Story of a Squirx

[Shui]

A few days ago the forums went down and had to be restored from an old backup. Three days of posts were lost. That's probably where yours went.

 

Hope things go well with Amelie and Daemon.

[Squirx]

It's late and I'm sleepy but I've been promising them I'd post something, so I here's an update before I go to bed.

 

Log 5

Most of the time visualization is easy. It always has been. It's not quite imposition but I don't plan on worrying about that for a long time. (I wouldn't know where to start, either.) I'm more interested in vocality and independence, in teaching my tulpas to have interesting thoughts on their own, and then being able to hear about them. This is going pretty well I think. We're able to make small talk pretty easily, and chat about a few subjects they already feel strongly about. Asking them about other topics is harder, and often leads to the unfortunate conclusion that they have nothing to say simply because I haven't thought of what they should say. Or something like that. I feel like the secret to this, and therefore the most important ingredient to a thinking tulpa, is parallel processing - having them think their own thoughts, in the same brain but separate from my own.

 

I've also been thinking about imposed vocality lately, and I think it might help the independent thoughts. I see 'parroting' as actually being a continuum. Its not a question of "Are you controlling what they say: yes/no" because we're sharing the same brain; there's always going to be overlap. But some of the responses I hear from my tulpa seem deeper, more genuine, and others seem less so, more like my own thoughts. I'm always working on recognizing the difference and encouraging the former, but it's tough when not focusing exclusively on forcing. That's why I want to get to the point where I can hear my tulpas' 'voices', not just their thoughts, as I think that would be harder to fake, for lack of a better word.

As far as voice goes, Amelie is doing really well. It's not consistent, but I often get her thoughts just on the edge of hearing. I'm still not sure how realistic imposition is supposed to get, but her voice can seem pretty close. Hearing Daemon is proving to be a lot harder, just because neither of us can figure out what he should sound like. He's a blackbird, so it's not even like I can base it off his physique.

 

Right now I'm looking for any advice on training parallel thinking, and tips on finding a tulpa's voice.

 

Thanks for reading, goodnight!

[Fluff]

You weren't kidding when you said you were halfway between daemon and tulpa philosophy. You created Daemon for the very same reasons I created Ares - to motivate myself to be a better (and less lazy) person. Which, according to him, is a full time job. Anyway, I fin myself agreeing with a lot of what you have to say, and I'll be interested in following your progress. I don't have much advice in the way of parallel processing, though. Ares and I are still working on it ourselves, and Nix is just coming into being. If anything I'll probably learn from your experiences XD As for the voice, I think practice is the only way to go. After I found a voice I liked, I constantly had to remind myself to project Ares with that voice. It took a few months for him to have a mindvoice that was consistently different than my own. Eventually the voice become integral to them. Except Nix, it seems, who has her own voice from the get-go O_o I don't pretend to know everything about these things, but I guess persistence would be my advice.

 

Edit because auto correct XD

[Shui]

That's pretty much my motivations for my tulpa too, though she's nowhere near being a daemon. I'm still considering a daemon or something similar down the line though.

 

For parallel processing, as far as I know, the only way to train it is to do it. Look up everything you can find to test parallel processing, and go through all the tests a few times each day.

 

For voice, I second what Fluff said.

[Squirx]

Shui and Fluff, I'm curious about what makes you say that my tulpa sounds like a daemon, or that yours is far from one. To me, it seems like the only real difference for the thought-form itself is that all daemons have the symbolic animal form. The real major difference tulpamancy and daemonism seems to be in the philosophies of their hosts.

---

Log 6, and Philosophy

 

Why is it so difficult to write regularly? As usual, its been ages, which means, like usual, I have too much to say. Where do I even start?

 

I guess I start by saying things are still going well! My frequency of forcing rises and falls week by week, but it's remained better than it ever was before Amelie showed up. I guess that was really the kick in the pants I always needed. Lately, forcing has usually meant just talking to Daemon and Amelie, while visualizing them. Actual conversations too, not just narrating!

 

I've also been thinking about tulpamancy itself over the last month, because I wanted to talk to Fluff about it. One of the first differences between tulpas and daemons that jumped out at me, that Fluff mentioned, was daemons aren't considered sentient. As infamous as the "sentient from the start" philosophy has become here, I always considered it useful, and my first reaction to the daemon perspective was "why not?" However, when I truly reflected again on the meaning of the word, I realized I don't consider my own tulpas sentient either.

