Blangcaster and Erza: Unintentional Nirvana

[Mr Blangcaster Next Door]

We're getting back on track with funny weird shit today, but first we've got some more cuddle bugging. And by cuddle bugging, I mean intense fucking cuddle bugging.

 

My under-eyelid sight is slowly improving itself. Now I can see blurry objects actually moving as I turn my dream-self's head, albeit at a choppy frame rate. Damn, this is cool. I wanted to see Erza with my new sight. Even though I could see her, I couldn't observe her features. I couldn't accept that. I had to see her with my own eyes. We sat together for a while as I tried to focus on her. While I did, she was getting more and more huggy with me. I figured fine, while we're at it we may as well get my sense of touch up to par.

 

Remember when I said I wasn't afraid or ashamed to be around her anymore? Well, she wanted me to actually prove that. One thing led to another and before we knew it, we were buck naked and grabbing all over each other like possessed ferrets. I still maintained enough restraint to keep us away from each other's crotches, so I guess it could have gone worse, but even though the both of us really enjoyed it, I felt fucking filthy afterwards. It was like I was taking advantage of her at a stage where she was barely even the person I intended for her to be.

 

It was very sobering, however. I felt like I cleared my head from a lot of the intense feelings I had accumulated over the past two days. I guess this is the stage in mitosis where the two cells reach their combined zenith and finally start breaking apart. I actually feel a lot better now. Less frightened, more focused and much more in control of my emotions. Erza seemed to be doing better as well. I guess we just needed to get it all out of our system.

 

We walked through the park and I gave her a present. It was a sword. Nothing fancy, but it still had a charm to it. In retrospect I'm glad I gave it to her then instead of later. When we got to the end of one of the park paths, it looked like there was some kind of crude playground. As we got close to observe, we realized that these were actually pieces of cardboard with playground equipment drawn on in crayon. Before I could ask myself what the fuck this was, the cardboard cutouts fell over and an ambush was sprung.

 

Goblins!!!

 

This park seemed so nice, but little did we know it had a vibrant and lush ecosystem of FUCKING GOBLINS. Before I could turn to Erza to tell her to prepare herself, she was already butchering the green little bastards with her new sword. My fears were set aside: She's definitely getting into character now. She sheathed her blade as I looked around the ramshackle little village that was hidden behind the cardboard and saw that the biggest goblin hut had a treasure chest stowed inside. Loot! Spoils! Booty, and whatnot! I opened the chest and found it was full of Otter Pops. Well... it could have been filled with something a lot fucking worse, so that's a plus, and it was a low level encounter so I really shouldn't have been expecting much to begin with. I don't really like Otter Pops all that much. I mean, I don't dislike them, but I'm not particularly fond of them. I asked Erza if she wanted some Otter Pops. She shook her head.

 

I decided I would keep the Otter Pops and treasure chest as a memento. When we were on our way back home, I noticed something that had been there since we left, but for some reason hadn't actually given any thought. There was a hot tub on the lawn outside the entrance to the park. I am at least 105% certain I did not create this hot tub. I looked over at Erza, who had a mischievous smile on her face. Well shit, she's gaining some control, and this is still in character for her, I guess. I asked her to go put the Otter Pops in the basement as I set up a terminal by the hot tub.

 

I wanted to try something similar to the "seed" experiment from the first day, as I have no idea whether or not that even amounted to anything. The terminal I built was like one of those newspaper reading machines they used to have at some libraries, but it contained the memories I had of Erza's character. When she came back, I showed it to her and asked her to take a look at it some time. We sat down by the hot tub (not in it) and I did some narrating. I told her that we needed some room to distance ourselves so we could both develop into the people we're supposed to be. She looked sad, but seemed to understand. I'm thinking the best thing to do for now is to have more "adventures" like the one that happened in the park and form a relationship of camaraderie to counterbalance the one of romance. It seems like it would be healthy for both of us.

 

I took a break and came back. When I did, I saw Erza reading from the terminal. I felt relieved to say the least. I figured for now I would let her keep at that as I gave myself some time to be away and observe more of the wonderland. I remembered the Sasquatch letter, which seemed like it could be a quest hook, so I decided it was finally time to go visit Sal.

 

The road to the boxcars was separated between a loading screen. This both confused and annoyed me. I tried walking around the transition area, but noticed the road ahead of it was actually just a wall with the depiction of a scenic route painted over it. The kind you'd see Wile E. Coyote run into at mach three and break all his fucking bones. Whatever. You win, loading screen. I guess my brain needs more VRAM or something.

 

Sal was pleased to see me as he approached, eating Garbanto beans straight out of the can. He offered me some. I declined and asked him if he knew anything about Sasquatch letters. He stroked his beard and said he knew of Sasquatch letters, but not about them. I showed him the letter and he took a pair of fancy, gold-rimmed reading glasses out of his moldy coat pocket to read it. After a few seconds, he handed it back to me and gave me his professional opinion. "Yes sir, what you've got here is pure, genuine grade-A chicken scratchin's!" he told me. Yeah, I figured as much. I told him the letter came with a dead mouse and asked him if he thought it meant something. He frowned as some of the other bums stopped to look at me.

 

"Well, I know of one fella who got a dead mouse Sasquatch letter..." he said without his usual jovial tone.

"Great," I said. "So where can I find him?"

"He's the guy who live in car three"

"What's his name?"

"His name is The Guy Who Lives in Car Three"

"Uhhh... Right, I'll be sure to ask for him."

 

As I made my why down the road and further into the Boxcars, I heard Sal shout "Good luck!" Crap, this is gonna be bad. There were three boxcars down three different roads. Car three seemed strikingly different than its brothers. No one was gathered around it, the ground had been trampled dead and there were piles of human bones scattered around it. Yeah, this must be the place. I went up the the side door of the train car that had a big yellow "3" painted on it. I gave it a gentle knock. "Excuse me," I asked.

