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A Not So Wonderful Beginning to a Wonderland (escapist tendencies on my part?)


Teruhi15

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EDIT: Added color and name tags to make it easier to tell us apart.

 

Update #15 (3-16-14;9 am)

Meiko: Hi! Meiko here! Melli's letting me post this update, but... hm... I don't really know what to talk about. I guess I should talk a bit about what happened last night. I won't go into details, because Melli's hesitant about it, but we had a run-in with another one of those shadows. I was worried about fighting it, simply because I haven't fought anything like that before. Well thanks to that, I was attacked. But it's alright! I'm fine now! We weren't able to defeat this one, but we did trap it. I don't think it can get out or harm us, so we're talking about what to do with it.

 

Also, I'll be training as an... Archer? Is that the word?

 

Melli: You could go by Ranger, you know. See, you're sort of a long range fighter, with both the bow and arrow and some magic. Meiko's got water/ice magic, because her emotions are fluid and easily changeable. Not like on a whim or anything, more like... She has control over them and chooses to change them to fit the overall mood? I dunno. I thought it suited her. I don't have a reason for ice, though. If anything, she warms hearts. If that's not too cheesy to say. Lilith is the fighter, she fights up close with her dual bladed hula hoops. Think Soul Caliber. She really loves them~ The blades are retractable, and a weapon I've been dreaming of ever since my roomies made me hula hoop with them.

 

Oh! They both have armor, too! It's pretty wonderful. I'll draw it up sometime~ I don't need any armor, because my scales in wonderland reflect most damage.

 

Meiko: She's way too excited about this. I'm excited too, don't get me wrong, but I've never been a fan of RPGs. Not like she is. I'm not afraid, I just don't know how any of it works. That's what the training is for, though.

 

Hm... What else...

 

Oh! Oh yeah! Melli's been saying good morning and good night to Lilith and I everyday. She was told to do that in the beginning, and she hasn't missed a single day. I'm so proud! I think it's a habit of hers now. :)

 

Also, Lilith's personality is forming more and more everyday. She is pretty blunt about everything, but seems to be curious about the world around her. She doesn't understand much of the world right now, so she still comes off as pretty harsh. She likes to find out why people act a certain way, and what made them do it. The downside to telling her is that if she doesn't think it's reasonable, well... She tells you just what she thinks of it, and her favorite word is "stupid".

 

That's all we have today, but I'm so happy that I get to post an update! It's so much fun! :D

Meiko

"Life is meant to be experienced with others in order to enjoy the journey more."

 

Lilith

"Bodies are just stupid human things."

 

Emory

"Personality merely shows how you view the world based upon your circumstances."

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Update #16 (3-19-14;4 pm)

So we don't have all that much to report, but I wanted to post something since it's been about 3 days.

 

We've had no more run-ins with those shadow creatures, and the one that we captured is still in the basement. We're talking about what to do, but my favorite idea is to get all three of us stronger, and then try and fight him again. Hopefully this will happen in a week or two, but I don't know.

 

I trained with Lilith a bit yesterday, taught her about the ins and outs of fighting. She has great raw power, but she leaves herself way too open and forgets to block. I'm helping her with that, and we spar once a day. I'm helping Meiko master the bow and arrow a bit, since she didn't even know how to shoot it at first. It's only been about 2 or 3 days though, so we all have a long ways to go.

 

I think the hardest part is yet to come. Trying to co-ordinate battle strategies will be... difficult. Lilith always wants to rush in, Meiko is a semi-pacifist, and I prefer to sneak up and then take down. So I guess we'll see how well we fight together.

 

Possession goes great. I haven't been letting Meiko control the whole body for a while for a few reasons, but her typing is getting really great. I've been letting her type for at least an hour a day, sometimes more, so she's pretty excited about her progress.

 

I'll be at a friend's next week, so this will be on hiatus for that time, but I plan on telling her about Meiko and Lilith. She's someone who's always shared my delusions, so if I explain this right, she won't think I'm crazy or anything. Meiko's really looking forward to talking with someone irl who knows about her, since it's kind of a lonely existence for her. I feel bad about that, so I would like to remedy it by helping her meet others.

 

That's about all for today. I'll probably post again once or twice more before leaving.

Meiko

"Life is meant to be experienced with others in order to enjoy the journey more."

 

Lilith

"Bodies are just stupid human things."

 

Emory

"Personality merely shows how you view the world based upon your circumstances."

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Update #17 (3-24-14;10:30 am)

Hello! This is basically a copy-paste from my tulpa journal (because I do keep one separate from this, mostly for personal crap that I don't want to post), and I wanted to share it.

