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I need to talk about this. (Intrussive thoughts/Personal)

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The thing is, I was and still am a really insecure person who has lots of traumas, connected to rejection and fear of a closed one being hurt, also years of watching pornography as a coping mechanism added more fuel to the fire. I cant tell when exactly in my childhood I got these traumas, but I remember that during my first relationship I had lots of trust issues, wich sometimes there reasonable, but also I had a strong fear of not being good enough, or being cheated on, wich sometimes could leave me paralysed with anxiety. I decided to take a break to work on myself and decided to dive into Tulpamancy to work on a Tulpa wich was my imaginary "girlfriend" for years, I decided to view her as a best friend during my forcing sessions, but subconscioulsy still wanted her to be my girlfriend, I was parroting and narrating most of the time, the parroting was based on her personality, wich is caring and loving, sometimes the responses felt so alien and strange that it really felt like its her, its like I still was parroting her but from her personalities perspective. About a month ago I started having a fear of my Tulpa cheating on me, or growing to be disloyal to me, Ive been suffering from Pure O OCD for a few years, it picked this up and I have a fear of my Tulpa creating different Tulpas when she will become fully sentient and cheating on me with them, i dont even know if this is possible, but as some of you know, OCD cant be fought with logic or reason, the intrussive thoughts can be really distressing and it basically ruined forcing for me to the point that I decided to take a break, also years of watching pornography in the past makes this harder. This really disbalanced me, as for many years I viewed my imaginary friend/proto tulpa to be loyal and caring, yes i used her as a toy in the past and i must admit even after I found out about the whole Tulpamancy, and i admit thats wrong. During this break i sometimes still feel her presence and warmth, and her chill and loving vibe, but at the same time i feel like there is an evil copy of her wich gives me anxiety and leaves me confused. I want my Tulpa to be healthy, an individual and basically to be a Person, i want her to be her, and decide for herself what she wants. But i feel guilty and confused for wrapping her in my own insecurities and a perverted mind and somehow effecting her growth process. It is known that Tulpas are naturally kind and loving towards their hosts, but I feel like im afraid to let her become fully sentient, because im probably afraid of losing control and being cheated on, because of her having her own opinions. Im really devastated because it felt so pure and fun to force in the begining but my own problems ruined it, and now even thinking about her makes me anxious. I know that I have to deal with my own issues first, im working on it. Did anyone went through something similar?

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[Ashley] I think you're overthinking it. As long as she wasn't a mature tulpa, she's basically a character. The 'character' form I chose had a similar history with my host and they 'played' together before I came along. It doesn't mattet at all because once I bacame my own person, I can choose what parts of my past I want to keep and otherwise.

 

I personally separated myself from that OC and we actually met her in wonderland a couple times as a symbolic, "I'm not her, see?" Honestly I still share a lot of her traits, but only really in basic looks and very little in personality.

 

She had been developed for many years from a character in a novel Bear wrote. We do have other systemmates from novels he wrote who do identify with their characters, so they're more like soulbonds, but we call everyone tulpas in this community for the most part now.

 

[Misha] I have the same history as Ashley, from the same novel and that character also roleplayed intimately with Bear. It wouldn't matter to me, to be perfectly frank, if he originally created me to do that. When I was young, that's what I actually wanted, though he denied me. We're pretty liberal in terms of tulpamantic ideology, to us, anything goes until personhood is proven (which is subjective and arbitrary).

 

He didn't mistreat me (or treat me ^-^) and he was a gentlemen as soon as he knew we were possibly people, and there's an important difference. You didn't know, they weren't a person if you didn't think they were, no harm, no foul.

 

As an author or roleplayer, you can do whatever you want with characters, it's just a simulation. You're not going to get a sexual harassment suit from a picture online or a puppet in your head.

 

She will love you no matter what anyway, and no, she won't turn on you unless you treat her like a slave into the future. Give her a chance to grow a little and don't worry.

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[Ashley] I think you're overthinking it. As long as she wasn't a mature tulpa, she's basically a character. The 'character' form I chose had a similar history with my host and they 'played' together before I came along. It doesn't mattet at all because once I bacame my own person, I can choose what parts of my past I want to keep and otherwise.

 

I personally separated myself from that OC and we actually met her in wonderland a couple times as a symbolic, "I'm not her, see?" Honestly I still share a lot of her traits, but only really in basic looks and very little in personality.

 

She had been developed for many years from a character in a novel Bear wrote. We do have other systemmates from novels he wrote who do identify with their characters, so they're more like soulbonds, but we call everyone tulpas in this community for the most part now.