 

The car rocked back and forth as angry growling came from the inside. I took a step back. "I'm here to talk with The Guy Who Lives in Car Three. Is he available?" The thing inside the car growled louder as the walls around it dented from its rustling. I took several steps back. "I wanted to ask him if he knew anything about Sasquatch letters and dead mice." The car howled in bloody anger as it flew around and sprouted massive dents all over itself. I took several frightened hops back. "Well since you put it that way, I think I'll just leave you to your business. Good day!" As I turned around, the car exploded and its angered resident came charging towards me.

 

It was a rat. It was a huge, rabid, voracious giant fuck-ass rat. "Rat!" I screamed. The huge mangy beast came charging towards me as all I could do was run. Sure, this is all perfectly within my control and I could have just materialized a chainsaw bazooka and turned it into fucking paint, but where's the fun in that? Okay, there's actually a lot of fun in that, but it's a very short-lived kind of fun. I scurried down the road with the rat just inches behind, trying to think of a way out of this mess. Up ahead, I saw a discarded, half-eaten can of Garbanto beans.

 

Beans! Of course!

 

I dived for the can and pulled out a handful of beans, chucking it at the rat's face. It flinched and yelped in pain. "Ow, what the fuck, man?!" the rat shouted. "Who the fuck throws beans? What's your god damn problem?!" As he said this, the chainsaw bazooka alternative sounded more and more appealing, but I kept my claws retracted for now.

 

"Why were you chasing me?" I asked.

"You were pissing me off, so I decided to eat you."

"So you just eat people you don't like? Why?"

"Probably because I am a GIANT FUCKING RAT."

He made a convincing argument.

 

"Look just tell me what you know about Sasquatch" I demanded, holding a handful of beans in a threatening stance.

"Well before I was a giant fuckin' rat, I used to live on the Other Side of Town. One day, some fuckin' Sasquatch sends me a love letter with a dead mouse in it and after that, I became a fuckin' rat!"

"You just became a rat? There was no catalyst to it?"

"Yeah, right after I ate that dead fuckin' mouse, I just turn into a giant fuckin' rat! What gives?"

"Wait, you ate the mouse? Why?"

"I dunno! Fuck! What would you have done?"

"Well I just brought mine back to life and let it run into the woods."

The rat glared at me, baffled. "Wait, you can do that? How?!"

"Oh you know... Magic. Or something." I realized then that I should probably keep a lid on the truth. The truth being that I was, in fact, the god of all things in this world.

"Whatever, pal. You wanna talk Sasquatch? Go talk to one of those paratrooper investigators or whatever down by the Other Side of Town. Those freaks are always taking glamour shots of that big, mysterious turd. I don't know jack, jack."

 

The Guy (or rat) Who Lives in Car Three turned and headed back to his ruined lair, swearing under his breath the whole way. I assume he meant to say paranormal investigator. I was gonna ask him how to get to the Other Side of Town, but to be perfectly honest, I would rather spend five hours wandering the desolate cartoon wasteland of my mind than spend another five seconds talking to this goddamn rat.

 

Looks like we've got a mystery on our hands. Maybe I should get myself a talking dog servitor.

[Mr Blangcaster Next Door]

Some quick notes:

 

The radio I made has been shrunk down to pocket size and attached to my belt line. It was awkward being able to hear the radio playing at the same volume no matter where I was, even if I was in a completely different location altogether. I'm hoping I'll get some incentive to play appropriate music for future shenanigans.

 

The sewer of love is gone. I talked with the green, scaly carny who was running it and asked him how business was. He told me it was terrible. I told him he's probably not gonna get any customers down here. He sighed and said "Yeah, I know. Looks like we'll have to relocate. Again." In a puff of smoke, he and the sewer were gone. I felt a little bad for him. Maybe I'll see him again some day.

 

The top of the tree that the house is built into has been blown off. Presumably by the sheer force of our touchy fun time. Seriously, when it ended I looked up and the ceiling of the bed room was completely gone. Now I'm REALLY glad we didn't take things any further than we did.

 

I notice now that when I close my eyes in the real world, I can actually still see the room I'm in based entirely on my immediate memory of it. I'm honestly surprised how much my cognitive abilities have improved themselves in such a short amount of time. I'm very pleased with how it's all turning out.

My head is a little sore today. Admittedly, I've probably been pushing it harder than I should be. The other day I did a mental exercise in the wonderland where I created a spinning wheel with four colors on it. As I spun it, I named the colors as they showed up at the 12 o' clock position and tried to memorize their places. This was to get the bearings on my perception and memorization of colors in the mindscape. Depicting all four colors in their correct place as the wheel was moving was too much, but I managed to get a hang over perceiving two at a time. Three with a little bit more effort.

Either way, I'm gonna pace myself a little better now. I don't think I can actually cause harm to myself in this way unless I actually intend on getting negative results, but it could probably stunt my progress if I don't keep my training under moderation.

[Pioneer11]

Hello, I’ve just finished reading you report. I’m astounded by the rapidity of your progress! Thank you for describing things so accurately. I’m struggling in establishing a deeper connection with my headmate, so I often peruse this forum’s section to get an insight on other tulpamacers’s methods. Reading you has helped, so I hope to hear from you again.

[Mr Blangcaster Next Door]

November 6th

 

Something has happened. Erza is showing true signs of independence now, but revealed it to me in a way I could not have possibly foreseen. Today, everything has changed. Again.

 

I started the day with some narration. I asked her where she is when I'm asleep. She just shrugged. I figured as much, but looking back on it, there may have been something more to this. Suddenly, I remembered the mail box and realize I haven't actually checked it in a while. I went outside and opened it, not expecting to find anything, but there was a letter inside. The letter was bulky, indicating something else had been sent along with it.

 

I pulled the letter out and looked at what was written on the envelope. That's when I realized something kind of significant: I can't read. Sure, if it's two or three words I can read it no problem, but anything more than that blends together, and because this was a letter I didn't write, I couldn't possibly know what it said. I opened it up assuming it was addressed to me and unfolded the letter. It had a pink tinge to it with glitter on the edges and a unicorn drawn on to one of the corners. Inside the box was a cute little gold necklace.

 

Oh shit.