 

Before that, however, I wanted to mention that I rarely get head pressure from Meiko. I only ever get that from Lilith. For some reason, though, most of the time when talking to Meiko, when she's possessing, when I'm proxying, or just generally whenever I think about her, I tend to get this pressure on my left shoulder blade, which I don't get any other time. It seems to be an internal pressure. I don't know what that is, or if it's related to her, but I keep meaning to mention it and then I actually go to post and forget all about it.

 

Without further ado, here is my report, and probably the last post for this week!

~~~

So this morning, Meiko and I wanted to try possession and also to try some of the yoga poses for the class I'm taking. I decided to let her try and see what total relaxation feels like, being in control of the body but away from the senses. We went from there into a meditation, guided by me, and Meiko got the idea that, while my mind was more suggestible, to suggest that my Dermatillomania would go away, that I wouldn't have the compulsion anymore. I figured why not, so she gave it a shot. I mean, sure it's not self-hypnosis, but it's a fairly easy jump from where we were at. Plus I'm tired of the scarring and everything else that comes with that disorder.

 

I also let her bring the body out of the yoga pose, the relaxation pose, and this was the most smoothly I've ever seen her move in the body. She also tried her hand at talking, and while it was only a whisper, she did get some words out. This is really exciting, and I think I want to do yoga/meditation every morning with Mei from now on. Where she controls the body for the latter half and me for the beginning half, and we go on a sort of meditative journey.

 

Before today, I would always meditate and do yoga on my own, but her and I both seem to be a lot happier right now, a deeper connection or something.

 

Also, I wanted to mention that it's really weird. I can tell when Mei's actually possessing versus when I think she is because not only do I get a rush of excitement from her, my thoughts seem... Distant? I dunno. Her voice is clearer and mine seems to be further away. I also get a tingling sensation in the limb she's possessing, similar to when a limb is falling asleep.

 

When Lilith is a bit more developed, I can try yoga/meditation with her at night, and with Meiko in the morning. Well... If Lilith can stay calm for more than 2 minutes at a time.

~~~

 

Well, that's about it. Does anyone have a suggestion for Meiko on how to make possessing easier? On that note, I think that I helped a lot by removing myself from the physical sensations first. Any advice for me on how to do that more effectively?

 

And on that note, I'll end the update here.

Meiko

"Life is meant to be experienced with others in order to enjoy the journey more."

 

Lilith

"Bodies are just stupid human things."

 

Emory

"Personality merely shows how you view the world based upon your circumstances."

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EDIT: Color coded & added "name tags".

 

Update #18 (3-15-14;11 pm)

 

So it's nothing that important, but I think I'd like to work on possession as more than just a side project. Meiko really wants to talk with others, face-to-face, and I certainly don't mind giving up a few hours of my boring days to her. So that's that. I'd like to eventually work on dual ownership of the body, where Meiko controls it for part of the day and I get the other part. Anyways, we were reading this guide on it and she was practicing controlling just one finger. For Meiko, she has broad movements down, but it's a lot harder for her to control little things, like finger movements and such.

 

So I was giving her control over just one hand, telling her to think of it as "hers". It's not my hand that she's controlling, it's her hand. That seemed to make it a lot easier. At this point, Lilith decided to jump in. "Ooh, me too me too! I want to try!" So she took the other hand, but there was no progress for her. Meiko's gloating a bit, but if she taunts anymore, I'll be worried about her well-being.

 

From now on, this body is not "mine", it is "ours".

 

I start back at school on the 31st, so I'll be working really hard until then. Meiko's really excited about it, I mean, she has told me a few times that she wants a physical body, and I certainly don't mind sharing.

 

Mei has a few words to say, so... Without further ado, here she is.

 

Meiko: Hello! I am actually really excited about this. I've spent a lot of time just thinking about how great it would be to have a physical form. I like being here more than anything, but I really feel isolated. I really want to interact with others. My host is very introverted, and that's fine, but I want big groups of friends. I want to meet new people, and go spend time in crowded streets at a market or whatever. I just want to be... I don't know, more... "real"? That's not the word. I'm real, I'm sentient, I just want to be a part of society, and I want to have conversations with like-minded people, and debates with those who hold opinions opposite of mine.

 

That's basically why I'm looking forward to possession and dual ownership. I really want to be... Alive. I mean, I'm alive right now, but I'm just sort of here. It's hard to explain.

 

Does anyone have any advice? We've been poking around and found some interesting links, but does anyone have advice, ideas, or experience?

Meiko

"Life is meant to be experienced with others in order to enjoy the journey more."

 

Lilith

"Bodies are just stupid human things."

