Riy's Progress Report

[Guest Riy]

 

I, for one, take direct offense at this since I've had my share of disagreements with my tulpa. Sure it's never turned into a "fight" but disagreements? Sure. What's so hard to believe about two sentient beings disagreeing?

 

Oh wait. You don't think tulpa (tulpas? tulpae?) are sentient.

 

By disagreement I meant fight, argue, screaming, shouting, tears.

Two opposing ideas that are conflicting in a harmful manner.

I didn't mean something that I would consider small or trivial like, say, a tulpa's hair color being different than what the host wants. I mean fundamental issues. The host arguing with the Tulpa because it's a different religion, or it starts doing hurtful or harmful things habitually.

 

As for sentience...

I know my view on it is a bit left field for most Tulpa practitioners and I've noticed people get quite defensive when I express my view. I accept that most everyone's end goal is to have a sentient Tulpa according to Websters and .info

This is a beautiful and worthy goal I think. I wish everyone pursuing this the best of luck. But my goal is different because my view of sentience is different. My view on what a Tulpa is differs from what others think of them as.

 

Neither the community or myself is right or wrong on this I think. But I have seen people get quite frothy when I claim that tulpas cannot be sentient in the sense that they mean it. I do not mean this as a personal attack. I do not mean to tell people they are 'doing it wrong' (as some of our more...verbal...members thought it appropriate to say) because there is no right or wrong way to approach the topic.

 

Tulpas can be brought up to a clever level, quite easily as I've experienced. But until Zala conjures a memory or a thought or an emotion that is not my own, then I have to default back to saying sentience is not achievable

 

Because she is not separate from my own sense of reason and objectivity she cannot be sentient..

 

Maybe it is because of this mindset that I have yet to have a disagreement with Zala?

As in I don't believe it can happen therefore she isn't capable of disagreeing?

 

An interesting thought.

 

Ok...no problems so far...

Is self-discovery not a good enough reason? Sometimes it hurts. I know my journey hasn't been all fun and games all the time.

 

Perseverance is a thing, you know.

 

Again this is a failing on my part to write exactly what I meant.

If a Tulpa is trying to convince the host to kill itself, or slit their parents throat, or to smash their girlfriends head in, or put a puppy in a bag and drown it. Then it's probably best to not deal with the Tulpa. This is obviously past the point of introspection or self discovery.

This has delved into the violent, illegal, and oppressive. If these sort of thoughts or experiences are happening to someone, this is what I meant by 'stop doing things that are hurting you'.

 

I'm changing my profile name to oranGAYtang. That's too good of a pun to pass up

[Procron X]

 

By disagreement I meant fight, argue, screaming, shouting, tears.

Two opposing ideas that are conflicting in a harmful manner.

I didn't mean something that I would consider small or trivial like, say, a tulpa's hair color being different than what the host wants. I mean fundamental issues. The host arguing with the Tulpa because it's a different religion, or it starts doing hurtful or harmful things habitually.

 

We HAVE had one serious disagreement. I didn't get into the details in my progress report. Ok, I really just ignore the whole thing.

 

Basically, after he raped me for the third time in a row, I flipped out on him because he wasn't listening. We're talking fire and ice explosions.

 

Anyways, the point is that even if you fight, you shouldn't just give up on the whole thing.

 

EDIT: And thus I realized I lied in my earlier post. Oopsy. I was kind of foggy when we fought so I don't really remember the whole thing. Mind-rape makes it hard to focus.

[Guest Riy]

@Procron

Ehhhh...we're in an area that I'm not really equipped to give an answer with a sense of conviction. Again, deviations and such are going to occur. Unexpected things should be expected (if that makes any sense?).

 

Again, huge failing on my part for not writing exactly what I mean. I wasn't referring to if they deviate or do something you don't 'like' then you should just toss it in the bin.

 

I meant more like if you're walking away from them feeling like you aren't being fulfilled by them...then there's a snag somewhere.

 

Again, I meant in the very rare, but very much so extreme cases where the host is in physical (or mental) danger that could lead to loss of limb, life, or extreme mental anguish as a direct result of their interaction with their tulpa. Then the tulpa is no longer being beneficial to the host. It is being an extreme hindrance, and alternative methods should be explored.