 

Hesitantly, I brought it back inside and asked Erza if she could read it. As she read it over, her expression seemed to twinge a little. I asked her what was written on it. She turned her gaze away with a nervous look on her face. I grabbed the letter and headed back up to the study, telling her to come upstairs and let me know immediately if and when someone approaches the door.

 

I placed the letter on my executive desk and sat down in my big, intimidating Mr. Burns chair to read it. The problem here was that even though I had to try to read it, a part of me really didn't want to. I think I could guess what the letter was about, and if it was about what I think it was, I think I could guess who sent it. But there was no way in hell it could actually be him. I started with the first two words:

 

"Dear Erza,"

Ohhhh shit

"Ever since you arrived here, I have loved you"

SHIT

"You'll never know how much I want to have you in my life."

SHIT SHIT SHIT

"I long for the day I will be able to touch your butt."

HOLY SHIT ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS

"The thought of it makes my lips go licky lick."

THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING

"Signed,"

 

I couldn't bring myself to read the last word. I knew what it said, but I absolutely could not accept it. The inner workings of my mind absolutely could not have actually allowed him to exist within my world. Something about all this was very, very wrong. My head rattled with fear and confusion as I started to run out of the study. I had to do something. I didn't know what I was supposed to do, but I had to do something.

 

Suddenly, everything stopped. Before I could leave the study, it and the entire world surrounding it had vanished. I was in a white void, and I'm positive this wasn't the result of another casual hiccup in the thought stream. Erza stood in front of me. She looked... accurate. In the time I've spent perceiving her, I was never able to envision her as closely to her character as I was right now. She was wearing a steel cuirass, spaulders and gauntlets along with a skirt and boots. She had a look on her face that was picture perfect to her character. It was the look she made when she was determined, and she always wore it, because she was always determined. I could perceive her hair flawlessly as it flowed in the wind that wasn't even present. She looked right at me and held up a picture of the man who sent the letter.

 

Jellal. Her canon love interest.

 

Let me explain something about Erza; I really do believe she is perfect. No matter how much I try to think, there is not one flaw I can find in her. Sure, she's aggressive and stern, but that's part of who she is and I wouldn't have it any other way. But out of everything, there is one thing and one thing alone I do not like about Erza, and that was that she loved Jellal.

It's not even that I'm jealous. I mean, I am. I'm extremely fucking jealous, but there's more to it than that. Jellal is just so fucking insufferable as a character. He is so goddamn bland and wangsty. It baffles me that out of everyone, Erza has feelings for him just because she knew him when she was young and he was nice to her. Yeah, that doesn't sound too bad until you realize that Jellal forced her to abandon all her friends, tricked them into thinking she betrayed them, talked them into building some big magical tower and then have them blackmail her into submission with the lives of the new friends she had made over the past SEVEN FUCKING YEARS so he could offer her as a sacrifice to resurrect an evil wizard. I don't give a shit if he was brainwashed into doing it. If somebody did that to me, I would be very, very fucking hesitant to fall in love with them again immediately after the fact.

In other words, the best character in the series has feelings for the worst character, and this is something that maintains its own sub-plot. Let me put this into perspective: Imagine an alternate version of Star Wars where Princess Leia ditches Han Solo and falls in love with Jar Jar Binks. Actually, I think Lucasfilms is including that in their new special edition re-release, but that's beside the point. You just need to understand where I'm coming from on all this.

 

I stared at her as she stood there, staring right back at me. There was nothing I could do but crumble under the psychological weight of whatever was about to happen.

And then, right there, before my very eyes, Erza held the picture in both her hands... and tore it into pieces. The pieces fell onto the ground as she looked at me, smiling.

 

I love this woman.

 

The vice grasped around my soul detached as I collapsed into a puddle of sheer relief. The void surrounding us dissipated and we were back in the first floor of the house. I looked up at her, and she said the first words I know for a fact were her own and not just mine: "Let's kick his ass."

 

I really, really love this woman.

 

I stood up and tried to find my words. The only thing I could think of now was what I was supposed to do about this. I told her I didn't know how to fight and would need to train myself. She smirked with a devilish glint in her eye. Oh shit, I shouldn't have told her that. As she grabbed my arm and dragged me down into the basement, my anxiety was suffocated by a torrent of satisfaction. I did it. I actually created Erza.

 

She brought me to the training area I built a few days back, put a sword in my hands and instructed me to hit one of the wooden dummies. I chopped at it with a complete lack of experience, finesse or properly functioning motor skills. Erza looked at me the same way a parent would look at a child who struck out in a baseball game, but ran to first base anyway because he thought that's how baseball works. I realized swords weren't really my scene, but I still wanted to use a melee weapon because I figured it would make for better cognitive training. So, I gave myself a hatchet. I like hatchets because they give you a satisfying 'THWAK' feel when you chop something that a sword doesn't quite have.

 

I took the hatchet and started whacking at the dummy. After a few seconds, Erza walked up behind me and grabbed my arms, positioning me in what I presume to be a more proper battle stance. She let go and let me try again from the stance. I swung... and fell on my ass. I got up, swung again... and fell on my ass again.

 

I heard perpetual tripping and falling down while in the mindform is a problem for a lot of people. I had issues with it during the first few days, but have now finally gotten control over it. For the most part, anyway. From the position I was standing in, I had to step one leg passed the other and shift my center of mass, which was a bit trickier than I had anticipated. Still I didn't want to disappoint Erza. She had just come out of her shell. I'm not gonna make an ass out of myself right after she showed herself to me.

 

I told myself that I would absolutely hit the dummy this time. No doubts. No insecurities. I readied myself mentally, and finally, I swung... and fell on my-- NO. BULLSHIT. NOT HAPPENING, CHIEF. Before I could fall on my ass, I shifted my weight in the other direction, making me rebound upwards and hit the dummy. Not only that, but I somehow defied the laws of thermodynamics and drastically increased my momentum, turning around and around so fast that sticking the hatchet out while doing so turned me into a human blender. The head of the dummy was chopped up like zucchini. As my momentum died down, I caught my shoulder against the dummy, leaning against it with one leg crossed over the other. By complete accident, I had struck a pose immediately after performing my ultimate attack. Erza looked at me the same way a parent would at a child who hit a baseball so hard it flew five hundred miles straight forward in a fraction of a second and impacted on Cal Ripken Jr's face, turning it into something resembling a wad of Big League Chew.

