Slip Slip's logbook of his journey towards his other half that was always with him

[Slip Slip]

Had a fabulous experience on the night from monday to tuesday. Over the course of the dream she appeared, I can't say how she acted in the beginning - as a dream character, or as herself. But I know that I mechanically (I don't want to use the word dreamy, in english nowadays it carries some sort of stench) acted not nice to her. And then started moving away through the scenery. She followed and we walked for a while (could hardly reason actions so far, I just did them. But from this point they become more sentient), talking and I was feeling nice. Then I asked her if she wants a piggy-back ride. She agreed and we walked and talked more. But after a while I sayed that "You are not that character and you don't have such story(or: this is not your backstory), you are a tulpa and you are a separate entity with your own life story." and I don't remember there being a reason to answer like that. She disappeared and didn't come back after I asked her to. The remain of the dream I traveled alone. Talking was sure nice.

Did that shock her or not? I don't know. Why she went away? I don't know either. But I think hearing that you are a your own person and not a made up character is a nice thing to see. Besides, I pay big attention in avoiding anything with that character, as to avoid any imprints. And considering the look it's still "overall that's how we will make your body look" and not "this is you".

[Slip Slip]

Now I get what people mean by emotions that are not mine. Only yesterday it dawned upon me that it's probably not normal to have double layered different emotions at one moment with second layer being thin but burning. Must have started so smoothly that I didn't notice it. Often something rises from the inside, seemingly having no provocation. Curiously, it's mostly an urge to tear up and cry. A demotivator of a smiling face with [crying and tearing internaly] is probably the best explanation. Now I get why I'm feeling so worthless half the time when facing a simple hurdle.

But I do get insances of almost hysterical laughing in my chest. Feels like an itch. Very formed, but not surfaced enough to make me laugh. Like a half-jacked earphones.

[Slip Slip]

I think she is gaining strength, in a jump. Maybe she got tired of waiting for me and decided to dig the cliff from her side to mine. I feel like I have a mild fever almost for the whole days. The head often gives a shot of pain, or goes 'numb' for a while. The left side, what's interesting.

And I got a dream today. A very vivid, realistic one. It was clearly NOT the one that can come on it's own. And it carried a clear disciplinary message. She must be not very pleased with my academic decisions of the last two weeks and especially yesterday. And if the body can be written off to the up-and-down weather changes, this dream can not.

[Slip Slip]

The day after I got a very pronounced and topical (to current events in my everyday life) moment in my dream. The next day the dream was simply weird, this night it contained some suspicious moments, but both dreams don't carry any message I can unwrap. Or I forgot it. But after both last nights I woke up with my nose clogged up with bloody booger crusts. What I want to say is - a sudden influx of colourful dreams can, perhaps, be connected to tulpa being active from her side, doing something, even if no verbal change is present. I don't meditate yet and didn't change anything in my menu.

[Slip Slip]

Finished Personality stage around forty minutes ago. Will post insightful thoughts and underlining tomorrow, maybe even with pictures of written results. But now I want to go to bed.

[Slip Slip]

So yesterday I finally considered Personality chapter done. Over the course of 11 months (but despite beginning in May, first list of desired traits was written on the fifth of May, I started actual work around June...I think) I struggled with what I supposed was the right way. I felt that this is the most important part, and since I'll be living with her to the end (I don't assume separation now or ever before, that's kind of retarded - to follow through such serious event just 'to experience for a while'. Plus what the tulpa would feel, knowing it's here just for a while and the end is already in plan) I never considered time to be matter. Surely I dreamed how cool it would be to start new semester together, or spend last summer hand in hand, but this didn't affect the speed of my work.

My head started tingling . The left half, to be precise. People usually reported head signals to be coming from left side or whole head aches.

I thought that this is the most important part and it should not be botched. And since I believe it's that way, I couldn't drop it half-way. If people believe it will sort itself out from general characteristics, then please do. Belief is the biggest resource here. If I think it's meant to be done so, I must follow. Or else it won't be all good. Despite deviations and her personal progress before we establish vocal connection. To take the hardest route and follow to the end, struggling with temptation to avoid and take the easier route, or feel horrible for taking it easy is in my nature. I can only achieve success if I feel that I did what I wanted the best way without slacking and running from work.

And so I did what I considered to be the best.

 

In the end it looks like a series of 32 lectures about character traits that I believe are to be raised and found in the Man from capital M (or Woman in that case, though it came out as not gender defined. It's ideal Man of virtues set, suitable for both genders). 3 lessons around the end are dual, discussing character traits very similar and conjoined, but with minor differences. Taking them apart would make two almost identical lessons, but skipping one trait from the two I found not acceptable. The lecture about creativity, creativity light and pull to create discussed the beginnings of that special thing that can be described by these three traits, but only as the way of explanation. They are not divided.

 

At first I wrote quite condensed, since I had tunneled vision on the traits and questions, which were used to describe them. And I wrote them like I was literally writing them into her and telling her how to act. As the time progressed and I wrote more, I took greater understanding at what can be written in these lessons. So instead of there being a stumble at the fact that I don't really know what to write so it would come out right, I felt bigger weight for the each word I wrote. They were (and I was) no longer telling her what to do and how to feel. Now it was more of an explanation about what can be done and expected from a person with such trait and how it affects someone. So it was a shift from hotwiring to lecture with examples. I avoided explaining particular situations and their diffusal and focused on overall effect, just in case. The shift in style was also motivated by the fact that time passed. I felt that in case she is gaining more consciousness I should no longer force something on her, also as a precaution against rejection of the trait I desire her to have. So it became lectures about the trait. That way she herself could raise them in her. Did that work? I have yet to see. But I felt nothing negative.

