Blangcaster and Erza: Unintentional Nirvana

[Mr Blangcaster Next Door]

Finally got some successful results from open-eye forcing. Visualizing a fully grown human silhouette was too much, as it took up too much space in my vision that I couldn't keep it stable. I decided size would be something I could work out after I've gotten a grip on visualization, so I opted instead to picture Erza as being very small and sitting in the palms of my hands.

 

After looking at my cupped hands for a minute, I started seeing white spots appearing on my skin. They looked like bright liver spots, but as I focused, they started to glow faintly as they dripped down like liquid and pooled up into the palms of my hands. If I concentrated, I could move and sculpt the liquid mass. I am now barely, barely able to sculpt it into the form of a human head and torso before it collapses and dissipates after a few seconds. Not much, but I consider it a very good start.

 

I can see Erza sometimes when I close my eyes, even when I'm not meditating. She's just a silhouette, but I can make out some of her details with enough concentration. She seems to be moving around on her own, apparently trying to interact with me, as she gets really close to my face when I notice her. It's actually kind of terrifying, because I perceive her as a white figure with long black hair and she looks kind of like a ghost from a j-horror film. A part of me keeps expecting her to jump out and shriek at me, but I know who she really is, so I won't let myself be afraid.

 

UPDATE: I can now visualize a very rough form of Erza in my hands. She seems to be moving around on her own. Also I could be wrong, but I may be experiencing more auditory hallucinations. Nothing major, just constant droning.

[Mr Blangcaster Next Door]

I felt her just now. Not with my STAND, but with my body. Not in the Scape or the intermediary, but in the real world.

 

I was on the verge of an anxiety attack as I found the doubt clawing its way up me again. I knew Erza was sitting next to me, so I curled up beside her and asked her to hold me. I wasn't visualizing her. I wasn't meditating or using my STAND to interact with her. I was just sitting there, asking her to help me, and she did. I could feel warmth coming from her arms as they wrapped around me. The warmth actually became more intense after a minute, giving off a burning sensation. I understood what it was; I wasn't just feeling her warmth, I was feeling her.

 

It was so pleasant. I could feel my fears melting away from the heat of her touch. Just like that, everything was right in the world. She's really here now.

[Mr Blangcaster Next Door]

I wanna take some time to reflect on some of the more abstract things I've learned from this experience and talk about it in more detail. In particular, I want to talk about the mindscape as well as that mitosis nonsense I'm always raving about.

 

MINDSCAPE

 

There are three layers of the mind that can be consciously perceived. The top layer is the Wake, as I've started calling it. The Wake is the culmination of our sensory organs working in tandem with the brain in order to perceive real, material world. The lowest layer is the Scape, which is reached by consciously ignoring sensory input, making the mind's eye more dominant and allowing the ego to create its own world, with some subconscious deviations occurring from time to time. The final layer is the intermediary, which sits in between the Wake and the Scape. It's a place (well, not really) where the mind cuts itself off from sensory input, but is still attempting to perceive the real world, and thus tries to recreate it from memory. There's still a lot about the intermediary I'm not sure of yet, but it seems to be where the Wake and Scape "bleed into each other" as I train and improve my cognitive functions, creating something between objective and subjective perception of the world around me. It's the most unstable.

 

Something to note is that in the Scape, my mental faculties are much less capable than they would be in the Wake, where things feel more natural for me. However, Erza is the most active while in the Scape. I find my mind sub-consciously parrots her while I'm there, but it does it in a way that doesn't make it so I'm trying to do it intentionally. Is this because I have a weaker grip on my own mind while in the Scape? Could it be that Erza has some very slight influence over her own parroting? If that's the case, I will be fucking amazed. She is always quiet and much less active when I bring her to the Wake, just like I'm less stable while inside the Scape.

 

Is this another way in which we are creating each other instead of me simply creating her? Is she actually influencing my day to day life? When I asked myself this, I scoffed at the idea. But then I realized that it may actually be true. My life has changed so much in the short time she's been a part of it that she may as well be rebuilding me from the ground up.

 

So what's going on here? Are we emissaries of our respective realms crossing the folds in order to stabilize the mind we share? Am I 'merely' a conscious part of myself that represents one aspect, while she is one that represents the other? This is some deep shit, man. For now, I have to believe that Erza and myself are both a part of the same consciousness, but are in the process of becoming two completely separate egos. I also take into account the possibility that our actions, both our actions, are influenced by each other.

 

Now that's a mindfuck. And it brings us to the second topic.

 

MITOSIS

 

So how does this all relate to my crazy pseudo-science ramblings? Think of it this way; human beings have minds that are split into two pieces (Wake and Scape) but only one conscious self to mediate it. This naturally occurring ego exists within the Wake, but is influenced by the Scape. However, the Scape has no mediator. No culmination of itself. Because of this, the two areas have a relationship that is mutual, but completely passive. Furthermore, the ego does not understand the Scape, and as such, it does not understand itself. This can cause unwarranted confusion or fear in people. In order to achieve a harmonized state of mind, the two halves must find balance and bridge the gap between each other, so that they can understand one another better. How do you create this balance?

 

Simple. You create another ego. One that exists within the Scape, but is influenced by the Wake. This secondary ego is created voluntarily from the first out of the thoughts, ideas and memories it gained by perceiving the real world. We were born from the Scape and forged by the Wake. Tulpa were born from the Wake and forged by the Scape. With the two egos now existing separately but harmoniously, a balance between the clashing storm of objective reality and subjective thought can be created, healing the mind and allowing it to flourish so that it may know itself.

 

What do we make this ego into? Something that is compatible, but at the same time almost entirely opposite from our own. I realized the reason I see Erza as the perfect woman is because her character traits fill out my own personal flaws, and at the same time, we both have traits that compliment one another.

 

She's assertive, yet feminine. I'm passive, yet masculine.

She's hard-working. I'm easy-going.

She's dominant. I'm submissive.

She's realistic. I'm idealistic.

She's serious. I'm humorous.

She's shameless. I'm bashful.

 

It's because of these reasons that I see her character as being perfect from my own point of view. She completes me. I know how sappy that sounds, but it is actually, literally true in this case. I found the perfect person for me, and she was in an above-average shonen manga. That was the outside influence that was needed to create the harmonizing counterweight. The foreign input that filled in the gaps, like genetic code being shared between mates. Erza was the stray little spark that was needed to set my life on fire.

