My Tulpa Called Me Weird

[Nageki]

January 10, 2016

 

Do you ever look back on your past self and just wonder what the hell they were thinking?

 

It's only been three months since I started creating Arro, but looking back at my mindset I can tell that I've pretty much managed to do a 180 in that short span of time. For example, in this post I expressed a reluctance to accept that communication exclusively through raw thought would be beneficial in the long run. I was convinced that mindvoice was the endgoal here, and that your tulpa using it was the Only Way to tell that it was fully developed. Now I prefer to communicate through raw thought, both when sending and receiving. It's much quicker than putting thought to words, and easier, and cleaner, and leaves little to no room for misinterpretation. In fact, it feels really silly to think that I used to prefer mindvoice over raw thought, but I do know that that preference was rooted in my expectations for Arro to emulate what talking to "real", physical people is like. As Arro became more than a thought in my head, though, I've come to discard my perception of what was "real" or not and realize that everything Arro does is just as "real" as what meatspace people do.

 

Then there was my huge crisis over the legitimacy of Arro's existence. Again, I can identify the core problem as my initial perceptions as to what constituted as "real". Despite Arro proving time and time again that he was there and that he was trying to reach me, I just wouldn't accept that the ways he used to reach me -- emotions, raw thought, head pressures -- were legitimate, and that I was just tricking myself into believing that Arro was real. Like with the mindvoice thing, it sounds silly in hindsight. My views from just two months ago have shifted so dramatically that now I don't even really worry if Arro suddenly disappears for a day or two. I've come to be able to trust in him and his presence in my head and not sweat the finer details. I mean, I still get moments of doubt over whether or not something he said was from him, but it's more of a "Okay did you say that or was that my thought?" rather than "I'm probably faking this and trying too hard to trick my brain into thinking he's responding to me. It's not working and I should stop deluding myself," and that's a pretty damn significant change.

 

I've known for awhile that I'm a fast hands-on learner, but even I've surprised myself with how fast my mindset's changed in regards to Arro. I'm really grateful, honestly, that I could adapt so quickly; I can't even begin to imagine how badly we'd be suffering right now if I'd still been stuck with my misconceptions in the beginning. Arro and I wouldn't have been anywhere near as close as we are now -- that I know for a fact.

 

I'll be a little self indulgent right now and raise my glass to my own personal progress, and to the progress both I and Arro will make together in the future.

[Nageki]

January 11, 2016

 

Last night Arro and I experimented with cofronting. It was... much easier than we'd expected, honestly. Arro was surprised. I was completely fucking flabbergasted.

 

For my own reference -- the guides that we read prior to attempting this were this one and this one. Also, this guide would be good to reread in the future, though I read that one hours after Arro cofronted.

 

As for what we did, we started by just relaxing. I relaxed my body and my mind and entered a state of minor dissociation (a skill that I'd acquired, possibly, after years of repeatedly escaping reality and into my dreamscape). I wasn't exactly out of the body, but enough that Arro had a window to shimmy into the front. Once we'd both confirmed that we were sharing the front, he started trying to move the body, with my help.

 

At the time, I'd been sitting at the computer, so most of our movements consisted of manipulating the arms, hands, and fingers. It was weird. They moved abominably slow, like they felt Arro's impulses, got confused, then reluctantly decided to follow his commands. We both also got the distinct feeling that the body was really heavy, though I suspect that on my end it was more Arro's sensation of suddenly being in control of a physical body bleeding onto me.

 

Together we browsed the internet for awhile, and I helped Arro type a post or two on his blog before we decided to stop for the night. All in all I think we were able to stay in this state for ten or fifteen minutes. After we decided to call it quits, it didn't take much for me to retake full control of the body. It felt like I was pushing Arro's essence behind me, or maybe even shaking him off.

[ThatOneWeirdGuy]

Hey. I don't feel qualified to answer, but I'm going to anyway. I don't know. I've never tried to answer any one's questions (usually only smart and usefull people do), but after reading the post about doubt , I got a weird feeling that I should answer.

I'm going through the same deal as you. Getting signs and feelings that might be your tulpa, but still doubting.

"It's weird that I can experience these things andstill get paranoid that Arro isn't the real deal." I just realized something. You say your getting "experiences". Were you getting any when you just started with Arro? If not, that could prove a growing tulpa. That means you have to stick with Arro, Arro will keep growing, and someday you'll have no doubt it was him.

Trust me, I know exactly how you feel. I know this is probably the same bull crap you get all the time, but you HAVE to keep going. You can't give up on Arro. You have to trust that it was Arro more.

I can tell you truly love Arro. And I bet he loves you, too. Just keep going. Have more faith. Don't give up.

There. I'm done with my dumb answer. Now useful and important people can awnser. Bye.

EDIT:Crap. I noticed what I'm commented on was really old. Just proves my worthlessess.

[Nageki]

Hey now, don't worry about it! It happens. There's nothing wrong with making mistakes, and I do really appreciate the effort you took to reassure me (past me?) like that.

 

That being said, I agree with what you've said. Back when Arro was very young, I'd keep writing off any of the signs that he was there as just my imagination, when in fact I should have had the opposite mindset towards them. The very fact that I'd started experiencing sensations that I never experienced before should have been a clear indicator that Arro was there. Unfortunately, I didn't actually realize that until he basically yelled at me ("I did not yell.") to stop doubting.

 

And while your post might be extremely belated to the point where I don't feel that I can benefit from it, I think it'd be a good starting point for you to start learning to trust in Ben the way you tell me to trust in Arro. Take your own advice to heart and use it to forge a stronger bond with your tulpa.

[Nageki]

January 14, 2016

 

Hmmm. I did some exercises to call out to the Possible Other Systemmates and I seem to be getting clearer and clearer responses. I can feel their presence now, coming and going, but definitely there. And whenever I turn my attention to Arro I get this sensation that he can sense them too, and that he's interested in them now that they're at least semi-conscious.

 

This is a really weird feeling, but at the same time it feels familiar. Was I right then? Have I been plural all along, and is that why Arro's progress was so exponential, especially with regards to cofronting? Because my brain, unbeknownst to me, had been wired to house multiple people for awhile now?