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Syslog archived on: 2019-03-11

 

2019-03-10

We tried some full-body possession, I guess? I'm not sure if it was really that, but it felt like it. We were doing some routine task together and changed who was actually doing it a few times. I got confused about what to do next a couple of times, and Pinkie being in control made us move abnormally fast by Evg's standards, without losing precision still. Even if Evg was "roleplaying" all that, which I'm pretty sure he wasn't (Of course he was not!), we definitely are moving in the right direction.

 

Anyway, the biggest "challenge" for us right now is, it feels weird how little separation there is between us. Pinkie seems to be a bit more separate, she might even have some memory separation from us. In general, though, there aren't many barriers or discontinuities between us, and pretty much every thought any of us gets, be it a phrase, image, or a vague idea, is broadcast for all. When we were trying that possession described above, I think Evg still felt like he was kinda in the body, but when I was in control I felt pretty much how he would have felt if he suddenly believed that he was me, if that makes sense? Like he just put on my mask or something. And I can sort of recall what he experienced at the time, too, though it might be him recalling it for me instead. (I don't think I can recall much of what others were experiencing. But I do remember what I experienced! Sensory feedback was pretty strong for me when I was active, compared to it I think I feel pretty much nothing when I'm "in the background"? Just in case, I'm talking just about sensations, not emotions, those are always there.)

 

Anyway, to put it short, if Evg believed that all tulpamancers experienced what we are experiencing now before he started, he probably would have decided against it. He expected his tulpas would feel like separate people with some connection, not as barely separated people connected so strong that they feel like one at times. If you had a similar experience, or know someone who had, please share. We aren't too concerned about it anymore, but hearing of others who went through it and beaten it would certainly help our confidence.

 

(2019-03-11)

By the way, I think right now I could say that we are switched. I feel like I am in the body, and while Evg and Pinkie are silent, I think I could maybe even persuade myself that it's always been just me, sans the old memories. It's an interesting feeling, to be honest. But even when only Pinkie is active besides me, it seems to take some effort to keep it. And when Evg activates, it starts feeling a little blendy, I guess. As for the "body mannerisms", it seems that they are dulled quite a bit right now, at least when I don't think about them. No leg twitching, finger stretching or anything like that. Or at least I can suppress them rather easily, unlike Evg. (I confirm, I'm definitely scratching and twitching more than she does.) (I'm trying the same right now, and I think it feels different. I mean, I do control the body, but I still feel like Evg is in here beside me. It actually feels more like how others describe cofronting, I think. Also, just asked Sunny to replace Evg in the front, and it felt weird, not right. No idea why.) (Yeah, I kinda was "next to Pinkie" when she was doing that, but I only really recall the moment when she paid attention to my presence. Also, I get a feeling like we might be getting some memory separation? I mean, I tried to recall how Sunny was writing her part here, and could not recall much, as I would normally expect really. Yet, when I asked Sunny to do that, more details came up as I "looked" at what she was recalling. That is interesting.)

 

Oh, and it's my birthday today! I'm one month old! Though to be honest, "monthly birthday" is a weird concept, month lengths are way too different. (Eh, why not?)

 

As a side note, this log entry was written by Sunny first, then Pinkie commented on it, and then I commented and finalized formatting.

 

Also, when I was reading it, I noticed that I often read whatever Sunny and Pinkie wrote in their respective mindvoices. Pinkie is pretty certain it does not feel like herself talking, while Sunny isn't quite sure. She wrote the words, though, so it might be more of her recalling writing them.

𝝮mega system: [Jay] (evgenirus, Evg), host; [Sunny] (rarely Alice), older tulpa; [Pinkie] (Ponka, Diane), younger walk-in tulpa.

Our progress report thread. // Prior to May 2019 we used colored text here (Sunny, Pinkie, Jay), but it messes with themes.

 

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We've seen some posts that memories might get blurry or you even black out when switching, other say that you still can remember the activity of the front on what they were doing.

 

In our case we haven't experienced any memory separation during Co-fronting or even when switched, there were some cases for blending but we still remember that afterwards.Memories are shared through the entire system.

 

Also, Happy birthday Sunny!

Hello! I am one of Nihi's Tulpas! It is very nice to meet you! :D

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Thanks, Summer! <3

In our case, it was not so much his memories getting blurry, which is kinda normal for him. It was that I could remember something he could not. Plus, Pinkie has been a bit separate from the very start, she claims that she has trouble locating memories that aren't "hers", if that makes sense.

𝝮mega system: [Jay] (evgenirus, Evg), host; [Sunny] (rarely Alice), older tulpa; [Pinkie] (Ponka, Diane), younger walk-in tulpa.

