To this day, with my Tulpa; Forcer's Block

[Guest]

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[Zer0.iNSaNiTY]

The actual view count isn't "how many people have viewed", but actually how many times the page has been pulled up, regardless of who pulled it up. There are likely people that took up anywhere from 10-80 views each, but that still means a good bit of people looked at this.

 

UGH, I was gonna say that but you beat me to it e.e; Meanie butt.

 

But dude, if I ever hit 666 on my own progress report... actually, I might do a kiriban with that XD Take a screenshot at 666 and I'll draw your tulpa free lol.

 

Anyways, reason I'm posting. You mind telling me exactly what Wren looks like? I have a general idea, but I'm not exactly sure of colours and what shoes she wears. Why? I am determined to draw a better picture of her. 1) Cuz that pic sucks (don't you dare argue with me) and 2) cuz I like her. I think I liked her before I even met you XD You posted something in the art forum with her and I pretty much wanted to draw her then and there (before I even knew who you were) but was too busy. Then I actually did meet you and I drew that crappy pic, even though I was still busy. Now, since I'm bored as hay, I'm gonna draw her again, AND SHE'S GONNA BE EPIC. So yeah, a detailed description would be awesome :P lol I feel like im destined to draw an awesome picture of her somehow XD If you have any ideas as to what she should be doing in the picture too, don't be afraid to speak up ^^ Cuz otherwise I'm just gonna do something random.

[N1ghtSl4yer]

Xeare, I'm having most trouble with em in high rank 3 Ultimate >.>

Crimson Peco quest took an extra 30 minutes and one 'life' or whatever.

 

Anyway, the point is that is is still a ton of strangers looking at my most personal thingy ever. It feels so weird but awesome @.@

 

And Floree, I'll write one up and copypaste it into a PM :3

[Zer0.iNSaNiTY]

Got it, thanks ^^ Also, the gamer talk is confusing me again XD Geez I really need to go look that stuff up.

 

BEWARE THE CREEPERS MY FRIEND, BEWAREEEEE XD

[N1ghtSl4yer]

For the past three days I've been on work experience. Where I go I have a LOT of time to do whatever the hell I want, and I thought this would be beneficial to my forcing. However, the drone of the machines lasts from 8 till 5. All fucking day and I can't force for shit. I haven't forced at all since Monday, even at home (It's Wednesday as I write this.) Although I HAVE been able to passive force and narrate a little easier - I just direct my thoughts towards her, sort of like talking to her in my head instead of myself.

I've also been writing my book, and that reminds me of where I decided on Wren's first form on. Since then I've added her in again at a later point.

Also, I had SuperFloree do a proper commission of her. She's always asking "what colour is so and so?" "How long is her sword?" "What are the jeans like again?"

A lot of this is highlighting details I had forgotten before, and that's really helping me visualize. As of now, I can pull up Wren as a sort of model if you like - a realistic, human looking, representation, without thinking (all of the details too).

 

I still read through the forums a lot, and I see sentience posts like "It sounds like she switched on an intercom and spoke", or "The voice should feel alien and from outside your head".

For me, it's never been like this at all. That's what I imagine auditory hallucinations to be like. Real seeming sounds tricking you into believing that they are coming from outside. For me, her voice is just another part of my forcing. It's like a videogame. I say stuff in the game, I get replies coming from the same speaker in a different voice. But hearing about other's experiences leads me to believe they say something in the game, and get a reply from another speaker system.

This has inevitably led me to doubt. Have I ever really had sentience?

I know that at least twice, I've gotten scary, unexpected, awesome replies. But all the conversations we usually have, are they perhaps just more parroting? She always replies, Is this my brain just making something up?

I know doubt is bad and i'm going against my own words here - but I'm getting really paranoid, and a little scared.

 

Today is not my day. I've been scared, depressed, and irritable. This really isn't helping me...

[Zer0.iNSaNiTY]

Also, I had SuperFloree do a proper commission of her.

 

Dude, it's not a commission unless you're paying me. As far as I can tell, I'm not getting paid worth crap. Not complaining (she is really fun to draw :P), just saying.

