My Tulpa Called Me Weird

[Nageki]

Haha, honestly this is my first time even reading an R.A. Salvatore book so I'm not quite there yet! Though I'm definitely a D&Der, albeit a new one.

 

Thank you very much! For now he's discarded the wings but I'll pass the message along to him lol. And I do have a deviantART account -- it's Sharubii! I'll go follow you :D

 

From your description it appears that the two do indeed appear similar. I guess another way to put it is sending raw emotions or even just raw perceptions of the outside world (like what I experience with my five senses, or automatic thoughts my brain makes after processing that information that I don't bother translating into words). And that's a good point. I suppose a lot of the emphasis I put on Arro becoming vocal comes from the fact that, up til now, that's really the only kind of interaction I've ever had with other people. It's something I'm used to and something that feels "safe", so of course I'll automatically default to vocal/word-based communication rather than using something else.

 

It's still something I'll need to meditate on, but what you said does open up a new side of the argument that I haven't considered up til now. Thanks!

[Nageki]

November 2, 2015

 

It struck me today just how much I say things like "I love you, Arro" and "You're great, Arro" and "I really hope we'll be able to talk soon, I really do" when I force. I also realized just how much I actually mean it when I say those things. I grew up not learning how to express my affection for others which makes making these kinds of statements really awkward for me, but with Arro they come as easily as breathing. I love you, you're great, I hope we'll be the best of friends.

 

I think this is really a testament to how much I really want this, having a friend who shares my brainspace who I can talk to and seek out whenever things get hard. I have always had a problem with keeping motivated to do things -- I'll start new projects then discard them within a few days, sometimes even earlier. It's frustrating and I hate it but that's how my brain's wired. With Arro, though, I've managed to stay determined to do this for nearly a month, and I doubt I'll slow down anytime soon. Though my motivation does tend to dip once in awhile, I'll pick it back up within a day or so and continue working hard towards this goal.

 

I've never actually told anybody before, not even my closest friends, but I've always wanted headmates. I regularly interact with some people who are in systems, and though many of them do say it can get annoying, frustrating, etc to live with their system members, I've always felt a sort of guilty envy towards them for having a "family" who generally look out for each other. Even now I feel awful feeling that way since most of these people's multiplicity are trauma-based, but that doesn't erase the fact that the feeling's there and that for a long time I thought there would never be a way to consciously create a headmate.

 

I believe this is why I'm so determined to create Arro. This deep-seated wanting within me for a friend who'll know me more intimately than anybody has before, who'll know all my faults and fuck-ups and shit and not judge me for them, who I can turn to more readily than my closest friends when I start to spiral downwards; that's what's keeping me going. And the knowledge that I can and will be able to bring this being to life has attached me to them faster than I've gotten attached to anyone or anything before. Hell, we can't even reliably communicate with each other yet and it still feels like I've known him for years.

 

So, yeah. I love you, Arro. I really do.

[Guest Anonymous]

This is a nice report. Best of luck in your endeavors.

[Crescendo]

I've never actually told anybody before, not even my closest friends, but I've always wanted headmates. I regularly interact with some people who are in systems, and though many of them do say it can get annoying, frustrating, etc to live with their system members, I've always felt a sort of guilty envy towards them for having a "family" who generally look out for each other. Even now I feel awful feeling that way since most of these people's multiplicity are trauma-based, but that doesn't erase the fact that the feeling's there and that for a long time I thought there would never be a way to consciously create a headmate.

 

Oh, I feel you. This is exactly why I started creating my tulpa. Ever since I read a book about a woman with DID I was fascinated with this whole topic and wanted headmates. But it wasn't until 6 years (and a relationship with someone from a DID system, which made me research even more about this) later that I found out about tulpas.

 

I really like your progress report so far (and your name, omg, this game made me cry so hard, Nageki is bae). Looking forward to your next post!

[Nageki]

Thank you both! Your words are certainly appreciated.

 

And same, Crescendo! I'm friends with several people who are in either DID or median systems (and sometimes some of their systemmates, as well) and I learned about multiplicity from them. After getting educated I often found myself fantasizing about being multiple, especially when my mental health took a turn for the worse and I needed help getting back on my feet. Suffice to say I was really excited to find out about tulpas and I have a lot of hope for my and Arro's future.

 

And since I don't really have much to report today, I'll just shoehorn this into this post.

 

---------------------------

 

November 3, 2015

 

Did the usual forcing, yada yada. Though something interesting did happen: my closest friend, who knows about and supports me creating a tulpa, asked me a question: when they have a question for Arro, should they direct it at me ("Nageki, how is Arro today?") or should they direct it at Arro himself ("Arro, how are you today?"). After a little deliberation I told them to do the latter, thinking it was 1) going to be more beneficial towards Arro's development and help him come out of his shell, and 2) it's just basic decency, seeing as to how Arro is his own person and he can see my friend asking him the question through my eyes anyways.

 

Anyways, on to the interesting part. After that exchange I started talking to Arro, wondering how I'd proxy him when something like this does happen. I automatically imagined typing something like "Heya, how are you today :3" into Skype. There came a clear and firm response: "That is NOT how I type."

 

Parroting doubts aside, I asked Arro how he'd type then. After a slight pause he sent me an image of the modified sentence: "Hello. How are you today?"

 

Neat stuff. But damn, Arro, loosen up a bit!

