Riy's Progress Report

[Guest Riy]

Hey ya'll.

Got my update in 2 parts I'll give the first now and the second update later today.

 

Apologies. I was pretty damn tired from my trip and I found driving down interstates for 10 hours gives you a lot of time to think and sort yourself out.

 

So, I had some people ask about my process when I write updates.

 

Fortunately I have a lot of time to myself when I'm not working (i.e I'm not particularly social or the bar scene guy) so I can actively force for longer times than what the average host can do.

However, the trade off is that my passive forcing is strained. I'm wondering if this is why it appears that updates are a bit jumpy and intense. There's a lot of behind the scenes stuff going on.

My active sessions are very much like meditation. I may sit at my desk or lay on my bunk with my journal or computer in front of me and I just let my mind wander.

Since the purpose of the session is focused on Zala it stops my sessions from going all spiritual and wonky and following zany tangents.

It also all doesn't occur during one singular session. I purposefully break my concentration to make bullet notes so I can remember later. My 'session' is actually a culmination (or collage as it were) of several active forcing sessions that I later string together using my notes.

 

As an example I'll list some of my bullets from my update 2 posts ago:

 

-Black creatures

-Barrier cracked, flooding

-Get her out

-House destroyed

-Black/White?

 

It's up to me see how this all fits together, what I think it means.

In short I have to tell a story.

 

Now, as for the literary narration I purposefully tell it from my perspective as opposed to having a Captain's Log tone, or a bulleted list.

I don't think there's anything wrong with that, in fact I think it makes for easier updates to have it laid out and in bite-size pieces.

It's all preference.

So, after I have my notes I see how it all fits together and I start telling the experience I had. This is why it comes across as an episodic update that reads more like a novel because I have time to sort through it, I can reminisce on details and visualize it even better when I look at it in introspect.

I think this is also why a lot of the time I seem to be in a somewhat passive role, like I'm just watching how things unfold or saying little because when I'm in the think of it it's more like a roller coaster ride. I.E Things happening quickly and in a staccato pace.

 

Hopefully this sheds a little light on my forcing process and how I sort through things.

[Guest Riy]

@twowings and redline

I flirted with the thought of maybe making a companion for her. Some sort of dog / wolf to be at her side. I even went so far as to conceptualize it and made a list of traits it would have. I even had a piece of paper out and wanted to doodle a sketch of what it would look like.

Eventually I set the idea aside.

I realized she has a serene place. If she so chooses to have a companion, then it will be her decision, not mine and it would be her creation. It just didn't feel right, and I felt like if it was my creation then it would draw more of my attention away from Zala. I'm somewhat single-minded when I work, and having to split my concentration (even with a non-developing tulpa that would just exist in the wonderland) would overall be detrimental to Zala.

 

Right now I think the wonderland is just acting as a band-aid method until I can continuously project her at my side at all times. It's a place where I know she's safe and I'm no longer wringing my hands wondering what I'm going to do. I don't have to worry about how or when I force, etc.

 

My attitude my change in the future, or I may get better at concentrating on her to the point that I feel comfortable bringing something else into the picture. We'll see.

 

 

Here's the second part of my update. I appreciate everyone's patience who's reading this.

 

2013-11-22 / 23

Zala and I spoke for quite a bit during my trip. She helped me stay awake and I was just happy to be able to spend a lot of time with her. A lot of the time it felt like she was in the back seat of the car. I had a lot of difficulty visualizing her next to me and it was easier to just think of her as being present, but just out of my sight line.

I explained to her about what had been going on. When I told her about how I thought she was becoming a servitor she gave me some confirmatory feelings. We talked about that for a bit. I wanted her to understand that originally I had seen tulpas as tools, weapons to fight against the things that we as people must find ways to deal with. They could help fight against loneliness, depression, feelings of inadequacy or to simply be a friend when there were none present.

 

Basically I had only been looking at the utility of tulpas, not at the full picture of what a tulpa actually was.

