Slip Slip February 6, 2014 Author February 6, 2014 Sadly, today's session was a complete wack. Lessons learned. Next one will be better.
Slip Slip February 6, 2014 Author February 6, 2014 Just finished a long session. My new personal record - 50 minutes. Well, 40 if you cut out first ~10 minutes filled with distractions on background. After that it was real calming wave. Took me around 20 minutes to calm down and get rid of thoughts. I did a little imagination activity to visualise myself under a pour of water from a jar. And as the water flows down the head, shoulders and so on, it carries away fear, sadness and troubles. Then it went to me being washed under the shower, with my colour being washed away like paint from glass, leaving me transparent. And so I felt my eyes getting heavy and not wanting to open and body being a little numb. Then I started the sequence of boat and arrival on island. I managed three traits today. And judging from reactions they rooted. Though it was hard to visualise her silhouette. The "camera view" was changing often. After finishing session I'm feeling nice, calm and envigorated.
Slip Slip February 7, 2014 Author February 7, 2014 Did an okay session today. I'm getting better at sitting still and letting thoughts go - 20 minutes pass without notice. And just around this time I feel ready to start actual process with traits, so I open the eyes to read my notes deeply and glance at the clock. So I know how much time passed. I think I need to work on feeling her near me. I imagine her sitting in front of me on the beach, but she is also near me in reality. I think I should start focusing on this double presence starting tomorrow. Because she is not a fantasy, just like me. So I should focus not only on her being there, but also on her being here AND in my head. So I talk not only to her vision, but also into my head AND into reality. I feel if I don't adjust this vector of listener I will face habit stumbles in future. I will be used to her inside, so sensing her in my room and not on the beach in meditation can get problematic.
Slip Slip February 9, 2014 Author February 9, 2014 Couldn't calm myself enough today. Felt very hectic. Tomorrow I'll lay down instead of sitting - that will envoke relaxation simply by similarity to sleep. And then I'll try to envision boat and jars much more detailed, then island and her presence. Despite me opening eyes to read traits, that would still be very relaxed reading. And focusing on her presence starting from your head, more than simply talking and focusing on her outside, is an important part of process, or so I always read everywhere.
Slip Slip February 10, 2014 Author February 10, 2014 Couldn't meditate today. Didn't manage to get to the boat. So I decided to use this as an opportunity to tell the traits aloud and practice addressed speech. I can't really see the results in action, but I did my almost best addressing to her, and not simply reading aloud. Just like to a real person. I still did the "testing paper" jewel trial. Noted to her again that this is basically for me, so I would have a decent understanding of what traits she decided to invoke, and which are present differently or not at all. Since I didn't meditate and get deep, the visual results were much more blurry, but I guess they are positive.
Slip Slip February 18, 2014 Author February 18, 2014 It was a hectic week. So to get back on track I meditated without trait reading, just calming and relaxing. Seems I'm right with my time assumptions - it always takes me 20 minutes to get free from thought gibberish. Imagined pier in all it's details, nighttime with starry sky, boat, setting sail and bag with sand and jars and filling and throwing them away. And now I'm feeling heavy headed, but moderately calm and with not so clear, but unloaded mind.