 

Many many apologies for any confusion when I wrote.

I browsed a lot of PR's last night since I was somewhat bored and interested in reading what others' experiences have been like. I chose the questions based on trends I saw and asked them to myself to see what I would say. In no way, shape, or form was I trying to 'call anyone out'. It was just an introspection exercise that I did to try to solidify some of my thoughts.

 

All the best!

Cheers!

[Guest Riy]

I have a Mossberg 185-D 20 gauge shotgun that I keep in pristine condition. It's a beautiful weapon, it wasn't too beat up when I got it either. I haven't been able to find any lower loaded clips for it at a reasonable price. That's okay though because

It has a top loaded BOLT ACTION SLOT.

 

I thought that that was just the most goddamn coolest thing I had ever seen. Hence me buying it. I get a bit of a hard-on for bolt action weapons. It's a primal, visceral feeling to pull that bolt back and eject an empty shell. The residual smoke wafting from a spent cartridge. Knowing you got one shot. Knowing you can't fu*k it up unless you expect to hit a (more) moving target after the first shot.

It's the only gun I own. I fiddle around with a recurve bow and a hatchet for sh*ts and giggles sometimes but that shotgun man.

Dat

Shotgun

 

The past few days have been very relaxing for me. I mean I'm on vacation and all. The arm's healing up just fine and dandy (though maybe I should have gone to the hospital for a stitch or two). Skins healing up just fine, now it's just swelling and bruising to deal with. Not to mention some deep muscle trauma that's going to limit my hand a wrist movements for a while.

I've been able to partake in drinking at my leisure, and come on. I'm back home around my old stomping grounds. Perfect time for reflection and introspection.

Admittedly I have not done a whole lot with Zala. Not because I've forgotten or I'm purposefully shoving her aside. There just hasn't really been a whole lot going on except for the occasional trip into town or conversation.

I'll practice projection with her now and then when I'm driving or shopping or what-not. That's pretty much it.

 

The real kicker here is that I've been browsing over guides, progress reports, and information concerning tulpas. Not because I'm looking for anything specific, just so that I can educate myself a bit more.

When I first started I stayed very loose minded. I had almost an 'experimental' or 'expeditionary' mindset to the whole thing. Now that I'm coming up on finishing my first couple of months I feel confident enough on where I stand on things so that I can start reading guides or information and not be influenced too heavily by it simply because I'm reading out of ignorance.

Now I some experience under my belt.

 

There's some things I'm always going to struggle with. I'm not a social person by nature so initiating things with Zala is going to be an ongoing battle for me. I'm also a terrible speaker (if you haven't noticed how god awful I am at answering questions Zala asks me). This may help me improve my communication skills in the future. I'm habitually too blunt with people I interact with in my life. I can get by by doing the whole 'charming' thing for a few hours at a time but holy god do I need to recharge something fierce at the end of the day.

I was wondering if this will have any sort of bleed-over effect into Zala. And if I should be taking a more active role with her.

Granted, she seems perfectly content the way things are going. Our conversations are always quite good and she's obviously insightful. But it just feels there's more to her that I'm not quite tapping into by being so....hands off and non confrontational.

 

A lot of guides recommend simple ways of learning more about your tulpa. Someone introduced me to the 'Eye-Spy' game, and several guides suggest using the 'Surprise Me' method of coaxing things they didn't know about their tulpa out. Such as the ability to fly, breath fire, etc.

Perhaps there's something to this.

I'll begin to learn more about her this evening.

 

We'll see how it goes. Updates to follow.

Cheers!

[left blank]

I'm fashionably late, but I wanted to comment on the initial stages of your tulpa. You've definitely had some unique visions.

 

Aside from the metaphorical purification through conflagration and the phoenix-like re/birth, I couldn't help but relate your experience to the universal symbol of the "sacred tree". I've seen many depictions of twisted or spiraling boughs and trunks as well. You seemed to plumb right to the depths of your most primal underpinnings.

 

I also drew parallels between the concept of the wounded but rebounding sapling and Peter Birkhäuser's first experience with his emerging female archetype ("anima," in Carl Jung's terms), who was almost inhuman, damaged and sick. But as Birkhäuser engaged her, she healed and developed a profound vitality.