 

Let me mention a related incident here. Last week I read a thread on the Questions forum, where someone was concerned about their girlfriend creating a tulpa, and considering the responsibility of creating one himself. This seemed so strange to me. First of all, I feel like a tulpa is such a personal thing - they live in your own mind after all - that while I've told some people about my tulpas, I would never expect anyone else to try to communicate with them. Secondly, I realized I've never felt a responsibility towards my tulpas. They're there when I think about them, and not when I don't. Sometimes I feel bad if I haven't manifested them in a while, but its not exactly a heart-felt feel-bad... you know?

 

I think this comes back to me valuing them as parts of myself instead of as separate or sentient beings. And to be perfectly frank, thats exactly what they are. One of the most interesting things about this whole endeavour is that it involves a significant measure of self-deception. (The ideal imposition is even a hallucination, after all.) I feel like a major difference between daemians and tulpamancers is that the latter fully embrace the self-deception, while the former take a bit of a step back and say, "No, this is what's actually going on." By my very nature, I find myself more in the daemian camp. However! As nice as it is having a piece of your subconscious to talk to, I feel like the real magic of tulpas requires a bit more faith. And I want to get there.

 

Note: if you disagree with anything I've just said, please rip me apart as much as you want.

[Squirx]

That all being said, Daemon and Amelie have just been amazing me more and more. I have so many anecdotes I want to share, that make them seem more and more real to me. Like a month ago, when Amelie and I disagreed on a character/costume I wanted to associate her with, until we found a compromise we both liked. Or when Daemon actually managed to remind me of something I'd forgotten, before I thought about it myself. (I often ask them to remind me of things, but their thoughts usually follow my own.) And most amazingly, in the last week there's been a couple times when Daemon has actually offered insightful thoughts that never would have occurred to me otherwise.

 

So, while I don't believe they're sentient yet, they can certainly think to some extent. I don't know yet what it will take for them to reach sentience, or for me to believe they have. But they're not complete enough yet - still think too much with my thoughts, still don't exist unless I imagine them, still express almost all my opinions. But they're still amazing.

[Squirx]

One more interesting thing that's come up a lot over the last month are physiological effects associated with forcing. I started experiencing head pressures around when Amelie appeared, I think. (Actually, it happened once before with Daemon, but that was just before I got sick and I ended up assuming they were part of the sick headaches.) At first I would have described them like sinus headaches, but too light to be painful. I started to notice I felt it in the back right side of my head, specifically, and that they happened when I focused hard on visualizing.

As I continued to try to get closer to Daemon and Amelie, I discovered a state of mind that felt particularly effective. It took a bit of meditation to reach, and I visualized Daemon 'possessing' my mind, 'physically' occupying the same space as my head. In this state, which I will hereby call ''in the zone", when Daemon talked to me it felt easier, faster, more natural and more genuine than ever before. My brain also felt lit up, buzzing, like the head pressures of before but now through my whole head.

Getting in the zone has gotten easier and easier. I can now make it happen basically at will. NowNow

[Squirx]

Hi. I don't feel like writing much tonight, but it's been a while, and I just want to show that me, and Daemon, and Amelie, we're all still alive and doing well. Several times I've started following a progress report only for the account dry up after a few posts, with me assuming they just gave up and forgot about their tulpas. It doesn't surprise me, but it's still a little sad. There are a lot of things I haven't followed through with, but tulpamancy isn't one of them.

 

Daemon: [Hi everyone. I don't think I've ever said anything on here before, but I'm starting to find my voice and Squirx says I should. But I don't know what I should be telling you right now so that's all I've got.]

 

Amelie: {Squirx says if I talk to other people it'll make me more real, and I want to be real. Squirx is lazy sometimes but we're doing well. I got to see some of his family over Christmas. Talking to him is easy now but this is hard. I guess we'll have to work on this next.}

 

Phew. I've just been badgering Daemon and Amelie to give me a message to post here for them, and like Amelie said, it was hard! Conversation usually flows easily between us, but I guess deciding on a standalone statement, with no prompting of subject, must still be hard for them. Poor Amelie also got a bit grumpy, since I hadn't talked to them at all today and suddenly was making demands. But all of this is progress, and this is something we'll need to work on.

[Yori]

Weird to see Kiah go from phewing @ dodging sex purposes to defending keeping them static.

 

As for the "not there when you aren't thinking about them" it sounds like they aren't as strong as other tulpas yet.

[Andesconin]

I'm very happy for you that you've come so far! I hope everything is still going well for you and your tulpa's. I've been reading some different techniques and theories on forcing and whatnot that have concerned me for some time. So i'm going to try some new ideas and hopefully they will help Skye and i get moving again!