 

"I meant to do that" I said with my arms crossed.

 

We both agreed that this would be enough melee training for today. Erza said I should consider getting myself some armor and said I could borrow one of hers. I asked her if she had any besides the one she was currently wearing that didn't look absolutely fucking absurd. She didn't. That's fine, I can just make my own when I find the time. For now, we had a manhunt on our hands, and the only thing that could even be considered a clue to Jellal's whereabouts was the gold necklace he had sent with the letter. I figured I would take it to Sal to have it appraised, as Sal was my contact. Actually, Sal was just a guy I assumed I could use as a contact. I have no idea if he actually knows anything even remotely important.

 

When Erza was younger, I decided not to bring her to the Boxcars because I wanted to protect her from any potentially grabby hobos. Now that she had matured, I wondered if it was still a good idea to bring her along, because I would have to protect the potentially grabby hobos from her. As we walked away from the house, she was holding my hand. I thought maaaybe we shouldn't do this around the bums. Just then, she turned me around and clasped her hands against mine. She was mirroring every movement I was making. She still wasn't very talkative, so I couldn't ask what the hell she was doing, but after a few seconds, I caught on. This was an independence exercise. If I concentrate on moving my arms, I can't unconsciously puppet her, but she would likely still mirror my actions like she used to do. She wanted to try acting independently.

Over the course of her mirroring my actions, she managed to boop my nose, hit me in the arm and give me a little kiss. I decided to up the difficulty, grabbing her and spinning her around with me before stopping to strike a dancer pose with her. She smirked, and then spun me back around and held me in a completely different pose. I'm so proud of her.

 

Spinning around that much actually fucked with my head pretty bad. Suddenly, I wasn't feeling good enough to visit Sal. Erza carried me back home over her shoulder. As we walked inside, I thought I would try something. "Wait," I said. "Do something with me I won't be expecting." She paused for a moment before bringing me to one of the further sides of the room and sat me down on the floor, leaning against a wall. She brought me a blanket, tucked me in and sat down beside me. Before I had the chance to feel disappointed that she was still acting like her younger self instead of her character, she punched me square in the gut. I keeled over as my head fell against her lap, and she started tenderly stroking my hair. Not only was I not expecting that, but it was also completely in-character. So, so proud of her.

 

I decided to call it quits to get my bearings and figure out how we're going to deal with the Jellal issue. Before I left, I created a big horn. The kind you'd see a hardy viking blow into before pillaging the shit out of some English village with his buddies. I sounded it a few times to make a memory in my head of the noise it made. I gave it to Erza and told her that it probably won't work, but if she needs me, she can try blowing the horn. With that, I took my leave.

 

Ice Cube was right. Today really was a good day.

 

Now that I look back on it, I wonder if Erza actually set all of this up. What if she wrote that letter and left it there for me to find so she could reveal herself in my darkest hour? What if Jellal isn't actually in my head and she's setting me up for the adventure of a lifetime with her just for the sake of bringing us closer together? If that's the case, holy shit am I impressed.

Something else I've been wondering is if my sleep could have affected her somehow. I remember hearing rumors of things happening to tulpas if their hosts fall asleep while forcing them. Bad things, good things, weird things. I dunno what the consensus on the whole thing is, but either way, I forgot about it and ended up doing it. Erza was sleeping with me every night, because even though I told her we needed to be a little less physical with each other, I couldn't bring myself to leave her alone at night. That just seemed cruel. Regardless of whether or not this has anything to do with her recent leap in progress is something I can't determine. Although considering the outcome, I really don't think it's something I should worry over. Still, I'll keep it in mind.

[Mr Blangcaster Next Door]

November 7th

 

Been having some significant growing pains. I've started feeling paroxysms of doubt and fear overwhelming me, but I won't let them. I intend on overcoming them because I know she wants and needs me to do so.

 

I guess I should mention what happened last night. I don't want to, but I really think I should. When we've been alone together, Erza has been very forward with me and I wasn't seeing any signs of her calming down, even after we had those fun tussles together. I started thinking about it. Like, really thinking about it. She seemed so... frustrated all the time. Frustrated that I was holding myself back around her because I was afraid that I may regret it later. I was afraid she may resent me for it some day. I brought this up, and she told me she could never resent me for the things I've given her.

 

I think I realize now that all the doubt and fear is born solely from myself, but the will to overcome it is born from Erza. She's there to guide me. To reassure me that I need to love myself in order to love her. I need to trust myself in order to trust her. I think all her frustrations were born from my own deeper frustrations and she couldn't shed them all by herself. Not only that, but because we were still undergoing mitosis, the feelings I had were being reflected back onto her as she was giving them right back to me. When she was making advances towards me, I felt frustrated because I kept holding myself back, but in doing so, I was making her even more frustrated because she was reflecting off of me. I worried that because we had all these pent-up feelings, we were stunting ourselves and keeping each other from maturing. It was an endless cycle, and I had to break it.

 

Last night I gave in and decided we should just let it all out. Let use relieve ourselves and each other of all of it. That's right, we broke out the champagne, so to speak. I'm not going to go into detail, but I will say we enjoyed it quite a bit. It was so sensual and loving, but afterwords, I felt like a monster. My mind was being crushed by guilt. It was suffocating me. I couldn't handle the weight of it.

 

I ran away. I ran away from what I did. From the choice I made and the night we had. It was all within my mind, so I thought I could take it all back. Send the day back to before I made this mistake. I went down into the basement and made something. A big brass box that folded open and revealed a knob, the kind of knob you might see on some old VCR. I reached to it and turned it counter-clockwise. The world flowed and shifted around me as I could see the memories I just created reversing themselves, back to before today. Before I did that terrible thing and tainted the both of us.