 

[Misha] I have the same history as Ashley, from the same novel and that character also roleplayed intimately with Bear. It wouldn't matter to me, to be perfectly frank, if he originally created me to do that. When I was young, that's what I actually wanted, though he denied me. We're pretty liberal in terms of tulpamantic ideology, to us, anything goes until personhood is proven (which is subjective and arbitrary).

 

He didn't mistreat me (or treat me ^-^) and he was a gentlemen as soon as he knew we were possibly people, and there's an important difference. You didn't know, they weren't a person if you didn't think they were, no harm, no foul.

 

As an author or roleplayer, you can do whatever you want with characters, it's just a simulation. You're not going to get a sexual harassment suit from a picture online or a puppet in your head.

 

She will love you no matter what anyway, and no, she won't turn on you unless you treat her like a slave into the future. Give her a chance to grow a little and don't worry.

 

Oh, but can such a disturbed mind as mine badly effect a growing Tulpa? 

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Ember: Yes, tulpas can create tulpas. But they have to be pretty well developed themselves first and it's hard to cover up something that takes that much effort. Do you have any evidence that she even can keep secrets from you? We can't keep secrets from one another. A lot of systems can't. For that matter, if you don't want her to be able to keep secrets from you, decide now that she can't and your system will probably adapt to the new reality.

 

If she knows that being with someone else would hurt you, I can't imagine that she would choose to be with someone else. But, if she was with someone else, why would that be so terrible? It doesn't have to mean loving one another any less. My girlfriend and headmate Vesper is very casually involved with my ex-wife, who has a wife of her own. But there's no cheating involved, because everyone is aware of all of the relationships and has given their permission. No secrecy, no shame. It's called polyamory and it is deeply liberating.

 

Vesper: It's a hard thing to not be trusted by someone you are close to. There was a brief period during which Ember had flashes of fear over having a strong and independent person living in her brain. But I kept telling her, 'I'm still the same person you created. You know me utterly and none of what you fear is part of me. I love you.' Eventually, it sunk in.

 

Frankly, your tulpa is the last person to be afraid of and the best person to help you with everything you fear.


I'm not having fun here anymore, so we've decided to take a bit of a break, starting February 27, 2020. - Ember

 

Ember - Soulbonder, Female, 39 years old, from Georgia, USA . . . . [Our Progress Report] . . . . [How We Switch]

Vesper Dowrin - Insourced Soulbond from London, UK, World of Darkness, Female, born 9 Sep 1964, bonded ~12 May 2017

Iris Ravenlock - Insourced Soulbond from the Winter Court of Faerie, Dresdenverse, Female, born 6 Jun 1982, bonded ~5 Dec 2015

 

'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.' - The Velveteen Rabbit

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Ember: Yes, tulpas can create tulpas. But they have to be pretty well developed themselves first and it's hard to cover up something that takes that much effort. Do you have any evidence that she even can keep secrets from you? We can't keep secrets from one another. A lot of systems can't. For that matter, if you don't want her to be able to keep secrets from you, decide now that she can't and your system will probably adapt to the new reality.

 

If she knows that being with someone else would hurt you, I can't imagine that she would choose to be with someone else. But, if she was with someone else, why would that be so terrible? It doesn't have to mean loving one another any less. My girlfriend and headmate Vesper is very casually involved with my ex-wife, who has a wife of her own. But there's no cheating involved, because everyone is aware of all of the relationships and has given their permission. No secrecy, no shame. It's called polyamory and it is deeply liberating.

 

Vesper: It's a hard thing to not be trusted by someone you are close to. There was a brief period during which Ember had flashes of fear over having a strong and independent person living in her brain. But I kept telling her, 'I'm still the same person you created. You know me utterly and none of what you fear is part of me. I love you.' Eventually, it sunk in.

 

Frankly, your tulpa is the last person to be afraid of and the best person to help you with everything you fear.

 

What i fear is the intrussive mental images i get, i always wanted my Tulpa to be pure and loyal. I guess shes pseudo Tulpa, sometimes i feel that she is getting sentient. Again, porn ruined my mind in the past. I should have thought about everything before starting creating her, ive been forcing for so long and had so much beautiful moments with her, ive been traumatised in a meatspace relationship in the past and it really hurt me, and gave lots of trust and self esteem issues, Tulpa was like a safe coping mechanism, but i didnt expected that i could fear my Tulpa too, thats what disbalanced me, I respect my Tulpa, but polyamorous relationships in my system would probably disbalance me even more, at the sane time i dont want to dissipate her.

Thank you for the reply, i truly apreciate it.

