Riy's Progress Report

[Guest Riy]

Your progression with Zala has been absolutely fascinating. I sincerely thank you for sharing your experiences, Riy.

 

It's my pleasure.

By writing it down I not only solidify my experience but I also can review things that are happening in retrospect. Not to mention maybe others can benefit by reading my experiences?

 

A rising tide raises all ships, as they say.

[Ghost]

Absolutely!

 

I personally find your experiences to be quite encouraging and reassuring. They clearly illustrate that progression is not a straight line, nor is it always predictable or initially desirable. In addition, you are inspiring me to share the unusual development of my own sentient psychopomp, for which I am also thankful. I will certainly count myself among the number that benefit, regardless.

[Redline]

I should have read your journal sooner. It's rather enthralling.

For the most part, I took on an active role, puppeteering and parroting like a wooden pirate, and reading your trials and triumphs I feel like maybe I should have done something different/could have done something different. Maybe slowed down, patata.

You, sir, have got one amazing piece of progress. I'm pretty thrown off by how fast it all hit you, and I'm amazed you were so close and torn over what you could do and the things you wanted to give Zala in the first place that you spurred this growth of soul and allowed for such immense size and consolidation.

 

All I have to ask of you is that you keep thinking. This is something I can't leave from without taking something, and that usually applies to every post.

[Guest Riy]

@Redline & Ghost

Thank you for the kind words! I find it really cool how very different people go about developing their Tulpa. Everyone seems to approach it in different ways and with their own spin on it!

 

2013-11-15

I'm on vacation for the next few weeks. On my way to the airport I forced with Zala quite a bit explaining to her my family and the area I grew up in.

She asked if I would introduce her to my folks. It's something I can't do. My family has always been open minded about things but I told Zala that telling them about her is a bit too off the extreme end for them to not raise eyebrows or ask questions.

 

She understood. She's looking forward to meeting the German Shepard dogs my folks rescue in their off time. I can tell she likes animals.

 

I haven't slept in about 36 hours so I crashed in a corner at the airport during my layover flight. I wanted to keep forcing but between the fitness test, immediately going to work, working an extended shift, and then driving for 4 hours really exhausted me.

 

I think I may be confusing her 'not vocalizing' with her 'not wanting to say anything'. Personally the more I interact with her the more I see that she cares more about meaningful conversation over idle chit-chat. That's fine if it's the case. I'm normally a very quiet person but I stay observant and pipe up if I think it's necessary, maybe she's copying that a bit? I'm trying to let her come into her own personality so I don't really deem it necessary to hold her down and say 'think this'. I'd like for her to create her own opinions about things.

 

I still have half a day of traveling so as I sit here at the gate with an overweight man snoring on my right and a loud businessman on my left shouting at his phone I'm just trying to keep Zala with me.

Visualizing her isn't necessarily difficult, it's the finer details that keep me occupied. Does she sway her hips when she walks? Does her hair wave over her back? How long is she stationary before she literally roots herself into the structure below her?

These all culminate and mentally drain me somewhat, but I know practice and patience are key here.

 

As always comments, questions, and advice are welcome. More updates to follow!

Cheers!

 

 

 

[NariusV]

Thanks for sharing. I find your story encouraging. I feel glad that there are people such as yourself who have circumstances that easily accommodate time working with their tulpa.

[Guest Riy]

@narius

I try to make time whenever possible, there's plenty of times where I simply forget or get distracted. I feel terrible when I do but Zala just seems to understand that I have real world commitments that for the time being are the priority over her.

 

 

Warning- Extremely course language ahead

 

2013-11-16

 

Well, fucking disaster from the start. My folks rescue abused and abandoned German Shepards. The newest one named Reba doesn't get along with another Shepard named Missy.

First thing they do when I walk in is they get into this huge fucking fight. This is the worst I've ever seen two females fight. My parents worked on grabbing Reba and I went to separate Missy.

I got a leg between them and made to push Reba back with my left arm, Missy redirected and latched onto my forearm giving me two punctures in my forearm.

 

Now her bottom canine is in the muscle just below my wrist and her top canine is in between the bones in my arm. I didn't want to pry on her upper jaw because that would tear her lower canine up my wrist and I would risk cutting a vein suicide-style so I chose to wrap her lower lip into her teeth and pry DOWNWARDS, releasing her lower jaw but also digging her top canine into my arm.

 

So I walked away with an abraded artery and quite a lot of surface trauma. Reba limped away with a bite to her leg that's going to make her limp for a while and Missy walked away with a punctured ear and a bite below her eye.

 

If I hadn't taken the bite it would have been a lot worse, possibly with Reba dead literally 3 minutes after getting home. Missy has shown she 'knows' to go for the jugular hence me getting an arm up just in time to save Reba.

So, I'm bandaged up. I didn't feel the need to go to a hospital. It's not worth the medical report is have to fill out because I'm military and not worth the paperwork when I got back. Plus I'm allergic to dissolvable stitches which would require a follow-up visit blah-fucking-blah.

 

ANYWAYS.

Because of all that nonsense I did not active or passive force today as most if my time was spent re-freezing a ice pack and drinking whiskey.

