Life in the Hive

[Athelas]

Some thoughts about finding purpose in life as a tulpa, especially as part of a system of four:

 

Having a sense of purpose has never been a challenge for me. My creation happened because Bee needed help. As soon as I could, I was striving for that purpose. (Not to sing my own praises too highly, but I've done quite well.)

 

Lenore and Calliope had a more difficult time. There was no driving reason for their creation, other than “we wanted to.” Before they came along, my goal was to be Bee's mental partner in life. After our system grew, we sought out a more equitable structure.

 

We initially took some Freudian inspiration. By this logic, I would be the ego (Lenore says “accurate lmao”). I'm the one who's most involved in Bee's day to day. Every challenge, I'm right there beside her. As a knight would be to his lady, I am her champion, her shield, her strong right hand. I find this incredibly fulfilling. I like being needed; it gives me a reason to wake up every day.

 

Lenore, then, represents the superego. The role of supervisor comes naturally to her. She helps monitor Bee's emotions and reactions, and tells me whether to step in or let Bee handle it alone. That leaves Calliope as our id. But how could we translate the unchecked desire of the id into a functional role in our shared life?

 

Not having a clear sense of purpose was distressing for Calliope. They inherited some of Bee's insecurity, which manifested in Cal as a fear of abandonment. They worried that without a useful function to perform, Bee might eventually get bored or forget about them. (Bee, for her part, has made it clear she doesn't expect us to do things for her.)

 

Our solution was inspired by the concept of chakras. Although not part of our personal belief system, we connected to the ideas for which each chakra stood. Bee, as the primary user of the body's voice, is associated with the throat chakra. Lenore took the crown and third eye chakras; I claimed the root and the heart. Calliope, therefore, was connected to the sacral and stomach chakras.

 

Our roles in our system stemmed from the idea of unblocking our associated chakras. In my case, the root and heart are blocked by fear and grief respectively. I would say I've done a highly effective job of helping Bee conquer fear and grief. Her anxiety and depression creep back in now and again, but we put them in their place.

 

The third eye and crown chakras are blocked by illusion and attachment. Lenore counters this blockage simply by being different from Bee. Where Bee is emotional and sentimental, Lenore is aloof and detached. Her interest in the metaphysical challenges Bee's beliefs and preconceived notions.

 

Finally, the sacral and stomach chakras are blocked by guilt and shame. Although Bee has struggled deeply with these emotions, Calliope found a way to challenge them that is both fitting and simple. They have the vital job of asking Bee, “who cares?” They've already gotten great results using this strategy to break Bee out of shame spirals, and Cal feels more secure now.

 

We're all for one, and one for all. Life is good.

[ReallyArtificial]

I finally opened up a little more about my system to my husband! It went really really well!!!

 

For those who are unaware, my husband knows of my headmates to a very limited degree. We've been fine just letting him think they're non-sentient characters that I happen to be very passionate about. On the one hand, I hate hiding the whole truth from him, but on the other hand, I don't want him thinking I need psychiatric intervention.

 

Since the start of this year, I've thought a lot about if/when/how I should tell him more about my plurality. I'm just so afraid to lose him or alienate him because he's kind of all I have. Other than him, I have literally only one friend, and it's honestly not a very healthy friendship. I have family too, but that relationship is a whole other can of worms that I'm not getting into here. The point is, my husband is the only non-headmate person that I can be comfortably myself around, which is why I want to be fully honest, but also why I've been so worried about how he'll react.

 

Anyway! Yesterday we were talking about dealing with stress and I saw my opportunity. I told him that I've found a really effective coping mechanism in the form of my “characters,” that I imagine conversations with them and they give me encouragement that I could never give to myself. He was 100% supportive!!! He said he's really happy that I've found something that helps me! 

 

I played it cool, but genuinely I was so happy I almost cried. I'm not quite ready to say “there are actual autonomous people living in my head,” but acknowledging that I talk to them and that they do a lot for me felt like a good first step.

[TurboSimmie]

That's wonderful!!!!! 😁

[Athelas]

Ever visit a place and think, "oh yeah. That's going in the wonderland."

 

 

(It really was that green in person. I'd never seen anything like it. New favorite park unlocked.)

