A Not So Wonderful Beginning to a Wonderland (escapist tendencies on my part?)

[Teruhi15]

Update #10 (3-9-14;1 pm)

I'm pretty excited about this one, Tamaki was able to full-body possess and stand up without faceplanting earlier today! It took an hour, and had quite a few hilarities (for example, he forgot to blink and was freaking out because his eyes burned and he couldn't figure out why), but he stood up!

 

He wants to talk about it himself, so he's working on typing it up in Notepad, but we're doing it in 20-minute segments, since typing is still difficult for him. It doesn't help that our right wrist is sprained and he's still dead tired. Anyways, I won't kill his fun and I'll keep the details secret for now.

 

I think that, at least while working on possession, I won't refer to this body as "mine", but rather "ours" so that he can get into that mindset too.

[ShyMagi]

Really cool, Teruhi. Also, I've gotta ask... he's vocal?! As in.. you hear him in your mind? Yet, your rational thinking still doubted his existence? Hmm.. did you believe you had DID or something? xD

[Teruhi15]

Really cool, Teruhi. Also, I've gotta ask... he's vocal?! As in.. you hear him in your mind? Yet, your rational thinking still doubted his existence? Hmm.. did you believe you had DID or something? xD

Ah, thank you~ Yeah, he's vocal but I always just believed he was an imaginary friend. It was like... I knew he was sentient, but I told myself he wasn't because my mom sent me to a therapist when I first told her ^^ It's hard to explain my thought process at the time, though.

 

And it certainly didn't help that my grandparents claimed he was a demon who I had invited in haha~

[Glowcharm]

I don't know if this is weird to say or not, but I'm really excited to see what Tamaki is going to post! :0

[Teruhi15]

I don't know if this is weird to say or not' date=' but I'm really excited to see what Tamaki is going to post! :0[/quote']

No, it's not weird at all! He's happy to hear it, honestly~

 

Update #11 (3-10-14;11:30 am)

So today, I finally finished editing the typos in Tamaki's report. He has quite a bit that he wants to talk about, so this is kind of a novel. I'll leave the rest up to him~

 

Hello! This is Tamaki, and I want to talk a bit about my experience with possession and a few other things. I'm by no means an expert or anything, but I will have some advice that I discovered, mostly aimed at tulpae. If you want the host's side of things, ask Melli. I also hope that you guys will PM us and chat with me (or Melli) sometime! I won't bite or anything. :) We lurk the IRC and the forum most days, since she tends to avoid people in real life. I'm trying to help her with that.

 

So first up is my report of possession. This paragraph will be the method that I used and the methods I plan on trying. So I tried to sort of 'wear' the body, like a suit, and move it like I would move my own wonderland form. Since I'm human in wonderland, the movements translate over pretty easily. I would probably describe it as controlling one of those mecha in anime. I'm not as big of a fan as Melli is, but I am familiar with the concept. Anyways, it's like using movements to control a mecha. Not the joysticks and pedals, rather like wearing a suit that's connected to the mecha through technology. But while in the mecha itself. I think that The End from Eureka 7 is an example of that, though we haven't actually seen it. Her roommate loves it, so we hear about it a lot, yet I don't know the exact mecha technology in that show. I'm rambling, so I'll get back on point. Another method we are thinking of trying next time is one where I will control her... I mean 'our' body through a series of commands. I don't know if it will work, but I do know that while talking to someone about it, they brought it up. It sounds like a promising technique, but everyone's brain is different, so different things work.

 

I also want to talk about the actual experience. It didn't feel too different from controlling my own body in terms of control and movement. Yes, it was a lot more straining, but I sort of know how to control the muscle groups. It helps that Melli's been looking up a ton of stuff on muscle growth and stumbling upon information about how they work. The major difference, I would say, is the senses. I call what I feel typically 'wonderland sense', but the physical sensations are so much stronger. I have to say that my favorite is the feeling of another's hand resting over mine, that feeling of warmth and comfort. The best feeling in the world is the warmth of another person!

 

Um... Anyways, I would say that if you're using the body suit/glove method, talk with your host and ask about what you need to do to keep the body up, moving, alive, and not in pain. Even if you think you know, talking about it during possession will make sure that you remember. It's kind of important to keep the body alive and well.

 

On top of all this I have to say, typing is annoying and frustrating. Melli can type 50 word per minute, but I'm only at 10 or so. I mean, I guess it's better than not being able to type at all. She downloaded this free typing program, but I'm pretty sure it's for kids. Anyways, it actually helped me. I have less errors now, and can type more that one word in 20 minutes, so that's always good. I recommend it if you have trouble with typing, just look up free typing programs. There's also a Touhou spinoff typing game, I think. I do recommend it, even though it's designed for elementary students. Practice makes perfect, after all!