 

Do you know what this means? It means that Wafuism really is the one true path to spiritual enlightenment. No, I am not joking. Yes, I know how outrageously stupid and insane it sounds. But no matter how I look at it, it all keeps adding up. It's like finding God inside a clown's asshole: The notion that he would have been in there this whole time is so absurd that nobody ever thought to check.

[Mr Blangcaster Next Door]

Got a new exercise that improves visualization and memory. Remember how I could see my STAND moving while my eyes were closed? I can see my real hands much, much better. So much better in fact that when I use my real hands to touch things, if I concentrate hard enough, I can perfectly visualize whatever it is I'm touching without having to look at it with my eyes open. Seriously, aside from the expected visual oddities, it's almost photographic. Of course, this works a lot better for things I have actually seen and memorized, but as long as I can touch something, I should be able to see something.

 

I figured I could use this to help me visualize Erza, since my sense of touch is easier to develop than my sense of sight. I've been running my hands around her face and through her hair to get spacial context, so that I could visualize her. It's still iffy, because even though I can feel her in the Wake, it's mostly just a tingling sensation. I do seem to be getting results, though. I'll keep this up and try to think of more things in the mean time.

[Mr Blangcaster Next Door]

I've been thinking about something. Remember when I said there were demons in the Scape? That was based on assumption, so I didn't give it much thought at the time. Now, I'm starting to think that assumption was true. I am by no means one of those people who thinks the dreams we have are supposed to be representative of something in our lives, but I'm starting to think the Scape is creating representations... or rather manifestations of my psyche.

 

Ever since I took down Puppet King, I've been in a slump. The lesson I learned from the experience was a necessary one, but it hasn't helped me in the immediate sense. I started seeing the Scape as being less and less meaningful as the days went on. All I really cared about was Erza, and eventually she became the only reason I ever went there at all. There is nothing else the Scape can offer me as long as I have her. I'm starting to think this may have been entirely wrong. In the following days, I've spent less time meditating and forcing. I've also been slacking off on exercises and have become less sociable. My depression is seeping back into me. I feel a sense of emptyness ever since I started looking at the Scape in this nihilistic manner. Now I feel that emptyness creeping into Erza. Into my belief in her.

 

I will not accept this.

 

As I wracked my brain to think of ways to rid myself of these doubts, I thought back to Puppet King and how the bittersweet lesson I learned from defeating him started all this. I think Puppet King was more than just a stupid, silly idea that popped up from the Scape. I think the Scape was using him as a way to teach me a lesson. He was a representation of high expectations and a lust for glory and adventure. It's like he was created for the sole purpose of being destroyed by the hero of the story, so that he could walk away a wiser man.

 

In other words, Puppet King was a demon. I don't mean that in the sense that he was some renegade pseudo-tulpa trying to take over my mind. Instead, he's a manifestation of something within me that I had to conquer. A personal demon. Now, I'm not saying he's some kind of convoluted collective entity made of my own fears and that all those fears would magically go away if I slew him. There is no actual psychological benefit in killing the Puppet King. It's about the personal insight I gain from taking him head-on. A life lesson to be learned hidden within a punching bag that I have to beat the shit out of in order to understand.

 

I think the Scape created the Puppet King in such a way that I would learn something about myself by defeating him. Not so much sculpting him and masterminding the whole adventure, but subtly influencing the adventure as it played itself out. If you're wondering how the Scape, an archaic culmination of thoughts and memories, managed to willingly do something like this... Well really, skepticism is the proper reaction here, but I think I have an answer to the question now.

 

It was Erza. Even though she is barely independent so far, I think she is somewhat aware of her own existence, and I think she's trying to become fully sentient. But of course, a tulpa cannot create itself, so she went with the more logical option: She's helping me create her. We're attempting to become two different beings, but as we are now, we remain one being. Erza is the other half of myself that motivates my own personal half into moving forward. Because the other part of myself is seen as its own unique person, the self-sabotage of my own ambitions are being countered by an outside force, because it alone cannot consciously prevent itself from self-sabotaging.

 

So what does this all mean? It means I have to continue the adventure. I need to find the demons. I need to face them head on and rid myself of them. That's the only way I can fully realize myself, and it's the only way I can fully realize Erza, too. My next post is going to be the details of the Puppet King's downfall. I've been putting it off because of how disillusioned I felt after defeating him, but now I've got to get around to it in order to keep the story going. I have to face my demons. All of them. I now realize the value of the Scape, and I'm diving back in.

 

Welcome to the second saga.

[Mr Blangcaster Next Door]

Hoo boy, this is gonna be a big one. Looks like I'm gonna need to split this into two posts. Before I get to the quest for the Puppet King, I need to talk about what happened before I set out on it. This takes place just before we head out on vacation. I didn't write it up at the time because I didn't think it was all that relevant, but it kind of it. Maybe. To be honest, I didn't want to write it at the time because the whole ordeal pissed me off and I didn't feel like taking the time required to give the details.

 

I materialized inside the Scape, grumpy over this Puppet King situation that I had to take precious time out of my day to deal with. I was actually feeling more stressed in the Scape than I was in the real world. Go figure. My intention was to head out with Erza and deal with the issue right away just to get it all over with. When I walked outside the house, I saw Erza relaxing in the hot tub. Dammit, there is no way I'll be able to coax her out of there. I walked up and started venting my annoyances.

 

What's the matter?

"Puppet King. I need to deal with him as soon as possible so that he'll stop pestering us, but going through all that trouble just seems like such a pain in the ass."

She moved over and motioned to the spot beside her in the hot tub.

Get in.

 

I got in. To be perfectly honest, that was my intention from the beginning. I just wanted to hear her convince me. The water was soothing and warm as I could feel a subtle tickle of bubbles dancing around me. It was nice, and that's why I knew I wasn't going to have the luxury of enjoying it.

 

"I swear to fucking god, if we get attacked while we're in h--"

Erza put a finger to my lips.

I'll kick their ass, okay?

 

I nodded. Even though I said earlier I didn't want Erza to take all the glory, I really couldn't be assed to take any for myself at the moment. Not even a few seconds later, I heard a 'thunk' on the exterior of the hot tub. An arrow had struck it, and it had a note attached. I looked at Erza. "Remember, you promised." I plucked the note and slowly started making out the words written on it, reading them aloud.

