Craos' Progress Report

[UnknownCraos]

7th May 2014

 

I've had a few drinks, so I apologize if this is weirdly worded.

Today has been good, I've been working on a calendar in college and I decided to draw the Tibetan sign for tulpa as the drawing for April, seeing as Destiny and Jess' birthdays are both in April. Good times. Teacher is confused though, I said I have no idea what the sign meant, just that it looked pretty, but I insisted on keeping it when she said that was a stupid idea if I had no idea what it meant.

 

Jess and Destiny had just enough room to sit opposite me in the booth in the pub, and they told jokes making me almost laugh out loud for most of the night. My friends wondered why I had a silly smile on my face. We've had no time to go into wonderland, so no new updates on DeviantArt. Spent a long time refreshing our e-mail waiting for our digital copy of Hank Green and The Perfect Strangers album, which Destiny and I have been excited about. It just arrived and we're listening to it as I write this. Hopefully Jess enjoys it too.

 

Tomorrow, hopefully, we pick who will be our fourth co-host for the podcast if we can get everybody together, so I'm nervous about that. Guess I'll see you guys tomorrow.

[UnknownCraos]

8th May 2014

 

This is a burden now, I'm going back to updating it either weekly or whenever.

 

Last night Jess, Destiny and I met up in the wonderland and just picked pets for each other to have in the oncoming war. I had an Ocelot, Destiny had a Husky and Jess somehow ended up with a freaking Honey Badger. Me and Destiny are screwed.

On a completely unrelated note, I'm going to try and start lucid dreaming. Just in case that comes up at some point.

 

The podcast things are going well, even though Bliss seems to have disappeared off the face of the Earth. Don't feel bad if you weren't picked to be co-host, there are still a few jobs to fill, so we may contact you yet.

 

We done here.

[UnknownCraos]

13th May 2014

 

So, my friend just talked to me and we were having an interesting conversation about a party we were having at new years. He suddenly says, "Hey, remember when you started arguing with yourself? You were REALLY drunk..." I don't remember this in the slightest, but I remember the events leading up to that moment, and have a conveniently placed blank spot in the place of where this argument supposedly happened. Just thought that I'd better mention this, I reckon me and Destiny had our differences as I remember her being around during that night.

[UnknownCraos]

16th May 2014

 

I had to use a bit of symbolism to keep Destiny in line today, unfortunately. She's been getting far too comfortable with the idea that she can just possess me whenever she wants, and it's been making me nervous. When she possessed me without asking permission at multiple points during college today just to make a stupid comment to one of my friends, or to scream so loud that my chest hurt in the middle of the street just for comedy effect, I had to draw the line.

I don't know how effective it will be, but I made her sign a contract in our wonderland, and I've hung it on a wall where it will be remembered. The signing of this contract also brought about another revelation: I've never actually seen Des' handwriting before. I like the way she does capital S, it's a bit jagged and there's a nice flick on the top line that's cool. Reminds me of Victorian era handwriting.

While I'm on the subject of Destiny, I've noticed that she's been a lot more vocal in the past few weeks, and I believe it's because of there actually being people to talk to for a change with the whole podcast thing going on. Sometimes I guess the irc isn't interesting enough.

 

We had a bit of a lazy week or two with the podcast, but we should hopefully be getting back into the swing of things if all goes to plan. Just a heads up.

 

You might be wondering what's been happening with Jess lately. Don't worry, I'm asking myself that too. Pardon my french, but the truth is I don't have a fucking clue.

So, for a while the "signal" I've been getting from Jess has been getting weaker for seemingly no reason at all, and the other day I found that no matter what I did, I couldn't visualize her at all. I know that she's still out there, because her part of wonderland is still changing without mine or Destiny's intervention and it worries us to no end. I guess I'm scared that she has no control over it either and is on her own now. I'm even more scared that she actually has done this on her own. I guess we can only wait and find out. Whatever is happening on her end, her kingdom in wonderland has gathered it's armies and appears to be readying for an attack on the rest of us. I hope that doesn't mean what I think it means.

