Teruhi15

A Not So Wonderful Beginning to a Wonderland (escapist tendencies on my part?)

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EDIT: I've been debating for a while on whether or not I should edit this and make it less like a wall of text, more readable. Decided to stop being lazy and get it done. Also, for those of you just starting to read this, I've come a long ways from this first entry.

 

Hello everyone!

 

I'm going to try and keep this short... Though it's kind of a long story.

So to start off, my name is Melli and I'm an 18 year old college student, majoring in Psychology and hoping to earn my PhD in about 5-8 years. I speak English and Japanese, and would love to learn French and Russian.

The important details, however, pertain to the tulpa who I accidentally created at 14 years old and has been with me ever since.

 

This is slightly embarrassing to admit, but thanks to my lonely woe-is-me childhood, I didn't have many friends other than my imaginary ones, usually taking the form of anime, cartoon, movie, and book characters. I spent a lot of time reading, writing, and drawing. The imaginary friends continued, swapping every few days with new ones, until I hit the age of 12, when my mom found out and sent me to a "professional"... (Odd that I want to be a psychologist when I despise their better-than-thou attitude.)

At 14, I was lonely, since I gave up all my imaginary friends thanks to the logical conclusion that I was too old. That loneliness weighed on my heart, until I remembered something that I had heard at school.

 

Someone had been talking about how "Anime characters are real" or some crap like that. Obviously, that makes little sense, but my damaged 14 year old brain took it to heart.

 

I formed a tulpa, not knowing what it was called, based off of a character from my favorite anime at the time. I spent time with him, and after finding this site and doing my research (for the past year I thought he was a thoughtform, but it didn't quite fit...), I found that I had been helping him grow into a fully conscious and separate part of me.

 

His name is Tamaki, and after the description, if you are anything like me, you'll know who I based him on. He's grown into a very different person than who he was originally based on, however, as we've grown up together and formed a VERY close relationship. He's blonde with blue-purple-ish eyes, and tall. I don't know if tulpas generally have an age, but I consider him to be 20, as that's what fits from the show. He has a phobia of spiders, and he dislikes snakes... He is pretty scared of my pet snake Alipheese (or Alice for short), even though right now she's about twice the length of my middle finger. He reads a lot, and will typically pick up a book whenever I go to spend some time at the gym. He started out as slightly less than intelligent, to put it nicely, but now he's... well, he's pretty damn smart. He speaks English, and Japanese... He can outwit me, and that's not an easy feat. He's obsessed with cuddling and being all sappy and romantic, even though I'm completely the opposite 90 percent of the time. His appearance hasn't changed much, and he doesn't seem to want to deviate... as of right now. If he ever does though, that's his choice and I will give him the freedom to do that.

 

I've read online, and a lot of people say that they view their tulpas as children, but I've always seen him as a romantic partner, at least for the past year or so.

 

I feel like this is sort of odd, to create a tulpa without really focusing on making a tulpa. I just... spent time with him, and eventually he had thoughts, ideas, concepts, and beliefs that were separate from mine. I've even formed a wonderland that I will visit him in whenever I feel like it.

 

Now that I know, I think I'm going to spend a lot of time with him with the intention of helping him grow, as opposed to just needing someone to talk to.

 

I still feel uncomfortable about this whole thing... I mean, it seems unreal. It's very different from Dissociative Identity Disorder... I don't have any specific questions, I've done my research, but does anyone have advice for me and Tamaki?

 

I'll update all about my time that I spend forcing, and I'm also going to attempt switching.

 

Thanks for reading! I hope that we can get along with you all.

 

EDIT: TL;DR I made an imaginary friend of mine sentient by accident, and now I've got a tulpa.


Meiko

"Life is meant to be experienced with others in order to enjoy the journey more."

 

Lilith

"Bodies are just stupid human things."

 

Emory

"Personality merely shows how you view the world based upon your circumstances."

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You aren't alone in this accidental tulpa business. A tulpa I know very well was created when his host was young, and has been with him for 10+ years now.