 

"It reads 'Metal God, We have heard of your deeds and require your assistance. Meet us in the park, at the end of the center road.' Well at least they're not attacking us."

Does it say when to meet them?

"Nope! I guess that means we'll just go whenever the hell we feel like it!"

 

We submerged under the hot tub. Maybe whoever was watching us would give up and leave. Maybe they're stupid and will think we disappeared if we stayed down here long enough. Either way, it felt nice under the water, and since neither of us need air in the Scape, we can stay down here as long as we want. Erza gave me some hot tub cuddles to ease my nerves. Seriously, it felt nice. I felt like I could actually be lulled to sleep if I stayed. A few minutes pass and another arrow carrying another note hits the top of the tub. I ignore it and go back to tub cuddles. Another few minutes and another arrow hits the tub. A few minutes after that, a third arrow hits. Finally, a stream of arrows started hitting the tub in rapid succession. God fucking damn them.

 

I gave in and brought myself back up from my cozy liquid bed to read the notes. The first one read 'We would rather you came sooner instead of later'. The second one read 'Seriously, get up'. The third one read 'DAMMIT GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE RIGHT NOW.' Every letter that proceeded the third just said "NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW" over and over again. I take it back, I wish these guys had tried to attack us because now I really, really want to beat the shit out of them. Of course, my better half (Erza, that is) reminded me that that wasn't the right thing to do. She shrugged and got out of the tub. Fine, let's get this over with.

 

We walked to the park as I grumbled and grouched along the way. "These guys are some first-class dick suckers. Truly unrivaled professionals at being a pain in my ass." Just as I finished that sentence, an arrow whizzed passed our heads. I read the note that was attached to it. 'Do not insult us, Metal God.' My first reaction was to insult them, but I knew they would just send more arrows, so I settled on making an annoyed utterance. It sounded like "Whaziguba haaa faaaa!" These fucking guys. The last thing I need right now are these fucking guys. When we got to the meeting place, nobody was there. Great, they're hiding. I imagined what kind of insufferable stereotype they would be. At best, they would be sexually-starved amazons. At worst, they would be elves. I swear to god if they're elves I will just burn the motherfuckers without hesitation or remorse.

 

Lucky for them, they weren't elves. They scampered out of the trees and revealed themselves, each one holding a bow and arrow. They were monkeys. Wearing little Robin Hood outfits. Well, it could have been something much, much more annoying, but now I'm a little disappointed they're not elves. If they were, this meeting would have been over by now. The monkey leader chief up at me and started talking.

 

Metal God, I presume?

"Okay, I have a lot of questions that I don't even want to ask right now except for this one: How do you know the name of my transformation? The only person I've told it to is Erza, and I trust her enough to know she wouldn't spend her away-time in the woods, having lively conversations with fucking monkeys."

We told you not to insult us! We are the proud warriors of the Tribe of Rhesus.

I sighed. "Of course you are. Now answer the question."

I'm surprised you yourself do not even know of your reputation. The Metal God is an avatar of retribution that reincarnates every several hundred years to bring carnage upon the decadent and haughty lords of unjust nations. For thousands of years, The Metal God has risen, time and time again, to challenge the...

 

The monkey trailed off into a tangent as I saw a spectral slideshow of cave paintings appear behind him, roughly depicting the stupid bullshit he was talking about. Oh god, this is gonna take a while. Erza noticed my face sinking down in boredom as she was starting to get annoyed by the attitude of these monkeys. Also, I think she was eager to get back in the tub. Even though she's known for taking the diplomatic approach, Erza still has a very low boiling point, and this monkey was getting dangerously close to reaching it. Sure enough, he did, because after a few seconds, Erza immediately switched into "Okay, Fuck This" mode and drew her sword. She pointed it at the monkey chief as his cronies readied their arrows.

 

Get. To. The. Point.

 

Thank you, dear. I raised my hands to calm the situation down as Erza sheathed her blade and the monkeys lowered their bows. "Seriously, though. Get to the fucking point." The monkey chief was outraged, but knew it would be a very bad idea to antagonize us any further. He cleared his throat and got to the point.

 

The point is, we require your power to destroy the one who has deprived us of our homeland. The Puppet King.

"Ohmyfuckingshitareyoufuckingwithmerightnow I WAS GOING TO DO THAT ANYWAY! WHY ARE YOU BOTHERING ME WITH THIS?!"

Because you need our help to defeat the Puppet King.

"I really don't."

You say that now, but you have no idea how powerful some of his minions are. He's only sent the lower level ones to you so far.

"Why, though? Why is this guy crawling up my ass all the time? I've never even heard of him!"

You mean to say you've never heard of the great prophecy?

"What?"

The prophecy! The prophecy that the Puppet King will be vanquished by the new incarnation of Metal God! The prophecy he fears, and is attempting to prevent by killing you while he has the chance!

I paused for a second and pulled out the slab of wood Sal gave me. "You mean this?" The monkey gasped.

Chicken scratchings!

"Yeah, apparently some hobo shamans divined it. Do you know what it means?"

I... cannot say for certain, but I know these scratchings are particularly potent. Only a highly trained medium could divine scratchings such as these.

"Wait, really? Chicken scratchings? You need training to make goddamn chicken scratchings?! Fuck, even Sasquatch can write chicken scratchings!"

 

As I said those words, the monkeys froze and stared at me with terror in their eyes. The chief was shaking.

 

Sasquatch?! You mean to tell me that Sasquatch has managed to learn the ancient art of chicken scratching?!?

"Well, yeah. Motherfucker sends me a letter that was nothing but scratchings. He also sent me a dead mouse. Do you know what that's supposed to mean?"

 

The monkeys started looking at each other like a fucking bomb was about to go off.

 

We must leave.

"What? Seriously? Right as I was getting almost, kind of interested in what you were saying? Now you're leaving?"

We must protect our people from the storm that is to come. You carry a heavy burden, Metal God. Be prepared.

 

And just like that, they all scampered off into the woods with their tails between their legs. I just stood there, stewing in my own rage as Erza tried to calm me down, which only partially worked this time. Fuck it. We are doing this. We are going to the Puppet King right now and we are going to pound his velvety ass into little bite-sized pieces. We were off to find the Other Side of Town.