 

Emory

"Personality merely shows how you view the world based upon your circumstances."

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EDIT: Color coded

 

Mini-update!

 

So I was derping around online with Meiko, and I found this game, Escape. I've played it before, but came across it again. It's pretty simple, you just use the escape key to climb. It's about fast-thinking and quick decisions... And it really tests how far you will go before ragequitting.

 

I figured, however, that since there's only one key to hit, it would be perfect for Meiko's first video game!

 

So I handed over control and let her try it. She did.... Fairly well. My high score is 183 meters, and hers is 31 meters. This was a lot of fun, and I think it will help her get better control over tinier movements of the body.

 

If anyone's looking for a game to play with their tulpa, I recommend this one. It's fun and it's simple.

 

Meiko: It's a lot harder than it looks. I'm not a fan of video games in the first place, but I figured that it would be a good way to practice. But it's kind of frustrating.

 

~~~

Also, I don't talk about forcing much, but that's because I spend time with Lilith and Meiko constantly, sometimes passively and sometimes actively. I find it hard to "force" when I'm already talking, laughing, and hanging out with them constantly. When we're alone, I focus most of my time on them. When I'm around others, I get their opinions on what's being said. I just never really stop talking to them, unless they don't want to talk. I'll try and be better about reporting little things like that on here.

Meiko

"Life is meant to be experienced with others in order to enjoy the journey more."

 

Lilith

"Bodies are just stupid human things."

 

Emory

"Personality merely shows how you view the world based upon your circumstances."

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Update #19 (3-27-14;11 am)

So today I had to go out on the town and deal with college stuff and job hunting stuff. I am, unfortunately, carless currently. Hence I needed this body's feet to take me there.

 

On our way back, Meiko insisted that I let her try walking outside, just for a little bit. Yesterday, I had given her control over the body for about 20 minute segments every few hours, since she was relentless about asking. Basically, we're working really hard on getting possession down, and we have been practicing at every chance we get.

 

So she managed to not faceplant today, yay! Also yesterday she cooked and ate her first meal, which she enjoyed way too much for my liking. I'm trying to get this body in shape, and overeating won't help at all.

 

Meiko: ......This body DOES have a shape, though.

 

Haha, very funny.

 

Ah... Anyways that's basically where we're at. The hypnosis/meditation to help with Dermatillomania hasn't really helped, but every time I feel that compulsion, Meiko reminds me that it's no longer just my body, and I have no right to harm it. That has been pretty helpful, but the compulsion isn't gone. I'm actually really curious if it will carry over, considering it's usually caused by low levels of Serotonin in the brain, and we share the physical brain. I really want to know if once Meiko controls the body a bit better, if she'll feel that compulsion too, or if it's specific to my personality.

 

Well I'm rambling now, but basically possession goes great.

 

As far as the shadows go, I want to get rid of them before delving too far into dual ownership of the body. We are going to prepare ourselves and try and destroy that one that we have trapped today. Hopefully we can at least injure it.

 

Lilith is growing more complex everyday. I'm pretty used to the way she talks now, and her voice is distinct from Meiko's. She tells it like it is, and she's never afraid to tell me exactly what she thinks of things. It's sometimes harsh, but necessary. She's very opinionated. She also really wants to try possessing, but I think I'll wait until she's more developed to let her. Plus I don't think trying to coach two people on controlling the body at the same time is very smart, nor is it safe.

 

Also, I'm curious about something. So Meiko's gotten pretty good at possession freakishly fast. Not that that's a bad thing, but my hypothesis is that it's because she has been in my brain for nearly 5 years now. 5 years in June. She may have developed a really strong connection to it, knows how it works, etc... Are there any other opinions on why she's getting so good so fast? Or is it that we're doing something wrong? I have no clue how many of those 5 years she was sentient, but I think since around the end of the first month. I always worry that we're going way too fast or that we're doing something wrong, even though I know it's a subjective experience. Meiko knows her limits and stops when she's tired, so she doesn't try and overwork herself or anything.

Meiko

"Life is meant to be experienced with others in order to enjoy the journey more."

 

Lilith

"Bodies are just stupid human things."

 

Emory

"Personality merely shows how you view the world based upon your circumstances."

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Update #20 (4-2-14;6:30 pm)

Geez, it's been a while! Well guys, we're back and have a little bit to report. Nothing too substantial or anything, but some fun stuff.

 

First off, dealt with one of the shadows today. I figured we were ready since Lilith and Meiko both were able to beat me in a sparring match, so I figured we'd give it a try. It's always nice when things go off without a hitch, but it always worries me more. Anyways, tentatively celebrating this accomplishment.

 