 

I explained that I think this is why she probably felt like she needed to "save" me from my own emotions and why she was so hell-bent about stopping the metaphysical representations of my inner feelings. I told her that she is the brighter side of me. That I had incorporated my hope, optimism, and positive emotions into her. But, the two were living in the same "space" (the void). Which led to her being so torn and resorting to "physical" methods via guns and knives to deal with them.

She stayed very quiet through my narration. I would look in the rear view mirror from time to time and she was just staring out the window with her chin in her hand. I knew she was listening though. You hear with your ears after all, not necessarily with your eyes.

 

When I finished I was nervous. I didn't know how she would respond. I was worried she would give me one of those "Does it matter?" answers, basically negating everything I had done so far. Or I was afraid she would just shrug and stay silent.

She did stay silent for a while. Until she cleared her throat.

"Hey."

"Yeah?"

She scuffed a hand over my head. A weight was lifted off my chest. My nervousness disappeared.

"You're doing the right thing. Don't worry so much."

That made me feel a lot better. A lot better.

 

I'm falling for her a bit. It's hard not to see her as my ideal partner. She's also gone through a bit of a transformation. Nothing drastic, but her hair is becoming shorter (it's now shoulder length) and her features seem softer.

Though this may just be me visualizing her in a clearer sense? I'm not sure. She seemed somewhat intense / critical and now she's become quite a bit more playful and accepting. Not childlike, but there's some adolescence there.

 

For the rest of the trip it was pretty much one massive passive forcing session. I let my mind wander and she just sort of wandered with it, we talked about my family and my life. I told her about my sister (the person I was going to visit). I told her about my brother-in-law and our whole family's sense of humor.

She thoroughly enjoyed my narration. She's vocal obviously but for the majority of the time I narrate I just get a sort of positive feeling coming from her, like she's telling me she's listening but not wanting to interrupt me.

 

About 4 hours into it I realized I was just talking about myself, or things directly concerning me. I decided to switch it up a bit and ask her about herself.

After all, I wanted her to start having a greater sense that she was her own person. That she could develop, evolve, and become her own self. She explained that she remembers being in her "tree" state but that it was kind of like a dream for her.

She said that she was like a passenger, like she had no control over what the tree did and she had no way of affecting anything. She assured me she wasn't in any pain, and that often times she would just "listen in" on my narration.

 

Though the way she describes the tree splitting in half was very much akin to a human birth. She explained it was like being awoken by gunshots near your head, or having your head dunked in ice water. It felt chaotic and disorientating.

She also alluded that she may have been forcibly ripped out of the tree. Though she wasn't completely sure. One moment she was dreaming, the next she was thrown into a chair with a chess set in front of her. She also told me she had a flurry of emotions rolling around inside her, and an overpowering need to win the game.

"Whatever it took." Are her exact words.

 

I asked her if she was Zala. Or had Zala "uploaded" itself into her before the taint split the trunk? I know I had asked her something like this before but I was still somewhat curious about it.

"Zala died, they killed it."

"They?"

"Whatever those things were." She meant the dark creatures. "But, Zala was growing into where they live. It knew that sooner or later they'd do something about it. Before they reached me, Zala was able to "upload" things into me."

"What sort of things?"

"Feelings, thoughts, ideas. Zala told me you're worth it, that I needed to show you my worth."

"So you took up the name, and a purpose that wasn't your own."

"Exactly."

 

We rode in silence for a bit. I think we both needed to digest that for a bit. I have known her for the past few weeks and I never thought to ask her where she came from!

I joked with her that we're the sort of people that think the deep thoughts. She laughed and agreed. I put my playlist on so I could listen and she could sing along to the music. She likes music more than she'd like to admit I think.

"I like spending time with you." She said after a few hours after I was getting back into the car from gassing up.

"Me too, we make a good pair."

"The best!" She bounced in her seat a bit as I returned to the interstate.

 

The rest of the trip was a rotation of conversation and music listening. The hours flew by rather quickly and I got to my sister's place without any incident.