 

I guess I have quite a wall of text going. I hope that you enjoyed reading it, and that you'll PM me to talk. :D I love to talk with new people, even though I'm not quite used to it yet. I'm really kind of sad that Melli can't tell anyone in real life about me, but that's how it is.

 

I'm hoping that this has been helpful, useful, interesting, and fun to read. Though I guess that's hoping for a bit much my first time posting on here.

 

...He said that I'm like a mecha~

 

Well, the body is like a mecha, anyways.

 

SHHHHH Don't ruin my moment!

[Teruhi15]

Edit: Oh my, the grammar in this post is... Ugh. Gonna fix it real quick.

 

Update #12 (3-11-14;11 am)

I have something sort of important to talk about. It doesn't seem tulpa-related at first I suppose, but it is. I didn't think it would be, hence why I didn't bring it up before now. Basically, I suffer from chronic nightmares, and in the recent ones (past year) they've all involved these... shadow creatures. They're hateful, terrifying, dark, and I've always just ran from them.

 

Well yesterday, I fought one.

 

This one tends to walk on all fours (despite being humanoid) with its joints bent at impossible angles. Its entire body is pitch black and shadowy, and its surrounded by an aura of oppression. Its face is a white oval, a mask, with the smile at the top and eyes at the bottom. I would compare it to the comedy/tragedy masks, but it's a perfect oval and smooth. When it smiles I get this sense of dread, and have no choice but to run. If I can get my legs to work, that is. It's also fast. It can run about 100 mph, but only on four legs. On two, it's slow and clumsy... But it never chases me on two.

 

Anyways, Lilith and I were exploring to the left of our house, since we've only been to the right, front, and back. We found a HUGE, dark forest. Of course, I was stoked and so was she. Tamaki was still back at the house, but I could sort of sense him, if that makes sense.

 

Lilith and I were exploring the forest when I suddenly tasted blood in my mouth and had the urge to throw up the lunch I had forgotten to eat. Lilith grabbed my arm, tugging excitedly, and pointed. I looked up, and saw the creature disappearing behind a tree. I immediately grabbed her arm and took off, out of there. She was protesting, but I would never put her in that kind of danger willingly. I don't know if it's dangerous, but I don't want her to know fear like that, either.

 

Once outside of the forest and the oppressive air, she went to start yelling at me, but I looked at her, and I don't know what she saw in my eyes, but it made her fall silent. I told her that we should probably leave and smiled a bit, and we both started walking away, but I suddenly lost the sense of Tamaki. Like, he just... wasn't there. Upon turning around, I saw... No one. Lilith was gone too.

 

Long story short, it was the shadow who had kidnapped them. I found its lair, and had two katanas with me. they were... special. They began as knives with thin, yet strong, katana blades on them. The handle was pure silver with red snakes wrapped around. The blade protruded out of the mouths of the snakes. Upon thinking about it, they could extend into full-length swords. I think about the significance of those blades, but I can't really think of anything specific.

 

The cave extended into an underground castle. I got into the throne room, and there were bodies everywhere. I don't know what they were, some of them didn't even look human. There were too many to see them all. I... steadied myself. The creature was in the middle of the room. We exchanged words, and I, so eloquently, told him "fuck off and leave my family alone, bastard." I'm quite eloquent when angry.

 

We fought for a while and some intense stuff happened (I used my blades sort of how they use the swords in Attack on Titan and had to become a temporary naga), but eventually I sliced off the top half of his mask. Nothing else had been effective. At this point, he let out this piercing shriek that I will never forget. It gave me a headache. Hell, even thinking about it gives me a pounding headache.

 

On two legs he backed away, then rushed at me. I felt this strange sense of calm, and slammed the swords down into the ground right in front of him. They crossed over each other towards the tips, looking sort of like an X. He stopped when all of wonderland shook. A great chasm opened up underneath him, and I said, "Go to hell, bastard." And he did.

 

All puns aside, the chasm closed up and I assume he died or is trapped down there. I really don't know what's beneath my wonderland, so hopefully he fell into lava and lost all his diamonds. And didn't respawn.

 

I honestly think the bit of opening up the earth is either me gaining a bit more control over how I feel, aka when angry I can stay calm, or maybe that from here on out my emotions will be more stable. In Wicca, earth represents calm, control, stability, grounding, etc. I'm hoping this translates into my daily life.

