Help: Is this toxic?

[VineWillow5975]

Okay, guys. I am really worried about this new development in Dane and my relationship. For a while some time ago, every time I went to bed, I semiconsciously imposed a figure that I slept with (not sexually, more romantically). After a few nights, I realized that this figure was actually Dane. What a wondrous surprise! I love this facet of our relationship and he does, too. The problem is that I have recognized the possibility that I will have a relationship someday and that this could become a problem. I tried to talk this over with him and he seems okay with it but, as he is not talking consistently yet, I cannot be sure. I was wondering, from people who have had a relationship like this, does it become a problem? Will one of us get hurt by doing this?

 

Thanks for taking the time to deal with my probably paranoid problems. You are all dolls.

[Zpothu]

My particular tulpa is okay with this sort of thing. She thinks it would be healthy for me to find a physical partner to share the trials and tribulations of physical reality. Having a physical partner also helps me feel sexual adequacy.

 

But, I imagine that it does depend on the tulpa's personality. It is possible they could decide to be jealous. I think I would be jealous too if my tulpa found another tulpa partner.

 

Regardless of what the tulpa thinks, I think it would be healthy for you to have the relationship. You can love more than one person, after all. Just give everyone the one-on-one time that want so that their emotional needs are met.

[Linkzelda]

Integrating relationships that would be akin to intimate ones with others we interact with daily is always a challenge for someone; some are just better at assessing the stress that may come with it. It depends on the kind of disposition you develop to foster rapport with Dane, and still feel comfortable in being open to other people. With Dane, you can create a new dynamic set of relationships instead of boiling it down to romanticism, or just curiosity for it.

 

You could see it as one of many ways to conceptualize your love and appreciation for him, and the concept isn’t that hard to apply to people we meet in our lives. For example, Dane can easily have the romantic interest in you because he can be considered a really good friend to you, and yet still have some qualities, for the sake of example, of a fatherly figure at the same time. It may feel abnormal trying to incorporate something like that, but if the dilemma of yours is worrying about future relationships, and being too tied with Dane to start another one, this can be an option for you to map out with him.

 

To Dane, he can represent completely different levels of love you may not be able to create with someone in the future. What I’m trying to get at is if you’re going with the implication of him being closer than anyone you could imagine, the type of love is probably greater to the point where using types of relationships to describe it would become an understatement compared to something like having a boyfriend/girlfriend in the future. In other words, the probability of conceptualizing multiple relationships with Dane is more flexible because you don’t have to be predisposed into thinking it has to be a black and white linear way of handling interactions with him.

 

For me personally, I used to consider Eva a motherly figure with some kind of curiosity with romance, though with other thought-forms in my dreams mostly, that never really lasted for long because it always felt like a self-referential kind of emotional inspiration to appreciate myself more. You learn more about how you handle yourself in the plethora of ways people define love in relationships, and having that kind of empathetic knowledge base doesn’t have to be something you confine yourself to for the rest of your life with him. You could think of it as experimenting and teaching both you and him how to make a compromise on both of your opinions of your interactions.

 

When we want to learn how to care about people’s lives, and being thoughtful of someone we worry might be neglected, there’s nothing wrong with being concerned about it. If anything, just be honest on how you’re feeling, because chances are, especially with relationships, it’s a matter of logic vs. what’s going on in your heart. And a loose example you could discuss with him (and it doesn’t have to be one where you expect an answer from him; just a rhetorical statement where you emphasize that he’s free to revel in the thought without need to reciprocate to you verbally):

 

“Hey Dane, I seem to be in a situation where I just happened to interact with a figure that was created in my head, and attached myself with emotions and attraction towards him, and it ended up being you. I don’t know if it was just my mind’s way of creating a virtual experiential reality of how I can assess myself with you, but I want you to know how I’m feeling right now, and I’m worried about the future. I don’t know if I can handle dong this kind of relationship with you if I want to be with someone as well. I know you may realize that I just want to love like anyone else; maybe create a family, and have a sense of belonging as well, but at the same time, I want you to be able to experience these things with him/her. But it feels problematic because I can’t seem to trust my capability, but if I’m willing to go so far to acknowledge you, even if you may not be consistent in your communication with me, I just want you to know that I’m really trying right now.

 

I may not really be one to have every contingency mapped out on assessing these kinds of interactions with you, but I do care about you as well, and just know that I’m trying to figure out how to balance out how I conceptualize my relationship(s) with you vs. one with someone I may want to be intimate with, and potentially have a family if I see there’s a future with them.”

 

Of course, this is just throwing out an example of how you can make rhetorical statements to them. This way, they don’t have to feel intimidated, and immediately respond to negotiate/make a compromise to you. If anything from what I learned with Eva and Ada, applying inward attention towards them in any way you can while you give out those rhetorical statements kind of helps you lower the reactivity level of the probable worst case scenarios, and helps you develop the disposition of finding silver linings and glimmers of hope in stressful circumstances like relationships can be in general.