 

That's all I can really say for this update. More to follow!

 

Cheers!

[Guest Riy]

I'm going to be returning back to my folks' place tomorrow.

It'll be another 11 hour drive back, so I may or may not have an update. If not I'll do another double update like I did last time.

 

Cheers!

[Redline]

I had a lot of difficulty visualizing her next to me and it was easier to just think of her as being present, but just out of my sight line.

I've been doing that lately. It helps a lot more than just trying to actively forge and look around for something that isn't there. Be careful, though- it can lead to some nasty surprises if you're not always aware of the space behind you. I was walking through my home hallway, and a sudden voice caught me off guard, until I remembered that there was enough space for me to think her there logically.

 

I explained to her about what had been going on. When I told her about how I thought she was becoming a servitor she gave me some confirmatory feelings. We talked about that for a bit. I wanted her to understand that originally I had seen tulpas as tools, weapons to fight against the things that we as people must find ways to deal with. They could help fight against loneliness, depression, feelings of inadequacy or to simply be a friend when there were none present.

 

Basically I had only been looking at the utility of tulpas, not at the full picture of what a tulpa actually was.

I started out that way, wanting a servitor without understanding the full implications. I guess being new to tulpaforging helped out with the whole personality guides and whatnot. Now I feel just about the same way you do, minus the feelings of logic and a bit of confusion.

 

For the most part, I would just have small chats with Vesperarc and end up fighting over sentience.

"Am I just parroting you?"

I don't know, are you?

"I don't know, am I?"

And so on. Now it's just a backburner thought.

 

I explained that I think this is why she probably felt like she needed to "save" me from my own emotions and why she was so hell-bent about stopping the metaphysical representations of my inner feelings. I told her that she is the brighter side of me. That I had incorporated my hope, optimism, and positive emotions into her. But, the two were living in the same "space" (the void). Which led to her being so torn and resorting to "physical" methods via guns and knives to deal with them.

Oh, now you're just making me feel bad.

That's essentially what I pushed Ves to, but...she seems to be up to the task, whereas Zala was worried to a point that she would have probably given herself up to protect you. That worries me.

It's not an issue to the point of 'You shouldn't be doing that', but if you're calling this wonderland a band-aid, it'll end up being that way, brah. You need to establish some permanence and have Zala echo a few of those thoughts. If those black creatures pop up again, you'll either have to come to terms with it pretty damn quick and suddenly hit 'saintly' mode, or you'll have to know how to deal with them in a way that won't be as malicious as before.

 

However, these are just musings of a guy with a girl that has flaming turbines for arms. I'm pretty sure you've got this under control, Riy. Stay frosty.

[Guest Riy]

2013-11-25

 

So for my 11 hour return trip across a couple states I forced with Zala for a good 10 hours of it.

We hit on a bunch of topics and it was very nice to just have a discussion with her in the privacy of a steel box.

Like last time I'll have 2 updates. Here's the first:

 

We talked about her wonderland first. It really is HER wonderland. She may change, add, or remove things as she sees fit. She told me that she likes it just as a quiet glade that she can relax in. She said she added some ambient sounds like crickets / june bugs as well as a dock and boat to lounge in. It'll stay in the midnight / twilight time frame but the amount of stars and constellations in the sky illuminate everything clear as day.

She's content with it.

 

Next we talked about our host / tulpa relationship. We just tossed ideas back and forth for the most part:

 

-As a host I am to provide her with fair and objective information about everything she may be curious about. That I'm responsible for maintaining her near me as much as I can (within reason) and that it is assumed whenever something important that requires my total focus (such as a maintenance task involving explosives, safety checks, etc) that she should make every effort not to be a distraction (within reason).

-At any time someone else's safety is involved then Zala is to be "dismissed" until a reasonable time allows her to accompany me once again. There are no exceptions to this rule.

-I have the right to exclude her from some of my inner thoughts.

