Drakaina's Journey

[Drakaina]

To start this off, I'd like to share my history with tulpas.

 

When I was maybe around 14 I was a member of a forum where role playing was the pastime. I enjoyed it and got really good at it. At one point I created a character to sort of represent me, and would play her across multiple rps.

 

I spent a lot of time on this character, developing her in every way. I'd think about her while bored in class (which was often). I even remembered her birthday, the day I conceived her, and gave her gifts in the form of a new outfit, hairstyle, or a pet I would think up.

 

Eventually she started to become independent of me, following the path of what I now know as a sentient tulpa. At the time I was already a member of the Therian community and know of the phenomena of plurality. I confused this character as part of me, and thought I had become a median system, wherein the entities that share your body are facets of you. Sentient, but not quite individuals themselves.

 

The downside to this is she was evil. In her conception she was often the villain in the rps, and even when she wasn't she was definitely and anti-hero. With a violent, angry personality.

A few years back something happened that scared me. Something happened that triggered such a rage in me that my brain stopped working. The character fronted in my body, and showed the anger I was feeling. It was like I was sitting backseat watching my body act without my commands.

 

Between losing control like that and having a being of primarily rage and evil in my head, I was really scared, and I eventually had to supress my creation. I dissolved her into myself by putting real effort into ridding myself of rage and hate. I stopped letting myself feel the things she was made up of, and eventually she faded away.

 

I still remember her, like an old friend. I was young and had no words for what she really was until recently when I found this site. I feel bad I couldn't give Xira what she needed, but I'm grateful for what I learned through her.

[Sock]

Definitely seems like you had a rough ride.

 

While I certainly have not been doing this sort of stuff as long as you have, I've run in to some issues of my own in my travels, so I can sympathize a bit with your situation. It seems you still hold fondness for your old partner, even though you thought her to be negative, I guess this sort of bond really is difficult to break after so long. I know I've had time where I would have an aggressive mental figure, and I'd go out of my way to forgive and make up with them. I kind of get that same vibe from how you wrote this intro post.

 

Even so, what brings you back to this phenomenon, after such a negative experience? Are you just happy to have a frame of reference for what happened to you? Are you just curious about how others dealt with their problems? Do you intend to form another companion for yourself?

 

Peace.

[Drakaina]

It's true, I do still have a little fond place in my heart for my youthful creation. Thought knowing what I do now, I think what ended up happening was probably for the best. Towards the end, Xira started to get increasingly hostile towards me and generally frustrated and angrier than usual. Having that much of those emotions in my head wasn't healthy for me, so I had to end my time with her.

 

I actually went looking for information on tulpas because I heard them mentioned in an episode of X-Files I watched recently, and given what I've seen the media do to therianthropy I thought, "I'm pretty sure that's not right" and went looking for real information. ^^;

 

Finding this site, and by extension this forum, was a blessing because it told me that what I thought Xira was, was wrong, and let me understand what actually happened, and why plurality never seemed quite right. I'm not directly curious how others have come through their troubles, their stories are their own, but certainly welcome any advice or words of wisdom those who are more experienced with the tulpa phenomena have to offer.

 

I won't lie, I'm excited about the idea of creating a tulpa for myself now that I know what they actually are, and somewhat understand what's involved. But I'm trying to reign myself in and actually think about it. I would love a mental companion to share things with, and maybe even get advice or opinions from, but I would hate to jump into something I couldn't finish, not where a form of life is concerned anyway.

[Drakaina]

I've been doing a lot of thinking since finding this site, and I think I've made my decision. I'm going to take the plunge and try to create a tulpa. I'm going to try and do it right this time too. I won't misidentified her/him, or raise her/him into something evil. I want my tulpa to know they're loved and grow up to be well adjusted so we can coexist as a team.

 

So starting today my future brain buddy, whatever their name may be, is concieved. :3

[Drakaina]

I have a general form for my tulpa, and I haven't thought up a name yet. I'm not sure if I should come up with a name, let it decide its own, or fashion a symbolic name as a placeholder until they choose one.

 

I'm kind of taking a parental approach to this. On the one hand, my parents chose my name, and some days I hate it. On the other hand, its just a name. I am the one that puts meaning to it.

 

I'm also using Man's traits template from the FAQ. I have 15 traits to start, and one is stumping me. Compassion. I can't quite grasp it. I know what it is but I feel like a robot reading the definition of happy. I know what if is and what it looks like, but not why it is. What causes compassion. How do I even begin to explain why my tulpa would have it. =/

[SparrowNR]

What causes compassion. How do I even begin to explain why my tulpa would have it. =/

 

Felicity:

 

Is this question highlighted for your own benefit, or might I posit a response?

 

Compassion stems from altruism and empathy. Speaking on the level of pure logic, there are a number of theories as to why such a mechanism evolved. The one I find myself ascribing to most often is the fact that, as a social species, we gain a benefit from altruism. As a social species, we thrive best in groups, so our species (along with other social/herd species such as dolphins, prairie dogs, most other primates, etc.) evolved a mechanism to ensure that we functioned well in larger, non-familial groups. Thus, we experience altruism, which bids us take care of the group at the detriment to the individual. (For example, an early human might attack a dangerous predator that is wandering close to home... they risk themself, but protect the rest of the group). That is one of many theories, however.

