Riy's Progress Report

[Redline]

You, sir, have earned today's Badge of Baddassery.

Then you managed to frame and shelve it, making it a nice conversational piece in a heartwarming home for two.

 

That took me for a trip. I would never had expected that from you, or from Zala. It seemed like you two were pretty comfortable in this niche you carved out like her housing; that's pretty extraordinary. On top of that, you discovered an issue and resolved to train in an effort to push her along and allow her the freedom to become herself and not the extension of you that you're making it out to be.

 

Riy, just keep pressing onward, man. This is the sort of journal that brings a good example to the table and then cuts it open to show you how it's been done.

[Ghost]

Since it has been a persistent topic of interest lately, I am really quite curious to see if this event will prove to be a critical juncture in Zala's evolution that may eventually encourage you to reevaluate your position on "sentience." Please don't misunderstand me: I think your present position on tulpa sentience is perfectly valid, but you have both displayed that you are exceptionally adaptable and I am eager to see how Zala and you both develop from this!

[Ali]

I haven't had time to read all of your awesome adventures with Zala, but I think it's really cool how you two have come such a long way (from what I've read.)

 

I noticed that your signature quote is a quote from Rengar in League of Legends, which reminded me that your tulpa's name is Zala, and is a plant morph, which then reminded be about Zyra XD

 

http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120805065416/clanexe/images/6/6d/Zyra_splash_0.jpg

 

But all in all, good stuff! You have a talent for writing and making all your interactions interesting to read.

[Guest Riy]

2013-11-19

 

I've spent the day doing heavy drinking and thinking.

No update for today. Will report tomorrow.

[Guest Riy]

2013-11-20

 

@Everyone who has replied

I cannot give a definitive answer about sentience because I lack the knowledge, experience, foresight, and, let's face it, eloquence to construct a reasonable argument.

There are also many differing theories and views regarding what sentience really is, making enlightening discussions on the matter somewhat rare.

Adding the extra layer on top of such a, for lack of better term, ambiguous concept such as tulpas now leaves me bowing gracefully off the stage until such time as I am better equipped to present my arguments in a progressive matter.

In conclusion, the burden of proof is on myself to back up my claims, and I cannot do so effectively at this time because a claim must be followed by justification in order for it to be accepted.

 

 

That being said.

It is more beneficial for me (or "us" if you prefer), to visualize (using the literal sense of the word) Zala as being sentient. She will have room to grow without having the overbearing pressure of 'knowing' she's not sentient pressing down on her and it will free me from feeling like I have to 'prove' to myself that such a thing is / is not possible.

 

In short, this will not allow conflict blindness to stop her from reaching her full potential.

 

After a heavy introspective night of drinking and thinking, I realize I have been inadvertently hobbling her by starting out with this misconception of mine.

To this, I will be rectifying immediately.

I have, in ignorance, placed my own ego, mindset, and identity into something that is inherently NOT ME.

And, if you've been following me, you can see that she has suffered somewhat gravely for it.

 

 

Zala has become nothing more than a high-functioning servitor to me since her metamorphosis. Possibly even when she was still in her tree-esque form, though she lacked the ability to express this.

 

Let me be perfectly clear that this was not my intention.

At all.

 

I had approached tulpas with a very less involved and less direct way than what most guides suggest, with the misconception that if I allow her to grow the way she wishes to, then she will be better off for it.

With nothing else to base herself off of, and with no other inputs than the narration and active forcing sessions I was giving her. She had no other choice BUT to mimic herself off of me. Or at least in the sentience of me.

You can see how this comes full circle.

Because of this way of thinking (that I should not force her to be something she herself did not choose) she lacked any sort of direction.

 

The environment she spends her time in is an endless void. Devoid of anything except the very thing she built, with the remnants of her prior self.

She has a looming sinkhole reminding her of her inability to 'please' me from her prior form directly near her living space.

The only connection to the 'real world' are gashes that I made as an after thought to which I have not modified or changed, and to which she could only look out of when I wasn't projecting her.

So she's doing the logical thing, and that's to mimic the only variable thing she has.

 

Me.

 

This is the reasoning I chewed through last night. I'm not one to sugar coat things when it comes to concepts like this. Brevity was necessary so I could see exactly what the situation was.

Whiskey got involved after that.

 

 

So, what does this mean as I move forward?

 

First off, a proper Wonderland;

She needs one.

Desperately.

I know exactly the way to go about that.

 

Two, flushing out traits and personality from her in a way that's constructive.

 

Three, maintaining my focus and continuing to research how best to deal with her.