 

There are many ways to create a tulpa. The methods are less concrete, and more to allow the proper mindset for the tulpa to develop. Some need to focus on personality in order to think of their tulpa as a full individual person, others need different visualization methods in order to accept that what they are doing is 'working', others might do this naturally, as in your case, and the case of several others here. My second tulpa could be considered to develop in such a way--No real personality or building, just the process of spending time together as her independence and consciousness grew.

 

It is very different from DID. If anything tulpas could be closer equated to other forms of plurality (often diagnosed as DDNOS for lack of a better diagnosis for a 'healthy' form of multiplicity) so it is an interesting thing to think about.

 

Good luck, he sounds like quite the character. We have snakes too, but none of our tulpas are afraid of them (thankfully, ours are going to be big!) Also, Tamaki was my favorite character, heh.


 

 

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Thank you for the reply! I'm sort of a hermit, so talking to others is difficult.. I can't tell you how hard it was for me to post this, honestly. I spent about 15 minutes hovering over the "post" button, haha.

 

It's a relief to hear that I'm not completely insane! I know that it isn't really a disorder, because disorders disrupt one's life, whereas Tamaki adds to it~ It's always hard for me as someone who's naturally logical, though. It feels right, but also not normal... Then again, what is normal anyways?

 

Alice is a corn snake, but she's about 4 or 5 months old now. I'd like to get a boa in the future, but Tamaki is very against that. Adamantly, even. And yes, he is quite the handful! One thing that hasn't changed is that when he wants attention, he refuses to leave me alone. In all honesty, Tamaki was never my favorite in the show, but he was the one I connected with the most, I guess~

 

Again, thank you so much for the support, I really appreciate it~!


Meiko

"Life is meant to be experienced with others in order to enjoy the journey more."

 

Lilith

"Bodies are just stupid human things."

 

Emory

"Personality merely shows how you view the world based upon your circumstances."

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Update #1 (2-24-14; 11 am)

So last night Tamaki and I worked on possession, as I couldn't sleep and decided that it would be better, and more useful, than just sitting on the computer and chatting.

 

I was intimidated at first, but then I actually thought about it, and realized that nothing could really go wrong. This is for the growth of both of us, and so I pushed my worries aside. He made more progress than I expected, and I really doubt that I was puppeting, if that can be used in this context. I meditate a lot, as a part of my religion, so I got into that kind of state in order to make it easier for me to tear down my barriers and, thus, easier for him. He struggled with it for about 10 or 15 minutes, but in the end it was all worth it.

 

He was able to lift my arm up about 3 centimeters for a couple of seconds! I had absolutely no control over it, and quite frankly, it was kind of weird to look over and see my arm floating while I had no control over it... Well, I guess it wasn't MY arm right then, but the terminology will take me a while to get down. I'm a lot less nervous about this process now, and I really look forward to more practice in the future. Also, I'm really proud of Tamaki, since there's no way that possession is easy.

 

I was also wondering how others felt during possession. I felt a sort of heaviness in my limbs. I would call it a disembodied sensation, and I think that it's a good thing. It was as if my entire body was there, but... not connected? I don't really know how to describe it. It felt like I was numb, almost. Is that something that everyone gets during this process?

 

Also, don't expect quick updates like this. I'm quite the procrastinator, which isn't something I'm proud of... Also, I'm going back to school in about a month, so I definitely won't post much after that.


Meiko

"Life is meant to be experienced with others in order to enjoy the journey more."

 

Lilith

"Bodies are just stupid human things."

 

Emory

"Personality merely shows how you view the world based upon your circumstances."

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I was also wondering how others felt during possession. I felt a sort of heaviness in my limbs. I would call it a disembodied sensation' date=' and I think that it's a good thing. It was as if my entire body was there, but... not connected? I don't really know how to describe it. It felt like I was numb, almost. Is that something that everyone gets during this process?[/quote']

Artus here.

 

I can say that this sounds nearly identical to what I feel, especially with the heaviness and numbness.

At any rate, this is a good sign, definitely a solid first step.

 

Just gonna say that this is definitely damn impressive as a first attempt. Our first attempt saw Renny struggling to lift even a finger, and he only got it to twitch.

