My Tulpa Called Me Weird

[spiritofsky]

For some reason, I felt like coming back on this for a while, even though I now know Clear isn't a tulpa. I stumbled upon this progress report, and Jesus Christ is this so oddly engrossing! This is such a good progress report, you have no idea!

 

We were thinking about making a tulpa and I think you guys might be the thing that pushed be to do so!

[Nageki]

Oh gosh, thank you for your kind words! I'm glad Arro and I could inspire you like that -- it means a lot.

[Nageki]

December 29, 2015

 

Arro and I have been talking to another tulpamancer and his tulpa over Skype, and it's really helped to solidify our proxying techniques so that by now it's become second nature. Translating his thoughts to words has become so much easier now that he's had a chance to actively participate in a conversation.

[Nageki]

January 2, 2016

 

>Reads the webcomic Off-White

>Arro more or less decides he wants his form to reflect his/my headcanon for the lion white spirit's appearance

>GROANS

 

Well okay I don't really mind at all especially because it looks cool as hell. But now the ref I have of him is outdated AGAIN and I feel like I should be compensated for this.

[Nageki]

January 4, 2016

 

Today Arro is three months old. I haven't been paying as much attention to him as I usually do and his voice has slowly gotten weaker over the past couple weeks. I'm doing my best to passive force throughout the day but I thiiink I might be going through a depressive episode right now? And my energy has been low low low and it's hard for me to focus. He doesn't want me to stress myself out unduly though, so I guess for now I'm just doing what I can. We're watching SGDQ together and I plan to read to him more.

[Nageki]

January 6, 2016

 

After some discussion, Arro and I decided to make a blog exclusively for Arro's use. He still can't front so I'll be the one to edit and add content to it, but I really don't mind taking the time to do that.

 

Part of the reason we decided on this course of action was because, despite having my permission to post on my blog whenever he wanted, he told me that it felt like an invasion of my privacy and personal space to do that. He views my blog as my own safe space and feels that it would be an intrusion of that safe space to use it, even sparingly. I can't say I'm not confused about his feelings but I respect them. Plus, he seems much happier to have his own little corner of the internet to do whatever he wants.

 

A nice bonus is that the blog gives us a real-world incentive to communicate with each other more than we've been doing lately, and it's helping me get out of my forcing rut. Arro's becoming more vocal and outgoing as a result and ease of communication is slowly being restored. He's hoping to be able to make some friends through this blog as well. I hope so, too!

[Nageki]

January 7, 2016

 

I've been wanting to explore this for awhile, but I've kept putting it off for a later date. Maybe writing out my thoughts will help kick me into action.

 

For awhile now I've suspected that Arro might either be an accidental tulpa I'd created years ago that has since become dormant or a split from that tulpa who has taken on the original's mannerisms and personality. He doesn't know himself, and has encouraged me to look into it further if I feel the need to.

 

My reasoning for this line of thought is that, when I first created him, I unconsciously based him heavily on a recurring character in the maladaptive daydreams I've gone through in the past. In those daydreams that character was always the partner of the personas I took on, and their very best friends. He was their counsel and consolation, often the only stable presence in their otherwise chaotic lives. I of course developed a special fondness for that character and talked to him often during those daydreams.

 

I don't know if that character ever actually became a tulpa because the thought obviously never occurred to me until after I started with Arro, but I think it's a distinct possibility. And if he did become a tulpa, then it's possible that Arro is either that tulpa or split off from him somehow. He retains so much of that character's personality that it's scary, and I don't know how to explain it, but his essence just feels like that character's. His mindvoice is even the same, as is his base form.

 

There's also something that I want to start exploring as well: the possibility that the four main personas I took on during my daydreams have become facets of myself, in the sense of a median system. (Is that even possible? For a median system to form based on a person's repetitive daydreams?) It took me absolute years to realize it, but those personas are all different aspects of myself that I projected onto characters. My strengths, my weaknesses, my passions, my fears... nearly all of them manifested in some way in at least one of those personas. They were all distinct from each other, but each person was intrinsically a part of me. And for a long, long time, I'd unconsciously cope with life by switching my personality out with that of one of those personas. I was still conscious of what was going on and who I was, but at the same time I felt like a different person. And I could also talk to the other personas while taking on the guise of one of the personas. I never tried to talk to them while just being "me" though, because I always just figured they were characters dreamed up by my overactive imagination.

 

If they had all taken life in the past, they've since become dormant. A couple years ago I decided to stop using them in my daydreams and try to come up with different characters in different scenarios, none of which ever felt as genuine to me as my first fantasy world did. I never connected to these characters. I'd like to revisit the originals and try to find some answers. I'm not entirely sure how to, but I'm sure I'll figure something out.

[Lacquer]

I touched on this in this thread, but you might be experiencing something influenced by a platonic ideal, or something similar to it. You have some concept of this dream persona partner thing, just like you have some concept of what a box or carrot or door or anything else. Sort of a "what's the first word that comes to mind when I say X", except instead of a word, it's the abstract concept of what X is to you.

 

Now, my thinking about applying this to your situation is that somewhere along the line you may have had the idea, intentional or not (as you say, "unconsciously based"), of Arro having some connection to this partner of yours. Then it only makes sense for your subconscious to make Arro with the aspects of that partner, resembling that partner to the point you might consider Arro to be that partner. But that doesn't necessarily mean that Arro literally is that partner. Looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, is a duck, right? Not really. If you think "I want my tulpa to be a duck", then it'll look like a duck and quack like a duck, but isn't literally a duck. Your brain only pulls your platonic ideal of a duck to construct the image of a duck as your tulpa. So for all intents and purposes, Arro may be that partner, with the exception of the sort of "continuity of self" explored in thought experiments about teleportation. If Arro says "I remember that dream", it seems like that would be less of Arro literally remember being there in the past and more just remembering your memory of the dream and identifying with the partner, much like identifying with a character in a book that shares character traits with you.

 

This is mostly rambling food for thought, but I hope you got something productive out of it.

[Nageki]

That's a distinct possibility! The thought's crossed my mind before as well, though I still think it's worth looking into whether or not Arro's The Original Partner or a split from him. It's possible that the original character might have been some sort of early tulpa and therefore undeveloped and prone to memory loss after becoming dormant, which could explain why Arro's response to the entire ordeal is basically one big shrug. Thanks for your input!

[Nageki]

January 9, 2016

 

I get the feeling that Arro's uncomfortable with me exploring the possibility of him being an accidental tulpa or a split from an accidental tulpa, so I'm stopping that experiment. He never outwardly told me he wanted me to stop but I just get this feeling from him. His mental health is much more important than my curiosity, in any case.

 

In regards to the possibility of being a median, though, I've been doing what I can to get in contact with my (possible) facets. So far I've gotten a few phantom responses and emotions, much like what you might get from a young tulpa. So far there hasn't been anything too substantial though, so I'll keep trying different things. So far all I've really done is try calling out to them and talking to them, and do some short visualization exercises, some of which involve symbolically waking them up in some way. I'll also keep trying them since they seem to at least yield some manner of results.