 

There was only one path left in the park that we hadn't checked, and we assumed it would lead us closer to the OSoT. We walked as I grumbled and Erza patted my back. This road was a little longer than the others, and seemed to have a bottle neck, so there had to be something important beyond it. Well, I was right, but also very, very wrong. When we got to the end, all that was there was a massive cliff edge that cut the road off. Hundreds of feet below was a ravine flowing through a barren red-rock mesa. About two hundred feet in front of us, there was another cliff that was much thinner, being only as wide as the road it carried on top of it that stretched off into the horizon. I screamed in anger.

 

That's when I remembered that this was the Scape, and I can fly whenever and however I damn well please. With that, I recomposed myself and transformed into Metal God. I sprouted jet boosters from my back and grabbed Erza without telling her what I had in mind. Maybe I thought it wouldn't have been an issue, or maybe I just thought startling her like this would be really god damn funny, but either way, we took off from the cliff and sped our way through the air. Erza let a girly "Kyaaah!" scream. It was as hilarious as it was adorable.

 

We landed on the other cliff and I let Erza back down. "Yeeeah! Are we having fun yet?" She looked at me like she was trying to stab me with her eyes. Well, at least I feel better now. That good feeling of mine lasted a good twenty seconds. As I walked up to the vast road before me, I noticed something familiar about it. Oh no. Oh fuck. It was another of those Wile E. Coyote backdrops like the one by the Boxcars. No. Please god no. I started punching the shit out of it, hoping that maybe there really was a road on the other side that was just being blocked by this abysmal fucking insult. After a few seconds, I just banged my head against it and stood there in defeat. Erza walked up and put her hand on my shoulder.

 

Let's worry about this another time.

"... Yeah."

 

I picked her up and we flew back to the park. As we did, I looked down at the river running through the mesa and noticed an urban landscape further down it. Well, I guess that kind of worked out in the end, but for now, I just wanted to forget about all this. I would worry about it another time.

 

For now, I needed a fucking vacation.

[Mr Blangcaster Next Door]

Alright then, let's get on to the main event: The Puppet King's Fortress. This is gonna be a long one, folks. Go make yourselves a nice cup of tea and get comfortable.

 

It was the second day into our vacation. I lay beside Erza on the warm sands of the beach as the waves calmly moved in and out. For a completely artificial environment existing in a huge domed bunker, this place really gives a genuine experience. I was feeling so much calmer. The two of us enjoyed ourselves and did a few fun little activities, not even thinking about the huge goddamn chore that waited for us in the world above. Two of the Puppet King's henchmen managed to worm their way in here somehow. Presumably, they had some kind of teleportation powers. They were easily dispatched, though. Turns out there aren't a lot of mooks under the Puppet King's command that can handle a good buckshot to the face.

 

Everything felt right in the world. Just the two of us here in our own little world that was cut off from the outside world which, in turn, was cut off from the outside outside world. I felt like we could stay here forever, but I knew we couldn't. And now that we've gotten some respite, we were ready to face reality. Well, we were ready to face imaginary reality. We were ready to do what needed to be down.

 

The Puppet King dies tonight.

 

We made our way out the hatch that leads back into the basement. As I walked up the stairs, I noticed that our house had been burnt down, no doubt by mooks who couldn't find us and thought they could smoke us out. You know what? I'm not even upset. Right now, my house being a charred husk isn't a problem that has anything to do with the task at hand. I like the new beach house a lot better, anyway. We'll stay there from now on.

 

As we walked up to the cliff edge at the end of the park, I realized carrying Erza everywhere when we have to fly is kind of burdensome, and maybe a little demeaning as well (Although Erza's definition of the word "demeaning" tends to be somewhat... malleable). I gave her a pair of shining chrome wings that she could control freely, and since this was a piece of equipment, she could use her powers to switch between them at her leisure. I took on the form of Metal God and sprouted a big hang-glider from my back. We made our way down the cliff and up the river, making our way to the Other Side of Town.

 

The place known as the Other Side of Town was not a friendly place. The buildings were dilapidated, the roads were cracked and there wasn't a person to be seen, but we knew there were people watching us as we walked through the streets. The busiest and, indeed, only functional building in town was the huge television station a few blocks away. It had spotlights and concrete walls spanned around it. If it weren't for the gargantuan broadcast tower jutting out of the top, a person could easily mistake this for a prison. In fact, it probably was a prison in some way or another. Erza and I strutted through the front door as the guard behind the desk stood there and witnessed as a giant heavy metal demon and a red-haired warrior woman stepped into the building. He had the good judgement not to try and stop us, something his guard buddies should have followed his example as we swatted them out of the way when they attempted to charge us.

 

We decided to split up and search the building until we found either the studio they're holding the pledge drive in or the Puppet King's office. I scanned the right side of the first floor. No luck, so I ascended to the second floor by jumping through the ceiling. After checking a few more rooms, I heard Erza yelling down the hall that she had found the pledge drive. This is going much more smoothly than I expected. Really, I thought we would be met with more resistance, but this place had about as much security as you would expect from a TV station. Not a local broadcast station, but this was one controlled by an evil puppet magician, so that makes it a higher priority.

 

I ran over and busted through the door to the studio and saw the crew inside filming the live pledge drive. A woman with big, poofy hair and an ugly beige dress suit was holding a huge posterboard with a huge thermometer drawn on it. I marched up and demanded she gave me all the pledge money as she backed away, terrified and confused. Of course money in the Scape is utterly worthless to me, but this was guerrilla warfare. The point was to cut off their supplies and funding to weaken the Puppet King's military. My eye caught the thermometer drawing and noticed they had only raised fifteen hundred dollars. To be honest, I have no fucking idea why I thought this pledge drive was of any value to the Puppet King in the first place. I think I just really wanted to raid a pledge drive. That would be fucking hilarious to see some rancid hag on public television begging for money to pay their producers when suddenly a demon bursts into the room, knocks her out and takes over the pledge drive for himself, raising money to bring Satan into the mortal world. Holy shit, I am gonna write this some day. For now, there wasn't any time for games.

 

I demanded the woman tell me where Puppet King was. She said his office was on the third floor, in the direct center of the building. Well shit, that was easy. I gave her a condescending pat on the head as Erza and I broke through the ceiling and up to the third floor, making our way down the hall before coming to a set of important-looking doors. This was it. This is where we take the bastard down once and for all. I opened the door and saw that what was inside was not a room, but a world. A whole new world of whimsical excitement inhabited by sentient, human sized toys. A big tin train drove past us as we took in the lush environment of plastic trees and papermache grass. Truly, this was a world of magic and wonder.