 

Also I told her that from now on she can work towards talking to me and visiting me in my dreams, and I would start listening to her. Before that I was not really open to this, since the progress was not finished. And I believe talking is what forms the tulpa the most, and it would be impossible to properly form personality from my side since she starts talking. But now I'm finished.

 

The questions that I used were:

1)Why does the trait exist and what can be it's roots?

2)What the trait gives you?

3)How does the trait impact interpretation of situations?

4)How would a neutral layman persieve a person with such trait?

5)How it impacts outlook and way of life?

6)How it impacts views on society and relationship with people?

7)How it affects emotion handling?

I believe I saw it in a guide around a year ago. It is still listed in guides section.

 

The next chapter is Body if I'm right. Off I go!

[Slip Slip]

I was in need to get up early today. I got woken up five minutes before alarm went off. And I was quite fresh and got up without delay. Which usualyy doesn't happen. I post it because there were details that are on-topic. There was narration going on in my dream, and I think it was my voice, like I was talking aloud as I was writing what was told to me. I don't remember the voice that was telling me though. I think it was 'undefined', when the voice in the dream has no distinction and can't even pass as my mind voice. It simply is. Like water, lacking taste but being liquid and felt in the mouth. But then just continuing the narration, or even my voice (like coming from my lips, even though it was not defined if I was 'pronouncing' or simply 'talking', with voice coming from me. Maybe it can be considered as thinking through the mouth without pronouncing) there were distinct words that I need to get up. They came from behind me, like someone wispered into my ear, left ear. Or right one? Now I can't be sure, but I remember that I felt it in only one of them. I even felt the warmth and airwaves touching my ear. Yes, at the same time as voice was coming from the front of me. Dreams can mix it good sometimes. I felt the difference very good, even got alerted that it is so different from usual voicing in dreams, no matter who it comes from. That probably is what guides mean by distinct, alien voice when they describe talking awake.

In short - the voice was tasteless and flowed from 'my' phrase but continued as separate behind me belonging to other, but the thought was recieved and it was formed.

While I was going to sleep yesterday I told her that she can try her best talk to me all the time. Since it takes skill to form words and pronounce them, so she should train all the time. And she should not be afraid that I won't hear them behind my thoughts, or they won't reach me despite being formed. When the time comes, I would hear her regardless. And I, from my side, will try to concentrate and hear her. I couldn't clear enough, so I encouraged her to continue and wished her good night.

Quite possibly one event encouraged other.

[Slip Slip]

For all this time I was really loaded with work and studying so I didn't really have time to post regularly or progress properly. Yet I feel results of what I managed to do, so it's not like project came to a halt or regressed. I hear echoes of voices that can be attributed to my tulpa. I talk to her constantly, like to any other bystander. And when I need to get up early and feel fresh I ask her to rejuice me and wake me up in given sleep time. Usually she manages to do it. Of course it's not perfect hit all the time since she doesn't have all the powers of a full grown tulpa.

 

She doesn't speak yet because I put half-subconscious inhibitors on voice. I want to finish one particular part perfectly before we move on, so most likely it is what is stopping her. No use trying to get around it, since it's how I want it trully. So better do it the way it's meant to be done and everything will be just fine.

 

I meditated nicely today for 40 minutes, and I suppose to get at least this much every day. And so I hope to update this log daily, just to give myself a bit more stimuli. Other moments from the time I didn't post will be unloaded step by step, so I would have something to fill my post with on really uneventful days when only time spent meditating can be expected in an update.

[Slip Slip]

Today's session was intense. I managed to meditate for more than 20 minutes without feeling like I want to get up, or otherway anxious. I started with self-unduction that this is my private time beginning, just for me and her. I said that all my worries and problems will slip away as I take deep breaths and calm myself. I even imagined myself filling glass jars with sand from a bag and slipping them into the water behind my boat that is sailing to special place. That place being a calming sand beach on a tropical island. Only sea edge, sand and forest line behind. Guess that makes it my wonderland.

 

I do find it very useful to travel there, since it helps me relax and enter trance. Plus it turns out that until I'm working on a body, visualising a calming place to envision a spirit in is very nice.

 

I'm re-reading what I wrote about each character trait. I noted to her that this never was a forcing, I just wrote down the traits I hope to see in her. And now I'm reminding myself of what I wrote in her presence. And she can listen and analyze. So far I managed three, since I did a great job on analyzing every one. After reading them I decided to explain that the jewel marble I have in my hand is the trait, so to say. And if she has that trait, or posesses a big presence of it, this trait will dissolve in her current spirit body. One went perfectly, like a flour ball in a fizzy drink, spreading itself like a cloud inside. Second one went not so easy, a chunk floated a bit before dissipating, maybe that means not a perfect go-along with what I wrote, maybe simply not present to a degree the first one is. The third one made her change colour into black with a piece of yellow and a bit of blue. Like if you underlayed an outline with a picture of a galaxy. I didn't feel animosity to trait, but the reaction is very surpising.

 

My head feels airy and left half of it is, well I feel it, like a tint of migraine, but not painful. I hope that shows that a result is present.

[Slip Slip]

Managed around 25 minutes of low-quality meditation today. The feeling of time slipped, and that's a good sign of being in trance. Yet I didn't manage to really see the sand beach as yesterday and before and her spirit silhouette. But meditation is a skill that needs training, so I'm satisfied that I acted against the weakness.

 

I read about one trait, noting that tomorrow will be another try, since the session is not up to standarts. When I tried to see it as a marble it showed as a flare spark (think lens flare, or firefly) between my fingers. She grabbed it as soon as I said about it going inside her as a test. And upon putting it myself it caused a fireworks show. Guess that's good?