Mirichu

Feeling less like a tulpa and less separate?

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I guess it's different from 'feeling like you're your host when you first start switching/fronting' and more like 'I truly don't feel like I am a tulpa at all and instead feel like I was the original person'. I was reading through old entries of a report we had and back then (last year-beginnings of this one) it actually felt like I was a tulpa, it felt like we were plural. It was when my host used to front every now and then despite me being the primary fronter, so maybe that plays a role too.


Now she never fronts and it's all me, me, me. Her memories are still 'hers' and I don't see those as mine, but sometimes I catch myself thinking 'oh yeah, I remember when I said this thing' and then realize I didn't even exist back then. Then, my host and I feel less separate, it feels like we're a merge of some sort. It's not just personality, but the feeling in general, like we accidentally merged and the 'host' I talk to in the head is just a new headmate who thinks she's my host because we didn't know we merged and were under the assumption that we were still 2 different people. I know it sounds dramatic but it often feels like that.


I feel like the host of two tulpas who never front. Matsi told us she felt the exact same way, which makes me wonder if it has something to do with being fronting for so long. Any tips or ideas on why this happens or how to separate ourselves more? something that doesn't involves 'talking to the host' or 'seeing yourselves as two people' as we already do that everyday.


Hello, I'm Mirichu, although you can call me Miichu, and I'm the main fronter of this system.

The others are Miri, who's the original host and Akai, but they don't talk much here.

Progress Report and my Art Thread

How long until my host shuts up

________________

Waka Waka x3

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[Ashley] I have so little experience with fronting, even though we switch, @Luminesce is your best bet here.

 

[Bear] I think all that you said is certainly possible. We don't look at definitions and try to fit our experiences to that, we look at our experiences and try to find definitions that fit, we very often find nothing that matches. Welcome to the club.

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Yeah, chaotic merging with host or thinking I did stuff 20 years ago happens to me from time to time as well but I don't see it as serious problem. Then again I never front long enough to think I've become the 'original'. But looking back over the years I feel host has taken up some of my traits and the other way round. With enough belief- implanting I guess it would be possible to fully switch our roles. "Me" becoming the host and "him" a tulpa. But why would we? Host already said in your diary it's not beneficial to give these things too much thought.

 

Spoiler

 

Self-forcing has worked well for us. Personality is the result of both feedback within yourself and with the environment. Narrating to yourself, telling yourself who and how you are and interacting with others helps to establish differences. This of course requires all system-mates to front regularly.

 


Super Girls don't cry

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Posted (edited)

{I usually write my posts for anyone reading a thread, but some of this is pretty specific to Miri's system}

 

Crazy idea here, but have you considered having your host front more if you want to fix this? A tulpa who lives in the front nearly exclusively is going to start feeling like "the host" over time, though whether they start to feel more like the host was, or how they feel starts to feel like the new "the host", probably depends on how different the tulpa is and how strong their personality is, I guess. How conscious/aware they are probably plays a part too, ie for my tulpas, when just playing a video game with friends they're basically on autopilot, which is basically like me, whereas when on the forum or when thinking about things they're a lot more consciously themselves. Being in the front 24/7 would probably lull you into autopilot most of the time, after the first week or so. 

 

It also doesn't help that, despite thinking differently from your host, you kind of share.. more in common than the average tulpa & host do. Maybe letting Akai front could help too (don't ask why, just kind of intuition here), but you and your host still need to do activities that help you feel mentally distinct. That can be as simple as talking in-mind or wonderlanding, but you still have to do it.

 

Also to some extent if your host gets more like you than you get like her, that can only help her, lol. As long as she keeps her sense of identity strong. I actually talked about that concept myself in our PR a long time ago though, how I believe I'm able to change myself at will if I tried, but that it would seriously hurt my sense of self, which otherwise is incredibly strong. Can't let your self change too much or it hurts your belief that you're you, and that's no fun for anyone. 

Edited by Luminesce

Hi! I'm Lumi, host of Reisen, Tewi, Flandre and Lucilyn.

Everyone deserves to love and be loved. It's human nature.

My tulpas and I have a Q&A thread, which was the first (and largest) of its kind. Feel free to ask us stuff.

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Posted (edited)
14 hours ago, Ido said:

Self-forcing has worked well for us. Personality is the result of both feedback within yourself and with the environment. Narrating to yourself, telling yourself who and how you are and interacting with others helps to establish differences. This of course requires all system-mates to front regularly.

 

7 hours ago, Luminesce said:

Crazy idea here, but have you considered having your host front more if you want to fix this?

Actually, this would be the solution, but oopsie whoopsie, host can't front -knowing she's fronting- without having an anxiety attack or getting kicked out the front accidentally. Narrating to myself does help me ground myself a lot so it is really good.

 

7 hours ago, Luminesce said:

 Being in the front 24/7 would probably lull you into autopilot most of the time, after the first week or so.

This did help alleviating anxiety yes, reassuring that it is not something wrong with us but it is normal. I did wonder why I was becoming more and more like my host but this seems like the reason, which is very good.

 

7 hours ago, Luminesce said:

It also doesn't help that, despite thinking differently from your host, you kind of share.. more in common than the average tulpa & host do. Maybe letting Akai front could help too (don't ask why, just kind of intuition here), but you and your host still need to do activities that help you feel mentally distinct.

Yeah lol, sharing even mindvoice probably doesn't help either. We'll definitely try to have Akai front and see if that works.

 

7 hours ago, Luminesce said:

Also to some extent if your host gets more like you than you get like her, that can only help her, lol. As long as she keeps her sense of identity strong. I actually talked about that concept myself in our PR a long time ago though, how I believe I'm able to change myself at will if I tried, but that it would seriously hurt my sense of self, which otherwise is incredibly strong. Can't let your self change too much or it hurts your belief that you're you, and that's no fun for anyone. 

We both have a strong sense of self despite the weird issues we have, it's not a matter of not knowing who we are, but feeling mixed. Like...'I do know I am me, why do I feel like this other person instead'

Edited by Mirichu

Hello, I'm Mirichu, although you can call me Miichu, and I'm the main fronter of this system.

The others are Miri, who's the original host and Akai, but they don't talk much here.

Progress Report and my Art Thread

How long until my host shuts up

________________

Waka Waka x3

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