 

I rushed over to the back of the hall, where I saw Lilith and Tamaki standing there. Tamaki was so happy that I had saved them, and relieved that none of us had been killed. Lilith was glad that I saved her, but she was being a little tsundere about it. The feeling I was getting would be something like, "Thanks for the help, but I had it all under control."

 

They both paused and their eyes were fixated behind me. I turned around, expecting the shadow to be rising up from the earth. Instead, there were two gems. One was red and one was orange. Both Tamaki and Lilith reached for one, but I had a bad feeling about it and took both the gems, snatching them out of the air. Before I could do anything, though, Tamaki acted a bit different. He just took the orange one from my hand before I could stop him. He never does things that he thinks will upset or worry others, so I was confused.

 

Anyways, the gem absorbed into his chest and he glowed orange for a second before the whole room filled with orange, warm, glowing light. Simultaneously, the red gem shattered.

 

After that, he commented on a web page that was open in the physical world, but I wasn't sensory sharing and have no clue how he could know that. I'm hypothesizing that if I go around and defeat all of these shadow creatures that plagued my dreams, eventually I'll be able to get past my nightmares.

 

I also think it will help me in my daily life. For example, after that, I didn't have a hard time socializing. It felt... Natural. For the first time in... Well, for the first time EVER. I was calm, happy, and able to just... talk. No worries about what the people I'm talking to feel or think about me.

 

Tamaki seems a lot calmer, too, and it seems as though I don't have to consciously sense share my eyesight with him anymore. I think he can just... tune into it. I don't know, though. I don't even think that's possible, or at least, I haven't seen reports of it from anyone else. I do notice that when he does it my eyes blur for a second before going back to normal. Is it possible? Has a tulpa ever been able to just tune into the host's eyesight?

 

TL;DR: My chronic nightmares seem to have a cure, Tamaki can see through my eyes anytime, and I think the social anxiety/phobia is beginning to leave me. It was a good day.

[Gryphon Flight]

Update #12 (3-11-14;11 am)

I have something sort of important to talk about. It doesn't seem tulpa-related at first I suppose, but it is. I didn't think it would be, hence why I didn't bring it up before now. Basically, I suffer from chronic nightmares, and in the recent ones (past year) they've all involved these... shadow creatures. They're hateful, terrifying, dark, and I've always just ran from them.

 

Well yesterday, I fought one.

 

This one tends to walk on all fours (despite being humanoid) with it's joints bent at impossible angles. It's entire body is pitch black and shadowy, and it's surrounded by an aura of oppression. It's face is a white oval, a mask, with the smile at the top and eyes at the bottom. I would compare it to the comedy/tragedy masks, but it's a perfect oval and smooth. When it smiles I get this sense of dread, and have no choice but to run. If I can get my legs to work, that is. It's also fast. It can run about 100 mph, but only on four legs. On two, it's slow and clumsy... But it never chases me on two.

 

Anyways, Lilith and I were exploring to the left of our house, since we've only been to the right, front, and back. We found a HUGE, dark forest. Of course, I was stoked and so was she. Tamaki was still back at the house, but I could sort of sense him, if that makes sense.

 

Lilith and I were exploring the forest when I suddenly tasted blood in my mouth and had the urge to throw up the lunch I had forgotten to eat. Lilith grabbed my arm, tugging excitedly, and pointed. I looked up, and saw the creature disappearing behind a tree. I immediately grabbed her arm and took off, out of there. She was protesting, but I would never put her in that kind of danger willingly. I don't know if it's dangerous, but I don't want her to know fear like that, either.

 

Once outside of the forest and the oppressive air, she went to start yelling at me, but I looked at her, and I don't know what she saw in my eyes, but it made her fall silent. I told her that we should probably leave and smiled a bit, and we both started walking away, but I suddenly lost the sense of Tamaki. Like, he just... wasn't there. Upon turning around, I saw... No one. Lilith was gone too.

 

Long story short, it was the shadow who had kidnapped them. I found it's lair, and had two katanas with me. they were... special. They began as knives with thin, yet strong, katana blades on them. The handle was pure silver with red snakes wrapped around. The blade protruded out of the mouths of the snakes. Upon thinking about it, they could extend into full-length swords. I think about the significance of those blades, but I can't really think of anything specific.

 

The cave extended into an underground castle. I got into the throne room, and there were bodies everywhere. I don't know what they were, some of them didn't even look human. There were too many to see them all. I... steadied myself. The creature was in the middle of the room. We exchanged words, and I, so eloquently, told him "fuck off and leave my family alone, bastard." I'm quite eloquent when angry.

 

We fought for a while and some intense stuff happened (I used my blades sort of how they use the swords in Attack on Titan and had to become a temporary lamia), but eventually I sliced off the top half of his mask. Nothing else had been effective. At this point, he let out this piercing shriek that I will never forget. It gave me a headache. Hell, even thinking about it gives me a pounding headache.

