Slip Slip's logbook of his journey towards his other half that was always with him

[Slip Slip]

Procrastinating for...since the end of January...for 5 months! Five months! I'm way to careful. I need to take this weight off my chest, or else it will affect the departure. This is a prologue. Intro, yeah! Short cover of previous part of book, all episodes condensed into five minutes! Ta-da!

I learned about tulpae (or tulpas? Can't really decide, both words taste good for my non-english-native tongue) around the end of January in a thread on /jp/. Spontaneously stumbling upon a concept that was like a godsend. The day was awfull, but all that was connected to the thing that made it painful doesn't matter now. I accepted this amazing idea right off the bat, I'm not doubting it in any way. A companion that is always near, that will listen to me and support me anytime, just what is needed for a singular person like me. I have Mom, relatives, friends, I have a Best Friend whom I can trust with anything, but I can't bother him or them any single minute. The monologues just come and go, events happen, and I need time to give exposition on things to them and only then I can begin retelling the main part. And when I have time for a conversation, most of the time events are just not really worth distracting people for. And for the most part I stay in the company of myself. But how I wished for someone to always be there to listen and talk back... I talk out loud in the air to unseen spectators all the time like I'm in a sitcom.

And then I met with that thread.

I quickly decided on the form. Or did the form surfaced on itself from all the characters that I know? Well, I have one criteria that certainly helped - I have a lot of clogged up brotherly and fatherly feelings. So I needed a character that I can call a sister and not waifu. Also, a critical thing, the look that will not have a lot of personality and characterisation attached to it. So I can be assured that it's not a fad of me, that after some time I will not waver, for favorites can change. And it will be bad if such thing would happen. What will she feel if I see her, but there is a hint of dislike for character that is her visual's origin present? We don't need such shit. My procrastination did give me one good thing - the feelings for look have not changed. After four and a half months of the idea in my mind I'm still assured in whom I want to see beside me.

And that one character, one peculiar look was chosen. I only took the form. The personality is completely mine. Despite taking only body, I still feel warmth towards that character. A good start-up feeling, a root I have.

I started somewhere around midst of February. Up until that time I was collecting info and incubating the decision to begin. But I met with some hurdles in real life, that ended only in the beginning of June. In the beginning of April I stopped my progress. I still had to little info. I met information about characterisation ( more certain, not simply "think about what you want it to be" like in earier guides) only in the end of April, but couldn't find a proper way to begin. How to characterise? That was a black spot for me back then. And it stopped everything up until now. Around a week ago I found what I needed (once again, good thing I postponed everything - if I began with a lack of info I would've met with unsatisfying results. It's just my style, I can't begin such an important project with critical lack of knowledge, learning on my own mistakes as I go) and only needed a push. And once again /jp/ helps me. Good old board. Now with a post containing a good advice - start a blog here and post your steps every day. A good motivator it is, a need to underline each day's progress in here. I have everything I need.

I begin.

Tomorrow I will start by writing down a table of Big Five personality factors. I chose all traits way back in the first days of May. Also there is one thing I have tried long ago, in the start, in March if I'm right. Before the character I needed a feel. And that feel was Warm. To visualise a sphere, an essense so to say. And concentrate on feeling in my chest that is this sphere. I concentrated on Love and Warmth and after some time felt immense feel. The warmth and happiness overfilled me.

Since I'm starting once again from the beginning I will once again start from a Core.

 

What a long post. That was good, I sorted everything out in front of me. I have all the tools prepared and guides read, I have motivation and I have a blog to report to so I stay in line. Tomorrow this post may make me nauseous with how dumbly it may be written, but I must make myself not care.

 

Invigorating music - start! Departure on!

[Pronas]

Make a touhou.

[ThatOneGuy]

Skimmed the wall of text. I see that you're using the Big Five traits thing. Good man. Everything seems solid at this point.

[Slip Slip]

Baby steps sugar, baby steps. And I did them.

Analyzed what I already have and prepared myself by spending a day outside and also finishing my work. It came out good and that gave me nice emotions. Now I'm happy yet calm, and not nervous or upset. A clean canvas.

I could've skipped today's report, but skipping on the second day is just too much.

[Slip Slip]

Deciding and writing down all the character traits (well, the basic 47) was easy. But working with five big personality traits is like simultaneously pressing and stretching brain. "What do you want her to be?" "Well I want the best one for me" "Then point it out in each trait and she will act like that" "But not each situation is equal!"

Of course I want to just pile it up and let my subconsciousness sort it out and merge them together. But I can't slack off like that. I'm not such kind of a person, I need to make it all organised to a certain extent (I'll do my best with what I understand, the rest is up to her), or else my weakness will haunt me further on.

Okay, the deadline is in two days. I need to understand everything on paper by then, or else we will never move.

Meanwhile - the Core.

I wonder if programming and coding is like that? Writing out each possible way of action and response, and making algorythms for situations not included so programm will adapt?