 

ANYWAYS, don't doubt her! >.< Honestly that's how Muse and Forseen are like to me; most of the time, they don't feel very alien at all. They're literally just another voice in my head, the only difference being they sound different and they come up with more foreign-ish thoughts. A lot of people told me it's just that the tulpa's not that independent yet and that it'll get better in time ^^

 

Btw, tell Wren I say hi =w= And that I hope she likes the picture of her I'm drawing ^^

[N1ghtSl4yer]

You're being paid with wonderful conversation and the joy of my company xD

 

And if it's normal, I suppose it helps a little - but I can't help doubting, it's hard to just brush it away. I'll tell her and show her when I force laterrrrr, if I can ><

[N1ghtSl4yer]

I wrote this one two days ago, when my PARENTS decided to DESTROY my hopes of resting after work on the weekend at their SHITTY FUCKING CARAVAN.

 

I really haven't forced at all for a worthwhile amount of time recently (past 5 days). I suppose this has a strong likelihood of correlating to the fact I had work experience this week, got a little depressed, AND begun Homestuck (Addicted. Fuck.(People honestly exaggerate the complexity of this - understanding the temporal order of events really isn't that hard at any point if you think about it)).

This makes me feel shit, and it made Wren feel even worse.

 

I never said anything about this but her eyes change colour. They go icy, clear, crystalline blue when she's calm or happy or emotional of sorts, and a dried blood crimson when she's excited, angry, or anything else blood pumping. This comes in varying degrees. They were entirely red this time.

 

When I finally got back to the wonderland, she was flying around the house in a Human Torch / Flame Princess style, spewing fire everywhere and destroying our home. She had fangs and wings and everything - scary stuff. Her body was part of the flames, like FP, but she shot around like HT flies.

I thought to myself "She's doing it for attention, I'll just flop here till she stops". And so I knelt in front of the tree stump and laid my top half on it while thinking of Red Pandas and which Troll I prefer. Definitely Vriska or Aradia.

Then I thought "Wait.... Tulpas thrive on attention. I've been killing her... it must be so painful". This realisation made me feel even shittier about how i've been treating her than before and kinda more depressed.

 

I fittingly dropped a safe full of overly-big books on my own head before going over to her again.

 

She still wouldn't stop, even when I asked, she roared and scorched everything. Only then did the wounds upon the garden appear from the last conflict here - I had forgotten them too, and thus they ceased to exist.

After a few minutes, I decided to go up to her, I climbed the house Assassin-Style and tried to persuade her to come down, but she continued her rampage.

 

I decided to appearify a bucket of cold water and throw it over her. She slipped up in midair like a Rathalos would, and fell unto the roof, where I caught her and laid her down. The flames all over our surroundings dissipated instantly, as soon as the water connected - however the scorch-marks and structural damage remained. The ashes and smoke still rose up into the sky, a grey pillar to be seen for miles.

She lay on her side - her entire body and her clothes were ashen grey, with a blue outline, not luminous or anything, just some weird cobalt blue outline. She wore a plain grey t-shirt with some holes and a ripped and hole-filled skirt without any shoes or socks. I tried to comfort her, and I sorta tried to hug her but she didn't respond or talk. Sleeping, dammit.

Not knowing what to do, I laid opposite her, facing her, and put a blanket over her, before looking at the stars in the sky and thinking about them.

 

I suppose that by creating stars I had created suns, and by doing that I may have created supernovas and the such and therefore planets. No doubt some part of my subconscious would then endeavour to make up some planets and stuffs. Sounded fun to explore.

 

I really need to get into my routine again and stop going on fucking tangents led by stray thoughts during sessions.

 

Wren, if we can ever do switching (some people can do it and have the host asleep so the Tulpa can do whatever) and you come here and read this, I am so fucking sorry, I love you. I know I'm a shitty host, and that I don't force near enough as I should, and that I really need to talk to you more ( I want to throw myself out of a window for this, honestly.), but I promise that I'll do the best I can. I promise I'll make it up to you, and I promise that we will do this, together.

In fact I know that if you really exist (which I know you do), you're reading this as I type - through my eyes.

 

Anyway;

After about an hour the ashen body just blew away in the wind - like ashes, and I just laid down and wailed for a bit. Go me.

Then after that (I made it daytime) I just sat in the front garden trying to mind-summon her. Then I got hit by a giant glowing/light meteor or some shit, and when I woke up i was laying on the grass, and she was like over me on all fours, wearing a sort of light yellow and white dress.