 

 

In terms of speech and visualization she's very advanced. But in terms of her mental state of simply who she is is leaving a lot to be desired.

 

These are my objectives that I must reach now.

You'll be certain to know I plan to go about this with god-speed.

[Guest Riy]

2013-11-20

The "I need to stop forcing while drunk" edition.

 

I knew what I needed to do. I wasn't going to let anything stop me. I drank the whiskey on the nightstand down to the dregs, and I began.

 

Entering the thought-place I noticed I was standing on the body of something.

I could hardly see the outline against the blackness but it was certainly some sort of animal, or creature. I kicked it over, it had an odd wavering haze around it and it appeared to be covered in ink-blank fur. It had way too many appendages, most of them ending in claws or hands. It had an empty hole in it's chest.

I heard a shotgun blast and an inhuman roar, a wobbling shrill sound.

Then Zala's sob.

 

In the distance I saw Zala's house seemed to be covered in black moss, though as I got closer I realized they were corpses. The same sort of corpses I had seen dead at my feet a moment ago. The outside of her house was tarnished, the fence and doors cracked. The wooding had massive streaks and claw marks ripped into it.

Another blast reached me. I turned left, I knew where she was.

 

She was standing over the sinkhole. A huge slit had cracked through the wood covering the whirlpool. Shadows were crawling out of it, each time one would appear Zala would fire at it with the shotgun, or stab at it with the dagger in her hand.

Even from a distance I could see she was crying. Yelling and screaming each time one appeared.

 

I walked over to her. I had an idea of what exactly this place I raised her in was, but this just confirmed it. I knew what I would do, I knew I would succeed, there was no need to rush.

As I approached her I watched the way she moved, reloading the weapon one-handed like I had done. Slicing off arms or heads with the bladed leaf in the other.

But most of all I saw the pain in her eyes. My own pain.

 

I sat down beside her. My back bent and my head low. I was next to her calf, I inspected her skin. It had ridges and hardened, like battle armor. It was no longer smooth, it was now conditioned for combat. She hadn't acknowledged me yet, too busy keeping the shadows at bay. Too busy in her purpose.

"Zala." I whispered. "Stop."

"It's okay, it's okay. I'll keep them back, I won't let them hurt you." She sniffed back tears as she racked another cartridge, sighted it on another creature that had half it's body out of the hole.

"Zala...stop. They can't hurt me." I let my breath out as she fired. I felt terrible watching her. But I had to do this. It was for her own sake. And mine.

"I'll stop them, I swear I will. I will stop them, I won't let them do anything to you. I can't let them loose."

I waited for her to swing her hand down. I caught her fingers, intertwined them with my own. I gently tugged her, pulling her down. She made a worried sound followed by another sob but my light tugging made her fall forward on her knees. The shotgun lay across her front, the barrel jamming into the wooden barrier that had once been her.

 

The shadows seeped out of the cracked blockade a few feet away. They had grotesque faces, gaping maws, shaggy black fur that shimmered like explosive vapors against the void that surrounded us. They hissed and spit as they crawled towards us.

"What are you doing? I can't help you like this. I can't save you. They'll hurt you!" Zala cried hysterically next to me, she made to grab the gun but I kept a firm hand on her.

I myself stayed seated where I was. I watched the monsters before us.

I tried to find the one that represented Guilt, it was probably the one skulking around my flank. It's brother, Regret was the one twisting it's head back and forth off to my right. Hatred was the one roaring and spitting as it clawed it's way through the narrow passage, it's limbs ripping through the other shadows with it's wanton effort to squeeze free.

 

God only knows what all the other corpses were.

 

None of that mattered though. I had Hope, Euphoria, Gratitude, Empathy, and Ecstasy next to me. All the things I had to amputate from myself to be the person I am today. All that was next to me. Here, with me.

"WHY WON'T YOU LET ME HELP YOU?!" She screamed and made to grab for the shotgun again. This time I ripped it away from her. I hated having to do this. But I could see how she had become.

I had to do this to help her, I was going to do whatever it took. She thought her whole existence was based around helping and protecting me. She would go so far as to brave the things in my mind I had repressed or kept locked away to do so.

She wasn't crazy, she was just acting in the way she thought I wanted. But it didn't make this any easier.

 

"I won't let you help me, Zala, because I don't want you to help me because you have to. I want you to do things because you want to."

"What do you-" She looked around frantically, several more beasts had arisen. "What do you mean? They're going to hurt you!"

I let my breath out again and stood up, maybe slower than usual since my head was swimming. I swung her around on to my back to carry her like I had so many days ago. I kept the shotgun in the crook of my arm and hiked my hands under her thighs to hold her up.