[UnknownCraos]

17th May 2014

 

Upside: made progress with the tulpa podcast

Downside: two members missing in action and a 7 hour long Skype call

Hopefully the pilot will be up tomorrow.

 

Destiny hasn't been very active today, so I can't tell whether the whole contract signing worked or not. I'll get back to you guys as soon as I find out.

[UnknownCraos]

18th May 2014

 

I was in a dream and Destiny asked me if she could try manipulating my dream body. I accepted and said she could do whatever seeing as it wasn't my actual body. So, she got this mischievous smile on her face and concentrated for a few seconds before my dream body just pissed itself, right there. I hadn't even been aware of the rest of my body really until that moment. Then I woke up and my thought process is as follows:

 

- That was weird

- No, that was cool actually

- It felt so real

- I can still kind of feel it

- That's weird

- Why can I still hear water trickling?

- Why is there a warm patch spreading from my crotch?

- SHIT

 

And so, at 8am on a day I had designated as a lie-in day, I was forced to wash my bed-sheets and listen to Destiny apologizing profusely in between laughing maniacally. I want to be angry at her but I can't because she only made a mistake, and I brought it upon myself really. I think I'm just angry at the general universe.

[UnknownCraos]

20th May 2014

 

Destiny has been hanging around me for almost the entire day, which has been great. I have a sneaky suspicion that it's a way to apologize for what happened in my last entry, but she's too proud to admit it, and if I approach her about it she'll stop.

It was cool though, because occasionally I'd see movement in the corner of my eye and turn and give her a weird glance, but sometimes my friends would catch me. If I hadn't told them about her or they weren't as understanding as they are, they'd probably have chalked me up as insane by now.

So that's been my day. We watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and that was cool, especially when they try to hide in old memories. Reminds me of Destiny and I when we're forcing sometimes.

[UnknownCraos]

25th May 2014

 

Hey guys. A lot has happened since I last posted something, and I can't remember if there was another post that got deleted when the site was moved, but I guess if it had anything important in it I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

 

So, I'll start with the podcast news. We've recorded the second episode, and I believe that Thunderclap said that he would post a link to where it is currently available. Overall it went quite well, there were a few audio issues and I managed to freeze up when asked about my personal life again. I hope it's well received though.

 

And now to the big news. So, last night I actively forced for the first time in about two weeks because I've been so busy. I know that that's no excuse, but you have to understand that it gets a little hard to set aside time to force when you have college and the bank fucking you over as well as trying to sort out a podcast on the side. Anyway, that's not important, what matters is I forced for the first time in a while last night. Hopefully the following serves as a reminder that you can't just get by on passive forcing all the time.

I was finding it hard to visualize Destiny, and after what seemed like a much longer time than usual I finally managed to focus on her, except she looked a lot different to how I'd been passively forcing her for the past few weeks. The way that she eventually described it was that I'd "not had the concentration required over the past few weeks to see the changes." We sat and talked for a while, and I apologized a lot, and she said it was okay but not to do it again because it was "hurting" her. She explained it wasn't hurting in the normal sense of the word, but more like hurting her existence and that she could feel herself slipping away and kind of being replaced with an idea of herself. It's a bit hard to explain and she didn't want to stay on the topic for long. I don't blame her, that must be really hard. I feel terrible.

Just quickly I'll go over what had changed about her. So, instead of the jet black hair that I'd been imagining her with since we'd last forced, it was more of a dark brown, which suited her. I didn't get a good look at her eyes, but I'm fairly sure that they weren't blue any more, or at least that intensity of blue that she had had. She was dressed in victorian/steampunk style clothing, which she explained was a result of our wonderland and that she felt like getting into character. Other than that she was the same old Des, if a little less jovial. I asked her if she wanted to change anything else, and she said that she's thinking about changing her name back to Sally because Destiny is a little weird to other people, but she hasn't decided yet.

The thing that really eats away at me now is the nagging question: "Is the Destiny that's around me when I'm not actively forcing the real Destiny, or are they simply my mind pulling a trick on me?" I guess I'll find out when I force tonight, but until then I can't escape the feeling that I've fucked up horrendously and done some irreparable damage.