Next up, so I started school on Monday and, for the fun of it, decided to let Meiko go ahead and write! Her handwriting is a lot more elegant than mine, but she takes longer to write which is bad for note taking. She'll be practicing every night. I'll get a picture of her handwriting compared to mine soon and post it, because it really is astoundingly different.

 

We've been meditating together every morning (with the exception of Lilith; she finds it "boring and pointless".)

 

Also, if I manage to stay awake at all after posting this, it's been a long and hectic few days, then Lilith and I will go on an adventure together, which I'm looking forward to.

 

Oh yeah, almost forgot! I'm planning on telling a close friend of mine irl. Childhood friend and crap. I dunno how he'll take it, but he's a docile person. I don't think he'll shun me. I mean, if he was going to, he'd have already done so for other reasons.

 

Gah, that's about it. Nothing interesting to report. Now I'm going to go and hang out with Lilith for an hour before falling into the sweet embrace of blankets and pillows until I have to wake up and do it all again.

Meiko

"Life is meant to be experienced with others in order to enjoy the journey more."

 

Lilith

"Bodies are just stupid human things."

 

Emory

"Personality merely shows how you view the world based upon your circumstances."

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Update #21 (4-5-14;8 am)

Okay, first things first, have no idea why I'm up this early but I am. Figured I'd post before getting my day started.

 

So first off, Meiko's possession is going really well! We've been working at it as much as possible. She's tired, so I think today might be a break day, even though she's protesting that idea. We'll see how she's doing later in the day. Anyways, we've gotten to the point where, and I know that most people say it isn't possible, but if she takes over without warning, I can't get control for about 1 or 2 seconds. It's only one part, like a hand, and it only lasts a few seconds. I know that it may seem dangerous, but believe me, Meiko has my best interests at heart. I can't really explain that here, but it's really not a dangerous thing in this case, especially since it's for such a short time. Also, she's agreed to only do that when it's necessary and I know her, so I know that she wouldn't ever hurt me.

 

Say what you will, it happened even if it's not "normal" or "safe". Believe me, I was shocked when it happened.

 

Enough with the controversy, on another note the nightmares are back! They are different than the old ones, somehow. I don't wake up mid-REM paralyzed and terrified anymore, so that's a positive I suppose. I want to find a way around the nightmares, to get rid of them, but who knows. They can be good to uncover things hidden deep in the subconscious, emotions and such that like to hide away, so I guess I should be writing them down and analyzing them to figure myself out, huh? If I ever remember the details, I'll be sure to do that. This is tulpa-related since I want to have Lilith and Meiko help me with lucid dreaming at some point, which I've never done. It sounds kind of promising, so we're going to work on that.

 

Oh, for the MAIN point of this, I'm taking an Animal Behavior course this term, and in it we talked about how certain things develop over time, such as translation of sensory input from external stimuli. So I haven't been in this community for very long and I've only skimmed the Research section, but I was getting to thinking about that, and of course a tulpa's senses wouldn't be as strong as the host's, since they don't need to feel, taste, touch, hear, and see the things around them to survive. It would also be because even though they have a connection to the body, they don't develop their own nervous system, obviously. Therefore they only have the memory for feeling and input to go off of. But that got me thinking, are the senses of an imposed tulpa stronger than one who isn't imposed? Also, why do hosts (when switched) have to impose their senses there? Do the senses fade over time? I haven't really seen that discussed anywhere, but I don't really want to post it as a question in the Research thread. I'm... A bit shy, and haven't posted out of the PR yet. Anyways, these are some tulpa questions I've been pondering. You'll see more of these random things on here, because school makes me ponder and I want to help understand more about tulpas, since the scientific community refuses to consider this a possibility, barring those who are here. Besides, it's an interesting topic.

 

Also, thinking of telling that irl friend today. The conversation will go something like this. "Oh, hey! Yeah, it has been a while. Hey, you know what? In that time, I've given my head voices to talk to me when I'm lonely. They have personalities and names, too! Yeah, sentient people living in my brain!" Hm. I don't see ANYTHING that can go wrong with this. I dunno. Might put it off for another week. I don't even know how to breach this topic, let alone explain why it's possible scientifically. Wish me luck.

Meiko

"Life is meant to be experienced with others in order to enjoy the journey more."

 

Lilith

"Bodies are just stupid human things."

 

Emory

"Personality merely shows how you view the world based upon your circumstances."

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Update #22 (4-7-14;10 pm)