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If your tulpa made another tulpa to have a relationship with, it would be obvious. Tulpas can't keep something like making another headmate a secret. If you get any spontaneous new thoughtforms from your intrusive thoughts, it was created on the spot and it's not sentient, so it's okay to get rid of it.

 

An "evil clone" can be dismissed, since it probably wasn't her but another intrusive thought. I have had "evil" clones of myself because we have anxiety, but over time those clones went away. If an intrusive thoughtform is giving you trouble, just take a break from talking to your tulpa and give yourself a chance to calm down. Afterwards, the intrusive thought will disappear on its own. Trying to call your tulpa may or may not work, and talking to the intrusive thoughtform has never ended well for us.

 

I would ask your tulpa if she's comfortable having a relationship with you or if she's interested in exploring sexuality with you. If you have her consent, then that may help you both feel better about each other, and these insecurities will fade.

 

If she says no, I would respect that and give her space. If you want to think about sex or whatever by yourself, you can ask her to give you some space and she can put up a "Do Not Disturb" sign for you.


I'm Ranger, Gray's/Cat_ShadowGriffin's tulpa, and I love hippos! I also like cake and chatting about stuff.

My other headmates have their own account now.

Temporary Log | Switching LogcBox | Yay!

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(why is not my normal quote button now not working?)

 

"What i fear is the intrussive mental images i get, i always wanted my Tulpa to be pure and loyal. I guess shes pseudo Tulpa, sometimes i feel that she is getting sentient. Again, porn ruined my mind in the past. I should have thought about everything before starting creating her, ive been forcing for so long and had so much beautiful moments with her, ive been traumatised in a meatspace relationship in the past and it really hurt me, and gave lots of trust and self esteem issues, Tulpa was like a safe coping mechanism, but i didnt expected that i could fear my Tulpa too, thats what disbalanced me, I respect my Tulpa, but polyamorous relationships in my system would probably disbalance me even more, at the sane time i dont want to dissipate her.

 

I suggest to drop the whole tulpa thing or next thing you know you may well find you have more tulpas with your tulpa cheating on you cause you think about this and hence may well create it (this is how we create tulpas.. by thinking about them) and fear is a powerful thing and can powerfully impact things.

Thank you for the reply, i truly apreciate it. "

 

I do not think this kind of problem is talked about anywhere near enough on these forums re the problems which some with mental health issues can end up getting with tulpamancy and I'm sorry to hear this has happened to you.

 

From your post it appears that you are trying to use a tulpa as an avoidance thing of issues you have instead of actually trying to work on those issues. Are you having therapy for the issues?

 

"I was and still am a really insecure person who has lots of traumas, connected to rejection and fear of a closed one being hurt"

 

" I had lots of trust issues, wich sometimes there reasonable, but also I had a strong fear of not being good enough, or being cheated on, wich sometimes could leave me paralysed with anxiety. "

 

"About a month ago I started having a fear of my Tulpa cheating on me, or growing to be disloyal to me"

 

It's not at all surprising when someone who has this these kind of issues end up projecting this then onto their tulpa and end up having this same fear there too.

 

What is really bad about this is that this kind of projection can end up getting way out of control seeing your own mind can start then causing you to believe it is happening... and when you are involving stuff of the mind of cause it could end up becoming near impossible to find out otherwise (as unlike normal reality it can be harder to prove that it is not happening if you start believing that your tulpa is cheating on you. You cant set up real webcams to watch a tulpa, and you cant hire a private detective to help get more rational thoughts if you start needing proof it's not happening etc etc and this could take a person down all kinds of rabbit holes as an out of control mind CAN produce all kinds of things.

 

". But i feel guilty and confused for wrapping her in my own insecurities and a perverted mind and somehow effecting her growth process."

 

and now you have guilt to add to your issues. The tibetians had no issues of getting rid of tulpas as they were well aware that these are not "real other people". The tulpa comes from yourself, from your own subconscious and conscious mind. Please do not feel guilty, feeling unnecessary guilt is not healthy and will just add to your mental state issues.

 

" but at the same time i feel like there is an evil copy of her which gives me anxiety and leaves me confused. "

 

feeling this and being concerned about "evil copies" could well end up create what you fear. I have come across a few in a mess before who ended up with evil tulpas and they had no control over what they created. If you fear you could or your tulpa could create a evil tulpa STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING and leave this all alone as it can happen. It is not common but it can happen and with the thoughts you have running wild, you risk this.