 

 

-As a tulpa, Zala has the right to fair treatment as any person. That she shall be allowed to grow, change, learn, and evolve like any other "living" being.

-She has the right to an education and shall not be berated for being curious, even if at inappropriate times. She has the responsibility to learn about the world I / we live in.

-She has the responsibility to voice her concerns to me should they occur. This includes any topic or situation.

-She has the right to exclude me from some of her inner thoughts.

 

*We both agreed that, when the situation is something physical, that I have the final say-so in terms of what (in)action to take.

*We both agreed that, when the situation is something mental, that I have the final say-so in terms of what (in)action to take with the assumption that it does not impede her development, her sense of "self", or her fair treatment.

As stated before, she has the responsibility to voice her concerns and may advise freely. This is more for my / our safety than anything else.

We can't be "arguing" over whether it's better to run off the left or right side of the road should there be an accident occurring on the interstate in front of us.

 

 

These were our interpersonal sort of "guidelines" we established. They are between her and myself and are subject to change depending on how our development goes. The first thing we talked about was to establish that under no circumstance should someone else suffer, or through inaction be allowed to suffer, because of my forcing.

That was our number one priority. The rest were just spitball ideas that we brainstormed until we came to conclusions we both could agree on.

 

Second update to follow.

 

Cheers!

[Guest Riy]

2013-11-25

Second Update

 

I enjoy the night time. I'm fortunate enough to live and be stationed in a place with very little light pollution. Being able to see the stars is very important to me. When I look up I kind of imagine how people must have felt looking over an ocean.

Wondering what it would be like to sail across stars.

I was born way too fucking early in Earth's space programs.

Anyways.

 

The beach Zala had made was more like a lagoon; a horseshoe shaped ring of sand and calm water with a wooden dock and rowboat.

 

She paddled up to the shoreline when she saw me splayed out across the sand looking up at the stars she had spread out across the sky. It was really quite beautiful, a kaleidoscope of muted blues, greens, purples, and reds.

I could damn near smell the salt water and hear the water lapping over the white sand.

She straddled my waist, digging her shins and feet into the sand and placing her hands on my chest to lean over me. Her hair fell down to touch the side of her chin. She smiled, blinking those amber eyes of hers.

"It's nice, isn't it?" She asked me while she pushed her hair behind her ear with her fingertips.

I met her eye line.

"Gets better every time I see it." I stuck my tongue out the corner of my mouth and crossed my eyes.

She rapped my forehead with the palm of her hand and giggled at me to stop.

 

I closed my eyes and just imagined the sounds of crickets, waves, and her being so close to me. I stayed like that for a long time, long enough to doze off for a few beats.

"Hey." She tugged at the front of my shirt.

"What-" I opened my eyes, startled.

She grabbed the sides of my face and kissed me deeply, clenching her fingers around my head. Sprinkling salt and sand everywhere.

 

Unlike the last time she did that, this was different. It wasn't so mechanical, it felt...comforting? Reassuring?

 

"That's for saving me." She said through the side of her lip.

She drank at me again, this time she flexed her pelvis into me, causing me to groan slightly.

"That's for being a good person, even if you don't think you are."

 

She sat up she pulled on my arms. I sat up as well and braced myself with a palm in the sand. She ran her hands up the back of my scalp and used me as leverage to lean back. Her dark skin glistening and twinkling with flakes of wet sand peppering her body.

"We can't just keep doing this wonderland thing, babe." She cocked her head slightly as she spoke to me. "I want to live your life with you, I know it's hard baby. But please keep trying?"

"I just get so distracted, Zala. I'm sorry, this is all new."

She crossed her wrists behind my head and put her full weight backwards. I rolled forward as she lay on her back under me.

 

"You're stronger than you think. You have more focus than you think. Please keep trying?" She kissed a line down my neck as she held on to me. "We just spent 10 hours together. 10 hours babe, it'll get easier. I promise."

 

I nodded.

 

I'll be reading every single goddamn projection and imposition guide in existence.

