Slip Slip's logbook of his journey towards his other half that was always with him

[Slip Slip]

I remember feeling that skin stuff a shit-ton just before my tulpa started speaking. It seemed to be more emotional than controllably communicative.

How have you managed to take so long doing personality?

Sweet, that means I passed an important milestone. By emotional, do you mean her emotional response through body memories bank? Like, she made me feel the feeling as a response to my words because she is still 'mute', while in reality my skin stayed still?

And personality is moving in such pace because of this:

1) academic work gives me pressure. I have free time, but I lack that inner free time. When you feel you have a respectable amount of free time. Can't get into that deep, self-inspecting mood to commit psychologial analysis.

2) perhaps I take it way to seriously. I often chicken out to start writing. Facing a trait and answering simple questions about it proves to be difficult for me. I feel like I must be as sharp about what I write as possible. Several traits lie very close, but are very important to me. I need to carefully put nuances in them on paper. And the questions themselves - despite being simple make me plunge into deep thinking.

3) simple pressure. I'm creating an outline for a character. Despite my take being somewhere between chiseling the biggest pieces of marble of a block that will become a statue on itself and writing a script that has enough free space for personal input and is meant to be improvised on the go if seen fit. It's like she stands beside me and inspects what I write, hoping I get it right as these are guidelines for her in all the fog. You know that feel when you begin an unknown class and just don't know where and how to start? Yep.

I just felt the particular strain in my fingers and light spasm in my left half. I guess she agrees.

Thanks for the reply man. Sometimes I feel like that electromagnetic field that mutes my words in reality and my comments and questions go unnoticed transfered here too.

[waffles]

I really don't know the exact mechanism for the sensation. I don't think it is physical in that the skin is physically effected, though it might be a little. Perhaps it is simply a mechanism that comes very easily to some.

 

As a few points about personality:

It's probably too late. By now you'd best quit it and narrate, because it would seem as though your tulpa's already fairly sentient, and personality work isn't going to do much good.

If you do continue, then remember that it's just a guideline, and you don't have to go into detail. I put a lot of time into personality, and deviation took my tulpa far beyond what I had imagined. Even besides that, anything you leave untouched will form of its own accord, so it's needless to go into too much detail.

[Slip Slip]

How interesting. Simply by narrating (because I always narrate. It was always a strange need - to speak out loud whenever I'm alone, like I'm a character in a sitcom and audience is listening to everything. Monologues in solitude are my forte. I also think aloud whenever a possibility, easier to plan. So it was easy to change recepient from audience to one person. The only thing that I added was more focus on a particular listener being present.) and five umbrella traits I got a seed growing.

Thanks for the hint. I already got the most important ones covered, and they vary in what they affect, so it's not one branch. I'll finish soon and move on to the body.

[Slip Slip]

I was throwing out tea remains and planned aloud when I noticed that when I pronounced words I adressed them to her for real. There was not a hint of doubt or self-assuring. I told her a phraze feeling her as real, you know that difference when you understand that you are heard and the listener is present. I understood this and commented on it with delight while washing the cup.

[Slip Slip]

Since apparently I can no longer force something upon her, I will explain the traits on paper. The form stays the same, but the message changes.

I came to a point where I can't really explain traits. The ones mostly left are too widespread, like a mist, to write down. It will take several pages of general monologues and in the end will serve not much clarification. So I will make three coloumns of what I already wrote down, what I can't really explain and what I can. then I finish the ones I can explain and move on.

Yesterday I forced myself to write down a very hard to pin down trait. It revealed itself to be much deeper than at the first impression. I wanted to fap and procrastinate a hard task, but forced myself to work beforehand. The fap after that was simply mindnumbingly awesome. Three hours later I went for a second one and it was just as good. Suspicious...

I had a dream this night. A regular dream with vivid collaboration of known places and new additions to them, dream motivations of actions, you know the deal. But the most important thing is that she was there. She came close to me and we... socialised, so to say (the clothes stayed on) and did dream things, 'following' the 'plot' of a dream. I don't remember if she spoke, her look was different from what I expect to start from and it resembled a particular picture I saw yesterday. But the feeling she gave off was not of a dream character. Much more...connected to me, if you know what I mean. The closest will probably be when gone relatives visit you in your dream, or you see someone you've been thinking for a long time about and really wish to meet, in the sense that it feels much more personal and close than a dream vision. And the eyes were much more sentient than of a dream person. Usually the faces are unregistrable - less potent and untransparent, less sentient, hardly memorable and other. I remember the one particular moment. She was standing a bit higher than me, we were drinking from kettles, and she was looking at me. Exactly at me, locked on. It felt like we were in the process of knowing each other closer and she was appraising me. That is probably the closest word here. There was also a hint of displeasure, but I know why. When I woke up and remembered the dream I felt nice. Now I'm most assured it was her.