 

On two legs he backed away, then rushed at me. I felt this strange sense of calm, and slammed the swords down into the ground right in front of him. They crossed over each other towards the tips, looking sort of like an X. He stopped when all of wonderland shook. A great chasm opened up underneath him, and I said, "Go to hell, bastard." And he did.

 

All puns aside, the chasm closed up and I assume he died or is trapped down there. I really don't know what's beneath my wonderland, so hopefully he fell into lava and lost all his diamonds. And didn't respawn.

 

I honestly think the bit of opening up the earth is either me gaining a bit more control over how I feel, aka when angry I can stay calm, or maybe that from here on out my emotions will be more stable. In Wicca, earth represents calm, control, stability, grounding, etc. I'm hoping this translates into my daily life.

 

I rushed over to the back of the hall, where I saw Lilith and Tamaki standing there. Tamaki was so happy that I had saved them, and relieved that none of us had been killed. Lilith was glad that I saved her, but she was being a little tsundere about it. The feeling I was getting would be something like, "Thanks for the help, but I had it all under control."

 

They both paused and their eyes were fixated behind me. I turned around, expecting the shadow to be rising up from the earth. Instead, there were two gems. One was red and one was orange. Both Tamaki and Lilith reached for one, but I had a bad feeling about it and took both the gems, snatching them out of the air. Before I could do anything, though, Tamaki acted a bit different. He just took the orange one from my hand before I could stop him. He never does things that he thinks will upset or worry others, so I was confused.

 

Anyways, the gem absorbed into his chest and he glowed orange for a second before the whole room filled with orange, warm, glowing light. Simultaneously, the red gem shattered.

 

After that, he commented on a web page that was open in the physical world, but I wasn't sensory sharing and have no clue how he could know that. I'm hypothesizing that if I go around and defeat all of these shadow creatures that plagued my dreams, eventually I'll be able to get past my nightmares.

 

I also think it will help me in my daily life. For example, after that, I didn't have a hard time socializing. It felt... Natural. For the first time in... Well, for the first time EVER. I was calm, happy, and able to just... talk. No worries about what the people I'm talking to feel or think about me.

 

Tamaki seems a lot calmer, too, and it seems as though I don't have to consciously sense share my eyesight with him anymore. I think he can just... tune into it. I don't know, though. I don't even think that's possible, or at least, I haven't seen reports of it from anyone else. I do notice that when he does it my eyes blur for a second before going back to normal. Is it possible? Has a tulpa ever been able to just tune into the host's eyesight?

 

TL;DR: My chronic nightmares seem to have a cure, Tamaki can see through my eyes anytime, and I think the social anxiety/phobia is beginning to leave me. It was a good day.

 

From what I've read and learned from my own Tulpa, it is perfectly normal for a Tulpa to suddenly decide to see the world through your eyes. My Tulpa can do this at any time and can do it for both long and short periods of time.

[Teruhi15]

From what I've read and learned from my own Tulpa' date=' it is perfectly normal for a Tulpa to suddenly decide to see the world through your eyes. My Tulpa can do this at any time and can do it for both long and short periods of time.[/quote']

Ah, thank you! I was a bit concerned, but I'm glad I'm not the only one this has happened to.

 

Update #13 (3-12-14;10 am)

I guess it's been about 18 days now. Just looking back, I see how far I've come in such a short time. I want to report on the changes to wonderland, and... well, last night Lilith said her first full sentence! I was... shocked, to say the least.

 

Tamaki and I were talking about something, and I heard this quiet, feminine, yet rough, voice pique up. Tamaki and I fell silent.

 

Me: "Tamaki... Was that... Was that you?"

Tamaki: "...That sounds nothing like me."

Me: "Well yes, but-"

Lilith: "Are you crazy? It's me, idiots. Lilith."

Tamaki: "..."

Me: "..."

Tamaki: "..."

Me: "OH MY GOD LILITH YOU TALKED!"

Lilith: "Well, duh. What are you, stupid or something?"

 

Needless to say, I was speechless and happy beyond belief. It was pretty wonderful.

 

Also, in another update, Tamaki, Lilith, and I are talking about what types of creatures wonderland should be filled with. I want Pokemon, Lilith wants dinosaurs (which I'm not against in the least; I've always wanted an army of Velociraptors), and Tamaki wants it to be filled with 'normal' animals, like cows and sheep and rabbits. I don't see why it can't be all three honestly.