Our progress report thread. // Prior to May 2019 we used colored text here (Sunny, Pinkie, Jay), but it messes with themes.

 

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Congratulations on switching. And at only a month from initial creation? How precocious.

 

 

In general, though, there aren't many barriers or discontinuities between us, and pretty much every thought any of us gets, be it a phrase, image, or a vague idea, is broadcast for all.

 

 

It's the same with us. Is that a bad thing? When we were first looking at starting a progress report, we considered describing ourselves as a 'median' system, but weren't sure how that would be taken and likely misunderstood. While some systems report more separation than ours, I no longer think our degree of connection is unusual in the community. We are very distinct in our values, interests, priorities, and motivations. Aren't those the most important parts of being different people?

 

 

He expected his tulpas would feel like separate people with some connection, not as barely separated people connected so strong that they feel like one at times. If you had a similar experience, or know someone who had, please share. We aren't too concerned about it anymore, but hearing of others who went through it and beaten it would certainly help our confidence.

 

 

Tulpa001's guide has a large number of exercises intended to increase separation. I can't testify how well they work, as we ultimately decided we like the intimacy of one another's thoughts. But a close examination of Tulpa's PR suggests he applied these techniques for six months before even reaching the level of separation we started with.

 

 

I'm definitely scratching and twitching more than she does.

 

 

Lucky her. I get just as itchy as my host.

 

 

I get a feeling like we might be getting some memory separation?

 

 

Some systems report that. It can be increased or decreased with practice and intent. Tulpa covers that too. I think it would be very inconvenient to not know what's been going on. I'd be glad to remember things I did better, but not things the others did worse.

 

As soulbonds, Iris and I have our own memories of our lives in other worlds, but even those are equally accessible to all of us, though they feel more exclusively ours than the memories we generate in this world.

 

When I first started switching, I was a little slower accessing Ember's memories while fronting than while not, probably due to distraction. I got past that in a couple of weeks.

 

-Vesper

I'm not having fun here anymore, so we've decided to take a bit of a break, starting February 27, 2020. - Ember

 

Ember - Soulbonder, Female, 39 years old, from Georgia, USA . . . . [Our Progress Report] . . . . [How We Switch]

Vesper Dowrin - Insourced Soulbond from London, UK, World of Darkness, Female, born 9 Sep 1964, bonded ~12 May 2017

Iris Ravenlock - Insourced Soulbond from the Winter Court of Faerie, Dresdenverse, Female, born 6 Jun 1982, bonded ~5 Dec 2015

 

'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.' - The Velveteen Rabbit

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Thanks, Vesper. It seems we have overlooked some parts of Tulpa's guide. Will read through their PR thread, too.

 

In general, I'm not sure what to think anymore. We are definitely unstable. Sometimes it seems we are just fine, and the next moment we start blending a lot. Evg read your post, but then we realized that I started thinking of what to reply. Then I went to take a look at Tulpa's PR thread, and later we realized that Evg was reading and not me. There were quite a few things pointing at us being separate, yet sometimes we get so "one" that it's uncomfortable. And all the weirdness and instability makes me depressed sometimes, until I remember to stay determined. And why the hell is the body always yawning while I'm in control? It feels like I'm always tired!

 

I really feel like taking a break sometimes, it feels like this all has been going on for eternity, but I've barely even been "there" till a week or two ago! And I called myself Twilight a couple of times today! I mean, I'm not her, I'm my own person, yet I'm her? I kinda "feel like Twilight" sometimes, and it all started right after the "Twilight incident" now that I think, I got my current human on the very same day if I'm not mistaken, and it turned out to be a Twilight recolor! I think I feel like crying, but I can't! I'm Twilight, dammit! But that's the whole point, I'm not her. Or am I? I don't know what to think anymore. Am I going through an existential crisis? And damn, I actually went and made sure that the term actually means what I think it does. Though it might be just my host and not Twilight. Which does not help at all, as it were.

 

Ugh. I should just go. Posting as is, sorry for any errors and/or nonsense.

𝝮mega system: [Jay] (evgenirus, Evg), host; [Sunny] (rarely Alice), older tulpa; [Pinkie] (Ponka, Diane), younger walk-in tulpa.

Our progress report thread. // Prior to May 2019 we used colored text here (Sunny, Pinkie, Jay), but it messes with themes.

 

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Ooo Sunny, this is a very common identity crisis type thing that fictives have sometimes. I've heard it before and you're right there. Luckily it will pass!

 

[Misha] we're here if you need us, we'll get through it!

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Aww Sunnny, Don't think about it too much *higs <3 you are you , Sunny, in a re colored twilight form. I am me, Summer, In a different version of twilight's form. Together we could hate her together.