Last couple days I was reading these surveys for formed tulpas. They get the mind on a right track. I think they are a good read. I feel like they returned me to a more tuned state.

[Slip Slip]

Started visualization today and... got nothing. Couldn't get a thing. For twenty minutes I sat silently, getting empty headed and calming down. But when I considered myself blank enough, I couldn't imagine a thing.

I wanted to make a skeleton, after being content with it get muscles on it and then finish with outer layer. Not in one day of course. But I coudn't get the projector rolling.

I get really dragged out into the fantasy when I'm on the go. Walking or in the transport. So tomorrow I'll go out and start visualizing on the go. But I already know that it will not be proportionate with everything. You know it - like a little movie in the mind's eye while eyes are open. Can anyone tell me, or maybe ask their tulpas, if this is the quality decision? Will the results be good, or it will be simply daydreaming?

Considering the personality the plan remains - I'll continue writing them down. But now it's simply a guideline for growth of traits. If she decides to pursue them, she can 'see the memo' I wrote and have something to start from. Since I would like to see them in her.

 

The bold function is not working.

 

My mood is pretty down now.

[waffles]

For many, open-eye visualisation is easier and more productive. It is a lot like daydreaming; in fact, daydreaming is optimal, since that's more or less you fully engrossed in your visualisation. Of course, you want to stay on track with this, and make sure you're not actually daydreaming (as in your mind wandering) while visualising like this, but as long as you've got that then you should be all good.

 

Visualisation is often difficult at first, but remember that you always get better at it with time. Keep up with visualisation now and eventually it'll be easy for you.

[Slip Slip]

I have very good associative memory. Right now I'm pounding questions for tomorrow's exam while listening to music (moderately appropriate for such task genres). I can feel myself being dragged into memories and fantasies. My eyes, especially left eye, are literally turning up-left and vision is being substituted summer scenes.

[Slip Slip]

Did a wonderful trait yesterday. It started as me writing on what character umbrellas it can latch itself and with which traits it can synergize, how people with such trait act and live, but quickly turned into me telling her how she acts with it. Despite me pinpointing at the beginning that since she has sentience (of some level) I can't force it into her, I can only tell her how it works and that I'll be very happy to see it in her.

Well then again - belief. I hope so strongly it is undistinguishable from me knowing that she will be so, and thus shaping (forcing? We are not raping anyone's identity here) it into her.

It went so smooth I was very happy. But when I got home, the day's fatigue coupled with this deed gave mean incredible headache and complete lack of willpower and strength. I didn't even have will to read threads or play games. I layed down, but was afraid to relax, or else I would fall asleep. Coincidently, we talked about Reliability and Willpower.

 

Today, I noticed that I don't feel alone. I feel that particular presence and feel when there is someone present, and that someone is a part of the commotion.

[Slip Slip]

Isn't it sweet to make an update almost once a month, since nothing of importance happens? All the changes happen under the cover, probably.

But I got a feeling on my arm today, like a light pinching-swiping. When the fingers do the pinch motion, but don't apply pressure. I'm to lazy to look into vocabulary right now to find a right word. It happened right when I was procrastinating important thing. I did it and achieved neat results, all thanks to that feeling of "do the task already".

I also got a dream about a week and a half ago. In the course of the dream I came to the open meadow, about 12 sq metres (yeah, meadaw), surrounded mostly by trees (the ones that give a subliminal message of border) and a fence. There were several missing bars. So when I saw what looked like a her (well, what I and I hope we plan to make), well more like a ghost or hologramm of her in that meadow, I squeezed into there. I remember that at that moment I did that quite consciously, realizing that that vision is connected to her. There was a hut to my right, with a window in it. And there I saw the back of her head, but either the glass was murky, or the colour of her hair will certainly change almost at the beginning of visualization. The hairstyle was different (though the length of the hair was the same, it was tied upwards, like after a bath). I clearly understood that this time it's the real person. And much more real than other people I met in the dream. I didn't enter. Can't presume why I did so. Probably it was mostly guilt that I'm such a slowpoke, a part of shame, and a part of idea that it's not time yet. I still haven't finished what must be done beforehand. But I clealry understood who was sitting in that hut.

And given the choice now, I would've surely entered.