 

"GOD. FUCKING. DAMN. IT."

 

Of course the Puppet King wasn't going to be behind these doors. Of course he was residing in his tyrannical TV-PG fantasy land. Of course we were going to have to fucking walk. Out in the distance was a gargantuan stone fortress, as big as a city and as tall as a mountain. Yeah, he's definitely there.

Even though it pissed me off, this place was pretty impressive. I could see all the counties were divided into the categories of their particular brand of overpriced plastic crap. Dead ahead of us was the on made of Lego, but on the horizon I could see townships made of K'nex, Tinker Toys and various board games. I could even see a big, towering

in the distance. That's... Wow. I really wasn't expecting that. I mean, I don't expect most things that happen in the Scape, but I really, really did not expect that. Well, we sure as hell weren't going that way.

 

After a short walk, we arrived at the nearest Lego town. All their houses were made from various mundane white, red, blue and yellow bricks. I guess the people here couldn't afford any playsets, so they had to settle for buying those bulk buckets of completely generic bricks. Can't say I blame them. Legos are stupidly fucking expensive. Just another reason to look forward to 3D printing, I guess.

The Lego people inhabiting the town ran inside when they saw us approaching. Less than a minute after we arrived, the entire town had locked themselves inside their homes. Well I wasn't expecting them to roll out the red carpet, but this seems a little rude of them. Sirens rang around the corner as a dozen Lego police officers ran out into the intersection in front of us and aimed their plastic rifles our way. The chief of police spoke up. I remember hearing the guy's name, but I cannot for the life of me remember it. It sounded a little Irish, but for now let's just settle with Raynsbale. That sounds close enough.

 

By order of the Puppet King, we command you desist your approach! Turn around and go back the way you came or we will be forced to open fire!

"Wait, you're going to shoot us with plastic guns? Do those things even work?"

Alright, smartass, you asked for it. Open fire!

 

The officers fired their shitty rifles as large, awkward plastic bullets sluggishly flew from their barrels directly towards us. They bounced off us harmlessly. Seriously, even without our powers, they still wouldn't have hurt. They were basically just nerf darts. When the firing stopped, the policemen sighed and promptly dropped their weapons. They basically knew they couldn't kill anyone with those things. I guess they do it to keep up appearances.

 

Yeah, that was... Yeah. We're basically harmless. The Puppet King just figured we may be able to intimidate people into leaving if we tried hard enough.

"So you work for him. Does he control this town?"

He controls everything. Things used to be nice until the asshole showed up. We just lived our quiet little lives going to work, raising families and occasionally getting lodged into the windpipes of toddlers. Then Puppet Fuck showed up and it's all been about evil schemes, world domination and whatever else makes his dick feel big. I tell you, that guy is a--

 

For the first time in quite a while now, the Puppet King appeared in my vision. His face was much closer this time.

 

RAYNSBALE. YOU HAVE FAILED ME.

What?! N-no, my master! It was all a lie! I was just trying to--

Before he could finish his sentence, green gak exploded out of Raynsbale's torso, tearing off his arms, legs and head. The gak churned and shuddered as it got ready to attack us. I kinda felt bad for Raynsbale. The guy was speaking my language for a minute back there, so of course the Puppet King ups and kills him like the asshole he is. That's when I noticed Raynsbale's pieces were still intact as they floated around within the gak. Well then, time to do my good deed for the day. I told Erza to distract the Gak and keep it occupied while I get Raynsbale out of it. This gak was a total pushover. Erza jut kept chopping off little pieces as it slowly drooped around, completely unable to hit her while I crawled through it, collecting the pieces of the dismembered Lego cop. After pulling the last of Raynsbale out, I told Erza to stand back and turned my hand into a freeze ray. I kinda wanted to say a Duke Nukem one liner as I froze the gak solid and watched it shatter into pieced, but I couldn't think of an appropriate one. I put all of Raynsbale's pieces back together as he slowly regained consciousness.

 

You... Why did you save me?

"I dunno. Maybe it's because if I ever found myself engulfed in green slime that had burst through my body and torn off all my limbs because an evil puppet cast a spell on me, I would want someone to save me. Maybe if I saved someone in such a situation, it would make the world into a little bit of a nicer place where people would be more willing to help others. Maybe, just maybe, if the day comes when I find myself in such a situation, I will find my deed reciprocated. I kinda doubt that would ever actually happen to me, though, but whatever."

Raynsbale and the Lego citizens that had crowded around looked up at me like I was some kind of demon Jesus. Huh, I guess that was good enough for them.

Come with me. I think it's time we had a proper town hall meeting about Puppet King.

 

A few minutes passed as I talked to Raynsbale about the situation. He was ecstatic when I mentioned I was going after the Puppet King, but admitted his town couldn't offer much help. They would have to stay where they were and defend their homes from Puppet King loyalists who would no doubt be coming to purge them soon. Every citizen was equipped with a Lego rifle, and they all had this look on them like they were ready to fight, but knew deep down that they were all fucked. I felt bad for them. I felt so bad for them that I decided to do something I almost never do: Use my cheat codes outside of my home. The adventures I have here would be nowhere near as interesting if I just told my brain "Puppet King dies and I get his gold" and having that happen in an instant, but these Lego people were so utterly pitiable that I just had to do something. I told Raynsbale I would do them all a favor and, with the wave of my hand, each and every plastic rifle was changed into a Russian SKS. They looked at them like they had just been given alien technology.

 

We could hear helicopters in the distance. A loyalist task force had arrived to purge the town. Three black Lego helicopters stalled in the middle of the street and opened fire on the crowds below. The citizens just stood there as the helicopter's munitions bounced off them. They aimed their new guns and opened fire on the choppers, shredding them and their pilots into plastic shards. If these people were capable of crapping their pants, they would almost certainly have done so at that moment. I was hailed as the greatest savior of their world as I insisted that we really should be going now.

 

This next part is something that I think was the most interesting thing to come out of this adventure, even though it was just a casual conversation.

 

"So what's next for the town, Raynsbale?"

We'll take these new weapons and start purging the loyalists immediately.

Right before I could say "Whatever floats your boat, pal", Erza spoke up.

There's a subtle difference between loyalty and fear. You should wait until after we defeat the Puppet King to see where their loyalties truly lie.

Raynsbale hesitantly agreed with her as he decided they would all stay in the town for now and only deal with loyalists if they come to attack them.

