Drakaina's Journey

[Drakaina]

I'm so proud of Isa!

I was working on some dislikes with her and she "spoke up" and gave me one herself! She dislikes cats. Which is kind of funny since I identify as feline. ^^;

She "said" they're cute, but have nasty personalities. They only care that you feed them. XD

 

I actually don't have anything against cats. We tolerate each other and can cohabbitate. Not live, not dislike. Though I do find them adorable. ^.^

[Drakaina]

My tulpa had her first real deviation from my forced idea of her a couple days ago. I've been working really hard on voice; learning to use my own, and trying to give her here. I used an awesome voice database linked to on tulpa.io and found what I thought was the perfect voice for Isa. An adorable pitch with a slight Scottish accent.

Whether it was my own brain's inability to maintain the accent to the voice, or Isa's own will, I believe I heard her say a few words over the past couple days, and her voice sounded a lot like the dub voice of the character Chi from the anime Chobits.

 

It works on her, and I'm trying not to get swept away by excitement. I've been using parroting, saying a sentence then repeating part of it, and having her finish it. Her thoughts don't feel very separate from mine yet though, so I'm a bit worried what I'm hearing in my mind is wishful thinking.

[Drakaina]

So I really really like the show Bates Motel....

 

Spoilers for season 3 follows!!

I put them under a spoiler tag so if you watch the show and are behind don't click the black lines.

 

 

...and I just got to the part where we get to see Norman's first real dissociative episode. He's making breakfast as his mother...

and Isa says to me (more in tulpish actual than words) "Can I do that?"

 

I was, still a little am, taken aback. First because communication isn't something that's steady between us yet, so these bursts of thought that feel like they come from a mind that's not mine are still a little surprising for me. Second,

that she realized there was someone else running Norman's body

and then made the connection maybe she could do the same.

 

So I had to explain to her that maybe someday switching will be possible for us, but to be honest, it actually really scares me the idea of bring in the backseat while my body's up and running. I can't explain the root or origins of the fear, but just thinking of it makes me start to feel anxiety, and rising panic in my chest. I'm not sure how to exolain this to her though. It felt like she was so excited about the idea, and I can't rationalize this reaction I have. =/

[NoneFromHell]

If the idea scares you, why don't try some simple possession first? I think it would help you to get more comfortable with the idea of switching. Controlling an arm or something can also be interesting.

[Sock]

I share an aversion to possession and switching, as well. I don't have a sudden and strong jolt of fear, but don't have any plans to try to myself.

 

Switching and possession are optional skills. You can get along with or without them, just like imposition. Remember that.

 

Peace.

[Drakaina]

Thanks for the input you two. I think my tulpa is still some way away from an advanced skill like possession. We need to get solid communication, and hopefully more separation between our minds first. :3

---

So I see a therapist regularly to help conquer my agoraphobia and anxiety. She's having me so DBT (dialectic behavioural therapy), and one of the practices in it is called Wise Mind. Here's the venn diagram she showed me. Its easier for me to show than to try and explain in words. ^^;

 

 

So I am almost 100% rational mind, and part of the reason I made Isa is to speak up for my emotional mind. There must be one in my brain somewhere, but I just have the worst time trying.to access it.

 

So I'm in therapy, and my shrink asks me to write a few words that come to mind when ii think rational and emotional mind. The latter was easy, I got an image/concept flash in my head so I wrote a few words relating to it. I look over to the emotional section though and I can practically hear the dial tone in my head. I got noggin'.

Then Isa actually spoke up. I heard her go "me me me me me me me me me!" In my head. So I wrote her name down.

 

I get done and of course my therapist wants to know what I wrote and why. So I had to tell her about Isa this week. For lack of aa better way to explain without being ling winded and complicated, I said she's a tulpa, which is like a "hyper developed imaginary friend" (those were my words). So then my shrink goes "like a coping mechanism". I say "maybe?"

It was near the end of our time and she'd never heard of tulpa before so we didn't discuss it much. She seemed very neutral, and a bit curious on the topic. I'm a little nervous about what to expect going forward though.

 

Isa...she feels my nerves, but I can't really tell what she's feeling yet. Sometimes I can, but with this I'm not getting anything. =/

[Drakaina]

Xira would be turning 10 years old next month. Its amazing how much time has passed, and how different I've become.

I'm thinking I'll do a nice piece of art as a tribute to her for her birthday.

 

In Isa's realm, I'm having a lot of trouble forcing bits of her personality. Particularly a compassionate nature. I'm too clinical and cynical in my feelings towards other people, so I'm struggling with how to teach this trait, as well as trying not to be a bad example. It's really hard trying not to let these rather negative traits I have rub off on my tulpa. A being that lives inside my head, and who could be observing me or my thoughts at any time.

[Drakaina]

The first real negative turn of events since starting my tulpa journey happened recently.

 

Talking with a friend a few days ago, he deduced something was up so I vented my frustrations to him. Part of my rant mentioned the word Tulpa, which he recognised but didn't know the meaning for. So like I do with Therianthropy when people who've never heard of it ask what it is, I over simplified while trying to keep the essence of the meaning true. I told him "it's similar to a headmate in a plural system, but constructed by the individual/host".

 

He's aware of plurality, so I knew he'd understand the meaning, what I was not expecting was his response.

"So they're all crazy people."

...

Ouch. I hadn't told him about the tulpa I'm making now, or that I had one as a kid and just didn't know about them. Now though I don't know if I ever can tell.

 

I can take disbelief though. He and I already disagree on the existence of nonhuman identity, yet he accepts I'm therian and we go on like it's nothing. But this comment seems to have had an affect on my very young tulpa. I noticed a feeling of insecurity, a lack of self confidence that wasn't there before. And her usual optimism seems to have been hurt by the comment as well.

I kept her in our mind world to prevent this very thing, but I never got a handle on restricting her access to my senses and now it's come 'round to bite me in the arse.

 

I'm doing what I can to encourage her but self assurance is something I've never actually had problems with, even as a kid. It's harder to help and console someone when you don't have experience with what they're going through. :<