 

But what really struck me were the similarities between your black void and tulpa-bearing tree and the imagery in David Lynch's short film The Grandmother. (I'm only assuming you haven't seen it before.) Fortunately your progress has been a mite less... traumatic. Still, I have to wonder where you and Lynch converge in the vast ocean of (un)consciousness.

 

(Afterthought: Zala is

by Plaid. It's both Hungarian and Slovenian, as far as I know. Makes for a really awesome name.)

[Redline]

The Surprise Me method? Man, I need to start reading more guides.

 

Also, I've never met anyone interested in guns. Care to shine a bit of that light on me and show me what's cool about it?

[Guest Riy]

I'm fashionably late, but I wanted to comment on the initial stages of your tulpa. You've definitely had some unique visions.

 

Aside from the metaphorical purification through conflagration and the phoenix-like re/birth, I couldn't help but relate your experience to the universal symbol of the "sacred tree". I've seen many depictions of twisted or spiraling boughs and trunks as well. You seemed to plumb right to the depths of your most primal underpinnings.

 

I also drew parallels between the concept of the wounded but rebounding sapling and Peter Birkhäuser's first experience with his emerging female archetype ("anima," in Carl Jung's terms), who was almost inhuman, damaged and sick. But as Birkhäuser engaged her, she healed and developed a profound vitality.

 

But what really struck me were the similarities between your black void and tulpa-bearing tree and the imagery in David Lynch's short film The Grandmother. (I'm only assuming you haven't seen it before.) Fortunately your progress has been a mite less... traumatic. Still, I have to wonder where you and Lynch converge in the vast ocean of (un)consciousness.

 

(Afterthought: Zala is

by Plaid. It's both Hungarian and Slovenian, as far as I know. Makes for a really awesome name.)

 

@Envol thanks for this post, never too late man! Never too late!

Trees, fire, mountains. I've found myself thinking about this a lot still, and this was a couple months ago that it happened. I could probably spend the better part of a day just finding all the little nuances and symbols present.

Honestly it could be everything, it could be nothing. There are no trees outside of the base where I'm stationed. It's a flat, desolate, cold, lifeless place. Even during the summer.

All symbolism aside this could be a subconscious yearning for warmth and plant life (or life in general). Perhaps one day I'll do a very serious sit-down with myself and try to come up with a few things to solidify exactly what I think that opening session that started me out meant.

 

 

As for The Grandmother by David Lynch. I actually have not seen it...and that was quite disturbing what I did watch of the link you provided!

Starting out I'll admit I was a bit apprehensive when Zala was just a tree. I used to have seriously bad nightmares after watching

and for the first few growth sessions she did remind me an awful lot like that tree...

Gradually, and thankfully, she actually grew into a more Tim-Burtonesque sort of design, albeit massive.

 

For my void, there could be something there. I typically thought of it as being a dull black infinite room. Everything was always lighted (though there was no obvious light source) and I never really felt creeped out by it. Perhaps he and I share the view that things in our subconsciousness are 'conjured' from the blackness?

Interesting thought.

 

And that band you mentioned? I'm buying all their albums. Right now.

 

@Redline

I really don't see myself as a gun nut. I've just always been partial to shotguns and bolt action weapons. If you'd like to see exactly what it looks like you can look here.

Personally I've never really cared for projectile weaponry. Call me extremely old fashioned but if I'm going to cause physical harm to someone I prefer to be right up in their face about it. Whether it's with my fist or a knife or a beer bottle. My 20 gauge has a fairly extended barrel allowing for higher accuracy (it's technically a hunting weapon). But the range that I can hit with respectable accuracy is about the same range as where I'd draw the line anyways so it works out rather well.

 

Besides I've been practicing kickboxing for the past 8 years so that makes me really biased towards ranged weapons in general.

 

I'm trained with an M4 Carbine and M16 (yes they still make us do the Forrest Gump tear-down / rebuild of M16s) and I've dabbled with pistols but there's something just so...totalitarian about a shotgun a sense of finality. Add the necessity of having to manually throw the bolt back after each shot.

It gives me piss quivers just thinking about it.

