I'm Unsure What This Is

[peanutbuttersandman]

I made one other thread asking how to kill tulpas, but I had an incident that made think more about these occurrences. It isn't dead, but at least I have some control over it now. This is going to be a long post (sorry) and I'm sure I'll hate myself by the end of it. I thought for sure this thing in my head had to be a tulpa because there wasn't any other true explanation and now I just need reassurance. I've had this thing before I can remember, that is, at least before I was seven. I'm only eighteen now. But when I was young I couldn't do much without it or something else talking to or provoking me. I couldn't even read books without being terrified of them judging me (which is completely stupid I know). Anything with a character in it I liked or loved I was afraid of. I would take measures to remove them from my room and seal all the openings therein with pillows and anything and make sure the door was locked. This happened even when I went to the bathroom for any amount of time. This kind of happens sometimes still when I read sonic comics or some other crap, but I don't end up sealing off windows or vents anymore. I used to be afraid when I was very young people could hear me think. But I would always (and kind of still do) hear objects mock me. That's why I posted this because, as idiotic as it is, I was fighting with my computer that way. Its like I can just opt out of fighting but it'll still be heard, continuously, so I end up yelling back until it stops. I already hate myself for this because its just too stupid. I'm so anxious right now its getting overwhelming. But the one I thought was a tulpa has always been there with them too. I prayed for that one to leave me be once but it was gone for a week and I couldn't stand the silence it was physically painful. I had headaches for that week. But does anyone else with tulpas experience these things? I'm beginning to hate people so much now. I hate my boyfriend and I hate my best friend so much. I don't know if I want to. I know this isn't really severe because it almost seems like I'm in control but I'm also not. Writing this makes it feel like I want it to be something else but I promise that's not it. I know enough about schizophrenia and DID to know its not either of those things. I just want to know if anyone else experiences things like this, and if this is a tulpa or if this is just me?

[NoneFromHell]

(Dude, you could atleast make some sections here)

 

But to go back to topic , i honestly think you should seek some professionial help, and i don't mean it in a offensive way. First things first: Could've been some kind of tulpa or tulpaesque being talking to you surrounded by all the other mess? Yes, but i feel like it's probably not. Most people here won't be able to getting a better picture about it, since most people haven't get rid from a tulpa for getting back silence.

 

I think it is natural to feel weird with a sudden stop of other voices in your head, and missing them in some way is also surely common. I don't think anyone experienced physical pain (or bigger headaches) because of it, but that could be some psychosomatic thing, like you're on withdrawal. So sitting it out may be an option here.

[Guest Anonymous]

I am not a trained psychiatrist or psychologist by any means. But from your post it does not sound like a tulpa at all. If you haven't talked to a doctor you might think about doing that just in case it is something like schizophrenia after all. There are treatments that help and it doesn't mean they will throw you in a psych ward. If you are having trouble functioning or being happy because of these impressions, feelings or hallucinations (whatever they are) I would suggest finding professional help.

 

I doubt that anyone here can help you.

[sushi]

I'm going to second what the others have already said. What you're experiencing is not a tulpa, and you should really talk to a professional about it. Where I come from, mental health professionals charge you based on your income, so that even people with very little money can still afford it. See if it's the same where you live.

[peanutbuttersandman]

(Dude, you could atleast make some sections here)

 

But to go back to topic , i honestly think you should seek some professionial help, and i don't mean it in a offensive way. First things first: Could've been some kind of tulpa or tulpaesque being talking to you surrounded by all the other mess? Yes, but i feel like it's probably not. Most people here won't be able to getting a better picture about it, since most people haven't get rid from a tulpa for getting back silence.

 

I think it is natural to feel weird with a sudden stop of other voices in your head, and missing them in some way is also surely common. I don't think anyone experienced physical pain (or bigger headaches) because of it, but that could be some psychosomatic thing, like you're on withdrawal. So sitting it out may be an option here.

 

Sorry about that! I have a therapist, and she helps a lot with most things, but I've never been able to admit any of this to her. I was always hoping that maybe I could finish this off on my own. But that's also why I was asking here, wanted to know if this was what it was and if not move on to identifying it, and if I could actually deal with it on my own. I'm going to try talking to her about it, but it's probably going to take a while because, it's a hard thing to talk about with people that you've already known for such a long time about something like this. Especially when they have no idea. But I hope maybe she'll know at least what it is.

---

I am not a trained psychiatrist or psychologist by any means. But from your post it does not sound like a tulpa at all. If you haven't talked to a doctor you might think about doing that just in case it is something like schizophrenia after all. There are treatments that help and it doesn't mean they will throw you in a psych ward. If you are having trouble functioning or being happy because of these impressions, feelings or hallucinations (whatever they are) I would suggest finding professional help.