I will attempt to active force tonight assuming the swelling goes down and I'm not too drunk to focus.

 

 

Cheers

 

 

 

[CyberD]

Your experience so far has been great. Everyone goes through this differently and seeing the results is one of the reasons I've stuck around so long.

 

Passive forcing, being your attempts at having Zala around while you are out and about, can be difficult to say the least. As time goes on and assuming you are persistent you'll find yourself noticing and interacting with your tulpa a lot more. Try not to put yourself down by your lack of focus but instead praise and enjoy the times you did well. Maintaining focus on something you've never experienced before a few weeks ago and expecting maintain that focus all day is an unrealistic goal for someone just starting.

 

Times when you are by yourself are the easiest. Ignoring a crowd would be next. Maintaining your tulpa's presence while speaking to someone would be next and the most difficult time to remain focused would be during an intense physical or mental situation, such as crazy German Shepards.

Practice is all you can do but the best part about practice with a tulpa is that every moment spend with them is valuable.

 

Keep it up, your detailed style of reporting helps not only you but others that may read it.

[Guest Riy]

@cyber

As always my friend your input is spot on I think.

I'm extremely self-critical. I may have lost sight of how far I've come, instead I was focusing on how much further I have to go and demoralized myself.

 

As for the time being I think I'm going to purposefully regress slightly and introspect a bit with her and I. I think that would be a healthy next step.

 

We'll see how that goes.

Cheers mate!

[Guest Riy]

2013-11-16

 

Well I just spent an hour typing out an extremely long answer in the 'question and answers' section of this site concerning whether sentience is possible. So I figured I might as well keep the momentum going and type out another log entry.

 

~NOTE

This entry contains mature and adult content. Discretion is advised.~

 

I've been slightly drunk for the past few hours, though I managed to get an active forcing session in.

For the first time I had to go look for Zala inside her house. She was laid out on a red towel by the rips in the void, sunbathing in the white light that invaded her house.

 

~It seems others have been having a somewhat odd time dealing with their tulpa's sexuality so I figured I'd talk about that with her tonight.~

 

She had knee bent on one leg and she twisted to rest on an elbow as I walked in. I may or may not have stumbled a bit as I made to sit down next to her.

She smiled.

"So, thought you were made of metal?" She gestured at my bandaged arm.

"Yeah, well, I wasn't really thinking straight."

I sat down next to her, crossed my legs, and held my knees in the air with the crooks of my elbows so I could keep pressure on my arm, which has swollen up quite a bit.

Dog bites suck.

 

She turned on to her stomach and put her chin in her hands, she kicked her feet back-and-forth as she stared up at me. Her ass jiggled a bit as she kicked.

"I figured we'd talk about this sooner or later." She smirked. She already knew what was on my mind.

"Er, yeah. Figured we'd kind of get it out of the way." My head was still spinning a bit but the aspirin were kicking in so that let me focus on her instead of my arm.

"Well, this is me." She explained looking down her body. "I'm obviously pleasing to you, yeah?" She kept kicking. She's grown slightly. She no longer reminds me of an older teenager, more like a woman my own age. With that I realized she's also....developed a bit more.

Focus

 

"So, where do we stand on this?" I asked her.

"Ummmmm..." She chewed on her lip and lowered her eyes. "I don't think it really matters, its not like we can do anything anyways."

She rolled onto her back to look at me upside down. Decidedly showing me mounds of her breasts and putting her feet on the floor, bending her knees to show me her curves.

She doesn't really have any lady bits. She has the mounds for breasts but no nipples, the valley between her thighs but no slit. Her skin is smooth and getting somewhat lighter now as well, but it still has a very exotic dusky color to it that I still find myself marveling over.

She's attractive, soft features to her face, a flirty smile, long hair.

But, she brings up a good point. I never really thought of our relationship as ever having a sexual tone to it (hence the lack of genitalia I think) but she's still pleasing to look at and she seems able to pick up on that.

 

Hence her showing off.

 

"You're drunk."

"Yeah."

"And you're thinking about me while drunk."

"Yeah."

"So, what. You want to have sex? You want to make out? For me to give you a blow job? You won't feel it. Besides, I know you get whiskey dick."

She said all this very matter-of-factly. She wasn't accusing me or being vindictive. She just looked at me upside down with a sort of distant stare. She did rub her thighs together slightly and rock on her shoulders a bit though.

Tease, but at least she's honest

"You're injured, you're a pill popper, you're on vacation, and you're talking with the visual representation of your own subconscious about your relationship with it. So......."

"Good point, but it needed to be addressed sometime."

"True, and I'm only this way because it's what's best for you."

That made me tap my chin while I looked down at her from my sitting position.

"I do know you think I'm sexy though." She rubbed her hands over her chest and down her midriff. She stuck her tongue out.

" 'nother drink." I remember mumbling. I rejoined her after I mixed myself another glass.

 

When I returned she was leaning on the sill in front of one of the rips, staring out into the white. She had her weight on one leg while the other tapped the floor with the ball of her foot. I joined her on her right side so I could rest my good arm against the sill and look at her.