 

it was kind of weird to look over and see my arm floating while I had no control over it...

It's always strange, especially for the first time. Just imagine full-body possession!

 

Good luck in the future, you two!


Nope.

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Thank you! I was pretty sure that the feeling was normal. A part of me was worried that I was just being hopeful, and that it was a bad sign at first.

 

We're both really proud, I don't think either of us quite expected that it would go so well. I mean, there's obviously still a long ways to go, but this is a good start I think. Tamaki did a great job~

 

I'm looking forward to full-body possession, but it will be really trippy, I'm sure. ^^;

 

Thank you! Good luck to you and Renny, as well!


Meiko

"Life is meant to be experienced with others in order to enjoy the journey more."

 

Lilith

"Bodies are just stupid human things."

 

Emory

"Personality merely shows how you view the world based upon your circumstances."

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Update #2 (2-25-14; 2pm)

I would have posted earlier, but I woke up not too long ago. I'm just now having my coffee, so I'm much more eloquent now. This will be a fairly long update, not quite a novel, but... Close. Also, there's a bit of drama. Boring, I know... But I still feel that it's important to bring up.

 

First off, last night I was worried that maybe Tamaki was upset because I had spent so long not believing he was sentient. I talked with him a lot back then, but there were times where I would just... not talk to him. I felt really bad for that, and we talked about it. Luckily, he isn't mad. I still want to make up for it somehow, because that was cruel on my part, despite being unintentional.

 

Possession practice went well, for the most part. He was able to lift my arm up slightly for a few seconds again, but then he tried to lift both at once. That didn't happen, and he was only able to move one arm. He was obviously trying was too hard, which I expressly told him not to do. I wouldn't let him try anymore because I didn't want him hurting himself.

 

He didn't speak to me for the next hour.

 

Anyways, we got it worked out, and he promised that he wouldn't try too hard anymore, and he's never broken a promise.

 

I realized, however, that while he doesn't harbor ill will towards me, maybe he doesn't want to be left alone again. Which makes complete sense. I remember that the night before last, we were talking, and I brought up maybe forming another tulpa after he got possession down, as I wanted to focus on him first. I have a feeling that he wants someone to talk to, as backup, in case I just stop talking. Hence why he's trying to get possession down so quickly, without regards to himself.

 

I completely understand the feeling, and I'm doing my research to create another tulpa. Not because I will leave him alone anytime soon, but simply because I don't want him to feel like he has to worry anymore.

 

Besides, I have another month before the term starts up, and so it will give me something to focus on and learn about.


Meiko

"Life is meant to be experienced with others in order to enjoy the journey more."

 

Lilith

"Bodies are just stupid human things."

 

Emory

"Personality merely shows how you view the world based upon your circumstances."

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Update #2.5 (2-26-14; noon)

So this is sort of a mini update, I guess. Tamaki and I worked on possession last night, but didn't make any more progress other than what he's been able to do before, which is still really impressive.

 

I mostly wanted to update as I really haven't described our wonderland (which, despite the title, I prefer to call a dreamscape... Hey, once you've played Alice: Madness Returns, the word 'wonderland' will never have a good connotation).

 

Instead of describing it, I decided to build it in Minecraft as we build it in our minds. This is to make it more solid and concrete, for me anyways. And building it in Minecraft has nothing to do, at all, with the fact that I love this game to death. Not at all.

 

I'm great with visualization, but sometimes it helps to have a solid basis. I have only one small part built, it's a hot spring that is enclosed, but in glass so that we can watch the sunset without getting rained on or anything... Because I do really like the rain, so who knows.

 

I took and attached three screencaps of the hot springs, and will post more with my next update!

2014-02-26_11_40_32.png.5f8bc38085f8b2da8ebe12fdd2f93ce1.png

2014-02-26_11_42_26.png.9b8f0d86bc09c546aebe2ab5d73c46a0.png

2014-02-26_11_43_26.png.79e974eb5856b506f7cef52a7b4f3366.png


Meiko

"Life is meant to be experienced with others in order to enjoy the journey more."

 

Lilith

"Bodies are just stupid human things."