 

I doubt that anyone here can help you.

 

Thank you for your reply. I have a therapist, but it's hard to talk to her about anything like this. I've known her for a long, long time but that somehow makes it harder to confess, most likely because she has no idea. That makes it feel like I've been lying this whole time. I just needed to know if this is something I can take care of myself or if I could at least id it. It's subsided a little bit, but it still hinders me quite a bit sometimes so it might be time to confess it to her. It's just going to be difficult. But maybe she can help? I can't find any places describing this so maybe it's just something relatively irrelevant. Anyways, thank you for helping me figure out what this is.

---

I'm going to second what the others have already said. What you're experiencing is not a tulpa, and you should really talk to a professional about it. Where I come from, mental health professionals charge you based on your income, so that even people with very little money can still afford it. See if it's the same where you live.

 

Thank you for the reply. I have a therapist it's just been incredibly difficult to bring anything about this up with her. I wanted to see if it was something I could take care of on my own first. I wanted to make sure I had a problem, if that makes sense. I might wait a while though, just to figure it out a little better before I go to her with it. But thank you for helping me id it.

[Kaga and Company]

I think you should definitely mention this to your therapist. This is some serious stuff, and your therapist is a professional who's here to help you. Most people I meet on forums like these (and not tulpa-related things, I mean, but just any website) often feel hesitant to seek out professional help when they need it, but you have professional help -- now you just need to use it.

 

I second what others have said: this sounds nothing like a tulpa, and you should definitely talk to a professional about it. I understand why you might be shy to say anything, but, I feel it will only be beneficial to get this off your chest. I don't know why your therapist would be angry, especially if you speak truthfully about why you didn't say anything for so long. It's their job to help you, after all. It's practically in their job description to be open and listen to you about things, and help you overcome them.

[peanutbuttersandman]

I think you should definitely mention this to your therapist. This is some serious stuff, and your therapist is a professional who's here to help you. Most people I meet on forums like these (and not tulpa-related things, I mean, but just any website) often feel hesitant to seek out professional help when they need it, but you have professional help -- now you just need to use it.

 

I second what others have said: this sounds nothing like a tulpa, and you should definitely talk to a professional about it. I understand why you might be shy to say anything, but, I feel it will only be beneficial to get this off your chest. I don't know why your therapist would be angry, especially if you speak truthfully about why you didn't say anything for so long. It's their job to help you, after all. It's practically in their job description to be open and listen to you about things, and help you overcome them.

 

I want you to know that I really appreciate you responding and helping me figure this out, but I think I've decided that it just doesn't matter anymore. It's not as bad as it could be, and not even the forum dedicated to schizophrenia and delusions cares. Besides if I know it's what's going on, I should be able to get rid of it. Even if I don't I don't think it matters anymore. But thank you.

[Guest Anonymous]

 

I want you to know that I really appreciate you responding and helping me figure this out, but I think I've decided that it just doesn't matter anymore. It's not as bad as it could be, and not even the forum dedicated to schizophrenia and delusions cares. Besides if I know it's what's going on, I should be able to get rid of it. Even if I don't I don't think it matters anymore. But thank you.

 

This forum is far from dedicated to schizophrenia and much less delusion. If schizophrenia concerns you, though, seek professional help because this could be a LOT of things.

[peanutbuttersandman]

 

This forum is far from dedicated to schizophrenia and much less delusion. If schizophrenia concerns you, though, seek professional help because this could be a LOT of things.

 

I know this one is dedicated to tulpas and not schizophrenia. I was trying to communicate with people on a different forum that was dedicated to delusional disorders, and they deleted my post. I'm not blaming this site, it's been more than helpful, especially in helping identify this thing. The thing just hasn't been as bad as it used to be, and they don't seem to think so either, so it just might not be even worth looking into anymore.

[Guest Anonymous]

 

I know this one is dedicated to tulpas and not schizophrenia. I was trying to communicate with people on a different forum that was dedicated to delusional disorders, and they deleted my post. I'm not blaming this site, it's been more than helpful, especially in helping identify this thing. The thing just hasn't been as bad as it used to be, and they don't seem to think so either, so it just might not be even worth looking into anymore.

 

I then apologize for the misunderstanding. Look, I've read your case over and over, and I believe that nobody is truly apt to tell you what you exactly have. Say, if you feel a lack of comfort in telling your therapist, try to consult someone else regarding your situation, a different therapist. If I had what you had, I would not rest until things made sense in my mind and all was well. Remember that what is yours is yours.