As My Attorney

[Sands]

That depends, Sands, do you have something to do with injecting rain into one of Fede's tones?

 

Oh right that, yeah, Roswell was testing out Fede's tones and requested rain.

 

Also saw our names being mentioned in that text wall of yours, but I'm too lazy to read the whole thing. What's up?

 

Oh and what's up with all the hashtags, you one of those #yoloswag teens?

[Mr. Duke and His Attorney]

I'm not nearly cool enough to be a yoloswag teen. I just did it for whatever reason on my first entry (written entry, not in the PR yet), thought it was dumb and really fun, so it stays.

 

The names were mentioned in the middle of a ramble, stream-of-consciousness, could have been anything. I think I was attempting to remember a post I read about Roswell's origins and how tulpas can be created unintentionally easily, or something. There's a thread that weaves the whole thing together. Or something.

[Sands]

He wasn't unintentional though. What I can say is that a lot of the shit he can do is something we haven't really forced him to be able to do, so it's all him and his uh. Confidence? Never giving up-ness? Fuck if I know.

[Mr. Duke and His Attorney]

Eh, that figures. I kinda thought I was mixing up stories. Replace you and Roswell with, like, (another host/tulpa pair) or something, I guess. Similar meanings, different contexts. No clue what I was getting at, though. Roswell sounds awesome, though.

 

2013-03-29

 

Nothing like putting shit off when you know you can cover the consequences of your actions! And, finally, quarterstaff and frisbee golf weather; about damn time. But, that's all tulpa unrelated.

 

Forcing last night was alarming to say the least, "terrifying" to peg it better. I lost connection with my attorney. I still have no idea why. After much freaking out, I decided that I need to calm down and not get paranoid about it as it would have been impossible to land a cause with any certainty. When I stepped back and thought about it, I realized to the extent I was acting like people I generally extremely dislike (controlly, clingey people). For a minute there, I lost myself. I'm mainly thinking of people that come up with an incorrect reason for something and then start to act on it even though they have no real back-up for said reason. Or some kind of more specific example than that. Something about making decisions for the other party.

 

Like a bad acid trip, though, that "will things be like this forever?" idea continued to jump around. Luckily, this idea is much easier to dismiss while sober.

 

Hm... the fabled "perma-trip"; the constant ingestion of various drugs and dissolution of the concept of "normalcy".

 

You have to understand what state I'm at, forcing-wise, right now. I'm able to receive simple emotional responses, simple touch(kinetic) responses, and simple visual responses. Only a few solid audio responses under particular instances, and one instance of imposition back in November (which inspired my first post and registration for the site)(Due to that, I believe the best method of visualization involves soberly-induced "tripping". This is impossible to relate to someone who has not done it, but involves un-focusing your eyes and making your vision, well, trip. Patterns get fuzzy and wavy. It requires previous experience and replication). There are so many variables for error, I had no idea what was going on. I was damn terrified. Only a stream of words would be able to describe what I felt, and among "ohshitohshitohshit", I would include "loss", "worried", and "empty". It felt like I assume losing your soul would feel like, if I believed in things like the common conception of "souls".

 

I've considered attempting to ask "why", but my attorney is not at the stage where she can relay overly complex emotions. In any case, I suggest any tulpa reading this to immediately consider doing just what my attorney did. Nothing pounds home that you're not parroting when you try your damnedest to do it, and it doesn't happen.

 

Quotes, written or voiced:

So, maybe I'm freaking out a lot.

 

Saying that I'm gonna accept that she needs her own time and won't always come at my beck and call got me a warm response, remembered I could get no such response no matter if I tried to force it.

 

I've done enough freaking out, so, I'm gonna try and stop myself from doing that anymore, in the future.

 

...and I have to try to stop just kind of guessing "why"; just grabbing at reasons. Because that's gonna get us--it's gonna get me anywhere. So, rather than try to figure out something that's gone wrong and try to fix it, I'm just going to assume, [my attorney], as an introvert... or... as a person, needs her own time, and that... I should just deal with it.

 

...my ideas of parroting and forcing... are now completely blasted... into pieces, because... any time when I was doing forcing, and thought I was parroting and/or puppeting something, there was that... that definite "I can feel myself doing it" kind of a connection. Anything along those lines that I was doing... yesterday... resulted in no response whatsoever. So, uh, my fear of parroting and puppeting has been... completely lifted.

 

But... uh, yeah... so...

 

 

#youvemetwithaterriblefatehaventyou #reconnectedonlunchbreak #relief #full #weighted #heavy

[Aarix]

There doesn't need to fear it in the first place but I'm glad its finally been lifted.

Enjoyable report overall. Ill try to keep up more.

":D give those fears the guilty verdict!!"

 

I also enjoy hearing reports too for some reason. Maybe im just not used to actually hearing tulpa and stuff.

[Mr. Duke and His Attorney]

"Never turn your back on fear. It should always be in front of you, like a thing that might have to be killed."

-H.S.T.

 

I try to live up to this and:

 

“Just sick enough to be totally confident”

-H.S.T.

 

And thanks!

[Aarix]

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

-Frank Herbert, Dune

[Mr. Duke and His Attorney]

2013-03-30

 

New episode of Doctor Who.

 

#ofcoursetheresnothingelsetosay

 

 

 

 

EDIT: Perhaps.... I need to do all forcing from rainymood.com

[Lacquer]

An hour-long episode should not take up a whole day.