[Slip Slip]

Worked on the Core today. I concentrated on giving it my energy and emotions that were fueled by my favourite music. I specifically chose two tracks that rise powerful emotions in me, yet the compositions themselves don't break my concentration and I continue to abstract myself from surroundings and stay air-headed(It's not exactly meditation, but I did enter a lesser state before I began). It was only for half an hour and didn't work exactly as I planned, I didn't get the surge as powerful as I wanted. Yet when I ended the session (since I was interrupted and it broke my concentration) I felt tired. There was unpleasant feeling in my chest, maybe because I was straining my chest to channel the emotions into the sphere that I tried to envision. The eyes felt strained too. I will take it as signs of moving in the right direction, despite not really being sure that I succeeded in my task. For a beginner it's hard to sit on one place for more than half an hour, despite that it only time that's needed to enter the really deep calm. But I'm doing my best to improve. If I force myself too hard I'll get that itch to stop and move around and these emotions will mix into my work.

It's hard to envision something on purpose. When I simply daydream it's so easy and colourful, yet when I try to understand how exactly I see things with eyes closed the visions just fade away. I need to stay in border when I see what I want yet don't try too hard or else I will only see backs of my eyelids, filled with coloured blobs from light coming through them.

[Slip Slip]

Another day - another step. Let's just hope tomorrow will bring us one step further.

[Slip Slip]

While walking to the park on the cliffs where I wanted to meditate, or at least find relaxing surroundings, I decided to organize steps I will pass one by one in my head. It's easier for me to immerse myself into new task when I create a clear understanding or a plan. First I work on the Center. I decided to focus my emotions and energy as a base for my tulpa. Since it's easier to do something while having an image, I visualize myself levitating a sphere between my hands (like when you 'cast a fireball') and focusing my power into it, while charging my emotions and energy into it in reality.

When I get the Center, I will work on the Core. I will try to feel how it feels to be around my tulpa, her general 'charge', how is it to be near her, how does it feel, what I feel being nearby. As guides rightfully suggest. And only then moving to Personality and Character. Developing a spirit before getting to consciousness.

It took approximately 20 minutes to get calmed enough to start. After 7 minutes (the length of song I decided to use to raise certain feelings in me that I would channel. That way I'm more sure I give energy) I decided that it became too noisy around me. Besides, it's easier for me to concentrate while walking. My body need movement and walking also clears my mind. I daydream while strolling all the time. I guess it is the way it works for me, and I find it acceptable on this stage of development. So I took a walk and after ~forty minutes decided to stop for today. Adding to last session's ~fifteen it makes an hour into forcing the Center, not counting the time it takes to get into proper state.

All the time today I was visualizing my hands (in black fingerless gloves, it's easier to imagine - no need to try and pay attention to my palms with their small forms) forcing a ball or sphere between them, while channeling my energy and emotions into it. All the time despite listening to appropriate music to raise feelings I kept my hands in my mind, no drifting away to views of playing it on stage (good music provokes it all the time). But allegorical ways to channel energy changed as I progressed. At first it was a ball, something like model of atom you see in books, then it developed into a sphere, and then I imagined a stream of light or something coming out of my chest into the sphere. After a while the stream became thin on the end, just like a thread of wool that I winded on the sphere. I did feel that it was not simply a daydream. I think I managed to achieve something with the help of this visualization. After I decided to stop for today I told her that we will continue tomorrow.

[Slip Slip]

Headache, I welcome you.

After getting into proper state I started giving my energy to the Center. This time I tried to get into centered state (I read about it here the day before yesterday) while walking. I realised that I'm in this state almost all the time and have to actually force myself to think. Literally talking in my head, analyzing step by step. But I do this only when I work, and if I do I get really good results, sorting everything out and moving towards progress. Usually I don't think, the thoughts or answer just float into my head, or I act according to my mantuition. Like I'm in battery charge saving mode all the time. So I thought that getting more serene will be possible even while walking.

I shared my energy for around 20 minutes, and then stopped. I wasn't really feeling as I gave off something by the end, and it was noisy outside. I just couldn't ignore people. So for the remaining time I tried to make myself get a tactile emotion from the Center. To feel how it would feel to be around her, like when you are near your friend. I tried to keep peaceful and calm feeling while reminding myself that that's how it feels to be around her. I think I just used too much 'feel' words. I also asked her if she percieves it, and that it's result of her being near. Of course I wasn't expecting answer.

And when I got home I got a sweet headache. And it surfaced again now. Partially it must be the fault of me being on open sun and heat all day, but I also want to believe that it shows some progress.

Tomorrow I will try and give her emotions, one by one. At least part of what normal human can experience, since I can't cover everything. And also I don't want to. I still have little understanding how to do it, and I want to see her progress on her own. See her own development, meet the surpise. That's why I won't give her hobbies and just several crucial likes and dislikes when I get to that point.

[Slip Slip]

I'm talking aloud all the time, but now I direct my speech to her. I try to make myself really talk to her, and not simply in air. I think I'm gradually getting the hang of it. For several months I felt this feeling like I'm on TV and this whole thing is just a sitcom and I'm part of the cast. And all my monologues were heard by and addressed to audience. So I have good experience of talking to unseen spectators. Now I just have to talk to one, but real listener.