School isn't getting in the way as much as I thought it would, at least for now. Actually, a lot of what we're doing is review for me, which gives me lots of time to go into wonderland and force! I don't know it I've mentioned this, but I kind of hate that word. I'm not forcing anything on my tulpas, I'm merely spending time with them. But it's the accepted term, so that's that. Anyways, as I mentioned, my nightmares are back, but I'm able to find meaning in them now. I'm able to analyze them deeply and crap. Not Freudian style of course, not everything is a phallic symbol that represents my Electra complex (I think that's what the female version is called, anyhow). I'm going to begin trying to lucid dream, in which I can see my tulpas in my dreams. That might help, even if I can't escape from a nightmare I won't be alone. At least a bit comforting, of course.

 

Lilith is pretty much completely alive and all that fun stuff. Of course, I still interact with her, but now she's vocal, sentient, and she is adding on extra personality traits for herself, though she doesn't name them. I'll do that. Here's an updated list of Lilith's personality: Blunt, honest, adventurous, childish, easily excitable (if she's interested), sassy, and apathetic (about anything she isn't interested it). She's quite the character. Energetic, too. She's quite the handful, but I love her like a daughter. Though I don't want kids, ever, I don't mind this. Oh, also, Lilith has a deep love for J-pop. Well, anything upbeat and unique, really.

 

Don't have a fix for my Dermatillomania yet, but Meiko will catch me and remind me that I can't harm this body anymore because it doesn't belong to just me. That helps, most of the time. Not always, but I'm finding the compulsion easier and easier to fight off. I mean, it will NEVER be easy, but I'm a bit hopeful.

 

I'll be scanning Meiko's handwriting versus mine at some point to show you guys, it's really gorgeous. My handwriting looks like your typical student's, but hers is all elegant and fancy. It's nice to open my notebook and see that.

 

It's important to mention here, I've been interested in the idea of switching from the very beginning. Meiko and I have begun lightly working on that, but it's not easy. I didn't expect it to be easy though, so meh. We'll get it one day. Until then, just gotta keep working at it.

 

Well that's all for this update, we'll post again soon!

Meiko

"Life is meant to be experienced with others in order to enjoy the journey more."

 

Lilith

"Bodies are just stupid human things."

 

Emory

"Personality merely shows how you view the world based upon your circumstances."

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Update #23 (4-11-14;12 pm)

 

I haven't had much to report honestly. But I figured that while in school I'd post once a week, at least talking about little things that happened with Meiko and Lilith throughout the day so that I have something to talk about in terms of their development.

 

So first off, Meiko's possession is going really great. She can full body possess for short increments of time, 20 minutes is the maximum when it comes to actively doing things (like walking). If we're just sitting and derping online, she can typically possess for about an hour. When I mentioned switching the other day, I wanted to clarify that I don't mean we're just jumping into that headfirst. It's true, we're both excited to be able to switch, but I know it will take a while. I suppose I just wanted to see where we are at right now, in the interest of gauging our progress. That's not something we'll be attempting until she can possess and actively move for somewhere around 4 or 5 hours, on her own. Right now, I still have to coach her on certain things.

 

I've been sparring daily with Lilith, and both of us are improving. We're thinking of going to find another of those shadows to defeat soon, since I think we're all ready to be rid of them and we have the ability to take them on, I should think. Of course, we'll all still train. Lilith has to be constantly moving or doing something exciting, she gets bored very easily, so I tend to let her explore on her own. Sometimes if I don't feel like paying attention in school, I'll accompany her, so I guess that would be considered "forcing". On top of that, any spare time (I don't abandon my social life, I'm including that in the non-spare time) that I have is spent with Lilith and Meiko.

 

This hasn't been mentioned yet, and I'm worried that it might be too soon, but I am considering forming a third tulpa. I was thinking the other day on this and thought up something great that made me laugh more than it should have. "Tulpas are like potato chips, you can't have just one!" Anyways, yeah. I don't know exactly yet, I think I'll give it a bit more time and make sure that I can actually handle another and still give all of them enough attention. If I were to do this, however, I would want a balance. Meiko is cute and girlish, Lilith is adventurous and childlike, so the third would probably balance them out. Refined, soft spoken, and polite. Sometimes sarcastic, but dryly so. Gender-wise, I'm leaning toward non-binary for this one. Pronouns will be fun, I'm sure. But as I said, I'm still thinking on it. I don't know if I will make a third tulpa or not, and if I did, it would probably be later on. We'll see.

 

Anyways, that's about it for now. I'll post again next week, with any luck.

Meiko

"Life is meant to be experienced with others in order to enjoy the journey more."

 

Lilith

"Bodies are just stupid human things."

 

Emory

"Personality merely shows how you view the world based upon your circumstances."

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