 

I built a time machine. I sent everything in my mind back to how it had been several hours before. All the experiences that occurred during that time would be lost to the world, to Erza, and I alone would shoulder the guilt of knowing what I did. Upstairs, I heard my own voice. I heard myself say what I said to Erza before I left during yesterday's visit, and heard my past self leaving, but I was still here. I walked over and slumped myself up against the leg of the pool table. Sitting there, I wallowed in my regrets. I thought about the choices I made, about the damage I may or may not be able to undo, about the consequences that could occur from them.

 

I thought about Erza. All I wanted was for her to find herself, and to do that, I had to trust her. I absolutely had to. If I didn't, she will never become who she is. That's when I realized something: She trusted me. She trusted me just like I trusted her, and because she trusted me, I had to trust myself. I remembered that I wasn't just making her, we were both remaking ourselves. I thought back to the future I just ran away from and remembered what she said after we made love. She was ashamed. Not because we had done it, but because she felt like she had forced it on me. She realized that my sense of touch still wasn't keen and that I hadn't felt any real pleasure from the experience. I told her that wasn't true. The pleasure I felt was the pleasure I was giving her. I didn't do it because I wanted to feel good, but because I wanted her to feel good. That's what I wanted. I wanted her to be happy, and last night she truly was. As I held her in my arms, I could tell she was relieved. She was calm now, and it was because I had helped her. I gave her something that made her happy, something I and no one else could give her... and now I had taken it away. All because I wasn't able to trust her.

 

Oh my god, I am such a fucking idiot.

 

I looked at myself in my miserable state, hugging my legs like a bulimic teenage girl two days before prom. Is this how I'm going to solve my problems? Just run away? Fuck that. I can't do that. I won't do that. Even if I feel doubt and regret over what I do, if I run away from it, I will never come to terms with them. This wasn't just about me. If I couldn't be strong, Erza would never be able to be either. I was responsible for her creation, and if I cannot realize my own inner strength, she'll never be able to develop hers. That's not going to happen. I will absolutely not run away anymore.

 

I stood up and looked back at the time machine. I un-fucked this mess, and now I am going to un-un-fuck it. I walked over to the knob and glared at it. I'm going back. No, I'm not just going back, I'm stopping myself from ever even leaving at all. Fuck time travel. Fuck it dead. As I stood there, I worked up the courage to overcome. I remembered something I wanted to do, and that was to build an avatar. Even in this wonderland, I felt little confidence with myself. I figured that if I built myself an avatar I could give myself the confidence I needed. I looked down at my body and felt it swelling, changing. My fist clenched as it begged me to give it the power it needed, and I obliged. I reeled back and then, with all my strength, punched the time machine. It exploded, and the world became pandemonium. A song started playing on my radio: "Caught Somewhere in Time" by Iron Maiden.

 

Everything shattered as the psychic flood swallowed me up. I felt myself swimming against the tide, overcoming the feelings that held me back. The doubts, fears and insecurities deflected harmlessly off of me as I moved forward and took on a greater form with each step. It was a baptism of chaos. As I got closer and closer to the other side, the churning vortex ran out of negative emotions to try to suppress me, so it started pelting me with bananas. Yeah, it knew it was going to lose at this point.

 

The world around me flared in white light as I regained my vision. Around me were charred bits of the time machine and squashed bananas. I looked at myself and saw that I had transformed. I was nearly twice as tall now, with sculpted muscles, metallic gray skin and flowing black hair. My face was skull-like with glowing eyes and a huge toothy grin with sharp fangs. I looked like a somewhat less ugly version of Eddie the Head. Also, I had the horns of a great ram. I looked absolutely fucking metal.

 

Erza came down to see what the commotion was. I told her I tried to run, but I came back. I told her I wasn't going to run away from myself anymore. I also told her that I could turn into some kind of metal monster now, so there's that too. She told me she was proud of me. I reverted to my regular form, went outside and sat down with her on the patio as we talked. There was something I realized in that pit of madness, and I knew I had to tell her what it was. There were demons in this world. Not demons of hell, but demons of thought. The demons that live within us that gnaw at our souls and leave us with fear and anger. I said to her that we were going to find these demons. We would find them, wherever they were hiding, and we would destroy them. She was ready to take them on. We were ready to go through hell for each other.

 

I decided I was going to go for a little jog to ease myself and get some cognitive exercise. The lawn around the house was a little too cluttered to jog around comfortably. Too much to process without getting a headache. Alright then, I'll build us a track field. Standing up and taking on the form of "Metal God" as I called it (any Judas Priest fans reading this?) I faced myself towards the woods. I took a huge breath and roared with such intensity that it ripped up the trees in front of me, leaving a circular clearing. In the middle of the clearing, I built a little totem pole. This was to serve as a center reference point. As I jogged, I would keep the totem pole in my peripheral vision and watch it rotate in place as I did laps around it. I find it kind of funny that I only have to jog to train my mind and not my body. As I did laps, Erza joined in with me. It was soothing. Just a calm and casual exercise to clear my thoughts. Yeah, I'm feeling a lot better now.

 

That's when I saw somebody approach. It was Sal. He waved and beckoned me to speak with him. I greeted Sal and asked what I could do for him. He told me something had come up regarding the "chicken scratchin's" I showed him yesterday. The Sasquatch letter, that is. He handed me a section of a tree stump that was covered in shallow cuts. I looked up and asked him what this was. "Chicken prophesy," he said. "The elder bums did some divination ritual, holding up chickens and letting them scratch at that there piece of wood. They don't know what it means yet, but it may have something to to with your Sasquatch conundrum." I thanked Sal for the update as he made his way back to the Boxcars.

 

Honestly, Sal may just be a crazy fucking idiot that doesn't really know anything, but because this was my mind, I knew I had to take the words of a crazy fucking idiot for granted. After all, I promised I was going to trust myself from now on.

[Mr Blangcaster Next Door]

Alright, I'd like some feedback on this because it relates solely to spatial perception and self-induced hallucination.