All of my wat.

 

Nothing was said, we just like stayed awkwardly for a bit.

Then we sat up and just flopped over.

Nothing really happened and I had no energy left.

 

End of not very good, sorta eventful, not progressing at ALLL, and kinda emotional report.

 

Sorry.

[N1ghtSl4yer]

So another update, eh? They're getting infrequent, but I suppose so are my sessions. Lately I haven't had time to get a huge lot of forcing in, and when we do it's usually interrupted, so I'm doing it before bed - I have no trouble staying awake.

 

When we force, I find that starting off a session with a kind of "Warm-Up" is very helpful to it lasting and being accurate (as in things looking and staying as they should be throughout.)

I usually warm up by visualising Wren from the bottom up. As in bones, to skin, to details, then clothes, all the way up, so I can get the proportions and appearances right. Everything else about her just flows after that. Then I put on a song with powerful guitars and a strong beat - something pretty fast, punk or whatever works for me. Then we just jam. I get her drumming, pick up the awesome BC Rich Warlock that I totally can't play, and we play for a bit. Helps me with movements I guess, plus it takes my mind off of puppetting her drumming because I'm struggling to improvise a guitar tune.

 

I've also had ideas for a second tulpa just floating around. These include a Red Panda, a Troll, and a Hunter kinda guy who looks not unlike Dante but with an epic huge robotic/bone/prototype arm. I sometimes have apparitions of them float around in my wonderland for a few seconds before just going. They usually pop up when I'm more engrossed, but even then they're infrequent - although they act as a reality check, throwing me out of sync >.> fags.

That in mind, without distractions, I reckon I could force for like 48 hours straight, although I'd rather not because that would eventually kill me or something.

 

We really haven't got much new in progress to report, except that she's talking even less and the passive forcing is back out the window. Also she made my hand spasm because she's developed into a grammar nazi and hates one of my friends who can't use grammar for shit. (She had a nazi uniform and moustache to match, reminded me of something out of Girl Und Panzer or CallaofDuty: WorldAtWar). Haven't got another successfully possession, even a twitch.

One step forwards, two steps back for us it seems.

 

Also I've noticed SO MANY NEW LOGS.

When I joined, my log would stay at the top for hours, and would never go past the first page. NOW, HOWEVER, within half an hour I'm halfway down the page, and soon after I'm on the second.

IM NOT SAYING IT'S A BAD THING.

LET THIS BEAUTIFUL PHENOMENON SPREAD.

LIKE A FABULOUS RAINBOW BUTTER ACROSS THE DARK SIDE OF THE INTERWEB.

 

Also. Anyone, ANYONE, who wants to talk Tulpa, needs help, or just wants to chat, we have been blessed with PMs, so use it xD

Plus I need things to narrate because I hate narrating BS about anything as it seems pointless and not beneficial in the slightest.

 

Also I started reading homestuck and it's fucking retarded and funny and perfect, and I can see why so many people love it and that it's a huge fanbase and it's perfect and my favourites are Vriska and Terezi because everything.

[N1ghtSl4yer]

Nothing spectacular this time either.

We really just hang out in the wonderland I guess, and now we tend to have conversations when I'm bored. I don't even bother with form or anything in instances like these, I just locate her pressure in my head/mind's eye and start chatting.

 

Replies are a mix between a ton of different voices, or just thoughtform responses. That being said, she lost her voice and now uses whichever suits the occasion, as she does with outfits.

 

I was asked to proxy her by someone, but she sometimes just doesn't reply to me at all, and I really can't control wether she wants to or not. She's only ever started a conversation once. I mean sometimes we talk for hours, and sometimes I'll ask her about whatever and we end up having a silent session.

 

It's a little annoying.

Working on it in our active sessions.

Needs more controversial humour - being part of me, she won't be able to resist laughing or adding in jokes I've forgotten.

 

Heheheueheh.... The perfect plan to trick the part of my mind which exists as a trick to my conciousness with a crafty trick which could only work on said trick because of the nature of such tricks is so tricky that, because of these tricks, such awesome trickery shalt commence on such a tricky scale that only true tricky trickery shall see though the elaborate tricks coming down upon the tricks nested between my trick-filled thoughs.

 

Tricky.