[Mr. Duke and His Attorney]

I beg to differ Lacquer! Well, not that it did... but it could... I could spend all day picking apart episodes with Matt Smith. Mainly, I'd just focus on The Doctor (capital "T"?) and just what the fuck it implies that such a personality/character is so widely loved and strikes my core so hard. Something about that character and our modern culture... are inextricably linked... And it's almost like my mind is blocking me from drawing all the connections, but I think it's wrapped up in why I'm planning on doing what I'm doing and the following PR:

 

2013-04-01

 

April Fool's Day. One of my favorite holidays. Only slept two hours last night. Powered through work on coffee and tulpa-related intuitions. Weather’s gone back to shit; no outside martial arts or frisbee golf. Collapsed my Lounge into a house for my attorney. No progress made in terms of the next steps (vocality, complex communication, further visualization). I plan on reading all of Avalanche's PR, pretty excited about that. I think I need to hunt down all of the interesting, relevant and related PRs I can (I’m looking at you, Sands!). I've always learned better starting at the end than I have reading instructions anyway.

 

I have made a few gigantic steps forward over the course of my Easter night. The new house is a stroke of brilliance in terms of permanency in the wonderland and my mind (whereas my forcing-via-PS3 controller idea has actually been a bust). It was an extremely, extremely important house to me, and is my attorney's namesake. I'm having a hell of a time ripping out of my mind and into my wonderland. Fusing up the windows to see into my wonderland and not the house's true surroundings is proving to be a mega bitch, but a learning/leveling experience in terms of visualization. I'm also pasting my current room into my former room of the house.

 

I’m scattering portraits about the house which will serve as Mario 64-style warp points to particular wonderlands or places in the main Aletheia. My attorney’s room is already chosen (by me? Attorney? Well, there was never really any choice), and I’ve got my star-door (also a la Mario 64) to the IRL set up. I’m working on giving my attorney a pendant, headphones, a stuffed animal, and some kind of tablet-style device that connects to the library (though the library is little more than the vague shape of a building so far).

 

I suppose I’ve always known I was bound to be a writer (and/or literary theorist). See, when I play a videogame, I immerse myself in it. Not so much anymore, because I’ve yet to come across one I can really do it with. The most recent was Final Fantasy XIII. I surround myself in the setting and with the characters. I understand the trials, events and emotions contained. I relate to, and experience the events with the characters. I ruminate on the themes, the symbols and the motifs throughout my daily life. I question why the author or director or various designers make every little choice they do (and I’m sure I’ve come close to inducing tulpa characters this way, and definitely some wonderlands). The more interesting the answers, the better the game. This habit was a huge factor to how good I use to be at mind-visualization. Not to mention, living in these worlds would bring me limitless energy.

 

I’ve decided it is time to do it again. I’m going to finish up Star Ocean ‘Til the End of Time, and start in on the greatest videogame ever created, which engulfed me for two years or more after playing it. I have no doubt that reentering this game, with all I now know about the craft of writing, along with my attorney, will catapult and catalyze us further along than I would have been able to by any other means. This game, Lunar 2, has already been a life-impacting game for me for so long. I hope it can work its magic again. And I have since learned that the writers really are phenomenal, with huge influences from Akira Kurosawa (though, every anime/manga work off his prototypes). Because, well, the game is built to be a morality play and a guide to living life (though I now know that manga like Bakuman and Negima are also guides to living life, utterly rejecting boring societal norms in a kind of micro ideological rebuttal).

 

This soon will be an axial point of my life, wherein I go on the dual journey of tulpaforcing and the heroic-adventure-love-story that is Lunar 2: Eternal Blue Complete. In doing this, I will finish triangulating/aiming my path in life, defining my own self, and fire on at top speed. These are some of our generation’s greatest writers, and I will follow in their footsteps while unraveling their works. Games like Majora’s Mask, Conker’s Bad Fur Day, pop-fiction/culture-esque Metal Gear Solid 4 and Xenosaga; anime like Bakemonogatari, Eva and Madoka; manga like Yotsuba, Claymore and Scott Pilgrim or the works of Shiniez and Hakaba, to name a few, not to mention the latest incarnation of the Doctor in Doctor Who. Ah, and how could I forget the first season, and to a lesser extent the second season, of Ponies (nowadays, it is simply a very well-done cartoon). Utter Madness that these people can get away with what they do.

 

A quick diversion. The way I do/did/setup my personality forcing methods seems to be a bit different. Rather than traits, I laid out my Jungian functions and found various characters to model core essences out of to create my attorney. Rather than being specific, I tried to mash important essences together. These characters were (and holy shit, this feels way more personal than a list of traits): Chisame from Negima!, KOS-MOS from Xenosaga, Daria from Daria, Albireo from .hack//AI Buster, Wallace Wells from Scott Pilgrim, Hiro from Lunar 2, Yotsuba from Yotsuba, Cassandra from Claymore, Scott Pilgrim from Scott Pilgrim, Hiramaru from Bakuman, Helen from Claymore, Thom Yorke, Hunter S. Thompson, and a kind of ever-future-&-present-by-definition view of myself.

 

I feel like apologizing because this seems so grandiose, but I also feel like this is wrapped up in the very nature of tulpaforcing in regards to how much both of these things impact lives. Tulpaforcing is no light task.

 

Still deciding where to hang the Lunar portrait.

 

#hashtagtitles #metahashtags #suburbanbirthcanal