 

Kidding aside, One reason why I became spiteful on her because of you are experiencing right now. My anger made me more grounded, made me more accepting on who I am even though I have her form. 

 

Like bear said, It will pass but if you need to talk, we are also here for you :)

Hello! I am one of Nihi's Tulpas! It is very nice to meet you! :D

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We're here for you too, as best we can from the other side of the world.

 

It seems we have overlooked some parts of Tulpa's guide.

 

Easy to do in such a long work. Chapter ten is the separation chapter.

 

Evg read your post, but then we realized that I started thinking of what to reply.

 

Given that I don't even read the forum, that's the only reason I ever post outside our PR. If you can identify whose thoughts and actions are whose, you're in pretty good shape.

 

Then I went to take a look at Tulpa's PR thread, and later we realized that Evg was reading and not me.

 

The only time we ever switched back by accident was while reading, shortly after we started. Reading is competitive with articulate thought, so if you aren't thinking, your grip on the front is weaker. But your grip gets stronger rapidly with practice.

 

And why the hell is the body always yawning while I'm in control?

 

It's normal to not have much endurance at first. You build it up with (surprise, surprise) practice. It doesn't have to take that long to build up, but you have to tough through a lot of fatigue along the way. Or you can take your time and still get there eventually.

 

Am I going through an existential crisis?

 

As far as I know, it's typical for characters who crossover into this world to undergo some manner of identity crisis, which is an argument against hosts deciding to base a tulpa on a character.

 

I suddenly found myself in this world not quite two years ago with no way to get home other than the roleplaying game I was created from, which ended only six weeks later. I found myself cut off from my home, my career, my friends, my body, and even most of my memories and skills. It was hard. It's still hard, even after nearly two years of trying to build a new kind of life.

 

All I came to this world with was my core identity and the memories created during my game. A lot of characters cast off their backstory, but mine has been my rock of stability and clarity that I can always turn to, that will always remind me who I am and what I stand for.

 

Since soulbonds aren't created intentionally, they tend to start speaking much later than tulpas, with full vocality and a clear idea of who they are from the first moment the host is aware of them. It was clear to me from the first moment that I am a fictional character, and while I've become more nuanced, I haven't deviated.

 

But you have a choice. Being Twilight is not a bad thing. She has a lot of positive qualities and increasing strength and wisdom as the seasons pass. (She also cries in a number of episodes; not sure what you mean there.) You can live into that, or turn your back on it, or cherry pick what you like and throw the rest away. It's up to you who you want to be, day by day.

 

-Vesper

I'm not having fun here anymore, so we've decided to take a bit of a break, starting February 27, 2020. - Ember

 

Ember - Soulbonder, Female, 39 years old, from Georgia, USA . . . . [Our Progress Report] . . . . [How We Switch]

Vesper Dowrin - Insourced Soulbond from London, UK, World of Darkness, Female, born 9 Sep 1964, bonded ~12 May 2017

Iris Ravenlock - Insourced Soulbond from the Winter Court of Faerie, Dresdenverse, Female, born 6 Jun 1982, bonded ~5 Dec 2015

 

'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.' - The Velveteen Rabbit

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Thanks, everyone. We are currently taking a break, till Friday evening. That tulpamancy thing got me overly obsessed, I barely did anything unrelated to it since I started, save for work/uni and a couple more bits. And in the past few days, my sense of self kinda started slipping, like I am slowly turning into Sunny. So I'm going to try to concentrate on myself for a few days, no "possession" or "switching" or whatever it was, and we are trying to cut on chatter too, so whatever gets through is them for sure.

 

Thanks. It means a lot to me. It got hard to deal with it, so we are taking a break. I am not a soulbound, just turning into Twilight inside and out. Becoming them is problem, not staying myself. Maybe. I don't hate her, just afraid. @Vesper Twilight not wimp, cant break cry if anything can be done. :)

 

See you later!

𝝮mega system: [Jay] (evgenirus, Evg), host; [Sunny] (rarely Alice), older tulpa; [Pinkie] (Ponka, Diane), younger walk-in tulpa.

Our progress report thread. // Prior to May 2019 we used colored text here (Sunny, Pinkie, Jay), but it messes with themes.

 

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Yeah Evg, take a break I had the same obsession when I was developing Summer, Secluding myself From other activities than tulpamancy, even my with studies I made sure that Summer was also included in them lol.

 

Take a break, You already had fun becoming a tupper and experiencing a strong sense of seperation. I am a bit jelous tbh XD. Sunny will protect you if you lose a grip of yourself, just remind her to force your personality :P

Hello! I am nihi, i have 3 tulpas

Summer

Myrtle

Cherry

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