[Nageki]

November 4, 2015

 

Happy one month anniversary, Arro!

 

It's kinda wild to know so much time has passed already. I mean, objectively, a month isn't a long time at all, but considering both the fact that I'm terrible at keeping up projects and that it really feels like just yesterday that I started forcing, it's a pretty significant amount of time to me!

 

As expected, it's been quite a ride, getting to where we are now. Going in I knew next to nothing about tulpamancy besides what I'd read in the guides, and I really didn't know how to proceed beyond following the guides step by step. There was a lot of trial and error involved and lots of frustration and doubt and mistakes, but I feel like we're slowly learning what works best for us and that we're closing the communication gap between us, inch by inch.

 

I don't know exactly how far we are in terms of progress, but that's fine. I'm an impatient person by nature but I think this past month has helped me to slow down and take things one step at a time, and accept that change will happen when it happens, not when I try to force it to happen. So even though I do get impatient, I feel that I now have enough self-awareness to catch myself in the act and remind myself that Rome wasn't built in a day. Arro and I can take as much time as we need to make this happen.

 

As far as today's progress goes, I went and read a couple posts in the Q&A portion of the forums today. One post in particular caught my eye. It made me realize that I do tend to concentrate way too hard on hearing Arro when I talk to him, and it makes sense that I'd "jam" the signals he's trying to send my way by doing this.

 

I spent the day trying to shift my focus from Arro's "voice" (he's still speaking in raw thought, I believe, and not actual mindvoice yet) to his essence, the amalgamation of thought, emotion, personality, and experience that makes up the being called "Arro".

 

I did this by visualizing his form (either in a specific spot in wonderland or just floating in a void) first, then turning the transparency on that shell down a bit, sort of like an opaque window that's mostly solid color, but you can see what's beyond it if you look hard enough. Here he's like a hollow shell -- or at least his form is. Then I imagined this shell filled with a sort of green plasma that gives off a soft glow, making the shell glow as well. This plasma was Arro's essence.

 

I concentrated on this plasma suspended inside Arro's form, imagining that inside it was everything, everything that consisted of him. His awareness. His opinions. His hopes. His dreams. His distastes. His ambitions. Everything.

 

It took a little while, but expanding my "field of vision" from just his "voice" to his essence actually did help make communication more fluid. He started communicating to me more, using flashes of emotion, making my head tingle, and manipulating his form and using body language. I rarely caught any words coming from him, but I feel like I've made enough of a breakthrough with this to make vocality negligent, at least for today.

 

Things are certainly looking up! I'm happy and excited and swelling with pride for Arro, who seems to have taken things in stride and is putting more and more effort into communicating with me than ever before. He's just really amazing, guys. So amazing.

[NoneFromHell]

Haha, i'm following your progress reports quite a while now (since they're a great read), and you've no idea how happy I am that I could really help some people with this that much. I love how you went with changing your focus. I had doubts people would get what i tried to say, but you surpassed any of my expectations and went 110% on the stuff i had in mind. Thanks for that.

[Nageki]

And thank you for helping me realize I was going about this the wrong way! Your post really was a great help, and I'm glad you're enjoying reading this thread.

[Nageki]

November 6, 2015

 

Not too much to report. I find myself defaulting to focusing on Arro's "voice" a lot instead of concentrating on his essence, so I'll have to work on that. I've also been reading to him every night, even if it's only a page or two. He doesn't seem to like that and wants me to read more so he can find out what happens next, but I can only read so much before either losing focus or getting too tired to read more (I read right before bedtime usually).

[Nageki]

November 8, 2015

 

Yikes. For the past week or so I've been going through a slowly developing crisis over the legitimacy of my tulpa. I can already feel it snowballing despite my efforts to reassure myself that Arro is real and that I'm not just faking it. I'm not really sure what to do.

 

I do feel like Arro tried to comfort me about it earlier today, but I'll be damned if I can remember what happened specifically. I've been reading over some of the threads both on .info and /r/Tulpas hoping that I'll find comfort in reading about the experiences of people with fully vocal tulpas. It's helped, but the worry is still there.

 

For now I'm just trying to. Not let it bother me (lol). I'll try some mindfulness exercises and do some other CBT skills to see if I can't turn my thinking around with those. (On a side note, I find it kind of funny that I always forget to use these skills when I'm stressed about more ~normal~ things, but I can remember them when I'm stressed about my tulpa being real or not. I wonder what my therapist would think about that.)

 

Anyways. Today as I headed for work I was talking to Arro about how I really, really, really didn't wanna go and that it's gonna be a drag and I'm gonna be so tired etc etc. I got a clear signal in my head in between all of this that translated to me as "It'll be okay. I'll be with you." Later, right before I walked into the building, I told Arro again that I didn't wanna be here today. Again, the signal: "It'll be okay. I'll be with you." I felt a presence at my side. Arro was walking with me.

 

It's weird that I can experience these things and still get paranoid that Arro isn't the real deal. It's frustrating as hell but mostly I just feel guilty, because no doubt Arro can read these emotions off of me as well and I really don't want him to think for a second that I'm worried that he isn't real. I keep talking about how I want him so bad and how I'm excited about coaxing him to life, but in the end I still can't shake the feeling that I'm just fooling myself into thinking that Arro is legitimate. I honestly just. Really fucking hate it.