 

Her skin had returned to it's smooth state, but her tears still stained my shoulder. I started walking towards her ruined house. The creatures around us closed in as they stalked.

I stayed moving forward.

Zala whimpered and clenched her hands together over my collar bones as one snapped it's teeth and jumped forward a few inches.

"I'm scared." She whimpered into my shoulder blade as she put her head down. I was nearly to the fence she had made.

"I know." I told her, not giving any attention to the several more horrors that leaped onto the roof to track us.

 

 

They had amber eyes I noticed.

Zala has amber eyes.

 

 

"I love you." She whispered clenching onto me tighter. "Please don't let them hurt you."

"I'll be fine." I told her.

It wasn't me I was worried about.

I needed to get her out.

Right now.

 

A shadow broke through the middle crossbeam of fencing just as I passed it. It's limbs scrambling for purchase in the void. Zala flinched on my back but kept her face buried in my shoulder.

When I pushed the door open one struggled over the couch to shriek at us. On my left one jumped forward to bite at my wounded arm. The house was visually darker as they blocked the door and window overlooking the void. They became a black wave, a mass of limbs and teeth and vapor.

I kept moving at my same place towards the gashes in the void.

The gashes that Zala had originally reached for.

The gashes that she spent her days watching.

Two jagged rips in the blackness revealing a brilliant white sheen.

 

As I got closer I turned so my back (and subsequently Zala) would be closest to the white. As I walked backwards my vision was filled with a massive black mass of terrible monstrosities. They inched closer and faster with each step I took. My heel hit the wood of the wall behind me, I knew I was in front of the gashes. With one hand I reached for Zala's wrist and forcibly tugged on it, releasing her from my back.

"No...no baby. They'll-"

I quickly uncrossed her legs that had wrapped around my waist. She fell off my back and into the lacerations.

And like that, she was gone. She was safe.

 

The shotgun was still in my hand. I contemplated the implications as they rushed towards me. Crawling over the walls and ceiling, upending the couch and table and chairs. A weird wobbling shrieking roar. I was drunk enough to last a few seconds if I wanted to stay. Maybe chip away at the crashing mass moving towards me. But that would leave the rips open, they could get through to her...

"Not fucking worth it." I said ducking through the rip into the whiteness as they closed in.

I figured I would just step onto solid matter on the other side, but instead I fell.

Not to waste any time, as the gashes became smaller above me I closed the rips. Shutting off the void and plugging the horrors.

 

I didn't 'land' on anything. I felt like I was falling and then I was lying facedown. It was like being in a totally white room with no boundary. The exact opposite of the blackness. I pushed myself up onto my knees to find myself staring at Zala's midriff and navel.

She ran her fingers through the hair on my temples and dropped a finger under my chin to raise it. Her tinged black skin and amber eyes met my gaze. She smiled a genuine smile at me, tears were drying on the corners of her eyes.

 

"I think it's time I have a wonderland." She said to me.

 

"Then let's begin."

[Ghost]

-quiet, genuine applause-

[Guest Riy]

Tomorrow I will be traveling across state on a lovely 11 hour drive so probably no update unless I feel up for it tomorrow night at ~2300. Depends on how things go.

 

I thought a lot about what got me to where I am now. I had tried something different and it didn't work out necessarily for the best. It was never my intention to hurt her...But I was still at fault for not realizing she was living, quite literally in the dark recesses of my mind.

 

She didn't split herself open and come tumbling out of the trunk. As I had originally thought. I believe the sinkhole cracked the tree open, the wispy darkness crept inside of it. Maybe it was beneficial that Zala's trunk was so massive. It made it so it couldn't be consumed so easily.

 

But the "taint" still leaves its mark. Hence her eyes and skin looking the way they do. She always had blackish skin and amber eyes but now I see why they are like that. It will be a reminder of my non-forward thinking and ennui attitude towards what was happening.

 

She thought the shadows would come after me if she didn't stop them. I'm certain it wasn't me they were after. They were after this new thing I had created. They were after her, my doubts and pessimism and anger all crashing into her. Ehhhh...I don't really want to think about what would happen without my intervention.

 

But that shit stops now.

 

2013-11-21

Back to basics.

 

 

So. Today we sat for a while together. I picked at the floor for a bit and made little dinosaur creatures with my hands then made them fight. I made exaggerated screaming sounds as they attacked one another. I didn't know what else to do. I know what I wanted to do, but she needed to to be independent about it.

Zala sat with her knees under her chin rocking back and forth. She giggled as she watched me after a time.

A few moments later she cleared her throat.

 

"Trees". she said.