 

I'm by no means some sort of gun hog or gun nut. I work with guys that have miniature armories and it's just....blargh there's no reason for a guy to own 18 rifles, 23 pistols, and a miniature artillery cannon!

 

Always a pleasure guys

Cheers!

[Redline]

Holy shit, that gun is pretty.

[Guest Riy]

ME-ME-MEGA UPDATE

Is your body ready?

 

2013-11-19

Today I decided to have some fun. There's plenty of ways to get reactions from your tulpa. Most are very quaint, respectful, and kind. Examples are like the 'Surprise Me' game.

 

At first I figured I'd play a game of chess with Zala. She seems to be a deep thinker, not to mention I first saw her playing the game with the remnants of the prior 'Zala'. We could have had a kind of bonding session where I asked her all sorts of deep or riveting questions.

Then I realized that literally all of my interaction with her has been something similar to that. Sure I learn more about myself and I'm left with a lot to think about. But I wanted to know more about her. I wasn't going to learn anything about her by sitting down cross legged in front of her and talking. I mean I could, but that sounded dreadfully boring. Boring is not something we / I like. Besides I was feeling pretty froggy and rambunctious. So I decided to up the ante a bit.

 

Ever since I came back to the states from deployment I've learned the value of wearing an undershit beneath your underarmor (keeps sweating to a minimum and controls body odor). Since then whenever I'm lounging around or unless I have to be formal I'm usually seen in a black, white, or grey undershirt and cargo shorts. Let's not forget my trademark Vans with the checkerboard crossed laces.

Very important.

 

Anyways, I brought my .20 gauge with me into my thought-place. I had to keep it over my shoulder since I still don't have the strength in my left arm to hold it in a low-ready position across my torso.

I hate injuries. But I'd deal.

 

For the second time I noticed that Zala didn't greet me as soon as I 'materialized' in the void. I had to travel to her house. There's been no significant changes to anything. The sinkhole's still covered up by the remains of the trunk and the rest of the pieces were used as building material for her house.

 

For clarity's sake imagine that the back of her house is adjacent to the 'edge' of my wonderland. It's also where the rips I made for her to look out to passively force are. I'll attempt to draw a picture of what exactly this all looks like now in a future update so any readers can have an easier time understanding placement.

I didn't feel it necessary to knock. I just walked in to her house.

She was only a few feet away, knitting more branches and leaves into the padding on the chairs surrounding the table by the door.

She smiled up at me as I entered.

"Hey there! What-"

 

I shot her in the face.

 

Solid hit. Slightly off center. A good chunk of the right side of her face vanished and she went tumbling over the back of the couch made of bramble and twigs. Before she fell out of my eye line I did get a good look at what her insides were made up of.

Much like the rest of her, it's just a twisting complicated series of vines, bark, and leaves. There was no residue, no ichor, no fluid or anything like that. The bits that were blown off just vanished into the ether. Several beats went by in silence. A small wisp of smoke rose from the weapon.

 

"Get up Zala, I know I can't hurt you." With one hand I tossed the stock up a few inches to catch the bolt with my fingers and release the spent cartridge, a move I practiced while I went shooting today. With my left I reached for another shell, dropped it in the open slot.

Her hand appeared on the back of the couch and she lifted her head over the frame. The foliage and vines were already extending back around into the cavity in her head.

In just a few seconds she had 'healed' herself, her new eye opening the moment it was fully formed.

I figured she'd just be able to 'grow' her body back. But this confirmed it.

 

She looked pissed.

I was holding the weapon up just by the bolt. I shoved the stock end downwards so I could push the mechanism forward and lock it in place.

That clack sound it makes is so very satisfying.

I tossed the shotgun up just slightly so I could reposition my hand over the trigger guard and grip the handle.

"Let's see if you can hurt me." I dropped the barrel at her again. "I only got one good arm, should be easy for you. Right?"

 

Now, remember how I mentioned everything her house was made of is remnants of the 'original Zala form'? The walls, furniture, etc? I had assumed up until this point that this was all just dead matter. Metaphysical remnants of her prior form.

Well, apparently that's not the case.

 

She charged at me. Running through the couch. Like it just absorbed her and let her pass unobstructed through it. I had assumed she would need to come OVER or AROUND it. Her right hand had something in it. It looked like a spaded leaf, sharp. It protruded from her palm like an extendable razor blade.