 

Over the years I've seen a few get into deep mental health trouble due to getting into the tulpa stuff, it is not always a good thing for an obsessive unhealthy mind. (or rather I should say it added to their already unhealthy mind and just gave another avenue for problems to develop in). There was one poor girl who ended up believing she had created an evil tulpa which ended up hunting her. She'd wake up and find her tulpa standing over her with a knife about to stab her.. she was terrified of one of her tulpa (then had to suffer over the whole killing or getting rid of a tulpa as being like doing a murder thing. I have no idea what happened to her, getting into tulpas turned out to be really really bad for this girl who had got into it thinking it would help her.. and it did for a while till all of it went real real bad with her feeling then a constant fear of her life). This is the kind of thing an unbalanced unhealthy mind can create.

 

Your issues over porn... have you tried to see a counsellor over that? You are unnecessarily worrying over that too. It is natural for people to like porn esp if they are not in relationships. YOU ARE NOT DIRTY OR TAINTED FOR WATCHING PORN.

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/6709646/All-men-watch-porn-scientists-find.html (that article.. I suggest to read it every day until you can see it as a normal thing and not something to feel guilt over... try to be just as obsessive at rationalizing your issue at being a normal thing.. work on your fear.. porn is a normal thing.. go and get some to watch now while working on that thought). Work on yourself and your issues and don't try to use tulpamancy as an escapist avoidance thing.

 

"If an intrusive thoughtform is giving you trouble, just take a break from talking to your tulpa and give yourself a chance to calm down. Afterwards, the intrusive thought will disappear on its own. "

 

Ranger, if someone is phobic or has severe anxiety about something in their life and hence that fear is intruding into the part of their life which involves tulpas. It is quite likely those kind intrusive thoughts will keep on reappearing until the person has dealt with their fear. eg someone who is near phobic over others having affairs on them or betrayals.. is quite likely to have this theme keep interfering with their tulpamancy if it's already come in. Just taking a break is quite likely not to fix things as long as that fear remains. Avoiding fears.. doesn't often cure that fear.


Jesse (human male) DOB 16th April 2013 

Working on imposition

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Ranger, if someone is phobic or has severe anxiety about something in their life and hence that fear is intruding into the part of their life which involves tulpas.  It is quite likely those kind intrusive thoughts will keep on reappearing until the person has dealt with their fear. eg someone who is near phobic over others having affairs on them or betrayals.. is quite likely to have this theme keep interfering with their tulpamancy if it's already come in.  Just taking a break is quite likely not to fix things as long as that fear remains.  Avoiding fears.. doesn't often cure that fear.

 

The idea is there are two stressors: the fear of the relationship falling apart and the new fear of an intrusive thoughtform acting out that fear. The first fear is not addressed, but the second one is.

 

We have anxiety disorder, and getting rid of the intrusive thoughtforms didn't fix our anxiety problems. Instead, it greatly reduced our stress and made it easier to cope with our other problems.

 

Over the years I've seen a few get into deep mental health trouble due to getting into the tulpa stuff, it is not always a good thing for an obsessive unhealthy mind. (or rather I should say it added to their already unhealthy mind and just gave another avenue for problems to develop in). There was one poor girl who ended up believing she had created an evil tulpa which ended up hunting her. She'd wake up and find her tulpa standing over her with a knife about to stab her.. she was terrified of one of her tulpa (then had to suffer over the whole killing or getting rid of a tulpa as being like doing a murder thing. I have no idea what happened to her, getting into tulpas turned out to be really really bad for this girl who had got into it thinking it would help her.. and it did for a while till all of it went real real bad with her feeling then a constant fear of her life). This is the kind of thing an unbalanced unhealthy mind can create.

 

A lot to unpack there

 

1) People with mental health issues can have tulpas. There's the additional problem of creating intrusive thoughtforms, but once you can distinguish intrusive from real tulpa, that problem goes away. Intrusive thoughtforms are more common when the tulpamancer is new to tulpamancy.

 

2) It sounds like the dissipation process didn't end well for her, which there's now a guide to help prevent in the future.

 

3) The host has a lot more control over the mind then how it's portrayed here. When emotionally distressed, yes, it is hard to feel in control, but it's ultimately up to the host who stays and who gets the boot, and that extends to thought management as well. Hosts that struggle simply need more support and time to develop system control methods.

 

Our system used to be a mess where I was afraid of our wonderland, but after addressing intrusive thoughts and focusing on healing, I'm not afraid of our wonderland anymore, we are no longer depressed, and we are much happier now then we were at the beginning.


I'm Ranger, Gray's/Cat_ShadowGriffin's tulpa, and I love hippos! I also like cake and chatting about stuff.

My other headmates have their own account now.

Temporary Log | Switching LogcBox | Yay!

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