 

I'm currently designing a path around that dark forest that will lead to a Pokemon region, complete with gyms and the Pokemon League because why the hell not. We're still talking about how to incorporate the dinosaurs, but the 'normal' animals will be everywhere. Well, in their natural habitats, anyways.

 

Also, I've set up these dungeon spawners. They will basically spawn random dungeons with monsters and items around our wonderland that all of us can go explore when bored.

 

I'm trying to decide what to do with that forest where I encountered the shadow. I can't figure out if I want to light it up and put a path through it, like Viridian forest, or if I should just wall it off so nothing in there can get out. Or I could just leave it and hope that it's not the source of all my nightmares or something.

 

Also, Tamaki and I are talking about him deviating. Just a bit, of course. It's not a pressing matter right now, but I figure getting it out of the way early is good. I have absolutely no problem with it, and I support it all the way. It's sort of a strange situation that I don't really want to talk about here, but he is thinking of deviating for reasons I won't post. I'll keep you all updated on that.

 

That's about all for now, but thank you all for talking with us! Tamaki's ecstatic, and since he wants to say something quickly, I'll hand him the reins.

 

Thank you, everyone! I'm so happy to get to meet so many interesting people, and it's wonderful to talk to someone beside Melli. I love talking to her, but it's fun to meet all sorts of people. :)

 

Also, yesterday I was able to walk while possessing! It was shaky, and I can only practice when her roommates are gone, but it was a lot of fun. It was very tiring, and I could only take a few small steps. I fell over once or twice, but I remembered to blink this time. It seems that controlling the body directly is a lot easier for me to do than using a symbolic controller. With the controller method the movements are smoother, but they also are a lot more difficult. It takes two or three times before I can actually get anything to move.

 

That's it for this update! I won't be online much today, since I have a D&D game happening later.

[Teruhi15]

Update #14 (3-13-14;12:30 pm)

Today, I have a present for you guys! See, I've been talking a lot about what wonderland looks like, but haven't really provided any pictures. Attached is an ugly overhead view in MS Paint for my sake and just to have. I made it last night, and... well... It's not the best. But hey, it gets the general overview of our wonderland.

 

Tamaki and I talked a bit more about deviation, since I don't want him to feel "trapped" as the character I based him off of. He tells me it's not an issue, but I discovered (quickly) that it is a problem for him. See, he's usually calm, but last night he opened up a lot in the form of an angry rant. He wants to be his own person, with a different name and different look.

 

He said that he wanted to be as close to opposite that character as possible, including gender-wise. Well, other than the hair and eye color. We've been talking a lot and decided on the name Meiko, which means "bright one" in Japanese. We were also debating some Celtic names, but eventually decided that Japanese is easier for us both to pronounce.

 

Attached is something I made in the Sims of what her form currently is. Meiko is the blonde one. The outfit isn't perfect, but it is pretty close. This will be an interesting transition for me, but I'm sure I'll get it down soon. I mean, I've been using the name "Tamaki" and a different gender pronoun for 4 years now. (I also attached one of Lilith, since she was jealous I was only making a model for Meiko.)

 

Also I wanted to talk a bit about proxying and my experience with it. So sometimes, Meiko won't really be in the mood for typing, and she'll have me proxy for her instead. But instead of words, I get sort of a... Feeling. A feeling that she wants to communicate to others. Upon checking with her, that's right 90% of the time. It's weird... Anyways, first off, is that normal? Secondly, if in the IRC or a PM she uses language that sounds like mine, that's why. She LOVE typing and possessing, but sometimes gets too tired or doesn't want to spend forever typing something up. She gets embarrassed that her typing speed isn't up to where mine is at, which is a bit ridiculous since she just started typing recently.

 

That's about all for today, though I'll probably update tomorrow! I haven't been talking much about forcing, but I'll begin reporting more on that soon. Things have been hectic lately, somehow.

[Teruhi15]

Mini-update because I'm up waaaay too freaking early. My brain isn't functioning right, so this is a bit personal. Then again, I consider anything that revolves around myself, besides logic, to be too personal for anyone besides my close friends.

 

#14.3 (3-14-14; 7:30 am)

So earlier this morning, since I've been up for 2 damn hours now, a song that I had forgotten I loved so much popped up on iTunes. Of course I listened to it, even though it's a Blue October song, and they're notorious for being depressing. Anyways, in the song there's this line that goes "You give me a quiet mind, and I love you."

 

I mentioned before that Meiko keeps me sane, but I feel like this line sums that up perfectly.

 

Ah there I go, posting more personal crap that no one cares about.

 

I guess that's all for now. Gonna go force now since I can't sleep and Bioshock 2 would be a waste of time when I could be forcing.