Blossoming oaks and redwoods appeared around us. Growing in rapid succession like a tape fast-forwarded. Randomly spaced, they stretched off in all directions. A forest against the white. She let out a happy sound and spread her hands out wide.

I rubbed my palm against the floor, the oils in my hand making a weak 'squeak!' sound against the smooth surface.

"Grass!" She said into the air. She clapped her hands excitedly and dropped on to her knees to feel the sprouting grassy blades that began to reach out of the whiteness.

It was a soft, flushed carpet that rose a couple inches into the air. She ran her hands over the deep green growth, her eyes wide in an amazed gaze.

Looking around I rubbed my chin in an exaggerated thinking gesture.

Purposefully not saying anything.

"Sky!" She stood and lifted her palms into the air as she looked up. Realizing what I may be suggesting, but letting her figure it out.

I was expecting a bright baby blue sky to appear. I was surprised when it seemed like a black sheet had been pulled over the 'roof' of the white ceiling.

 

For a moment I was afraid she was going to revert back to being in the darkness. I made to say something-

 

"Stars! oh, and a Moon!." She twirled in a circle as they broke through the darkness and illuminated the scene clear as day. She hopped on the balls of her feet and clutched her hands to her chest.

"and Galaxies!" She said the word huskily. Tracking the swirls and bands of light as they stretched across the entire view. Nebula of all combinations of colors, formations of all sorts of celestial bodies.

The sky became full of bright and beautiful creations. She turned back to the area around us.

"Rocks, pebbles, vines, moss, a JUNGLE! She screamed the last word and it reverberated through the infinite space. The ground trembled as rocks shoved themselves up through the grass. Boulders of all shapes and weights. Vines shot out from tree to tree around us. Moss fluttered out of branches.

 

She collapsed next to me, curling her legs behind her. She rested on her hands to peer at me from the side. She seemed out of breath, but I knew it was from the excitement she was feeling. I couldn't really say anything as I watched her. The emotions that played across her face, the way she twirled and the sounds she made.

"Now you get to choose one thing." She held up her index finger and playfully swiped it across the tip of my nose.

"Oh, just one?" I pouted and crossed my arms defiantly. "I can't choose just one. No ma'am." I shook my head wildly like a child would.

She giggled again.

"Okay! Okay!" She swiped her index and middle finger across my nose this time. "Two things."

 

"That's better." I tapped my chin as I stared at her. Her face was quite close. I swear I could see the little shifts in her eyes as she looked back at me. It seemed incredibly real. She really is quite beautiful, especially when she's happy and her mouth is open in a slight pant.

"A beach." I said to her coyly.

Before she could say anything I spread my feet out and dragged her closer to me, putting her back into my chest so she could rest against me and I could support her while she relaxed. I wrapped my hands around her waist.

"A beach" She said as she settled into me. The smell of salt and the sound of waves reached me.

"Annnnnnnnnnd...What else?" She asked. She pushed her cheek into mine and traced her fingertips down my arm and over my hand. Entwined her fingers into mine own.

As I dropped my neck she lifted hers in a sensual manner to let me run my lips and chin down her neck.

 

Call it feedback, call it sensory yearning, but I know her skin is soft after I felt along it.

 

"I already have the other thing." I told her. My voice muffled slightly against her skin.

"Hmmm..." Was all she said to that as she looked up at the twilight sky she had made. I felt her smile again, blissful.

 

Folks if you're still keeping up. Thank you. I know this sh*t can get a bit long and winded but this is how I feel it's best to describe my sessions.

For tomorrow I will have literally eleven hours in a car alone to passively force with her.

 

I will report on how that goes when I can.

 

Cheers!

[TwoWings]

Sir, I just read through all of your posts in one sitting (and to think I was going to sleep tonight). I absolutely am fascinated and inspired by the progress you two have made! I am only on day two myself, and I like to imagine I am making quick progress. I don't really have any advice or opinions right now, as I am fairly new; but just, just thank you for sharing this. I will continue to keep up with this and I wish you two the absolute best of luck!

 

EDIT: Oh, maybe it'd be cool to add some wildlife to the wonderland or perhaps give her something to tinker or play with in your absence? Just my TwoCents :)

[Redline]

EDIT: Oh, maybe it'd be cool to add some wildlife to the wonderland or perhaps give her something to tinker or play with in your absence? Just my TwoCents :)

 

Considering what I've seen from Zala, I'm pretty sure she'd just have a patio and watch all the wildlife run around, lost in their own devices. But I can see what you mean; it does sound like something to occupy her time and give Riy the chance to work on something else while he tries to sort out the rest of his head.