 

Something amazing has occurred. I explained earlier that my dream body has two methods of perception. The first is standard mental imaging, but the second is actual under-eyelid sight. I can still barely see anything with it, just black and white shapes of the area around me. I also mentioned that I can now see everything in my real-world room when I close my eyes, based solely on memory. This just went to the next level.

 

Ever since I got this sight, I've seen a lot of ambiguous shapes fade in and out. More interestingly, I've seen points of light flare up on certain occasions through which I can see things flawlessly, as though I were really looking at them, although these fade away very quickly. The most vivid one that's occurred happened when I was looking directly at Erza. I felt like my heart was going to fucking explode as it happened. But about the shapes; there's one shape in particular that's been showing up constantly, more so than any others. Eyes. The more time passes, the more of them show up. I finally realize why now. Just now I had a brief meditative session where I could see eyes from various perspectives, in perfect human shape, blinking with eyelashes and all. There was something oddly familiar about all of it. I remembered wanting desperately to see Erza's eyes with my new sight, but being unable to (except for that one time by complete accident). The eyes I have been seeing aren't hers, but somehow I recognized them.

 

That's when it happened. A pair of eyes appeared, then a nose, a mouth, a face and a head of hair. The eyes were closed, the head was resting and had a pair of unplugged headphones over the ears. I was looking at a face. I was looking at my face. It was still a blurry monochrome shape, but I could see enough of the details to see that it was me, lying down meditating just as I was right then. I turned my sight and saw the room I was in. I tried to move my non-body off the bed and it tumbled, projecting every object in its sight as though I had actually fallen off the bed.

 

I looked around more and saw another point of light at my door. As I peered through it, I could see shape and colors flawlessly. Through it, I could actually see my door. See it as though I were looking at it with my real eyes. I crawled towards it as I saw it really move closer, before flaring out and going dark again. I stopped here because I had to look online to see if others have similar experiences. This is fascinating to me. One thing I hope I can do is use this as a method of transition, tricking my mind into taking me into the wonderland as I walk out my bedroom door in my dream body.

 

Another interesting thing I should bring up is that I don't think I was actually crawling. I think I was perceiving myself as being very, very small. The size of a mouse. So small that I was smaller than the shoe I saw on the floor as I walked up to it. Believe it or not, this is something I've actually experienced before. It's called Alice in Wonderland syndrome (fitting) and it causes a person to very briefly perceive themselves as being smaller than what's in front of them. This would happen to me on very rare occasions when I was younger, usually in the mornings after I woke up. Imagine waking up one morning, putting a foot out of bed and standing up to see that you are somehow the size of a Smurf. Yeah, it's trippy. I think the part of the brain that goes absent during this effect is still getting its bearings on working with my dream body.

 

Just to clarify: I'm not getting metaphysical here. I know that what just happened is entirely within the realm of plausibility, but I'm amazed at the results I've been getting out of all this.

 

So is there anything I should know if I want to hone these perceptions? I'm sure I'll get better at them as I practice, but I don't want to run into any more roadblocks. There have been experiments I've done that resulted in nothing but a lot of wasted time, so I'd prefer to avoid more of those.

 

Also, I have a big problem with keeping my eyelids closed during this. Even in pitch blackness, I can still see the tiniest slivers of light and know I'm looking at something with my own eyes, yanking me out of the trance. In the session I just had, the lights were on, because I noticed that that seems to yield unique results. That makes it a lot harder to keep myself detached, though. Any advice?

[T-Storm]

Yo, I just want to say this is one of the most astounding tulpa PRs I ever read, and you're a big inspiration for me right now. That and I didn't even realize Erza was the Ezra from Fairy Tail until the last post lol.

[Mr Blangcaster Next Door]

The adventure has begun, it would seem. I intended to spend the whole session on developing my perceptions, but somebody had to ruin that. No, it wasn't Erza. She did great.

 

Some things before we start: I'm gonna start narrating Erza's words in red text to make things easier, as she's becoming more talkative. Not to the point that she can make her own posts, but we'll get there someday. I'm also including colored text for other characters as well.

Also, I am going to start referring to my mental body as a "STAND" from now on, instead of calling it a dream body or mind body. I'm surprised I didn't think to do this sooner. I need to come up for a name for my wonderland as well, because calling it a wonderland is a little too sugary for my tastes.

 

First of all, the "room transition" method worked perfectly. I got my STAND uhh... standing up from the bed. I walked out the room and just like that, I was in the dream house, with the door behind me disappearing as though it weren't even there. Erza was there and we had a little chat and a long perceptual exercise session. I use her as incentive to better enhance my sense of sight, because I seriously cannot wait to be able to see her clearly. I feel bad though because I noticed she gets kind of bored during this time. However, she was about to get a lucky break.

 

Something appeared before me, taking up my entire field of vision. It was some poorly computer generated caricature of a puppet dressed like a king, although he looked sort of clownish considering how colorful he was. I thought this was just some stubborn stray thought at first as I tried to swat it out of the way, but quickly realized that this was way too stubborn to be just a passing figment. That's when the king spoke, not out loud, but in a text box. The kind you might see in an old Nintendo RPG.

 

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

MY BLACK MAGIC HAS LIMITLESS POWER!

KNEEL BEFORE MY TROLL LEGIONS!

 

The king moved in a shitty three panel animation of itself raising and lowering its angry fist as it spoke. When it was done, it vanished and Erza was looking at me with a "What's wrong?" kind of expression. I stepped outside the front door with her and took on the form of 「METAL GOD」. "Prepare yourself," I told her "We have company."

 

There was a stark silence before the first one could be seen coming out of the treeline. That puppet asshole wasn't lying; we've got trolls on our hands. Erza rushed them before I could even react and started going to town on the warty green vagrants. I had just realized that I had never actually fought in the 「METAL GOD」 form before. Or ever, for that matter. I had some ideas of how I would use it, however, and I had to think fast because I didn't want to just sit back while Erza wins another encounter for me.