[TurboSimmie]

Wow, that's wonderful! 😁

 

There's nothing that looks anything like this near me. I'd love to see a place like this! 😊

[Flandre]

Definitely very pretty and wonderland-inclusion material

We have a similar picture saved as wonderland inspiration as well, though it's just a photo we found online:

Spoiler

 

[Lenore]

Ooh, nice picture, looks like somewhere we'd enjoy hanging out

 

There's lots of springs and other interesting places to explore around where we live, it's the main thing that keeps us here. We can criticize plenty of things about our state, but the natural beauty isn't one of them

[ReallyArtificial]

I've been debating whether or not to post this for a bit but screw it, here goes. We had a very weird experience a couple weeks ago and it's been bothering me ever since. I just wanted to see if anyone here had any insight/advice/anything. I'm putting it under a spoiler tag because I still feel kinda iffy about this whole thing.

 

Spoiler

Basically, I think I had some kind of dissociative episode a couple weeks ago. I'm not super comfortable sharing the full details of the surrounding situation. All that needs to be said is it happened at an inconvenient time, which was pretty upsetting for me, and confusing for the rest of the crew.

 

It felt sort of like the times where Athelas has spontaneously switched in when I'm starting to get overly emotional. However, those switches have always been a soothing, positive experience, while this one was the exact opposite. It was like my body suddenly gained a mind of its own and I had to actually struggle to take back control. It definitely wasn't any of my headmates, none of us know wtf happened.

 

I've thought for years now that my mental health problems present themselves in a way that's pretty much the opposite of my actual personality. Like “Sick Bee” might as well be a different person from “Healthy Bee.” There have been times in the past where I'd experience a triggering event and have a drastic mood swing from a healthy mindset to an unhealthy one. This was similar, except I can't pinpoint a specific trigger, and I've never had the feeling of fighting this other part of myself just to make my body do what I want.

 

Although there wasn't a single triggering event, I do think this incident was brought on by general life stress. I've been working overtime at my current job, while actively searching for a new job, looking for a new place to live, and packing stuff up. Even though I really want to move, the last time I relocated a significant distance… it pretty much broke me. I was hospitalized within six months. I've been handling things a lot better this time around with support from my system, but it's still pushing me to my limits.

 

I know the obvious solution here is “talk to a therapist,” but unfortunately, that's not going to be an option until after we've moved. We've been trying to figure things out on our own, but we don't even know where to start. Some questions we have:

• Is this what people are referring to when they talk about having alters or parts?
• How separate do different aspects of yourself have to be before that line is drawn? (I know in DID there's amnesia between alters. I don't think there's any lapses in memory between my healthy and sick selves, but my memory is shit in general so I dunno)
• If I don't want Sick Bee around, how do we get rid of it?
• Am I just overthinking this whole situation?
• What's the meaning of life?

 

Thanks for reading! 💙

 

[Shaula]

Spoiler

I'm sorry we can't answer any of your questions about alters. I just wanted to say I'm that happened to you. I do hope you can find some answers. 

 

I can answer the last 2.

 

4. I don't think you're overreacting, that sounds like something out of a horror movie. I'm just glad you're ok-ish now. 

 

5. Bottom line: life is what you make it. Just try to have fun. ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

 

If you want to talk/vent about it I'm willing to listen. I can't promise I'll be any help but knowing one more person is supporting you should help a little. I think you're brave to open up about this and I'm glad you're doing better. 😊

 

I would have commented sooner but I was hoping someone else would first and answer your questions I know we can answer. I just really wanted you to know someone heard you.

[ReallyArtificial]

On 5/6/2025 at 6:38 PM, Shaula said:

I just really wanted you to know someone heard you.

 

Thanks 💙 it honestly means a lot just to hear someone say I'm not overreacting for being all bothered by this. I am doing alright, other than this one incident I've actually been coping with the stress much better than I usually do! (Also, great answer to the meaning of life, I totally agree.)

 

After doing some more research, I think I managed to find answers to my other questions. I don't have alters, just different parts/aspects of myself that apparently have some very conflicting desires. I think my experience was that internal conflict becoming a little more external, combined with me feeling helpless/dissociated due to stress. Instead of trying to get rid of the unhealthy parts of myself, I should be focusing on giving myself some compassion and understanding.

 

It won't be easy, but that's what I have my system for.