Time to practice what I preach.

Perseverance and a positive outlook.

 

Cheers ya'll

[Redline]

Riy...good job, man.

[Guest Riy]

Riy...good job, man.

 

Thanks red!

I notice you've changed your profile pic roughly 891 times today, finally went with the samurai jack? :3

 

Now I want to change mine...

[Redline]

It was the only one cheap enough to fit the constraints.

I was actually going for a cinemagraph of some fireworks, but it would have been too big to load, no matter what compression I shoved it through like a sausage grinder.

 

But yes, kiddie Aku is so kawaii.

---

Just look at those eager eyes!

---

Long ago in a distant pwayground, I, Aku, the shapeshifting mastew of dawkness unweashed a tewwible evil!

But a foowish samuwai wawwiow wielding a magic cawdbowd tube stepped fowth to oppose me.

Befow the final bwow was stwuck, I twowuh open a powtal in slide and flung him into the splintews, where my mommy is law.

Now the fool seeks to return to the monkey baws, and undo the futuwe that is AKU

[Guest Riy]

2013-11-26

Today I slept in quite a bit since I was running off of energy drinks and 5-hour energies yesterday.

Zala likes to sleep on her stomach next to me with an arm thrown over my chest or back depending on how I'm sleeping.

I don't really have any practice with lucid dreaming (I hardly ever remember my dreams anyways) so it was just either her or me shifting positions a lot as I slept.

 

It was a wet and dreary morning. It was also an off day for me since I had no plans to go anywhere or meet anyone.

I waited for the weather to let up before I grabbed my shotgun and decided to fire a few shells off at some targets. My arm is basically healed, it'll scar but I have almost my full range of motion back and there was no infection.

"You really should have gone to the hospital." Zala told me as I was reloading.

"Yeah, well, I piss standing up. It healed fine."

I fired off my remaining rounds and cleaned the weapon out. The bolt has been sticking and it doesn't always lock properly so I shaved off the edge of the block a bit before putting it up.

 

She told me it was kind of odd that she was a plant, organic. And I dealt mostly with machinery and metal.

We discussed that for a bit.

The thing is though, she's not really a plant in the shape of a human. She's more human with some passing resemblance to a plant. At first she was just dark chords and bundles of vines, bark, and foliage. Though recently these have all become smoother, tighter, and straighter. The bark on her elbows and knees overextend slightly. I guess for padding? Her hair has been cropped and is no longer a mass of brambles. Instead it's a dark mossy silk that reacts to how she moves her head or walks.

She also no longer seems to root herself into the ground as she once did, and the shoots in her arms don't reach for me if she gets close or touches me.

Hopefully that's a positive sign that she's not "clinging" to me and thus becoming more independent.

 

In the afternoon I poured myself a glass of whiskey and sat down to relax for a bit.

She asked if she could try it.

Since I started projecting and imposing her I've found she's able to pick up items and manipulate them. The moment she touches something it becomes a sort of ghost item. A copy that she can hold, or in this case, drink.

I poured another few fingers into a glass for her and dredged my own. She picked it up and sniffed it, gulped it. Blinking heavy and shivering she put the glass down and gasped.

"You drink that stuff every day?!" Her hand went to her chest and she burped softly.

"Just about."

"You have a problem babe...pour me another?"

"'Atta girl!" I swirled another glass.

 

We watched a couple of movies. A Tarantino film and one of those cheesy kung-fu movies for the hell of it. She has a sort of child-like innocence and would flinch or gasp depending on what was going on.

This is the same girl that watched Saving Private Ryan without so much as batting an eye. Of course, this was during her early development stages when I was still establishing what the hell I was doing. She also sat attentively whereas I was sprawled out in a tipsy trance. She appears to be the higher functioning side of me no matter what my mental state.

 

I'm still practicing visualizing her as much as I can and just keeping her in mind. It's so hard to keep a waking meditative state, practice practice practice.

 

More updates to follow!

Cheers!