 

Moral of the Story: Actively force whenever you can, no excuses.

[UnknownCraos]

28th May 2014

 

After a few nights of forcing, I've managed to restore the balance so that Destiny is constantly getting attention. As for the whole "is this really Destiny?" thing, it was about 50/50. God, I hope that never happens again, it was incredibly stressful on me alone, I can't even imagine what it was like for her, and to be honest I don't want to.

It would also appear that Destiny is getting much better at possession (when I allow it, that is). I let her possess me for almost two hours before the film last night and she was joking and laughing with my friend and being her usual self. I didn't tell my friend, so I don't know if he noticed the difference or not, it's come to my attention that Destiny has basically become a more hyperactive version of me if I was a female (and attractive, I guess XD).

 

We went to see Godzilla last night and Destiny really enjoyed it, often shouting at the screen in the middle of tense moments. There are times when I'm glad that I'm the only one who can see her. In my opinion the film swung from incredibly bad to incredibly good throughout, although it's still worth seeing.

[UnknownCraos]

31st May 2014

 

I just want to say that there's a bit of bad language here because I get angry at myself after this story XD.

 

I just thought I'd tell you guys about a dream I had last night, seeing as Destiny was in it and she showed me that I was dreaming and it was cool for the most part.

So, I'm running around what appears to be an amusement park with an old friend of mine who I hardly see any more, and we're shooting call of duty style zombies as we go (I assume this is because I used to play zombies with him all the time). After what feels like half an hour-ish I lose him and find myself without a weapon and a train of zombies right on my back, so I run down this path, which goes up an incline and suddenly I'm above the park next to a really futuristic looking building. The path ahead has a lot of traps, so if I put my foot in the wrong place I'm a dead man, but I can't slow down because I still have a fuck-tonne of zombies behind me (I think the traps may have been a slight reference to the amount of trouble Des has been having in Skyrim recently XD). So I sprint straight through the traps and miraculously make it to the end without a scratch, killing all of the zombies that were right behind me.

On the other side of the traps, there is an entrance to the building on my left and a ledge on the right which overlooks the buildings of the amusement park. I choose to go straight ahead and follow the path, stopping to rest on one of the benches that are littered around on the way. As I sit there a creature appears. I have no idea what it is, but it's blue and looks like something you would create in the game Spore. I'm not afraid of it for some reason, it seems peaceful enough and whistles at me occasionally. After a few minutes of this, Destiny comes from across the building. She still has black hair for some reason, which we now believe is just my subconscious still trying to process the changes and failing miserably. She sits on the bench next to me and we talk for a while, which is when she gives me a funny look after I say something and slaps me around the face playfully. "You're dreaming, idiot."

I apologize and say that I didn't realize etc and she tells me that she's going to have to say what she just told me again because "you know what your dream recall is like." So we talk and she gives me general life advice and I ask what the whole blue creature thing is and she says that when she finally managed to get into this dream after multiple attempts she had been made "queen of the trolls" which we both laughed at. We both agreed that my subconscious mind must be an idiot.

And then she kissed me. It took me completely off guard, and when it was over she said that it had taken her off guard too and that she didn't mean it or actually even want to. So there's that. So that just makes me worry that my subconscious mind might have a way of getting to her too, and that through some strange instinct that I might have, I saw a pretty girl and my brain immediately went for wish-fulfillment, which is ironically the opposite of what I wish for. Now things are awkward between us and I feel as if it's my fault, even though it was something I had no power over.

 

FUCK MINDS ARE COMPLICATED.

 

After that point we just sat in awkward silence for a little while, and then a man ran out of the building looking for her, screaming "where's my daughter?" and she looks up and chuckles and says "Oh look, I have a dad." She says goodbye to me and smiles and runs off to the man and I wake up. So things took a turn for what seems to be the worst towards the end there. I've had worse dreams though, to be fair.

 

Anyway, sorry for giving you the entire dream, I just thought that maybe there's something in the start that I'm missing and you could point out to me or whatever. I'm going to go sleep or drink heavily or whatever.