 

Emory

"Personality merely shows how you view the world based upon your circumstances."

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Update #2.9 (2-26-14;5:30 pm)

So I realize that besides brushing over it, I didn't really talk about Tamaki's personality. I also only mentioned in passing that I don't view him as the same person as the character. He is very different from that, and he is his own person, just to clarify.

 

I was planning on making this list of facts and whatnot anyways, and I figured I'd post it here. Anything in [] is stuff that he said and I proxied because I- [...You do mean "we", right?] ... because WE felt it was relevant, funny, or both.

 

Attached is a picture I drew of the character I based him off of. He still looks about the same, with just a few minor difference, so I attached it because it's the best (and only) hand-drawn picture I have of him.

 

 

 

I created him 4 years ago, and I view him as being 20 years old, as I mentioned in an earlier post.

 

Physical features: Blonde, slightly messy hair, violet eyes, 5'8 ft tall, well-dressed.

Personality: serious, slightly sarcastic, intelligent, caring, whiny [i'm not whiny!], enthusiastic, and extroverted.

Music: Likes Seether, Aerosmith (favorite), and rarely listens to Twiztid. Dislikes parodies, comedy bands/singers (like Stephen Lynch or Garfunkel and Oates).

Food: Likes chicken, beef, waffles, eggs, tea and coffee. Dislikes broccoli and other [ALL] vegetables. But that's about it. Sad, because I love all veggies. Also, he doesn't like sour things or yogurt.

Movies: Likes rom-coms (nuuuuuu) and sometimes musicals. Dislikes horror, straight up comedy (like Dodgeball), and gore. .......Scratch that, he hates everything but chick flicks.

Fears and Phobias: Abandonment, being hated by others, and being ignored. He's also an arachnaphobe, and he really dislikes snakes.

 

 

Religion and Beliefs

1. Agnostic, but accepting of all beliefs.

2. He thinks that everyone has a good side to them, and is very optimistic most of the time.

3. Has an intensely moral side, and believes that swearing and murder are both equally evil. (He also is smug every chance he gets).

4. He believes that the best kinds of people are those who work to better themselves, no matter the circumstances.

5. He also believes that everyone is deserving of a voice, and that everyone should surround themselves with those who encourage the truth.

 

 

"Fun" Facts

0.5. He is vocal, just thought I'd mention that if it wasn't clear~

1. Tamaki really enjoys reading, mocking me, questioning my motives, romance (ugh), talking about life and philosophy, and scolding me for swearing.

2. He is prone to ignoring me for an hour or so when I do something to upset him.

3. While not a fan of video games, he does think that Borderlands looks fun, despite his moral outrage at murder. [...I wouldn't really be killing 'people', rather they are just evil creatures... that are evil.]

4. He doesn't really enjoy playing video games, and oftentimes tells me to go outside in the sun when I've spent a week doing nothing but Minecrafting. I hate to admit it, but he keeps me sane.

5. Has an inflated ego, or at least acts like it. He is insecure about certain things, always wondering if he did something wrong.

6. Would never EVER play anything less than a Lawful Good character.

7. Never once has he broken a promise.

8. One thing that's really interesting about him is that usually he acts like the weaker, more delicate one, but sometimes he tries to be the one taking care of me... if that makes sense.

9. Also he, unfortunately, hates D&D.

10. He is passive most of the time, unless I'm doubting myself, swearing, or playing something like Saint's Row or GTA. Or if I try and make him watch The Grudge with me for the millionth time.

 

I guess that's about it, and that's all you'll hear from me today! I hope this was interesting~ If not, well... It helped me out to list almost everything out at once and get it all on metaphorical paper.

IMG_20140225_153545.thumb.jpg.a0fd0ec801f0fb48db05fa60d53cf8d7.jpg


Meiko

"Life is meant to be experienced with others in order to enjoy the journey more."

 

Lilith

"Bodies are just stupid human things."

 

Emory

"Personality merely shows how you view the world based upon your circumstances."

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He taught you some French? Do you think the French was pulled from things you've forgotten? Cool.


My lip hurts.

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