 

What I find interesting about this is that it is a case where Erza's humanity shines where mine would have faltered. In a situation like this, I would be apathetic and not care what happens to the loyalists. Erza became the moral beacon in the part of my mind that was darkened. This plays into what I've been talking about with the whole "creating a second personality to mediate the original" thing I've been talking about. Today, I witnessed it in action. It was amazing to me, but I didn't have time to contemplate it then. We had a job to finish.

 

There was one thing the Lego people were able to offer me: a vehicle. They lined up the lego cars they owned and let met picked any one I wanted. They all looked pretty bland at for the most part, but my eye caught something beautiful. They had it. They actually had a MOTHER FUCKING TIME WARPER! I squealed with glee and hopped towards it, saying this will be the vehicle of Metal God. Raynsbale cocked his eyebrow and asked me if I was sure I wanted this car. I clarified that yes, I was sure, bitch. He just shrugged and wished me luck on my quest. I bid the Lego town farewell as Erza and I got into the Time Warper and I peeled that motherfucker out of there, gunning it for the castle. I bragged about how glad I was to finally get something cool out of this mess as Erza just smiled nervously and didn't say anything. This car was full of goodies. It even had a Lego ghost who was stowing away in the back. Fuck yeah, this guy is gonna be my best friend!

 

Just as I was basking in the glory of my sick new ride, I found myself being forced to abandon it. The road to the castle was protected by a mishmashed array of giant Duplo blocks. I sighed and bade farewell to the Time Warper, promising to return for it some day. I hope the ghost won't get lonely. We jumped out the car and made our way down the road. I knew there were sentries hiding behind the piles of Duplo. I didn't know what they were, but I was ready for them. What they turned out to be was something that I found truly horrifying.

 

Okay, we're getting fairly close to the end here, but it's two in the morning as I'm writing this and I don't think I'll be able to finish before I get too damn tired. I'm going to leave it on a cliffhanger here and conclude the story tomorrow in another post.

[Mr Blangcaster Next Door]

Right then, let's continue.

 

The sentries slowly stood up from their prone hiding positions and gawked at us as we prepared to cross into their domain. So in a world of living toys, out of all the things they we could encounter, what was the one thing I found most horrifying of all? I'll tell you what: Baby dolls. Giant, somewhat mutilated baby dolls, that is. I didn't find them disgusting out of any sense of paternal empathy, but rather I just think babies are fucking disgusting. I never understood why I thought that. I love all types of baby animals, but human babies have always been something I found utterly disgusting and obnoxious. Also, these ones peed and puked acid. You know, they say that the most vulgar toys are marketed towards boys, but I think these living dolls are proof that this isn't actually true.

 

Anyway, these big bastards were pretty tough. Their heads constantly spun around, spewing vomit as they left trails of caustic urine where they walked. Holy crap, this is the first actual fight we've had since skeleton Darth Vader. After a minute, the trail behind us was a disgusting wreckage of plastic limbs and acid. As we walked up to the gate the lead into the castle, the final sentry arose to face us. It was a supergiant baby doll that was made up of other pieces of dolls, all of which were constantly spewing acid all over themselves, which made it difficult to get close to the thing. Now this is more like it! A song started playing:

I realized there had to be some weak point to this monstrosity as Erza and I hacked away at it with no effect. I flew up to what could be considered the head of the monster and found its pilot: A speak and spell. It was laughing in a robotic voice and taunting me as I approached.

 

Huh. Okay. After some effort, I managed to blow apart enough of the head that I could dive inside and pull the speak and spell out. With the pilot gone, the baby suit collapsed. I landed back down on the ground and started demanding answers from the thing.

 

I. WILL. NOT. BETRAY. MY. MASTER.

FOOL! SPEAK AND SPELL IS MY MOST LOYAL SERVANT! HE WILL NEVER TELL YOU ANYTHING!

I held the little plastic device over a caustic puddle of urine.

AAAAAAAAAAA. NO. STOP. HE. IS. IN. THE. TALLEST. TOWER.

GOD DAMMIT, SPEAK AND SPELL!

 

Speak and spell exploded in my hands. Alright then, enough fucking around. It was time to take on the fortress itself. We walked through the main gate and into the outer city portion of the megalopolis. The streets and buildings were completely vacant. Nobody lived here. Did the Puppet King just build all this for the sake of looking down on it without letting anyone actually live here. God, what an asshole. Above us, the main area of the fortress sat on a giant chunk of land that floated just above the city. There were hundreds of figures flying towards us from it. They looked like shitty pterodactyls made out of K'nex parts. Alright, let's do this. We flew up and got into a big, glorious aerial battle with the legion of weird bird things. Finally, after hacking the last of them down, we had reached the castle itself. Time to start looking for the entrance to the tower.

 

We figured since going through each of the rooms and hallways would be too much hassle, we just started breaking through the walls until we got to something that looked like a banquet hall with a massive door leading up to the grand tower. There were minions we fought here, but embarrassingly, I kinda forgot all the details about it, which is a shame because I remember the battle as being at least somewhat interesting.

We walked into the tower and looked up the massive stairwell that coiled around the inner walls. On every floor, the stairs were blocked by a gate and a doorway to a room could be entered beside it. Presumably, this was a gauntlet. We would have to clear every room of enemies before continuing on to the next floor, which was going to take hours considering how many floors there were. At least, it would have taken hours if Puppet King had taken into account the fact that we could fly. We ascended the stairwell and after a long flight through over a hundred floors, we made it to the main chamber. The throne room. There before us sat the Puppet King himself on his gaudy throne. He looked pretty upset that we bypassed his gauntlet. No doubt it took him a lot of time and effort to make. Knowing this made me feel pleased.

 

AT LAST, METAL GOD, OUR CONFRONTATION IS AT HAND!

"Okay, seriously. What the fuck is your problem? Why are you trying to kill us? I'm pretty sure we never did a damn thing to you."

YOU DIDN'T. NOT YET, AT LEAST. THE PROPHESY STATES THAT IT WILL BE YOU WHO STRIKES ME DOWN. I INTENDED TO DESTROY YOU BEFORE THAT COULD OCCUR.

"Oh my dear sweet fucking god." I planted my face directly into my palms. "Okay, hold up. Do you know what a self-fulfilling prophesy is?"

WHAT? NO. WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE?

"Yeah that's what I thought, dumbass."