Something was bothering her

"I know I'm not real." She said out into the white.

"Does that bother you?" My head was swimming but I knew my limits. I knew I could focus on this.

"Not really." She thrust her chin out. I've been doing a lot more on concentrating on the gestures she does. She mimics me a lot.

She's telling the truth

"But that doesn't mean you don't mean something to me. That doesn't mean you don't matter." I sighed at that and clenched the fist of my injured arm. Wincing at the tightness and the pain. I put both elbows on the sill, ignoring the injury.

Staring into the white, just like her.

 

She scooted closer to me and put a hand on my face to turn it to face her. I could barely perceive it, just a fleeting feeling of tactile sensation. She leaned up and kissed me on the lips, ran a hand up the back of my neck and into my hair. She pushed her hips into me and wrapped a leg around my waist.

It only lasted a couple seconds, a passionate and loving kiss.

There was no wispy feeling, no sense of pleasure, no explosions in my mind.

It was like a machine had done it. I felt...nothing.

 

"You don't care about being in relationships." Zala licked her lips and turned back to the white, squinted. "You don't care about sex or finding love. It's all cogs and gears inside here." She waved a hand at the white in a nonchalant way.

"Is that bad?" I had to ask.

"No, it frees me from not having to deal with this." She grabbed at my crotch blindly with one hand, her eyes not leaving the rip in front of her. She cocked a smile out the corner of her mouth as I protectively covered up.

 

 

We both stared for a while. I wasn't passively forcing so there wasn't anything for her and I to really look at. Just as the black void of the thought-place, it was just a white space.

Infinity.

"The pills are wearing off."

I sighed and nodded. Clenching my hand again, feeling the muscles strain and twist with the effort.

"I'm here to help you." Zala said that in the same 'matter-of-fact' voice.

"You have been."

"So stop worrying about these." She rubbed her chest again. "And this" She dropped a hand to between her legs and cupped herself. "Because we both know it doesn't do anything for you, not really. We have a relationship as close as anyone can have. That's enough for you and I."

Zala stepped close to me and put the knuckles of her hands together in front of her. She seemed somewhat smaller then, like a nervous girl. Her eyes downcast, just wanting to be close to me.

"And....I like that we have this." She tapped her knuckles together a few times.

 

I thought for another long moment at that. Just kind of letting what she said sink in. I blinked and nodded after a time.

 

 

The pain got to be a little too much so I had to stop the session and take more aspirin and finish my drink to the dregs.

Zala seems to like being straight-up with me, or at least having a lot of brevity about delicate topics. Which I find amazing and wonderful.

She also self-identifies as not being real. Negating any worries I have over me 'explaining' her existence to her. I have never made her do anything. Everything so far has been hands off (maybe too much?) But I have no complaints over her development thus far, so I see no need for any sort of extreme intervention or personality injection.

I apologize, this session was heavily influenced by aspirin, drugs, alcohol, and fatigue. But I think this was worth it.

 

Questions, comments, concerns, gripes?

Share them!

 

Cheers!

[CyberD]

Never met anyone who can actually type something coherent when they are drunk... must only be slightly. Of course I don't usually hang around people who get drunk nor do I drink myself.

 

So first ProcronX and now you working out all this sexual related stuff. To be fair it is an intriguing subject and there isn't much out there in the way of reference so the best way to figure it out is arguably to address the issue head on... which is what you did so very bluntly with Zala.

 

It's amusing how blunt the whole conversation was. It's not often I read an account on the subject where the end result isn't sexual relations or...... or children.... Being a part of the mind, being imaginary, and nothing more really means that any tulpa has no actual need for sexual function. For some it might help with realism but at least in my case, just like you discovered, I consider it unnecessary.

 

Still, any real efforts in visualization are going to require a full head to toe anatomy which means that somewhere even if it's not at the front of your mind that information is going to be created. Going with the barbie/ken trait of a simple body is a fair way to go. The idea being that the region is of no interest, instead focus either turns to clothes or other parts of the body during interaction.

I would talk about my own experiences with the issue but that is hardly appropriate for posting in someone else's thread... so, moving on.

 

I'd like to make a note of how, not odd, but maybe how impressive it is that your greetings with Zala always seem so formal. My tulpa is always around, I don't make special trips or plan conversations with him. They just happen whenever. If something noteworthy occurs then I talk about it with him as soon as I think to.

Do you often go hours on end without talking to Zala or do you share the occasional conversation outside of designated forcing times?

 

Also, about the whole not being real thing. So what? From day 1 Noah has known he isn't real. It's not a secret and he's really gone along with it. Because he isn't real he can do heaps of things with no limits. Walking through walls? No problem. Changing outfit or even his appearance in an instant. Easy. Knowing exactly what I am thinking? His circumstances make it impossible for him not to know. He likes making fun of these things, they define him and are a part of what makes him different from another boring person.

And I'm seeing a bit of that in Zala already. Knowing this stuff in the wonderland setting and pointing it out is one thing but noting it during passive forcing is another thing entirely... when the world exists and persists but her influence on it is only imagination to the pair of you.

 

Anyway, keep at it, you're only just starting and there is always more to see and do.