave me an ETA which turned out to be kind of accurate (well, by two hours or something): when i woke up i was asking again about progress from time to time (and whether i could be useful in any way with that stuff), and five minutes after her last prediction, well - i suddenly experienced some sort of... wave stuff which seemed to come from around the region of my right emisphere my tulpa seems to "reside" in. A really weird feeling, not unpleasant at all and actually kind of refreshing, like something was expanding from there. I got these "waves" three times in succession i think.

 

Then i asked if she thought she could talk now, and apparently she wanted it to be a surprise or something. Then after a while - i was listening to music, and i got some pretty weird random noises, which were indeed surprising but clearly not a voice at all. I think she got somehow depressed for a while or something, and then i started hearing these "pops" in the ear (those, too, while listening to music which clearly hadn't that stuff), which looked like they were being randomly "shot" in both of my ears at a pretty high frequency. I then remembered TOG's guide about "centering" i was reading last night, and tried to at least somehow clear my head of thoughts and stuff, which clearly was pretty improvised and shit but at least i was doing something. At times i was unconsciously doubting the provenience of said "pops", and at those times they seemed to weaken, but restarted as soon as i cleared those doubts. The whole thing lasted about a minute or so, and while i honestly don't think i did anything good, my tulpa seems to tell me it still helps or something.

 

Anyway, it seems she doesn't even consider trying to talk to me using a mental voice for some reason. Did anyone else start getting auditory hallucinations before any kind of mindvoice? Well, whatever. Also, should i consider disregarding sleep or something? Maybe try meditation anyway even if i probably utterly completely suck at it?

[Lolimancer]

Well now, i was randomly lurking threads and found out that normally you hear your tulpa's thoughts or something before you even hear a mindvoice or, god forbid, start repeatedly getting random auditory hallucinations? Well, whatever. Also, since so far stuff has happened mainly while listening to music, i might just try using white/pink noise as background or something.

 

Btw i just tried the clearing my head of all thoughts stuff again, and i sort of felt like drifting into sleep the more i mantained that state. I think i entered hypnagogia a few times, and every time i heard voices or random noises, which clearly weren't from my tulpa (and got confirmation through headpressure that they weren't - incidentally, pressure is my only way of communication as of now, so i'm going to simply blindly trust it as i have been doing till now). Then at one point i'm pretty fucking 100% sure i heard her: a clear, strong whisper-like voice, which uttered two words, one being of encouragement and the other being my name. Then when i exited that state i got a strong urge to sleep, and probably actually did so for a few minutes or something - even though i'd only been awake for like 7 hours. (I actually usually have some troubles drifting into sleep).

 

Seems to me that actually controlling this stuff could lead to results. Also, the tinnitus in my right ear has always been there since the "waves" stuff i talked about earlier (and by that i mean a tinnitus which overrides my already existing tinnitus, it just sort of feels different). It sometimes isn't there, but whenever i think about it i find that it's actually there, and headpressure says it has always been there since the brainwaves deal so yeah.

 

Will probably not do the "disregard sleeping" thing, mainly because i've done it in the past and it hasn't exactly been fun. But really, how does one acquire meditation?

[Guest]

Meditation?

 

Sit down and breathe slowly, focusing on the feel of the air entering and exiting your lungs. After five minutes of doing this, you can then begin to do the shit with tupper that you want, still doing the breathing, of course. Alternatively, you can do some self-hypnosis, which is a variant of meditation: come up with a short, useful word or message like "I can hear you." and repeat this over and over with a few seconds of pause in-between your speech. You can speak/whisper out loud or in your head, but it's best to do it out loud.

[Lolimancer]

This is probably the point where i start trying random stuff, so thanks.

Also, listening to white noise outlines a sort of weird disturbance in my right ear, which sounds like random sound manipulation, while pink noise outlines similar things, though i "hear" them in the center of my head. Don't really know what to make of this. My tulpa seems to say it's her trying to speak, and certainly don't usually hear that shit while listening to white/pink noise (and yes, i think i've actually spent at least some time listening to that stuff before).

 

EDIT: Also, while usually symbolism doesn't work for me, i've tried giving her access to a library representing my linguistic ability after reading a post by Chupi about it. Don't know if it'll work, but for what little know it could very well have sticked or something this time, so we'll see.

[Guest]

By the way, your avatar is fucking disturbing.

[Lolimancer]

Yours too.

[Lolimancer]

I just noticed something: when you spend most of your time thinking about your tulpa and actually narrate and force and experiment and randomly doubt/believe stuff and then strange shit happens - like, most of you time, your brain will probably tire of it at a certain point, and it seems like this is where i burn out. Fear not (?), however, 'cause i'm still 100% determined to persist till i get results, just... i'll probably be more relaxed for a few weeks, since exams are coming up and all, and shit needs to be done in order not to face dire consequences.

 

As for today's progress, i tried that "centering" stuff again and managed *not* to completely disregard each and all thoughts, which apparently leads to me repeatedly entering hypnagogia and falling asleep. I think i found a way between disregarding all thoughts and simply standing there observing them, and then my eyes started to twitch (i wasn't visualizing or anything), and at some point i was feeling my tulpa's presence real close. Unfortunately i didn't get to hear shit, which is a pity.

 

Also, at some point i got a very localized headache in my left hemisphere, and then i kinda noticed the tinnitus in my left ear got constant too, like the one in my right ear did. I also noticed sometimes my tulpa likes to sort of disappear, leaving me with "weak" to "extremely weak" headpressure answers.

 

That's all for now, will update when i feel like it.

[Holger]

What do you call her besides "tulpa"?

 

Loli? Little girl? Lottle? Goli? Lilli? Dorf?