 

That said, compassion is, itself, not logical. It is sprung from a visceral, emotional empathic reaction, wherein one feels sadness or pain at another's misfortune. The initial empathy is combined with charitable action, as the compassionate person seeks to somehow reach out and aid the one who experienced misfortune. A compassionate person feels happiness knowing that they have helped another person or somehow made a difference in another's life (and it certainly helps that their own empathic pain is relieved by reducing the other person's suffering!). In fact, many compassionate people find genuine fulfillment from helping others, the way a purely logical mind might find fulfillment in finishing a book or coming to some logical conclusion that had previously eluded them.

 

I hope this helps a little, or provides some insight, and please do ask questions if you want me to clarify anything!

[Drakaina]

I highlight things mostly for others benefit, so my points for feedback and input jump out at a reader.

 

Thank you so so much for your insight, Sparrow. I tried taking to google to figure out the root and purpose for compassion, but I got the impression that's not something often searched, by their lack luster results. I figured it tied back to group oriented species, and their wellbeing/survival, but as I'm a therian with a solitary species as my identity, I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the concept.

 

Hearing it from another persons mouth (so to speak) does a lot for my comprehension level. Clinical articles can only get me so far. :P

 

Teaching my tulpa compassion won't be a cake walk, but at least I know what the sensation is and can pass this on. It was rationalizing why such an emotion should or would be there that had me stumped. ^^;

[Drakaina]

I think there's progress. While working in my tulpa's trait sheet, I was stumped on how she felt about a particular trait. So to help myself think I said it out loud. "How would she feel about (this) trait?"

To my shock, I think I got a response. One word, and really more of a strong impression than an actual word. But my mind works in concepts and impressions rather than words, so that's the language my brain knows best anyway.

 

I'm trying not to get too excited and jump to conclusions, but I don't want to quash this either. I think I'll be directing more of these trait feedback/interaction questions at my tulpa instead of trying to think them up on my own. See if I can encourage my interaction from her.

[Drakaina]

Names are something I always have trouble with. When I name a character it can take me upwards to an hour looking up names and meanings to find one I like. I've been coding my time holding off naming my tulpa because I know this about myself, and rather hoped she would do it herself.

Last night while working on her though, I felt a drive to give her a name. Something to call her instead of "my tulpa" or something just physically descriptive like "fluffy butt".

 

I'm forcing an emotional, positive personality in my tulpa, and one thing that's come of it is the form I gave her works like a mood ring. Her for changes colour with how she's feeling, so I started looking at names that have "rainbow" as their meaning. Maybe a couple minutes in I'm going down a list and see Isa. I swear I actually "heard" a voice shout, "Stop, that's it!"

Its one of the fasted naming I've ever done, and I believe it's because my tulpa, Isa, was looking at the list with me and picked the name for herself.

[Drakaina]

It's been almost a week since my last entry and there's been progress.

Since it's all going on in my head, and my sense of time is poor I'm not sure exactly how much progress, but I've been doing short bursts of intense forcing each day, and then trying to narrate/commentate throughout the day.

 

I'm not sure if this is because it's how my mind works, or if it's something we share in common, but I feel like my tulpa has been "communicating" with me more as the days go on. I'll get impressions, images, and emotions that I'm almost positive aren't mine in my brain at various times. Noticeably more so when I'm actively giving my tulpa attention.

 

For example, because I'm a therian I don't perceive my human body when I'm inside my head. It just takes more effort to fit into that mind map of the body than the one I identify as. But because my dragon body is freakin' huge and is a dragon (that can be intimidating sometimes), I chose to present myself in our wonderland as my pony-sona. I've been explaining this to Isa over time, helping her get a basic grasp of identity vs body because she "asked" about my appearance when I showed up.

And because my mind is prone to wandering I may or may not have gotten off on a little geek out about My Little Pony, and given my tulpa the idea that a pony character/form of her own would be cool. >.>

 

I'm trying to slow her down and myself down though and impress that we should work on establishing her full sentience and autonomy first.

 

I'm rather amazed how quickly it feels like things are progressing. I feel like Isa is already almost at the highest point I ever reached with Xira. She feels quite willful and seems to "voice" thoughts from time to time. It's far from persistent, I need to stop my brain for a moment to notice her presence up there, but the seeds of individuality are definitely there.

 

I feel I need to spend more time solidifying her traits and personality, and helping her develop her own likes and dislikes. She already has a hobby which is great, we set her up a garden inside the headspace where she grows flowers and fancy plant things that probably don't exist in the physical world. ^^;

Once I feel she has a bit more autonomy I'll either start focusing on mind voice or parallel processing. I'm a little nervous to start on a mind voice because I don't even have one of those for myself. Unless I'm actively forming words into sentence strings my natural thought language is in images and concepts. :P