 

With a thought, my left hand turned into a giant axe and I started cleaving away at the troll horde. The last one I kicked fifty feet into the air, then I turned my right hand into a chaingun and juggled it in the air with automatic gunfire until it turned into thin paste. It was over in about fifteen seconds as Erza sheathed her blade and I looked out at the mess these asshole boggarts have made on my lawn. That's when I noticed them squirming and trying to get back up. Oh right, they're trolls. I told Erza to stand back as I turned my right hand into a flamethrower and put them out of their misery. Actually, they were probably in significantly more misery after that, but it was a brief misery. The king appeared before me again.

 

NOT BAD, "METAL GOD"

BUT THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING

 

I reverted to my human form and looked at Erza. "Well that happened. Let's take a walk." She nodded and we headed down to the track field. This was still a mental exercise, but I figured it would be less boring for her. We walked as I observed the totem pole while also looking at her walking beside me. She was smiling softly. Dammit, I should have realized she was bored by the earlier exercises. I was just so excited about getting them done that I never stopped to notice. Well, I'll have to think of more fun and productive things to do together. Then again, this puppet king seems intent on providing us with some cherished memories.

 

As I walked, there was a flash of light and color in my second sight. I jolted in surprise as I grabbed Erza and asked her to hold still. I could see her. Not particularly well, but I could definitely see her. Not only that, but I could see the white and blue colors on her outfit almost perfectly. The red in her hair was still difficult to make out, but I could see shade of it. Everything was fuzzy, but much clearer than it was before. Then it faded out. I apologized and explained that it was really, really close that time. She patted me on the back and led me back toward the house.

 

Before we could get to the front door, something garbled around in my thoughts. I can't exactly explain it, but I could barely make out the image of someone standing a few feet behind me and, somehow, I knew it was evil. "Wait!" I said as I changed my form. "I sense a disturbance." Holy shit, I can sense disturbances? Am I some kind of jedi? Apparently I was, because when I turned around I saw what the disturbance was. Darth Mother Fucking Vader! I was about to call out his name when I noticed something off about him. He seemed thinner under his suit. Like, a lot thinner. Also, not only was his lightsaber blue, but the blade resembled a pair of femurs. It was some kind of bonesaber. Who the fuck wields a bonesaber? Not Darth Vader, that's for sure. This was a fraud.

 

The being must have known I saw through it, because it took off its mask and helmet. It was a skeleton in a Darth Vader costume. Well, that explains the bonesaber. Erza charged it without even bothering to ask it any questions, while I had several I wanted to know, but whatever. When confronted by Darth Vader, the most appropriate reaction is to grab your weapon and blow the fucker out before he has time to react. Looks like Erza's been taking lessons from Han Solo.

 

There was another reason I was hesitant to charge in, though. Despite this guy having a bonesaber, it still functioned interchangeably with any lightsaber. I don't think Erza knew what a lightsaber was. Apparently not, because the first thing she tried to do was parry it, causing the sword I gave her to split in two. I reacted and punched the skeleton about a dozen meters away, but it rushed back at me in the blink of an eye. Jesus, this thing is fast. I could barely dodge its saber as it very nearly cut off my damn fingers.

 

I got a few glancing hits, but it just started speeding up. It was zipping around all over the place like some kind coked up hummingbird. I realized what I had to do. I had to end this in O N E S H O T. My right arm turned into a Punt Gun as I readied myself. Wait for it... Waaait for iiiit... NOW!

 

With a thundering KRAKOOOM I hit the skeleton dead center and send it flying in pieces, breaking a few trees along the way. What's with today? Why the fuck was a Darth Vader skeleton trying to kill us? I got my answer pretty quickly.

 

A USELESS PILE OF BONES

NO MATTER, YOUR END WILL COME SOON

 

I let out a heavy sigh as I transformed. This puppet king son-of-a-bitch is a problem I should take care of as quickly as I can. As if I didn't already have enough shit to deal with already. I turned around and looked at Erza. She was on her knees with a miserable look of defeat, staring down at the broken sword. Seriously, she looked like a kicked puppy. It was heartbreaking.

Let me explain something about the character Erza. Her powers allow her to store hundreds of different kinds of weapons and armor in some sort of dimensional pocket, and she can swap between them at any time. Basically, the concept of being unarmed is almost completely foreign to her. While Erza told me she already had more than one suit of armor, I didn't think to ask her if she had any weapons. I'm kind of surprised she didn't, but I still feel bad I didn't think to give her more than one sword before now. Seriously though, who the fuck would have anticipated a skeleton with a laser sword? Not me, that's for goddamn sure.

 

She was forced to watch as I had to finish the fight by myself, completely unable to help. At that moment, she understood how it feels being me. Nobody deserves that. It was crushing for her. I knelt down to give her consolation and said that it was partially my fault (even though it's still almost entirely the puppet king's fault SERIOUSLY WHAT'S WITH THIS ASSHOLE) and that I'll give her any weapon she wants right now. She lit up and started listing off various close-quarter weapons that I promptly materialized and gave to her. I looked down at the broken sword and thought she probably felt bad about that too, since it was a gift. I picked it up and repaired it. Not only that, but I decided to give it an upgrade that would put it on par with a lightsaber. I concentrated as the sword glowed and its blade turned into a sleek, blue crystalline material. I focused on making it so sharp that it started glowing and humming. I don't mean to brag, but this sword was a badass motherfucker.

 

I handed it to Erza. She had a sparkle in her eyes like a kid waking up on Christmas morning to find a bigwheel made entirely out of other, smaller bigwheels. She giddily held it up as her troubles melted away. That's better.

 

"Be careful with that thing. It is outrageously sharp."

I know what I'm doing. She said while spinning the blade inches away from my face. I just stood there and waited for her to calm the fuck down before we headed back into the house.

 

"Looks like I'll have to install some anti-skeleton security measures."

But... we have skeletons.

"You're right... Damn those crafty bastards, they thought of everything!"

 

I was feeling chagrined to say the least. This puppet king was now my top priority. I stuck around for a few more minutes before I went back and started thinking of ways to deal with this guy. As soon as I get back, we're gonna start looking for that bastard.