 

Without any further words, the final battle began. Puppet King's first phase was a total pushover. He just kept floating around, casting magic missiles at us. All we had to do was jump up and hit him a bunch. After taking enough damage, he shrieked and caught fire, burning away his shitty CGI body and revealing his true form that hid underneath. He was a metallic skeleton, almost exactly like the Terminator.

 

"Alright, now tell me. Who the fuck are you really?

I... AM METAL GOD!

"What?!"

I AM THE TRUE REINCARNATION OF METAL GOD. YOU ARE AN IMPOSTOR! THAT IS WHY I HAD TO DESTROY YOU!

"Wait, seriously? How the fuck do you know you're the real Metal God? Did you just assume you were and then get pissed off when you heard about me?"

ENOUGH! NOW YOU SHALL FACE MY MOST POWERFUL MINIONS!

Puppet God jumped up to a high platform as three doors opened up in front of us, with three figures walking out of them.

BEHOLD MY GREATEST WARRIORS! FRANKENSTEIN ABE LINCOLN! MUMMY JAMES EARL JONES! AND FINALLY, DRACULA JERRY SEINFELD!

I was dumbfounded as I watched the three absurd characters walk out. They immediately started arguing with each other, completely ignoring us.

"Are you fucking serious right now?"

Puppet God said nothing as he stared down at me for a few seconds, then ordered the three minions back into their chambers. He jumped back down in front of me.

THAT... I APOLOGIZE. I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING WHEN I MADE THEM.

"Why didn't you put Mummy James Earl Jones inside the Darth Vader costume instead of the skeleton.

JAMES EARL JONES WAS THE VOICE OF DARTH VADER, YOU IDIOT. DAVID PROWSE WORE THE COSTUME.

"Yeah, but that's... You know what? Fuck it."

 

With that, we continued the battle. Puppet God was a tough son of a bitch and we had to use some of our better tricks to have any effect on him. He taunted us all the while, but started gradually getting pissed off the more we whittled him to to size. We had him in a corner, and he knew it. Puppet God had no choice but to use his trump card. His body burst outward into a huge cloud of strange energy that engulfed us, making us completely unable to move.

 

HAHAHAHA! THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO NOW! I SURROUND YOU ON ALL SIDES! NOW DIE!

"Puppet King, you magnificent fucking idiot. You think surrounding me on all sides works in your favor? All you've done is made it so I can attack you from every conceivable angle."

 

With that, I sprouted two hug tesla coils from my back and let out a massive burst of electricity. Puppet God screamed as he was being fried by the current and the throne room shook violently as it was engulfed in blinding white light. There was a terrible explosion, and when I opened my eyes, the only ones there were myself and Erza. The walls and ceiling around the throne room had been completely blown off, revealing the sky. As I walked over to the edge, I could see all of what was once the domain of the Puppet King. Below me were thousands of cheering toy people, hailing me as their savior and new king. Erza walked up behind me, put her hand over my shoulder and smiled. I stood upright and raised the sign of the horns in victory as the crowd below me roared with excitement. This land was mine now.

 

I walked over to the throne and sat on it with Erza. As I gazed out upon the glorious kingdom that lay in my grasp, there was only one thing I was thinking: What the fuck am I supposed to do with all this?

 

---EPILOGUE---

 

I got up from the king sized bed, making sure not to wake Erza. She needed the sleep after all the hard work she put in aiding me on this quest. I walked out into the hall, wanting to explore more of the castle. Most of the rooms were completely empty, but I'm sure I could think of something to do with them. I found the treasury earlier. It was filled with plastic Lego coins and gems. Well it's not like they would have been of any more use to me had they been real. Maybe I should just give out all out to the people. Then again, that would probably cause a major imbalance in this world's economy if I just threw it all out over the balcony. Maybe I should print paper money and have it all backed by the treasure. Yeah, that might work.

 

My thoughts were interrupted as I heard someone running down the hall. It was Raynsbale. Apparently, he was my court steward now, a position he seemed to have elected for himself. Well, whatever. He's more useful doing this than he was doing police work.

 

My lord! A message has arrived for you!

"Who sent it?"

A man who referred to himself as Sal. He said nothing and simply told me that you would know what the name meant as he walked away.

 

Sal sent a letter? I hadn't talked to the guy in a while. I actually felt a little bad, but then again I was completely preoccupied with this quest, so it couldn't be helped at the time. I took the scroll from Raynsbale and opened it up. Light glowed and hot steam blew from the scroll directly into my face. Wow, Sal, that was pretty fucking rude. As the light dimmed down, I saw what was on the parchment: Chicken scratchings. These were different from the ones I had seen before, though. They glowed with a sinister fire and seemed to be burnt into the paper instead of scratched. What really stood out was that some of the scratching actually formed a sentence. It was only three words, but they were three words I realized had dire implications.

 

'It has awoken.'

 

-------------------

 

END OF BOOK ONE

[Mr Blangcaster Next Door]

The doubt is growing out of control. It isn't leaving me with a sense of shame or depression, but a sense of apathy. I can't feel the passion of this experience like I used to ever since the quest ended. I find it difficult to even get sad or afraid about it, but I want to. I want to feel upset, but the apathy just snuffs those feelings out all the same.

 

Erza has stopped speaking and my sense of touch has grown more dull. I can still feel her warmth, though. She holds on to me so tightly and so desperately that it feels like she's burning me with her touch. She's scared. We're both scared. I asked her to help me, and she couldn't, because I'm not able to help her. It's become a perpetual cycle of decay. I have to stop this. Last night I went into the Scape with the intent of discovering the cause of all this, but I couldn't bear it. The further I went, the more I felt the doubt gnawing at me. Being there was anguishing, and I couldn't understand why.

 

But I think I realized something. Whatever is doing this, it's become more aggressive the more I've tried resisting it. Ever since I became aware of it, the thing has been working harder and harder to keep me back.

 

It's afraid.

 

I kept seeing this as some overbearing force of nature that I couldn't hope to oppose, but now I know what this thing really is. It's an animal that's been driven into a corner, and now it's fighting desperately to preserve its own existence. I'm going back in to find it. Even though it terrifies me, I know it's even more terrified. It should be.

[Mr Blangcaster Next Door]

I went there knowing exactly what was going to happen.