 

But it starts with you being aware of how you’re feeling, what you want to do about it, being thoughtful of who it is that’s part of that dilemma, and acknowledging to them that you’re going to try to make things better. But not just that, acknowledging to them that they can pitch in when they feel comfortable of giving insight on how you can assess these kinds of things.

 

With all threads I’ve seen with relationship issues with their tulpas, the host feels like they have to visualize themselves as being alone in having to figure out everything without having a bit of faith that their tulpas can probably feel the same struggle they’re going through. But it’s not like we can know what will be going on by the book in any relationships, and whether that’s an incentive to keep the mystery and thrill up, or a nightmare to you is up for you to decide.

 

 

TL;DR:

 

 

What anything people would say to console someone with relationship dilemmas with tulpas in every thread ever about it.

[FallFamily]

A relevant question: are you assuming your relationship is romantic due to what you do, or do you know it is due to what you feel? I say this because I've been in a platonic relationship with someone where most people would think that we are actually a romantic couple if we tell them what we do with each other (hold hands, cuddle together in bed at night, etc.). Just throwing out the possibility that your relationship could actually be purely platonic. Or it could be familial love. It isn't unusual for siblings to cuddle with each other. For example, my tulpas and I are all sisters of each other and we all cuddle up together for sleeping purposes as family.

 

As for romantic relationships, it isn't an all or nothing thing. There are so many possibilities. For one, having romantic relations together does not bind you to always have them. Two, there is such thing as polyamory. Three, depending on how you work out how you two interact with outerworld (the physical world in the terminology of this community) together, it could happen that each of you ends up with a romantic interest in completely different people in which case you have to either choose who gets to pursue a relationship or live with a something resembling polyamory on the outside (being plural tends to put at least a bit of polyamory or polyamory like situations in one's life).

 

- Hail

[Luminesce]

My tulpas all greatly encourage me to find someone to enjoy my life with, even knowing that would take a lot of time away from them (even though I love Reisen more than anything else in life). I don't find them mutually exclusive though. A tulpa can never, ever take the place of a physical human being. And in my opinion, any human would be hard pressed to take the place of a tulpa. The only thing that matters is whether or not your specific tulpa(s) would be jealous/take issue. And since yours seems fine with it already, they probably would be. So it's just up to you.

 

Personally, I feel like tulpas are placeholder-companions in life that fill in for lack of whatever relationship you're in need of. But it doesn't have to be romantic. Many people could find a girlfriend/boyfriend and still need their tulpa for talking about their life or just being understood, because again, any human would be hard pressed to match a tulpa's understanding, being that they know everything about you. Reisen represents love to me, but even if I met someone whom I could share love with besides her, she wouldn't just vanish. We may spend less time together, but she's still invaluable to me. And jealousy is fear of loss, so logically, there's none of that.

 

Seems the only possible problem is on the part of your partner, who may be uncomfortable with you being romantic with your tulpa, or the concept of tulpas in the first place. But that's outside the scope of this post, I think.

 

 

Personally, I'd never settle for someone close-minded like that in the first place. You can find someone that loves you for everything that makes you you, including your tulpas.

 

[OCDHost]

Like hail_fall said, do you feel romantically attracted to your tulpa or are you assuming that because you sleep together then there must be something romantic going on?

 

I sleep with both of my tulpas, we don't consider it romantic, it's just a thing we do, haven't you ever shared a bed with a friend for any reason?

 

However if you are romantically involved with Dane that doesn't necessarily have to be a problem, he says he'll be okay with you finding a physical boyfriend, and from what I have seen most tulpas are, Dane wants the best for you, and if that ends up being going out with someone else then so be it.

 

And there is always the possibility that future-physical-boyfriend will be okay with your relationship with Dane too and you can have your cake and eat it too, lots of people are in polyamory relationship, though it's not for everyone of course.

 

Don't stress yourself out about this, whatever has to happen will happen, and in time you both will find what's best in your situation.

 

Keep in mind that tulpas are much more understading about the hosts feelings since they know you much more than anyone else so if you go out with someone else but still love Dane (in any way) and don't want to hurt him he will know this, lots of human relationships are affected because they don't know this, doubt creeps in and the person starts wondering if maybe they aren't loved anymore and etc, at least with Dane you won't have that problem.

 

(I'm not saying that tulpa relationships are better than human ones, just different, both have their ups and downs)

[VineWillow5975]

Thank you all. You are right I was approaching this the wrong way. I have been approaching it as though it is the type of relationship that society deems as normal, but clearly we are already far past that.:) To answer your question: I am not sure if what we have is romantic or purely platonic but now that I feel comfortable that we are not going to hurt each other, I am interested in investigating more. Thank you for your help and quick responses,

Kealie and Dane

[FallFamily]

I can't believe I forgot something: Partner system. That means a relationship between the different members of two plural system. Makes things a bit more symmetrical in that it gives everyone (or at least some of the people) in each body a chance to have a relationship with someone outside the body too. My system currently has a partner system. I am dating one person in the other system and the T is dating another (funny story, they started dating first).

 

- Hail