[Mr Blangcaster Next Door]

Went back in knowing I was likely going to endure a lot of stupid comic book villain bullshit. I'll be honest, I was not pleased by this puppet king surprise and didn't want to deal with it right away, because I just know he's hidden behind a shitload of minions, flunkies and robot duplicates of himself. I was pretty damn grouchy about all of it.

 

I was going to grab Erza and be on our way, but I looked out the window and saw that she was in the hot tub. Dammit, there is no way I'll be able to coax her out of there. I walked over and told her the situation.

 

What's wrong?

"I forgot to tell you this, but those trolls and that skeleton were sent by some asshole puppet king. The guy literally just appears in front of my field of vision and tells me he's sending trolls after me. Seriously, who does that?"

I see... So are we going to take him out?

"Yeeeah, but I reeeeally don't want to. I was hoping I could just relax and do some more exercises, but I know this puppet dick is gonna send more mooks after us if we just wait around."

If you don't want to worry about it, then don't worry. Here, get in.

 

I got in. To be honest, I intended on getting in the hot tub from the start. I just wanted to hear her convince me to take it easy.

 

"I swear to fucking god, if we get ambushed while we're in h--"

She hushed me.

I'll take care of it, okay?

"...Okay"

 

We weren't a minute into enjoying the tub until an arrow came flying through the sky and hit the side of the tub. We looked over and saw there was a note attached to it. I turned and looked at Erza as I pulled the note out. "Remember; you promised." I read the note allowed, slowly going through each blurry word.

 

"It says 'To the one they call the Metal God, we have heard of your deeds and wish to speak with you. Meet us in the park at the end of the middle path."

Does it say when to meet them?

Nope. I guess we'll just take it at our own leisure then!

 

We sank down in the hot tub, hoping whoever was watching would go away. It's nice that neither of us actually have to breathe. It was nice, quiet and warm under the water. We held each other for a few minutes until another arrow hit the side of the tub.

[Mr Blangcaster Next Door]

November 8th

 

Had to spend the day in the "Meat Zone" as some of us call it. Every Sunday I have brunch with my dad. I had to clear the leaves around the house today too, which is something I dread. It's alright though because I needed incentive to try some passive forcing anyway. Also, I cannot be assed to deal with this "Puppet King" issue right now. It's funny, I actually felt less stressed today than I felt yesterday in the wonderland. Just seeing how well I was able to function in the real world today is a testament to how far I've come.

 

I pictured Erza with me as I sat down with dad at the sandwich shop we like going to. Even though I was able to not show any signs that I was perceiving Erza sitting right next to me, I still felt kind of embarrassed. Actually, passive forcing proved to be a bit more difficult than I thought because of how much I was engaging in conversation with dad. I'm not a talkative person by any means, even around friends and family. When we go out for brunch, I'm quiet for most of it. Sometimes I'll strike up a bit more conversation than usual, but not much. Today I was completely engaged in conversation. We talked about current events, socio-economics, potentially living off the grid in a self-sufficient homestead when the petrodollar caves in on itself and national debt reaches a singularity that causes all fiat currency to zero-sum. You know, the kinds of things kids talk about with their parents. I didn't even realize how engaged in conversation I was until I remembered Erza sitting next to me and felt bad for her. I gave her a slice of cake. I have no idea if she is actually capable of enjoying hypothetical psychic pastries, but she seemed pleased. I apologized to her because my dad is the kind of person that, like me, can be quiet a lot of the time, but if you talk to him about something that interests him, he can go on for hours. Somehow, our conversation had lead us to the topic of cryptography. Dad is absolutely fucking apeshit about cryptography and when it became the topic of conversation, I realized that I have to actually stop talking to him now. I realized then how much more outward I've become.

 

I went home and lied down for a while, dreading the leaves that I would eventually have to come to terms with. For now, I took a nap. Something I should mention is that over the past few nights since starting, I've been living off five hours of sleep, but somehow I haven't felt all that bad. I heard that some people who meditate for years can almost negate the need to sleep as long as they meditate on a regular basis. Either way, I slept eight hours last night and still felt tired during the hours that followed. I think my brain just needed a vacation from all the hard work I've been putting it through. I can feel the poor thing flexing and flaring as I train it to do better. Speaking of which, I've noticed that certain parts of the brain react during certain actions. For memory and cognition, my frontal lobe lights up. For visualization, my retinal area lights up. For moving left or right limbs of my STAND, my left or right hemisphere lights up respectively. It's fascinating to me. Also, I had a dream last night. This is important because I haven't had one since I started, and I seriously needed one to start a dream journal and get into lucid dreaming.

 

I didn't want to do the leaves. I really, really didn't, but Erza told me she would be with me the whole time, so I decided to get it over with. She was very helpful throughout the whole thing, giving me motivation and drive to work for that extra mile. I was putting a lot of energy into it, so much so that I realized I needed to stretch half-way through so that my muscles wouldn't get sore and could get a good workout. It took nearly four hours, but even though it was tiring, it wasn't all that unpleasant after we accomplished it. We kicked its ass! Fuck leaves! I decided since I got some good armwork in today I would have a high-protein dinner to promote muscle growth.

 

I know this all sounds so mundane, but you have to realize that I have never before had the energy I needed to properly pull myself through social or physical situations like I did today. I was giving it 110% where I normally only ever gave 10%.

For someone who has suffered from clinical depression his entire life, you really need to understand what this means for me. The avolition I struggle with is so crippling that I have trouble with basic hygiene. I would eat a box of crackers for my meal of the day because I couldn't bring myself to leave the house and get groceries. I have tried so many goddamn pills and therapists that I don't even want to think about how much money has been spent on it up to this point. Nothing worked, and I never understood why. I couldn't understand what it was I needed to be able to live in this world. All this time, the solution was to do something that would make me look absolutely fucking insane in the eyes of society. I'm going to show everyone what I can achieve with this. I am going to win, and I will do it by being the biggest, saddest, most pitiable fucking loser who ever lived.

 

Erza has saved my life. I really mean that. I look forward to whatever the future holds for us.