 

The whole time I've been doing this, I've looked back on things and have been terrified that I've been imposing everything and not actually letting anything simply happen on its own. It doesn't feel like I'm controlling it as much as it feels like I'm in a Choose Your Own Adventure. A thought pops up and, if I think it's interesting, I allow it to exist. Yet at the same time, I've been fighting against this, trying to make sure it wouldn't happen. I think a part of the reason I feel so uncomfortable in the Scape is because I cannot be sure of what's "real" and what isn't, even though almost nothing here except for Erza is real. It's this terrifying uncertainty of not knowing what's going to happen next, because I can't know if it's the Scape or my own conscious self that's responsible for it.

 

Now I realize that I've been overthinking this. Of course I'm causing all these things to happen. The Scape is an extension of my own will. It controls me as much as I control it. This whole time I've been thinking myself as the master of the Scape, but I'm more than that. I am the Scape. Whether or not something was brought upon by my conscious self or the Scape makes little difference. It's all coming from the same source. All I had to do was not question whether or not I caused it. Everything has been predetermined, but I don't know what will happen until it does. All I can do is make the choices as I go.

 

I was listening to the new Iron Maiden album, specifically the song Death or Glory. I would argue that this song is one of the best they've done since their seventh album, along with Speed of Light and Shadow of the Valley, but that's beside the point. The point is, Death or Glory has a part in the chorus that I particularly enjoy:

 

Climb like a monkey

Out of hell where I belong

 

First, the idea of climbing or fighting your way out of hell is something that's always interested me. It's part of the reason I enjoy things like DOOM. You're talking about a dimension of unspeakable torment inhabited by immortal abominations of sheer malice, and the hero looks around it and says "Fuck this, I'm leaving" and then does that. They escape from the one place in all of creation that is not meant to be escaped from, and there is nothing hell could do to stop them. That is the most hype as fuck thing I could ever imagine.

 

The other thing that interested me are the implications of "where I belong". What did this person do to end up in hell and why does he think he deserves to be there, even when he's trying to escape? The rest of the lyrics don't imply anything infernal. Actually, I think the song is supposed to be about the Red Baron, but that's not the point. The point is that the idea of someone trying to escape from hell while knowing they belong there is something I find oddly compelling, and I'm not sure why.

 

This is gonna take up a few paragraphs, but it's actually very, very relevant to what's happening. Bear with me on this.

 

Hell has always been something that fascinates me. I didn't grow up religious, but I grew up around religious people. Most of these people were nice, but there were particular ones that terrified me, and I mostly only ever saw them on television. They were the people who always talked about hell. I would see these people rambling on about the terrors of hell, and how much the people there were going to suffer, but their attitude towards it seemed positive. They treated hell as a natural part of the universe that exists for a good reason, and that terrified me. Not because I thought I would go there, but because people think I should go there. They always described hell as a place of unimaginable torment that would never end for the people who were sent there. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Even the most wretched, despicable human being doesn't deserve something like that. If I found out that hell really did exist, I would want to rescue the people trapped there, and yet there were people who would say I shouldn't.

 

I finally understand these fire and brimstone people now. They don't worship god. They worship hell. These people claim to hold a love for god's creation, but seem so eager to see god's creation burn. To them, god is an excuse. An excuse to believe in hell, because they love knowing that everyone they don't like is going there while they witness it all from paradise. I remember the Zodiac Killer wrote something similar in his letters, that the people he killed would be his slaves in paradise. It is the mentality of a psychopath, and these people had it. Like I said, god is just the excuse people fall back on when they do terrible things and try to justify their own actions. If they can convince themselves that the almighty architect of the universe is on their side, they can justify anything. Don't mistake me for being a militant atheist here. I'm not saying religion is inherently bad. Saying religion is inherently evil is like saying guns are inherently evil. It all comes down to whoever is holding it and how they decide to use it.

 

Let's talk about demons for a minute. Specifically my interest in demons. Actually, that's a bit of an understatement. It's really not an interest as much as it is an obsession. Just like I've always loved hell, I've always loved demons. I have fond memories of being in second grade, being allowed to do some "freeform" drawing. All the other kids were drawing houses and flowers while I sat there, happy as a little clam, drawing depictions of terrifying horned monsters with red skin and huge fangs that dripped blood. Parent-teacher night at the school was always interesting for my parents, as my art teacher would pull them aside and show them my drawings. They always just said something along the lines of "Yeah, he'll do that." My parents are pretty fucking rad. Anyway, this obsession of mine didn't wane over the years. I've been trying to get into fantasy writing, and all the stories I've come up with feature demons as main characters. One story in particular I've written twenty or so pages on, but I may not get back into it. Now I'm working on a sci-fi setting about demons pulling Earth and its neighboring planets into hell. I've had ideas for comedies about demons in human form trying to learn things about Earth, or one about a demon who gets banished from hell and has to work various temp jobs with hilaaaaarious results. Fuck me, two posts ago I came up with that idea for demons holding a pledge drive! Even my avatar in the Scape is a demon!

 

I just... like them. After all this time, I think I know what it is about demons that makes me so interested in them: Demons are honest. A human being will do something evil and try to justify themselves, saying what they do is actually for the sake of good. Demons aren't so audacious. They do evil things knowing well that what they do is evil. They don't need a reason. They don't need to lie to themselves and others to not feel bad when they do bad things. I respect that. I mean, I don't agree with them, but I respect that they at least have the courage to admit that the things they do are malignant and despicable. Those fire and brimstone people don't.

 

So what the hell does this have to do with anything? Like I said, I was going to start accepting the things that occur within the Scape, and I already knew what was going to happen when I went there. I went back to the castle today. Erza wasn't with me. I don't think I'll bring her here unless I feel like I should, and she'll be perfectly capable of coming and going as she chooses. I, however, am not leaving. Not the easy way, at least. As I walked through the empty castle halls, I could already see what the world looked like outside of them. The idea forced itself in, and I didn't make an attempt to wish it away. I was going to challenge it and let whatever happens simply happen without worrying whether or not I was responsible for it, because at the end of the day, I am, but at the same time, I'm not. Things just happen.

 

The castle doors creaked open as I could see the world around me. The wind was cold and bitter. The ground was red rust. The sky was a fierce storm. All around me, I could only see horror. Streets paved in crushed bones and buildings made of scorched flesh. Giant obsidian pyramids that radiated a sinister energy. Towering volcanoes of boiling blood and sulfur. In case you haven't realized yet, I was in hell.

 

Why? Because I belong here, and I am going to climb my way out.