So it seems she can become part of things (or they become part of her) and she's able to extend herself past her frame and have prehensile control over it.

 

"Ah...shit."

Zala smacked the barrel away and stabbed wildly at me. I had to move my finger back over the trigger guard to hold onto the weapon. She went straight for my neck, even going so far as to thrust at me from my bad side.

I've always been told that in a knife fight, you're going to get shanked. I've also been told that people unfamiliar with a knife will also overextend. Her first jab cut me just below my hairline, letting blood seep into my eye. On her second jab I grabbed her wrist with my bad hand and yanked her hard into the wall. I imagine if I wasn't actively forcing that the act would have been extremely painful for me. I side-stepped her body as it flung past me.

I brought the shotgun up. Aimed briefly at the back of her head.

 

She disappeared through the wall. Or...into it.

I had literally just forgotten she could do that.

 

"I like this game!" She said playfully. Her voice seemed to come from everywhere around me.

"I don't see why, seems like you're losing this one." I laughed back at her into the air. Blinking away the trickle of blood that was flowing over my eyelashes.

"Seems..." She repeated the word.

"You just going to talk to me intercom-style all day or are you going to-" I felt her behind me.

 

I whirled and purposefully caught the blade she was thrusting at me. Stunting the full swing she would have had with it. It sunk in between the ribs of my back.

I know it's silly, and the concept of 'pain' doesn't really exist. But for a moment it seemed real enough. Having her that close, the grimace on her face, that squinting look in her amber eyes.

 

It was that same conviction I saw when I first witnessed her.

 

We stayed there a long moment. I visualized blood seeping down my face and over her hand.

"Who are you?" I asked her.

"I'm....I'm Zala." She said blinking. Confused.

I dropped the shotgun, braced my leg under her ankle, and rammed my hand under her throat. I heaved her backwards. The dagger sch-licked out of me and her head cracked into the floor as she toppled over.

I picked the shotgun up again. Squatted over her, my weight on my haunches. She seemed to be in a daze.

"Who are you?" I asked again.

Her eyes focused on me after a time and her head cocked slightly.

"I'm yo-"

I flicked her forehead with my thumb and middle finger. I raised an eyebrow at her expectantly. It was a gesture she had done to me plenty of times before, but now I wanted to do it to her. I wanted her to see the way she's made me see.

Her eyes darted across my face and down to the shotgun that lay prone across my knees. She stayed quiet for a long moment.

"I'm me." She whispered.

"Then stop acting like me, and start acting like you."

Tears welled up in her eyes.

"I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM!" She cried at me, wiping at her eyes with her wrist.

 

I was stunned. Literally stunned. Fucking speechless.

 

Then the icy feeling of purpose came over me. I put a hand on her cheek.

"You're the person that just took a shotgun blast to the face and kept coming at me. You're the person that destroyed all the weak and careless parts of yourself. You're the person that hops and skips at my side because you still see the amazing things in the world. You're the person that made me reach for a puppy that I normally would have passed by because I'm too much of an introverted prick. You're the person who's home is built in nothingness and you just deal with it. You're the person that can say three words and have me think over them for a week. You're the person that even tried to love me just to prove a point."

 

I grabbed the leaves of her neck guard and hauled her to her feet. I slapped the stock of the shotgun into her hand, covering the dagger she still had protruding from her palm.

"You're the person I'm giving this to because you're the only one I've seen who's worth having it."

She bit her lip. Her chin quivered as she looked down at the weapon. I put my hands on her shoulders.

"And you're the person I've let down. I'm sorry."

She hugged me tight. I know the physical feeling didn't exist but I'll be damned if I didn't feel it.

 

She's been the greatest thing that's happened to me and by not being so active with her I hadn't realized that she had no sense of self. She had no identity other than me.

Training begins tomorrow. For both of us.

[Gabriel]

Wow... Just, wow...

Did you suspect at all that she didn't have a sense of self? Judging by your speechlessness you didn't.

Do you think that's why she said she wouldn't mind being "killed off" before?

That's mostly rhetoric, though; since I'm speechless I cannot come up with anything clever to say, eh!

R.