Slip Slip March 11, 2014 Author March 11, 2014 Funny unfunny - with all these posts being about how I can't meditate productively this logbook is more about not having progress. I sure hope not so. It's very demanding to study in High education. So to meditate I have quite a little time and strength. So around three weeks after the last time I meditated again. To get back on track I simply meditated without forcing, to get the feeling back, to get back into just sitting there and not doing tasks with body. You know that hectic feeling of need to get up and start doing something from crapload of everything, with the result of postponing everything, achieving nothing but a panic attack? To get rid of it and let myself spend up to an hour meditating is my current task. If I succeed in calming myself for 20 minutes I move on to forcing like I did. I also try breathing techniques while mantaining straight back. And that's where I get a problem. I have to sit hunched to get nice deep breath, but I read you have to sit straight. If I do so (I press my shoulders to the wadrobe to get support anyway), my breath becomes high, chest breath and wakes me up with air deficiency. I have to find the right balance on breathing. So today it was ~15, ~20 minutes of meditation with overall result of me feeling sleepy and calm. And ~10 minutes of pointless one. I thing it is a right thing that I basically didn't do anything two years ago. I remember that I couldn't meditate, couldn't handle sitting still for a while, forcing a vision of something particular. Not just daydreaming. And my willpower was much lower. Now I can meditate for real for a while. And my vision changed. If in the beginning I was upbeat about perspectives, encharmed with this new mystic concept, now I'm much more calm, but also...not so of less motivated, but something of a feeling of connecting to mysticism is gone. But in a way, this "coming to peace with the tulpa idea" pacified me. I take it as natural to have a tulpa (complete in the future, but silent currently) in my head now. That it's normal to have a sleeping-awakening second mind in me. It adds naturality to the process, helping avoid pitfalls, cutting out the rush and race. The pace is right the way it is, and that result is what matters. If I didn't meditate it doesn't mean she shrunk in life force. She is always there. It just takes me to help her, but if I don't force it simply stops our bus at a pitstop. We don't regress. The way things are now, I always acknowledge her present, though not always alert with this. So to say, the process is now on constant background, with me double-clicking it from time to time. Not being turned off whenever I'm not paying attention. And in that, I see a positive progress. To really move forward, I need to get that mysterious, sacral feeling I had two years ago. Of taking on a life-changing step, joining a new plane of existence, unwrapping dormant possibilities of a human mind. Of starting something so special, it can't be believed to be real, only something out from fantasy, so fantastic it is. If I get this essence back, that's where the to halves will meet and movement will commit. Then I'll probably need a third step - accepting the idea that it's ON. The two mind thing, with second one being fully alive. It will need another special step. It's easy to say yes, but accepting it is another story.
Slip Slip March 13, 2014 Author March 13, 2014 Yesterday a big thing happened. Real big. Wanted to post it yesterday, but I returned home late so one thing led to another and I moved the update to today. I was returning home from the last lesson of a course dedicated to a particular theme I really fancy, so I was feeling especially upbeat and distanced from the world, not wanting to pay too much attention to the surrounding, digesting the last lesson and with it the whole course, returning air-headed to the world so to say. Not looking into people, or having long thought trains, but paying attention to the pavement and surroundings to not get hurt. It was late, half an hour past eleven. People were scarce, but not rare. Since I'm not the bravest person when it get's dark in the city, I was alert when I exited metro (underground), paying great attention to being followed, never hurts to be carefull. And that's where it gets interesting. I felt like there was someone following me in the distance. Not back to back, but locked on enough to feel it in my back. I turned around twice in short time to check, but satisfyingly no one was there. I wrote it off to me being cautious, expecting a possible tail (even though I live in one of the safest districts in the city). And then in a while I was struck with exemplary "making a hole in my back with staring" feeling. Someone literally being inches away from the back of my head. Previous ones don't even compare to this morning mesh in the public transport quote. Turning around provided empty street, with feeling not going away. In a while it calmed down. Returning home I came to a conclusion that this was probably what is listed as "feeling a presence" in guides. For real this time. I won't write off previous ones as self-delusions from wants to high, it will be bad for the progress. But this one was the real deal for the first time, easily recognizable. I wrote in my last post that I want a boost. Guess this is one solid support shout out from the benches.
Slip Slip March 16, 2014 Author March 16, 2014 Meditated for ~35 minutes today. Very nice. Didn't do any traits, I'll get to it. I want to do it without breaks, in consecutive days. And I expect interruptions this week. So now I'm simply getting used to meditation. Thought about a new visualisation, kind of came on it's own. Also I will step by step get better at silhouette while meditating, and by the time I get to visualisation, I'll have a good basis.
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